Love Slave for Two: Family Matters (27 page)

“But it’s my fault this all happened. It’s…” He closed his eyes. “It’s my fault that guy died.”

She shook her head. “No. It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yeah, it was. If I’d taken the truck instead of the bike—”

“He still might have pulled out in front of you. Only then at least you wouldn’t have been hurt as badly, and he still might have died.” She laid her hand on his cheek and made him look at her. “We have never blamed you for that. The guy’s family doesn’t even blame you. Is that what this is about, you hate yourself?”

“I don’t know.” And that was the truth. He didn’t. He remained silent for a moment, trying to sort out his thoughts. “I feel guilty. All this extra shit I’ve heaped on you because I made a stupid fucking choice to take the bike. You both needed me, and the one time you really need me, not only am I not there for both of you, but I’m making things worse.”

He wiped his hand across his eyes. “I’m sorry I said it to her. I’m sorry I flirted with her. I’m stupid. I wanted to stop. I didn’t mean to lead her on, it just happened. It doesn’t excuse what I did. I never told her I wasn’t married to the two of you. I just helped her jump to a few conclusions.”

Nevvie’s face grew sad again. “You never told her Adam was your son. Why?”

Now was not the time to delve into the legalities of the situation, not when it seemed he might have a chance of not losing them. “I’m sorry. There is no excuse for what I did except that I’m a brain damaged asshole.”

He looked up at her shocked laugh. She smiled. Weak and sad but still a smile.

He’d take whatever he could get.

“Maybe that’s your new nickname for a while,” she joked. “The BDA.”

“Can you stay around long enough for me to earn something better?”

She nodded. “I’m pissed. I won’t lie to you. I’m really, really pissed. Not just because of me, but because of how you hurt Tyler.”

“I know. You have every right to be pissed at me. I deserve it.”

She studied his face for long, silent minutes. “How do we learn to trust you again?” she finally asked. “How do I get that back? I never would have thought we couldn’t trust you. How do I know you really want me and Tyler?”

He grabbed her hand and pulled it to his cheek, nuzzled it. “Sweetheart, I love you. And him. I do.”

“I won’t share you guys with anyone else and you guys promised you’d never share me. We agreed it would only be the three of us.”

“I don’t want anyone but you two, I swear.”

Nevvie stared at him. “She can’t come back here. You get to call the agency and request someone else. You led her on, you do the dirty work.”

“That’s fair.”

“Today. When we get done with this. I don’t care what excuse you use. Feel free to say your wife is a bitch if you want, I don’t care. She doesn’t set foot in this house again. Not that she’ll probably want to.”

“Done.”

Nevvie didn’t pull her hand away, a fact he didn’t miss.

A fact that kept his hope alive.

“You’ve got to quit pushing us away. You sleep in bed with us.”

He nodded.

“You talk to us. Even if you think it’s stupid, you tell us what you’re thinking when we ask what’s going on. You quit shutting us out.”

He nodded again, not daring to speak.

She stared at him. “Yes, Tyler and I have made love. Does that really bother you considering you wouldn’t come to bed with us?”

“It’s…” He regrouped, trying not to fuck this up. “It doesn’t bother me. Not like that. I just thought you guys wouldn’t want me.  I know I pushed you two away”

“You didn’t really want us to leave you alone, did you?”

He didn’t answer.

“I am not a mind reader, no matter how spooky that freaky little connection is between me and Tyler. Tyler’s good, but he’s not a mind reader either. You tell us enough times you want to be left alone, we’re going to leave you alone. If you don’t want to be left alone, you need to tell us what the hell is swirling around in your brain.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you. It was just me being stupid.”

She lay down again, a little closer than before, facing him.

“You have to make it up to Tyler,” she softly said. “You really hurt him. I can forgive the kiss. What hurt him was seeing you kiss someone else, someone younger—much younger—a younger woman.  Look at it from his point of view. I think it would have been easier on him if it’d been a guy, because he wouldn’t be worried you’re giving up on him altogether.”

Thomas cringed inside. He never thought about it like that. “I love him. He’s my guy. You know that.”

“No, we don’t know that. It feels like we don’t know anything about you anymore. Tell him. Show him. We’re his world. You haven’t been telling him or showing him lately.”

