Love Rampage (2 page)

Maíra looked down at her hands, wondering how she could explain something as complex as societal gender dynamics to a creature that didn't understand that she didn't need a wedding dress to ask for a date.

"I might be a bit... differently shaped than she's used to," Maíra said, trying to explain.

"You're human. She is also human. I do not see the problem," the unicorn said. "I know a dragon that fell in love with a mermaid. Why should shape have any bearing on the matter?"

"Humans are a bit more complicated than that," Maíra said, sighing and shaking her head.

"That's just silly," the unicorn proclaimed, shaking out its mane. "Now, where would one find a place for wedding dresses? Ah! I'll ask them."

Just across the intersection from them were two people on horseback.

"You can't ask them, those are police officers," Maíra hissed.

"They look like they might know the way to a place with wedding dresses," the unicorn said confidently and approached them.

The closer that they got to the police officers, the more Maíra noticed just how large their horses were. She wasn't an expert on horses, obsession with unicorns notwithstanding, but even she could see that they were powerfully built. If she had to imagine the kind of horses that medieval knights rode into battle, these would be those horses.

"We need to find a wedding dress," the unicorn said, addressing the officers with a swish of its mane.

The officers stared, and one stood up in her stirrups and leaned over to look at Maíra where she was perched on the unicorn's back. Maíra shrank back away from their gaze. She'd never had anything happen to her personally to make her fear police officers, and in their eyes she probably looked like an ordinary young lady, but she couldn't help being afraid. It wasn't the type of fear that made someone run screaming in terror; it was the kind where one stayed as still as possible and hoped they remained unnoticed.

"Did you just talk?" the officer asked. "Why are you wearing pyjamas?"

Maíra had forgotten she was wearing pyjamas. She was also riding a talking creature that no one in their right mind believed exists. What if they thought she was mad?

"Wedding dress!" she said, clutching her hoodie closer around her.

The officers looked at one another briefly in confusion before turning to look at Maíra again. Maíra was trying desperately to think of a way to explain the situation, but everything circled back to the fact she'd been kidnapped by a magical creature.

"Do you not know where a wedding dress may be found?" the unicorn continued. "We need one."

"We really don't need one," Maíra said, dread curling in her stomach. She hoped the officers didn't think she was talking to herself.

"Horses aren't allowed here," the female police officer said.

"You have a horse," the unicorn pointed out.

"We're police officers," the other police officer pointed out. "It's hard to be 'mounted police' without mounts."

"Well, I'm not a horse," the unicorn said smugly.

"Are we not going to discuss that it's a talking horse?" Maíra asked pointedly, before shaking her head in disbelief. "I really am going mad. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird?"

"Horse-shaped creature," the female police officer added. "I'm going to have to ask you to come with us."

"We must find a wedding dress!" the unicorn argued.

"Why do they not care they're talking to a unicorn?" asked Maíra, gesturing to them.

"Please come with us," the officers said, both raising one hand towards her.

"That's a bit creepy. We should go," Maíra tapped at the unicorn's sides with her ankles, even though she knew that the unicorn wouldn't know horse riding commands.

"They haven't told us where to get a wedding dress," the unicorn protested.

"They're going to arrest us!" Maíra said, digging her heels in harder. "Go!"

The unicorn went. Unfortunately, it wasn't going very fast, trotting along the sidewalk, hooves chiming on the ground like bells. Maíra poked at its side again, but this time it ignored her.

"Go faster, or they'll catch us," she said, tugging its mane to get its attention.

"Why would they chase us?"

She glanced over her shoulder, and the sight behind her was so alarming that she screamed. The unicorn looked back as well and leapt forward.

The two mounted police were charging down the block at them, their horses' hides gleaming and rippling over their powerful muscles. Yes, Maíra could definitely see why she'd thought of knights on horseback, because these horses were war machines.

"Yes, I see your point," the unicorn said, taking off in a flash of glitter and silver light.

