Love Renewed (Entwined Hearts #3) (31 page)

“What?” his voice is lashing and I’m momentarily thrown at his sudden change in demeanour. “You think I didn’t come back? I’m sorry Nova, but you’ve confused me. I know I told you a little of what happened the day you got your memory back, but you were so distraught you might not remember. Even so I’m aware that some fucked up shit went on, but I was told you ran?” The words are like taking a bullet to the chest.

“I did run, from Kurtis. I waited for you to come get me, but you didn’t. So all these years of pain, hurt and anguish were because of a misunderstanding?” I choke on my own words.

“No. They fucking weren’t. Fucking hell!” Dane roars making me flinch. Standing up he starts pacing the floor.

I watch him for a beat then tentatively ask, “What is it?” My question makes him pause and his scarily angry face softens as soon as he looks at me, making me lose the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

Coming to sit back next to me and grabbing my hand he explains, “I came back from the photo shoot. You weren’t at Kurtis and Shelly’s so I called Ryan. He met me at Larks Café. Told me that Kurtis had attacked you…” He pauses with his words swallowing and taking a second to get his emotion under control. “Ryan said you’d left, that you’d run away. You asked him for money and he offered for you to stay with him, but you said no. You gave Ryan an ultimatum. Either give you some money for a train or you were going to be hitchhiking to wherever you were going. Ryan said he’d given you money and you’d promised to stay in touch, but obviously you hadn’t.” Dane shakes his head as his teeth grind. “The worst thing was that he didn’t tell me any of that straightaway. When I came back you were gone and I asked him, he said had no clue where you were, only telling me later that actually he had given you money and helped you leave. I had no reason to doubt him, I looked for you but never had any leads. After a while, it just hurt all the time. So I stopped looking. Well, I stopped looking myself. I still had people who kept their ear to the ground so to speak. It hurt too much to believe in a dream. That’s how it felt at that point like a dream.” He stops talking and grips my hand tighter. “But you’re here now baby, and if this is a dream then leave me plugged into the fucking
Matrix
because I’m happy for the first time in years.”

I can feel the sadness seeping through my skin as well as the emptiness coming back, filling my insides with black, with nothing. I don’t talk about my past, I don’t even remember it myself. There are reasons why. I have locked that part of my history away. Then when I lost my memory I didn’t need to lock it away anymore, or consciously ignore it, my brain had fixed that problem for me. Since my memory came back, I’ve purposely pushed the thoughts back into that box. Now I need to face it, to let it out and exorcize the demons that I carry. I can’t think of anyone better than Dane to help me do just that.

“I waited for you. I pined, and even though my heart was broken when you left, I was still desperate for your return.” I watch a sadness colour his face as he swallows and looks at our entwined fingers. “I stayed away from the house as much as I could. Ryan let me crash at his a fair bit. Then we had a disagreement…” I pause and try to think about how best to explain.

“What.” Dane snaps.

I look back up to his face. “He kind of tried to kiss me and I pushed him away.”

“That fucker,” he spits.

“When it happened I went back home. By the time I’d done the thirty-minute walk I had cleared my head some and figured Ryan was a bit drunk. Some of his friends had been over and the alcohol was flowing, he probably didn’t mean what happened. But it was too late to turn back, so I went to the house and was intending to go back to Ryan’s in the morning.” I take a massive breath in, allowing it to slowly flow back out of me, closing my eyes as it does. Then I’m quiet.

“What happened that night, baby?” Dane’s voice is so soft and tender, he gives me renewed courage to relive my past.

“When I got back and crept in, everything felt off. I can’t explain how. It just didn’t feel right. I got to my room and felt instantly relieved sinking to the floor with my back against the door. The relief was short lived when I got up and turned to lock my door, realising the inside lock you fitted had been removed.” I can feel Dane’s hand getting tighter and tighter so I pull mine from his. He looks down but says nothing. “It occurred to me that Leo, the younger boy who was living there with us, had a night away with his aunt. That Shelly was out whoring and that I was alone with Kurtis.” Dane slips his hands into his hair gripping and pulling it, torment in his eyes. “Do you want me to stop?” I ask, more worried about him than me. Strangely, I’m feeling somewhat okay about reliving my story, like I’m telling someone else’s story. It’s like Dane is my shield and nothing can hurt me anymore.

“No baby,” he croaks.