Thomas cried again, hating himself. How could he have done that to Tyler?

“Jesus, I really fucked up.”

“Yeah. We’re not giving you a pass, Tommy. As much as we love you, we need to know we can trust you. And frankly, right now, we don’t trust you.”

“I know.”

Nevvie was quiet for a long time. “You’ll go talk to someone, a psychologist, about all of this. Alone and the three of us. You’ve got to get this out of your system. You need to start healing.”

“Yes.”

“You make the calls on that, too. By Monday morning, I want you to have found someone and made an appointment for as soon as they can see you.”

“Okay.”

“And you have to make it up to Tyler. If you can’t do that…If that doesn’t happen, none of the rest matters because I won’t stay and have him be hurt. I’ll leave with him.”

Desperate pain flared in his heart. “I’ll do anything. I promise.”

“You need to start going to the office with me. Even if you hurt. You can’t stay cooped up here all the time.”

“Plus you want to keep an eye on me.”

“Fucking A I do.”

“I’m sorry.”

She grimaced. “No, wait, you can’t go to the office with me.”

“Why not?”

“I need someone here with Tyler.” Her eyes welled up again.

He looked at her, confused. “Why? He’s…” He watched her face. She finally met his gaze. “You’re scared.”

She nodded, her voice dropping to a tortured whisper. “If Mom and I hadn’t been here…” She started sobbing again and he awkwardly hooked an arm around her, pulling her against him as she cried.

More guilt. While he’d been moping around, pitying himself, he’d totally ignored Nevvie’s pain and fear. “He’s okay, sugar.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t think about it before, with everything else going on. Once I got you home it hit me. I can’t leave him alone. Not for a whole day. I won’t. I hate letting him out of my sight. I was standing there in the kitchen and turned to talk to him and he just collapsed. Like that. He was gone! If I hadn’t been there…If I’d been in the shower or back in your office even, in five minutes he would have…” She sobbed again.

As best he could, Thomas held her, trying to soothe her, despising himself. He’d been blind thinking she was doing so well when she wasn’t.

Not at all.

“He
died
, Tommy!” she cried. “He died right there and the EMTs had to shock him. And then they called me and told me about you…”

He buried his face in her hair, not bothering to hold back his own tears. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you when you needed me. I’m here now, I swear.”

She balled up her fist and beat on his chest. “He
died
,” she sobbed. “He
died
in my arms. He died, Tommy! You don’t get to bitch about your leg or your head, because you didn’t fucking die on me! He
died
! Someone’s got to stay with him in case it happens again!”

He wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her while she cried it out. He’d never looked at it like that. Now he understood. The worst wasn’t over for her, even if he and Tyler thought it was. The worst had just begun. She was terrified of Tyler having another heart attack and no one being there to help him.

When she finally settled down he kissed her temple. “I can work from home. They don’t need me there every day. I can stay here and work and go in once a week or something. Or I can sell out and stay home. We’d be okay. More than okay. Whatever you want to do, honey, I swear, that’s what we’ll do. Tyler has to write, that’s who he is, it’s not just a job for him. I’ll never ask him to give that up, but if you want, I’ll sell and stay home for you.”

She tipped her head to look at him. “You would?”

He brushed the hair from her eyes. “Say the word. I’ll ask Bob to start the ball rolling.”

“But you love what you do.”

“I love you two—three—more. If it’s what you need to feel secure, another set of eyes on Tyler all the time, I’ll do it.”

“I don’t know. Maybe in a few months I won’t feel like this. Right now I’m scared to leave him alone. I mean, I know he wants to be alone so he can work, but it scares me.” She went quiet for a moment. “Don’t be surprised if it gets thrown in your face.”

“I deserve it.”

“If you ever decide you want out, you need to tell us, be up front about it.”

“I don’t want out. I want to be here with you. After all this crap you two still want me. I’m not about to do something else stupid and throw that away.”

She lay quietly in his arms while he stroked her back. “You have to make it up to him, Tommy,” she softly said. “You need to talk to him right now and make it up to him.”

He kissed her. “I will. Send him in.”

