Love Starts With Z (20 page)

“It’s your damned rule, Soren, remember? God, can’t you see I’m burning here. Put the damned mask on so I can touch you like I want.”

“Oh,” she said meekly. Well, that changed things. Her fingers shook as she fumbled with the clasp, and with a growl, he turned her and clicked it into place. Spinning her hard enough to make her dizzy, he yanked the tie on her pants and pulled her hand against his long shaft, hardened beneath the fabric of his trousers.

His hands were everywhere, pulling, caressing, tugging clothes off until she stood naked in the marsh grass. He eased away only long enough to pull his shirt over his head and throw it in the grass behind her. Muscles rippled under tanned skin as he moved, and she couldn’t take her eyes from him if her life depended on it. Her skin grew cold in the moment he was away, but he returned and drew one of her hardened nipples into his mouth. She could feel the vibration of his groan against her breast, and a tremor ran up her spine. She watched his movements in a haze, still in disbelief that a man like Kaegan would want to taste her, would want to touch her.

Hurried, he pulled her down onto his lap and gripped her hair until her neck arched toward the moonlight. “You’re mine,” he rasped against her throat. “Swear to me the only man you’ll ever kiss again is me.”

She squeezed her eyes closed against the urgency of the oath on her lips. “I can’t ever kiss you, Kaegan. Will you never be satisfied?”

So fast, she gasped, he rolled her over and slid into her. “Satisfied?” he asked, easing out slowly. “No. I could be buried inside of you every day for the rest of my life and still not be satisfied. Don’t ever ask me that question again, Soren. The answer will always be no—I can’t get enough of you.”

She was lost as he thrust into her again, riding a wave of feeling and emotion and sensation. Gripping her hands, he lifted them above her head, pinning her under him as he claimed all of her. He dragged her waist closer, filled her, pressed into her, asked for more, and she gave eagerly because with every touch, she came closer to something important. Something she’d share only with him for the rest of her days.

The muscles of his back flexed under her fingertips, and his grip on her hair tightened as their rhythm became frantic. Release filled her like the pin being pulled from a grenade, and at the explosion, she screamed his name.

He cried out at his own climax and shifted her farther back into the grass, pushing her as if his breath had been stolen and only ramming forward would save him. Warmth spilled into her and he froze and buried his face against her shoulder.

His dark, chin-length hair fell out of its binding as he eased back and looked down at her. “Shit,” he rasped, eyes intense. “That wasn’t how I wanted our first time to go.”

“I’m not complaining,” she said, surprised by the husky tone her voice had adopted.

“I just imagined making it,” he looked around the small clearing they’d made in the grass, “more special for you. But you’ve been driving me crazy, and then almost losing you today…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry for coming at you like some rutting animal.”

“Mmm,” she said, stroking his jaw with the tip of her finger. “I think I like the way you came at me just fine.”

With a sigh, he rolled over and pulled her into him until she rested her head on his shoulder. “Remember when we watched the stars at the Denver colony together?”

“Mmmhmm,” she hummed.

“That was the moment for me.” He turned his head and watched her. “That was when I knew what I wanted.”

“And what was that?”

“You. All of you.”

She turned and smiled in wonder. “How can you look past everything and see me, Kaegan?”

“There is nothing I have to look past, Soren.” He brushed a finger down the strap of the muzzle, trailing heat wherever he touched her skin like the tail of a meteor. “I love every single thing about you.”

The breeze caressed her bare skin, and a shooting star streaked across the ebony sky. She pointed, and he entwined his fingers with hers.

“Make a wish,” he breathed.

She thought about the bleakness of their future—the obstacles they had to overcome and the war that sat just on the horizon, and she dismissed any wishes about their future. This falling star was special and meant for only them, and she didn’t want to waste it.

Her hope was for the present.

She wished this perfect moment could stretch on and on.

“C
OULD
Y
OU
B
E
A
NY
M
ORE
O
BVIOUS
?” Adrianna asked grumpily.

Soren didn’t know what she was talking about. She and Kaegan were on opposite sides of the room and hadn’t even touched each other since breakfast. And yes, that was only half an hour before, but to her, it felt like three and a half years.

Adrianna bent forward to tie her shoe. “Whenever you’re ready, could you please stop rubbing it in the faces of the rest of the team who aren’t getting any, hmm?”

“Ha,” Colten said, leaning back on the couch and throwing an old, discolored tennis ball at the ceiling, then catching it. “I offer to have sex with you like, every fifteen minutes, Ade. You have no one to blame for your sexual frustration but yourself. Carry on you two.”

Kaegan snuck her a secret smile and went back to packing the pots into his backpack. Soren turned and handed Lauren a rolled blanket to strap onto her go-bag.

Lauren scribbled across her chalkboard:

We should make it to La Junta today.