They quickly outpaced the enormous steeds and their riders, but Maíra's heart was still pounding and she couldn't help but keep looking back over her shoulder in case they caught up.

"What was wrong with them?" Maíra asked, rubbing her arms. "Police aren't normally like that."

"You mean extremely unhelpful when it comes to finding appropriate clothing for love declarations?" the unicorn asked with a snort.

"No, that is not what I meant," Maíra said. "Didn't you see them? They started getting all weird and talking like robots."

"What's a robot?"

"Never mind." Maíra rolled her eyes. "I must have been imagining it."

"I hope you're happy," the unicorn said. "Now we'll never find a wedding dress for you! Dealing with the human world is so tedious."

"If you think that after only an hour, imagine how humans must feel," Maíra grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

"I am going to find you a wedding dress! If you are to declare your love, you must do it right!" The unicorn seemed adamant on its course of action.

Maíra sighed and waited for the silly thing to just give up. Dress or no dress, she wasn't going to go and confess her love. After the whole shock of meeting an actual unicorn, she finally considered what the unicorn actually wanted her to do. There was no way she could tell Carol anything at all. In fact, she often forgot how to talk when in Carol's presence.

"Oh! Oh! Is that a wedding dress?" The unicorn danced on the spot in excitement.

Maíra looked through the storefront window, and by some sort of miracle, they were actually in front of a store for wedding dresses. Before she could answer, the unicorn decided she was taking too long and just went through the propped-open door.

"We need a wedding dress!" the unicorn said. "Right away!"

The shop assistant, who had been hanging up a dress to put it away, dropped it in shock. A moment later, she scrambled after it, hurriedly replacing it and turning to glare at them.

"Just look at what you nearly made me do! That wedding dress is expensive." The assistant's mouth went thin and her dark eyes narrowed.

"Expensive! What's all this talk of 'expensive this' and 'expensive that?'" The unicorn almost reared up before it remembered the ceiling.

"Do you know who designed this dress?" the assistant put her hands on her hips and leaned forward, ready for an argument. "Just look at all the material! Of course it's expensive!"

"It's beautiful," the unicorn replied, its voice thoughtful. "But expensive?"

"She means it costs a lot of money," Maíra said. "Don't you know what money is?"

"No," the unicorn said. "Unicorns don't have money. Why do humans have money? It seems completely unnecessary to me!"

"If neither of you have any money, then I suggest you take yourselves out of my shop," the assistant said darkly, moving to stand in between them and the dresses on display.

The unicorn backed out of the store, ears flattening back in dismay. As they left without another word, however, and walked dejectedly out of the store, Maíra thought its hooves jangled less on the pavement than before.

"I wasn't going to confess anyway," Maíra said.

"But you must! We mustn't let this get in the way of our quest! To the Other Side!" the unicorn declared, this time rearing up as it had wanted to earlier.

"The other side of what?" Maíra asked.

The unicorn ignored her question again, and Maíra could hear strange music and discordant sounds rising up all around her. It was as if large out-of-tune bells were ringing, and Maíra's teeth jarred together as she clenched them against the unpleasant noise.

The world around her began to blur together, as if she was seeing it in watercolour, and in front of them, a group of bright points began to coalesce into one ball of light. It slowly widened, and a hole opened up in the middle. At first she thought that the hole was black, but as it opened further, she could see a flurry of green in front of her.

"Wait!" Maíra cried out.

And the unicorn charged into the middle of the green world, bursting into it in a cloud of silver light and exploding stars.

For a few minutes, Maíra couldn't see a thing. It was so bright that she closed her eyes, then because she could still see the light through her eyelids, she covered them with her hands.

"I know just the people to make you a
real
dress for love declarations."

Maíra opened her eyes and nearly closed them again against the vivid greenness of the world she found them in. Every single living organism around them was brilliantly coloured, and quite a lot of what she saw was some variety of green. The forest around her was simply lush with life.

"What is this place," she asked, looking around nervously. "Where's Vancouver?"