She looked at him, touched his face, the new scar across his cheek. “I love you. Please don’t push us away anymore. Please make this right. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you two either.”

She carefully climbed out of bed so she didn’t jostle him. A few minutes later Tyler, his eyes red, stood in the doorway. “Nevvie said you wish to talk,” he softly said.

The knife twisted deeper in Tom’s gut, turned by his own hand. He’d done this to his guy. Even when Nevvie was in the hospital after Alex’s attack, Tyler hadn’t looked quite this bad.

His fault. All his fault.

Thomas held out his hand to Tyler. “Please?”

Tyler slowly walked across the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, out of reach, his back to Thomas.

“I’m sorry,” Thomas said, trying to get it all out before he lost it again. “I’m so sorry. Like I told Nevvie, you two didn’t do a damn thing wrong, it was all me, my fault. I love you guys, and I don’t want to lose you.”

Tyler studied his hands, didn’t say anything.

“Please, Ty,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I swear to God, it won’t ever happen again. Never. It had nothing to do with you and Nevvie.”

Tyler snorted but said nothing.

“I love you. You’re my guy. You’ll always be my guy. We’ve been together too long to lose what we’ve got.”

Tyler’s soft, agonized voice broke Thomas’ heart. “How do I really know? How do I know for sure you’re not tired of me altogether? Then again, I never expected you to kiss someone not even a fraction as beautiful as our wife. I can understand flirting, I suppose. A lot has happened to you. But to kiss someone else? And then to say what you said to her?”

He finally turned, crying. “She’s our girl, Thomas.
Our
Nevvie. I would never dream of calling someone else my angel. How could you do that to her?”

“Nevvie agrees my new nickname is ‘Brain Damaged Asshole.’”

Tyler closed his eyes at that, but the slightest of smiles curled his lips.

Thomas tried again. “Whatever you want, I’ll do it. She won’t stay unless I can make this right with you. You say it, I’ll do it. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose the three of you. Pete said I should pray for a miracle and then spend the next few years on my knees groveling. That sounds like a good fucking idea, honestly.”

“How could you
not
brag about our son? We have the most beautiful wife and son in the world. How can you not be proud enough of them to brag to everyone that we’re the two luckiest bastards on the face of the planet?”

Thomas pointed at himself. “Brain Damaged Asshole.”

Another almost amused snort. “Right.”

Thomas reached out to him again and Tyler looked at his hand for a long moment before lying down on the bed. Not as close as Thomas hoped, but at least he was on his side facing him, within touching distance.

“I love you, Ty. I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, I think. I never could understand what you saw in me. Even Pete said you’re out of my league in the looks department.” He prayed for a smile and a ghost of one crossed Tyler’s lips. “You’ve always stood beside me no matter what. I’m ashamed of myself. I’ll grovel, I’ll do whatever you need me to do to prove to you how much I love you, to give me a chance to earn your trust back.”

Tyler reached out and stroked Thomas’ cheek. “I’ve always thought you were quite handsome, love.”

Thomas’ breath caught in his throat. He grabbed Tyler’s hand and kissed it. “Can I have another chance? Please? I swear to God I won’t fuck it up. Never again.”

Tyler’s blue eyes searched his face. “What did you promise Nevvie?”

He ran through the list, ending with making things right with Tyler.

Tyler lay silent for many long minutes before taking a deep breath and letting out a long sigh. “Brain Damaged Arsehole?”

Thomas nodded, smiling. “Yeah. Want me to get it tattooed on my forehead?”

A real smile. Ty shook his head. “No, love. Your forehead is just fine the way it is.”

“Can you ever forgive me? Please?” He still clutched Tyler’s hand.

After what felt like forever, Tyler closed his eyes and nodded. “She’s right that I might not be able to resist throwing it in your face. I’ll try not to, but I can’t promise.”

“I don’t care. You can remind me every day if you want.” He knew he was begging. He didn’t care how he sounded. All he knew was he had to do whatever it took to get their forgiveness.

“I love you, Thomas. I want the three of us to spend our lives together, raising our son, any other children we might have. I don’t want to waste life worrying whether or not you’re making eyes at anyone else. I don’t want to live like that. I lived like that once. I won’t do it again.”