Love Me to Death (18 page)

“Brennan? Brennan Cole? No way, it’s really you isn’t it?” I’d know that voice anywhere. I try to pretend that I don’t recognize her at first but I’d know Lorraine anywhere. “Don’t act like you don’t know who I am. I know that you could never forget me.” She smirks. She flips her long braids over her shoulder and stares at me.

I smile.

“Lorraine.” I breathe, taking another sip of my drink. I feel the burn in my throat this time.

“What are you doing sitting alone in a bar? I’m surprised you’re not out sleeping your way through New York.”

“Hello to you too,” I say rolling my eyes. She slides into the chair opposite me. She places her elbows on the table, cups her hands and rests her chin on top of them.

Staring at me she says, “Why do you look like you just got told that your penis is about to be chopped off?”

I laugh. Loud.

“I see you still have such a poetic way with words.”

“Why thank you, I’m glad you can appreciate my talent. You look unhappy; tell Aunt Rain all about it.”

“After having been inside of you, calling you
aunt
sounds very much like incest.” I raise my eyebrows at her.

“Oh Bren, you did like a little role play from what I can remember so whatever works for you, hon.”

“Funny. What are you doing around here? Last time I heard, you’d left New York.”

“You heard right. It’s my sister’s bachelorette party tonight,” she says nodding her head in the direction of a bunch of women dressed in Minnie Mouse costumes.
Weird.

“You’re dressed differently,” I say looking down at her blue dress.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in that,” she says looking over at them again.

“Not even for a little bedroom role play?” I tease.

“It depends on how quickly it gets taken off.” She winks. “You still haven’t told me what’s with the long face? Bad day?”

“You could say that.”

“Sounds like someone needs to unwind?” She says suggestively. “Soon they’ll be too drunk to even notice I have gone if you want to get out of here?”

“You know I don’t sleep with a woman more than once.”

“Come on, Bren, we had a
great
night together.” True. “Live on the wild side. Who’s going to know you’ve broken your rule other than you?” She’s smirking.

“True,” I say moving my face closer to hers. “But I don’t think my
girlfriend
would appreciate it, babe.”

What? Why did you just say that? You do not owe Ned any favors.

“Your what?” Her eyes widen in shock.

“Girlfriend,” I repeat, ignoring the voice in my head.

“
The
Brennan Cole has a girlfriend?”

“It’s not that hard to believe,” I groan, taking another sip of my drink.

“Really because I thought there was a higher chance of you being gay!”

“Why do people keep saying that?”

“Because you are not boyfriend material. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“You’re a free spirit. And in the nicest possible way … you sleep around.”

“Thanks.”

“What? You’ve slept with at least three of my girlfriends.”

“That says more about your choice of friends than it does about me.”

“Can’t argue with you there, buddy. Well, this girl must be pretty damn special to have gotten you to commit.”

“Yup,” I say with a smile on my face.

“Wow.” She looks shocked.

“What?”

“That is the first time you’ve genuinely smiled since I got here, which tells me that she’s the reason you’re sitting in here right now with that miserable look on your face. Fix it, Bren. If she has the power to get you to even utter the word girlfriend then she’s worth fighting for. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and go call her.” She stands to her feet. I just nod.

“But if things don’t work out, call
me
.”

I laugh. “I will.”

“I mean it.”

“Scouts honor.”

“
Call her.”

I laugh but nod my head and then she walks away. Lorraine made a mistake about Ned. She isn’t the girl who has made me commit. There isn’t a girl that can do that.
Ever.
But I did sign a contract with her and while she did make me mad this morning I hate the thought of her losing the chance to do the right thing for her mother. God knows I missed the opportunity with mine while she was still around to see it and I’ll never forgive myself for that. But if I can stop Ned from making the same mistakes I made then I will do everything in my power to do just that. And I kind of miss being around her too.

I pull out my phone and scroll through my message history with Ned before starting a new conversation.

Me: I know that you don’t want to talk to me but I kind of miss you … weird, right?

Ned: Not weird … I miss you too.

Her reply surprises me but it doesn’t prevent the smile on my face.

Me: Where are you?

Ned: At home.

Me: We need to talk.

Ned: I agree.

Me: Good. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Actually, make it twenty.

Ned: Why twenty?

Me: I need to stop off and get some ice cream.

Ned: Who for?

Me: You.

Ned: Why?

Me: Because that’s what I see depressed girls eat in the movies. It always works.

Ned: So let me get this straight, you think that buying me ice cream is going to make me feel better because you saw it in a movie?

Me: Yeah.

Ned: Ben and Jerry’s, Strawberries and Cream. I’ll get the spoons ready.

I laugh to myself, remembering why I like to be around Ned.

Me: Your wish is my command, Miss Waters.