“Okay. I tried to ignore the worry. I knew there was nothing I could do…nobody to save me,” I whisper the last part because it's true and it hurts. I know he’ll feel like it was his fault even though it isn’t—not really. Still it’s part of my story and although hurting him isn’t my intention, I need to say what I felt. He needs to know exactly how it was, then I can finally start to let it all go. So I can’t think of his feelings while I relive my nightmare. “I continued to go about my usual nightly business. I brushed my teeth and put on one of your shirts. I remember so clearly. It was a blue button-through shirt, it was too big, the sleeves would hang over my hands, but it still smelled like you and I loved it. I burnt it after that night.” I can see his corded neck as he tries to contain the emotion, turning his head away from me slightly, I allow him the space he needs while I finally get out the rest of my story. “He came in, I heard him. When he sat on the side of my bed, I asked what he was doing and tried to move away. Kurtis laughed resting his hand on the side of my face, pinching my cheek. ‘
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have you, someone tight and fresh and new. Pity, I didn’t get to break you in. I know that the dipshit Dane had it from you first. Still, he’s gone, so now I get my turn.’
He didn’t try to gag me or quiet my screams, there was nobody to hear them, no one to stop him. He raped me.” Dane shifts then stands, he knew this, I threw it out there when we had our argument in New York. Still, I can see as the muscle in his cheek jumps that he’s keeping a very loose reign on control at the moment. “I’m not going to talk about the small details as I’ve blanked them out myself, even before I lost my memory, and honestly, it’s not something I want to relive. I switched off, went somewhere else, it was like he was using someone else’s body. The only thing I clung on to was that he used a condom. I know why, he couldn’t risk getting me pregnant. Still, I went to the clinic, got myself checked out. Ryan took me. I didn’t press charges. Though, to be honest, back then I was completely fucked up and I didn’t know what to do. After he had left my room that night, I ran to Ryan’s. Told him what had happened and he tried to get me to go to the police but I couldn’t face it. Ryan went back to the house to grab some of my things, my passport and important bits. Then I stayed with him. I was waiting until you came back, I wanted to tell you, ask you what to do. But you never came. I asked Ryan a few times and he said he’d heard you were a big shot model now and had no intention of coming back…” I falter as my emotion surfaces. It’s strange, I don’t get overly emotional about being raped, but I do about Dane abandoning me, which is how it felt. When I needed him the most, he let me down. I know now that it didn’t happen like that, still it doesn’t erase the hurt I felt then and still do now. It’s like a fresh wound. Seeing Dane again tore that wound open and I’m struggling to move past it.

“Lying little fucker. I can’t tell you how much I want to kill him. And just so you know. I will,” he informs me like he’s just told me we’ve run out of toothpaste.

“Oh okay. Actually, on that subject, I want to know about you. What are you, Dane?” I ask, my curiosity spiked.

“One thing at a time Nova. First, I want you to finish your story. Do you know how you lost your memory?” I gulp at his words. I do. I remembered everything. But I’m scared to tell him.

“Nova,” he pushes.

“I stayed with Ryan. After about six months of living with him and no sign of you, he propositioned me again. Not trying to kiss me, just asking for a date. I said no. Then a month later he asked again. This was how it continued. Eventually I gave in, said yes. And you know what? I had fun. He took me to the beach. You know how I’ve always loved it by the sea. Things continued in that way. Then a little over a year after you left we finally kissed and became a couple. Three months later the beatings started.”

“Fuck!” Dane bellows smashing his nearly healed fist into the mirror above the fireplace.

“For goodness sake! You seriously have to stop punching things big guy,” I chastise him then run to the kitchen, grabbing a towel and some ice. I come back and make him sit back next to me on the sofa as I tend to his now bleeding hand. I can tell his anger is far from under control as his eyes glisten and his jaw works. I reach up and hold his face in my hands. “You want me to tell you everything, I have no problem doing that. You know why?” I don’t stop to wait for his reply. “Because I can relive it all now, much easier than I thought I’d be able to. The reason is because I’m with you now. I know you’ll protect me. He can’t hurt me anymore. None of them can.”

His eyes drop from mine to his hand then back to me. “Maybe. Still, you got caught up in the last lot of shit and could have died. If they had just put a bullet in your head when they had you I don’t—”

I cut him off. “They didn’t. Anyway, you can’t blame yourself for that—”

“The fuck I can’t!” he hisses.

“Stop!” I shout and then lower my voice. “Just stop. Okay? I get what you’re saying. But if you knew I was in this country would I have been in danger then? If I hadn’t have just turned up to your house unannounced would I have been in danger?” I argue.

“That’s not the point. Just being with me puts you in danger, and baby you should be able to come anywhere I am unannounced.”

“Are you getting out of whatever it is you’re in?” I ask the question that scares me the most.

“Already am. Just need to finish Ryan then I’m done for good. But I’m already out. Ryan is personal,” he explains.

“Why are you out?” I counter.

“Because I love you.”

“There. That’s all I need to know.”

He says nothing but closes his eyes and when they open I see a different Dane. A softer, emotional Dane, as his eyes shimmer. “The accident. I ran, got away from Ryan. Eventually. I’d been doing the ironing for the neighbour whenever he was out. It didn’t pay a lot and it took me nearly a year to save the money. I went to a shelter, it was about a month before Christmas. I used a fake name. Then I went to a travel agent and booked a one-way ticket to New York. I’d seen a photoshoot of you randomly only a month before and it said you worked at the modelling agency. But it was in New York. I wanted to get there. To see you. So everything I had saved to let me escape, I used instead to take me to you. All I had to do was get through a few weeks until my flight. One day I was out. I’d just picked up my ticket and was walking back from the High Street. I had nothing on me except the ticket and my passport, which I carried everywhere. Feeling free and happy I never saw Ryan coming. He was on a motorbike. He stopped and grabbed me, hauled me in front of him and drove off. I wasn’t even sitting on it properly. I struggled and tried to get away when I realised he wasn’t letting me go I started screaming. We were only a mile or so up the road when he noticed people were watching us. So he threw me off. I wasn’t wearing a helmet. He didn’t slow down.” I stop and bite my lip. “I was lucky that I didn’t die,” I whisper.

I move to touch Dane’s hand. “Don’t touch me,” he forces out through bared teeth. I shrink back and once again feel a sting from his bite. I know he’s just angry and needs a minute to pull himself together, and the reason he’s angry is because of me. Still, I can’t push aside the pain of losing him or rejection.