“Agreed,” she said, grabbing her toothbrush and small jar of homemade mint toothpaste.

Lauren grabbed hers too and followed her outside. It was still dark, but likely that was due to the storm clouds that swirled overhead.

“If we can avoid any big skirmishes, I think we’ll make it there by midday.”

A nod from Lauren, and she scooped toothpaste and started brushing.

The sky to the west was filled with circling black birds and Soren pointed. “Look.”

Lauren grimaced and spat as Soren started brushing beside her. She couldn’t smell the carnage yet, but if the Crow Train was anything like Adrianna described it, she would soon enough.

The others emerged from the house, ready to go, and Kaegan plunked her satchel over her shoulder. He’d brushed his teeth earlier, and Soren didn’t like to be rushed, so she waved them on. Lauren held back and gargled canteen water with her, then wiped her sleeve over Soren’s mouth with a wry smile. The fabric of her hoodie came back covered in toothpaste.

“Mmm, thanks for the save,” she said, wiping her chin again for good measure.

Kaegan waited up ahead and she smacked her lips and said, “Minty,” as she passed.

He looked distracted and happy as he pushed brambles out of the way with his machete. “Yeah? Let me taste.” He leaned forward and she stretched on tippy toes to reach him.

Lauren shoved him in the chest, hard. It wasn’t until Soren saw the angry confusion in her friend’s face that it hit her. In a move so casual she hadn’t given a thought to it, she’d almost killed Kaegan. His face went ghostly white as he stood frozen in front of her, the lingering pucker of their almost kiss still upon his lips. After what they’d shared last night, it had been so natural to draw his kiss from her forehead, from her cheeks and neck, to her lips, and that one moment of comfort had almost snuffed his life from existence.

“Kaegan,” her voice shook like a flame on a candle wick as she realized what she stood to lose in a single moment of distraction. Something so simple could ripple through their lives forever.

“What in the actual hell are you doing?” Colten barked. The furious look on his reddening face said he’d seen the entire thing. “Have you two lost your freaking minds? It isn’t going to be the Deads that kill you. It’s going to be some Romeo and Juliet bullshit, isn’t it? Soren, I actually like you. I like you for Kaegan, but I swear to all that is dark in this world, if you turn him, I’m going to slit your freaking throat.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“You know, this wouldn’t be an issue if you’d just take the stupid vaccine,” Adrianna said, doubling back toward them. “Then you two could suck face all you wanted, and nobody would have to die over something so trivial. What’s the holdup?”

Colten and Kaegan shared a significant look, and though Kaegan’s glance looked like a warning, determination slashed through the blue of Colten’s eyes.

“The holdup is, our boy Kaegan here is a breeder.”

The woods dipped to complete silence, and Soren look from face to face with a frown. “A breeder. What does that mean?”

“Good gravy,” Adrianna breathed. “Why?”

Kaegan stared at an overgrown glob of moss on a tree like it held the answers to the universe, and Soren asked again, louder in case they didn’t hear her the first time. “What does that mean?”

Colten sighed and rested his hands on his hips. “He wants kids, Soren. And I don’t mean it’s a dream for his future, I mean, he’s wanted to be a dad since we were fifteen years old.”

“I don’t understand.” Her voice sounded frightened and small.

“Soren,” Kaegan said in a gruff voice. “You worked closely with the vaccine. What is the infertility rate for people who’ve taken it?”

The number brushed her mind. Two numbers that had never meant a thing to her until this moment. Numbers that had become a suspicion when the first human to take the vaccine, Vanessa Daniels, tried for years to conceive and couldn’t. Numbers made more real when the first round of test subjects suddenly couldn’t get pregnant after becoming immune to the Dead virus. “Seventy-six percent chance of infertility,” she whispered. “More if both parties are vaccinated.”

“If I take the shot, our chances of starting a family dwindle to nothing.”

“But, you’re going to war,” Adrianna said, anger lacing her voice. “What does it matter? You’re most likely not coming back from this.”

“And if I do?”

“And if you do,” Adrianna said in a shrill voice, “it still doesn’t matter because Soren won’t have children.”

“What’s she talking about?” he asked, his intense gray eyes freezing her into place.

“Look at me. Take a long hard look and not just as someone who loves me, Kaegan. If you were me, would you risk passing this on to a child? To your child? Would you want your baby to go through what I did? You want a child. I never, ever did. And I never will.”

She felt like she stood in quicksand and everything around her pressed against her. This couldn’t work, and from the destroyed look on Kaegan’s face, he was coming to the same realization.

“We can talk about this,” he said, palms down like he was soothing a wild horse.