I arrive at Ned’s house twenty minutes later with two tubs of ice cream. Jameson lets me straight up when he sees me.
Take that, Jerkson.
I’m currently walking toward Ned’s front door. It swings open before I even get the chance to knock.

“Wow, someone is overly eager for this ice cream,” I say when she stands there, wiggling two spoons in the air and smiling.

“Come in.” She giggles. Damn, I’ve missed that sound for the past few hours.

I walk straight to her kitchen and rest the bag on her island. She goes to scoot around me and probably demolish the first tub on her own but I wrap my hand around her waist and stop her.

“Oh no, we need to talk first.”

“No, I want to eat ice cream,” she whines like a little kid.

“Babe, no ice cream is passing those beautiful lips of yours until we get to the bottom of what happened this morning.”

She takes a deep breath and looks up into my eyes.

“Do we really have to kill the mood right now, can’t we just eat first?”

“No, we talk, figure this out, make up and then celebrate with food.”

“You ruin all the fun,” she groans, placing the spoons down on the counter. “Well let me put it in the freezer so that it doesn’t melt.” I nod and release her. I watch as she puts the tubs of ice cream away and throws away the bag.

I walk into her living room, fall back onto her couch and wait for her to come. I look around the minimalistic room and wonder what it’s like to be Ned. Does she really play that piano or is it just for decoration?

“I’m here,” she groans as she takes a seat on the other side of the L-shaped couch.

I stand up and walk right over to where she is sitting and take a seat next to her. “You know, our fakelationship isn’t going to work if you keep trying to keep your distance,” I say with a smile. She tries to hold back hers but the corners of her lips twitching give away the fact that she wants to smile too. “What happened?” I say softly.

She takes a deep breath and I can see that this is something she really doesn’t want to discuss.

“I have heart failure.” The words completely take my breath away. I don’t know why. I’ve known from the minute I signed the contract that Ned wasn’t well but hearing those words make it sound too real.

“How?” I whisper.

She laughs humorlessly.

“They have no idea. I’m young, healthy, and fit. I guess it’s just the hand I’ve been dealt.”

“Is there nothing that can be done?” I ask hopefully.

“Damage to the heart is irreversible. A broken heart can’t suddenly heal I’m afraid.”
Don’t I know it.

“There must be options though, things they can do to preserve …” I can’t say the words.

“They can, they suggested that I have a heart transplant.”

“Well that’s great.” I smile.

“I said no.”

“I don’t get it?”

“Having the transplant doesn’t come without its own risks. My body could reject the heart and I could die on the operating table. And even if it does work there are so many restrictions and life changes. I’ll have to take medication for the rest of my life, stop eating certain foods and be careful with certain activities. Not to mention that receiving a new heart doesn’t necessarily mean I will get that much of an extension. Each case is different. It’s like throwing money into a slot machine and waiting to see the combination.”

“Wow,” I say taking in her words.

“That’s why I’ve been ignoring their calls since the day I found out about my condition,” she says quietly.

“Like this morning?” I ask. She nods. “You were mad because I might have found out that you are refusing treatment?”

She nods. “I didn’t want you to judge me, Cole. I don’t want a life like that; a life of maybes and statistical possibilities. I don’t want to depend on medication and adapt my lifestyle. I love my life. I want to die living it the way that
I
want. No restrictions and no rules but my own.” For the first time, I’m seeing a vulnerable side of Ned that I didn’t think existed. And strangely I don’t have the urge to run away or make her stop talking; I want to make things better. But I can’t. “I was diagnosed two months ago. They
strongly
advised against not putting my name on the transplant list but I ignored them. They also said that I have to take a bunch of meds to keep my heart stable if I’m not going to accept the transplant.”

“You said no to that as well.” I guess.

She nods. “I know that most people won’t understand why I’m turning down my treatment. It probably sounds like I’m being ungrateful when there are so many people out there, who are dying, with no option of preserving or extending their life. But I just can’t do it. I have had the best life that I could ask for, Cole. My parents are probably the nicest people you’ll ever meet. I’ve been blessed beyond measure and if I have to die right now then I would die the happiest person in the world. What I don’t want is to give anybody any false hope that there might be a chance and then die on them. I won’t do that to my parents, I can’t. I won’t do it to myself. I can’t stop the fact that I’m dying,” she stops for a moment to steady her shaky voice, “but I can control the way that I live the rest of my life no matter how little is left of it.”

She finally stops speaking and just watches me. I stare at her for a moment before nodding my head. “Ok.” I breathe.

“Ok?” she asks perplexed.

“If that’s what you want then that’s how it goes.”

“You don’t think I’m being selfish?” That’s when the first tear falls down her cheek. I move closer to her and use the pad of my thumb to wipe it away.

“Are you kidding me?” I whisper. “You’re the bravest woman that I’ve ever met. You’re amazing.” I smile at her.

“As brave as your mom?” she asks in a timid voice.

“Maybe even braver than her,” I answer honestly.