Love Struck (12 page)

“Come in.” I pull her inside and close the door. Tilting my head, I lean in close to her face.

“You want you
r fix now, huh?” She raises her brows.

I laugh. “You know it.”

She laughs too, but I still see traces of sadness in her eyes. Something has changed about her during her trip home this time. I just hope my love is enough to fix it.

We’re out celebrating the fact that Lola finished her first semester of college, and I’m entering my last semester of college. The latter is a little bittersweet for me. I take Lola to one of my favorite pubs and we both order a massive plate of fish and chips.

Lola bites into hers and lets out a little moan that causes my skin to prickle. When she sets down the battered fish, she wipes her hand on the napkin
in her lap. “You know, this is where Star and I went to eat the night you first asked me out.”

“Really?”
I raise an eyebrow, wiping my napkin across my greasy lips. Plates clang from inside the kitchen next to us, and a guy chuckles loudly from the booth behind us.

“Yeah.
While we were walking back to the car Star heard Beckett singing and so she begged me to go inside the club to listen.”

“So, it’s Star that I should thank for that night, huh?”

Lola picks up a french fry and dips it in ketchup. “Oh, I think we would’ve ended up dating regardless.”

This little admission surprises me. “Do you believe in fate
?”

“No.” She laughs like it’s the most absurd thing in the world, which is what I expected. I would’ve been more shocked if she had said she did. Lola is practical to a fault.

“Then how can you be so sure that we would’ve ended up dating if not for fate?”

She chews and then
swallows, her forehead a mess of squiggly lines as if in deep thought. “I don’t know. I guess I just figure that it’s the way things were supposed to happen. I mean, look at Star and Beckett. I think she was always supposed to end up in your band, so it stands to reason that we would’ve seen each other again after the first night we met.”

“So…like fate,” I prod.
A couple walks past our table, their fingers intertwined. His overpowering cologne lingers long after they’re gone.

She huffs. “Okay, so maybe it does sound like fate. Not that I believe in that exactly, but it does sort of seem like everything worked out the way it should.”

“Yes, it does.” I smile, satisfied that her little admission means I’m getting somewhere with her. Her views are starting to change, even if it’s a little like pulling teeth to get her to admit it.

“Oh, God, I’m so stuffed.” Lola pushes her plate away and rubs her belly. “I can’t believe I finished that whole plate.” She grimaces.

I laugh. “It doesn’t matter how much you eat. You always look incredible.”

She smiles, but something about it looks forced and so unlike her usual smiles. Before I can ask her what’s up, she stands. “Excuse me just a minute.
Gotta use the little girl’s room.” She winks before scurrying off.

I take a sip from my soda and glance around the loud pub. After several minutes Lola still hasn’t returned, so I wave the waiter down and get our check. Uneasiness settles into my stomach when I think back on the last few times we’ve eaten together. Every time she’s headed to the bathroom and been gone longer than usual. I tell myself that it means nothing and that I’m just being paranoid. She’s a girl, right? She’s probably just fixing her makeup or hair or something.
Yes, that’s gotta be it.
Lola is pretty high maintenance. Beckett jokes with me about it all the time. I have finished paying and our table has been cleared by the time Lola returns. Her face is a little flushed.

“Everything okay?”
I ask.

“ Yeah
, fine.” Her voice is tight, her hands quiver slightly.

I glance up at her face, noticing that her lipstick is smudged, her hair a little mussed. So clearly she wasn’t primping. A nagging suspicion takes root in my stomach as I stand up and take her hand in mine.

17

Lola

I survived the fall
semester of school, and now I’m a month into the winter semester. Things are going well with Ryker and me. Although I’m not sure they’re going as well as the relationship between Beckett and Star. Those two are head over heels in love and hardly spend two minutes apart. Not to mention the fact that they’ve said the dreaded three words. The ones I can’t say for some reason. The truth is that I do think I love Ryker, but thinking it and saying it are two different things. I’ve never told a boy I’ve loved him. Then again, I’ve never actually loved a boy before.
But still
. Something about saying those words scares me to death.

Besides,
Ryker doesn’t really know everything about me. He doesn’t know about my little coping mechanism. He doesn’t know what I do when I feel like I’m losing control. If he did he would realize that I’m not who he thinks I am. I’m not the fun-loving, easy-going Lola he’s fallen for. I am a control freak with a horrible, disgusting habit.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Star pulls me out of my inner self-loathing.

I look up from the textbook lying open in my lap. “I’m just studying,” I lie.

“Oh.” Star eyes me curiously. “You looked like you were upset about something.”

“Yeah, I’m upset that I have to study history instead of going out with Ryker tonight,” I say with a light laugh.

Star smiles.
I’m satisfied that I’ve appeased her. That’s the one good thing about Star being all into Beckett. She hasn’t noticed all the signs that she used to watch for. When my bulimia was first discovered during junior year of high school, it was Star who went on high alert. She seemed more worried about me than my parents were. I guess it makes sense, since I took Star under my wing freshman year and I’d always been the one to take care of her. Junior year was her chance to return the favor. But now she’s so wrapped up in her own life, her own relationship. She walks around with her head in the clouds all the time. I’m grateful. I don’t need her to catch on. I can handle my problem on my own.

“Well, I’m headed out.”

“With Beckett?” I drop my pen and it skitters across the words typed in the text book.

Her cheeks flush. “I’m going to ask him if he wants to come home with me for the long weekend we have in February.”