“Would talking about this include you trying to convince her to try for one?” Adrianna asked. “Because you weren’t there when we were growing up. You don’t know what it was like for her to come to this decision. You didn’t see the kids taunting her, throwing stones at her as she walked home from school—and she was supposed to be safe in our colony. It was built around her, for chrissakes. Do you know what Dead Run River tried to do when she was born? They wanted to cull her, Kaegan. They wanted to murder a little baby because she was part Dead, and it won’t be any different for her children.”

Kaegan’s eyes stayed wide and steady on Soren. She watched his heart break through those glassy gray windows to his soul. “So I have to choose,” he murmured. “You or a family.”

“No,” she said in a low voice to hide the agony of her words. “I’ll choose for you. This doesn’t work for me anymore, Kaegan.”

“Soren, stop it. Stop it!” he yelled. Red tinted his neck and cheeks as he glared her down. “You don’t get to bail on our first argument.”

“This isn’t an argument,” she said, fighting back burning tears. “Our lives have been on completely different paths from the beginning. I just didn’t see it until now. You want a family so bad you risk your life every day. You chose wrong when it came to me, Kaegan. I can’t give you a family. I won’t. Not now or ever. Compromising means one of us gives up something vital to who they are and we’ll grow to resent each other. You say you’ve accepted what I am, who I am, well this is part of the package. I won’t steal your dreams for my own selfish ends. I can’t do it. I’m not it for you, and someday, a long time from now, when you have a normal woman and a babe clinging to the leg of your pants for one last hug before you go to work, you’ll look back on this moment, right now, and thank me.” She bit back a sob that threatened to bring her to her knees. “You’ll be glad one of us had the foresight to stop our destruction before we drowned in our bad decisions.”

Dashing the back of her hand over the two traitorous tears that streaked her face, she straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin, then stepped around him. The birds in the sky in front of them circled round and round, mirroring her swirling emotions, and she gasped at the pain in her chest. She felt it, harsh and jagged, like some serrated knife was sawing her heart from her torso. It hurt to breathe, to move, to exist, and she squeezed her eyes closed at the onslaught of tears that streamed down her face.

The others followed behind her quietly, and for blessed hours she was allowed to wallow in what ifs and memories of the night before in all of its perfection. She’d let this go too long. Her instincts had been screaming at the danger all along, and she’d ignored them because Kaegan was kind. He was masculine and rugged and caring and gave everything to the people he cared about. He was too good to throw away something he’d so obviously cared about for half a lifetime, all for the sake of love. He’d find someone else who would affect him, and she’d be good enough. His love for a child would overshadow any shortcomings in their relationship.

How had she not seen it before? He was made entirely of fierce loyalty and protective instincts. Someday, he’d make a wonderful father.

The pain inside became unbearable as she thought of him with another woman. Holding hands, touching her. Kissing her.

Of course there wasn’t a happily ever after for her.

She’d been so stupid to think good things could happen to monsters.

Kaegan was falling. He stared at the ground as it passed beneath his feet and wished he could sink and never surface. Why had he kept it from her? Because some instinct told him if she knew he wanted a child, he’d lose her, and now it had happened. Up ahead, he could almost hear her thoughts as she pulled her soul away from his. They had been made of the same matter, but now, hers was turning to stone and his was disappearing altogether.

Did she know she’d wrecked him? This mythical woman she spoke of him meeting and starting a family with didn’t have a chance at comparing to her. He’d have to settle to get what he’d dreamed about, and even then, it would only be a shell of what he’d imagined growing up.

He’d grown up fatherless, and his mother was sad and didn’t know how to care for a kid. He’d sworn to do it differently and make a child feel loved and safe. And when he’d stumbled out of the woods after Mom died and into the Carson City colony, Mr. McTavish, Colten’s dad, had taken him in and treated him like his own get. He’d taught him how to be a man and how to take care of his own, and he thought,
someday I’m going to be this kind of dad to my kid
.

On dark days, and there were always plenty in a nomadic lifestyle, fatherhood was what he’d envisioned when he needed to escape. What his child would look like. Holding his son, or naming his daughter. It had been a part of him for so long, he didn’t know how to be different.

Adrianna, Colten, and Lauren plodded on in front of him, quiet and somber, and he wanted to scream to fill the silence. It wasn’t fair for him to find her, and then lose her like this. Not after what they’d been through.

The first drops of rain pattered against his face, and he stopped and held his arms out. Perfect. Stretching his face to the storm clouds, he let the water pelt against his skin. At least the stinging of the rain meant he still felt something, and right now, that seemed vital.

Kaegan knocked at the giant iron door and stood back, waiting.

Soren stretched her neck to look down the length of the chain link fence nervously. The station was fenced in for loading, but the noise would attract the horde. They’d waited until the train trilled and pulled the bulk of the Deads’ attention before they’d sprinted from the woods like their tailbones had been lit on fire.

“Come on,” Colten muttered, glancing behind them and hopping from one foot to another.

Kaegan knocked again, harder this time, and the door echoed under his pounding fist.