"The Other Side, opposite the Mortal Realm," the unicorn replied. "Ah, I can change here, but I'd better leave that until we find what we're looking for."

"Change?" Maíra shook her head and leaned against the unicorn's neck heavily. "I don't understand."

"The magic here makes it easy, whereas in your realm, devoid of magic, makes it hard to do much of anything."

Maíra just knew she was going to regret asking. "Where are we going
now
?"

"Oh, to see the elves," the unicorn replied. "They're the best with clothing."

"Elves," Maíra said, but supposed that elves were really nothing to be worried about in comparison to the unicorn. At least
they
probably wouldn't try and kidnap her.

Eventually, they wandered into a part of the wood where the trunks of the trees were large enough around, Maíra could imagine her house fitting inside of it. They were covered in moss and ivy, almost decorative in their patterns. Maíra thought it was a coincidence until she noticed the little doorway in the bark of one of the trees. She'd only noticed it because it was at her eye-level, but now that she was looking, she could see them all over the place.

"Ah, here we are. The Land of the Woodland Elves," the unicorn said. "Off you get."

By this point, Maíra's legs were beginning to cramp from sitting on horseback for so long, and she slid off gratefully. Her legs were a little wobbly, and she walked around to try and get the feeling back into them. She was grateful for her voluptuous backside that was less sore than she imagined it would be. Certainly less sore than her legs, anyway.

Then, the unicorn shimmered abruptly and changed forms. Maíra blinked in surprise at the unicorn's new appearance. It was still all glowing and white, but it was more human-shaped than it had been. It had long limbs, and seemed to be covered in fine, silvery fur. Its eyes were quite large, and it had a long, equine nose and a flowing white mane. Also, it was naked.

Maíra almost averted her gaze until she realized something: it had no external genitalia.

It was a bit like a doll in that it didn't have any distinctive sex characteristics. It had no breasts, or even nipples to suggest that it nursed its young, nor did it have excess hair besides the thin layer of fur. Maíra realized she was staring, but couldn't bring herself to look away. It was an entirely sexless creature, and although it had noticed she was staring, didn't seem to be concerned with modesty.

"You don't have..." Maíra wasn't sure how to put her statement. She didn't know if unicorns had a basis for gender, or if they would become offended if asked. And certainly, Maíra knew very well how it felt to have her own genitalia discussed as if people had a right to know all about them because she was a bit different.

"Unicorns are genderless," the unicorn said, shrugging. "Oh, that's an interesting movement. You humans have some interesting ideas after all." It shrugged again. "We don't need to reproduce. We are created every single time someone falls in love."

"You're actually created by love?" Maíra asked, eyes wide.

"Oh, yes. There's a lot of us, you know. Lots of people fall in love," the unicorn closed its eyes with a pleased look. "We're genderless, because that is no barrier to the ways that people love one another."

So that's why the unicorn didn't understand why Carol might not love her.

"That's not really how it works with humans," Maíra said. "Without even getting into the mess that is human reproduction, we also have these important things called sexual and gender orientation, and if those things don't match up in some way––"

The unicorn looked at her blankly and then said, "Regardless, you need a dress. How is your Carol to know how you feel if you don't tell her?"

"She wasn't meant to know," Maíra said, sighing and shaking her head. "I wasn't going to tell her. I was going to watch from afar and hope that eventually my feelings for her would fade."

The unicorn looked at her with wide, horrified eyes. "There's nothing that terrifies a unicorn more than being wished out of existence."

"You're not saying that you think I should cultivate my unrequited feelings for her?" Maíra said.

"You don't know if they're unrequited yet!" the unicorn snorted and then stamped its foot in frustration, sending up a tinkling noise and a spray of tiny silver stars.

"But I can't just tell her!" Maíra argued, hands on her hips. "She doesn't even know anything about me! There are some pretty important things that might not be immediately obvious, but would cause a big rift in our communications if I didn't tell her. I'm not sure if I'm really ready to tell her about it."