I slide the textbook from my lap. The indentations are embedded in the flesh on my thighs. “What? Are you serious?”

She bites her lip, a few strands of her dark hair slipping over her shoulder. She’s dressed in her typical jeans and loose fitting top.
“Yeah. You should invite Ryker too.”

“No way.”
I shake my head vehemently.

“Why not?
You guys have been going out for a long time.” Star makes her way over to me and perches on the edge of my bed.

I tuck my legs in close, my fuzzy socks brushing against my thick comforter. Since I’m in for the night I’m wearing my yoga pants and a long sleeved shirt. “I don’t want to subject
Ryker to my family.”

Star chuckles. “It is a
freakshow, that’s for sure.”

“Gee, thanks.” I playfully punch her in the shoulder.

“But wouldn’t it be easier to endure if you had Ryker with you? I mean, then you won’t have to put up with them all by yourself.” She winks at me. “You always liked it when I came over. You said it got them off your back a little.”

She’s right. I used to beg her to come over when we were in high school like every day.
“Yeah. Only you hated coming over.”

“True, but
Ryker would be fine with it. I’m sure.”

“No. I can’t do it.”

“What’s really going on here, Lola?” Star fixes me with a knowing stare.

I pull the bottom of my sleeve down and fidget with it, rolling the fabric in my fingers. “Star, you know how my parents are. They aren’t exactly excited about the idea of me dating a musician.”

“I know they want you to date some doctor or lawyer or something, but it’s your life, Lola. You need to put your foot down with them. You’re an adult now.”

“It’s just not that easy.”

“It is when you’re telling me what to do.” Star huffs.

“That’s different.” I poke her in the ribs. “Besides, you need me to mother you. If not for me you’d live in complete filth.”

Star chuckles. “Fair enough.” Then her face grows serious and she puts her hand over mine. “Hey, just remember what happened last time you kept everything inside.”

Guiltily I think about
just an hour earlier when I was hunched over the toilet seat, puking up my lunch. But that’s not what she’s talking about. She doesn’t know about that, I remind myself. She’s referring to junior year.

“Yeah, I know.” I lower my gaze, staring hard at my red nails. I think about how much
Ryker loves this color and my heart involuntarily skips a beat.
If only I could do what Star is suggesting.

“Just think about it, okay?” Star says.

“Since when did you become the wise one?” I tease her.

“When I stopped letting you boss me around,” she banters back.

“Oh, come on. You just admitted that it’s helpful,” I say in mock indignation.

“Yes, your
control freak tendencies are very helpful.” Star stands, a smile playing on her lips.

“Let me know how it goes with Beckett,” I say
, as she picks her purse off of her bed.

“I will.” She flings the purse over her shoulder and the strap tangles in her hair. As she frees the trapped strands, she glances over at me. “I hope he says yes. It will be so much fun to show him around our home town. Think about what I said. It would be a blast if
Ryker could come too.”

My stomach knots when she heads out of the dorm room. I try to imagine
Ryker in my house, in my hometown, walking the familiar streets or eating at the restaurants I’ve eaten at my whole life. It would be amazing to share that with him. As close as we are, sometimes it’s hard to imagine us ever getting any closer. But I know this would cement us together even more. However, I just can’t do it.

I like how
Ryker is separate from my old life. I like how he represents my future, not my past. But most of all, I can’t stand the thought of my parents meeting him and then rejecting him. It’s one thing for them to disapprove of the idea of him. I can just keep telling myself it’s because they don’t know him. But what about when they do meet him? I’m just not sure I can handle their disappointment then. And no matter what they think, I’m not ready to let him go just yet. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if I ever will be.

18

Ryker

“Hey, Star.” Practice just ended, and I approach Star while she turns off her keyboard.

She looks up at me, pushing her hair from her face. “Hey, Ryker. What’s up?”

I glance around to make sure no one else is listening. Beckett is fiddling with his amp, and Pierce and Jimmy are laughing about something in the corner. “I want to talk to you about Lola.”

Star’s eyebrows shoot up. “Why? Is something wrong?”

I pause, wondering if this is a good idea. Perhaps I shouldn’t talk to Star about this. Then I notice the pinched look on Star’s face. She loves Lola, and they’ve been friends a long time. I’m reminded of the conversations we’ve had about Lola’s family. It’s clear that Star has been more of a sister to Lola than her own. And Star has always been there for Lola in ways that her family never was. If anyone can help me with this, it’s Star.

“I don’t know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.” I run a hand over my head, my gaze once again shifting around the garage. Beckett is unhooking the chords to his guitar and wrapping them around his arm, while the other guys are packing up their things. The loud clanging of instruments and cases reverberates through the room. “Ever since Lola came back from Christmas vacation she’s been acting kind of strange.”

“Oh. Yeah, her relationship with her parents is kind of complicated.” She narrows her eyes. “I thought she told you about that.”

“She did.” I scratch the back of my neck nervously. “It’s not that.” I mull over how I’ll say what I need to. If only I was good with words like Beckett. It’s always amazed me the way he can articulate his feelings through the lyrics in his songs. “This is going to sound weird, but I just have to ask it. Has Lola ever had an eating disorder?”

Star’s eyes widen, and in this moment I know that what I suspect is true. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because lately anytime we go to dinner together she races to the bathroom afterward, and when I joke with her about it she acts funny; offended, I guess.”

Star slumps in her seat, her hands dropping into her lap. “I can’t believe I missed the signs. Now that you mention it I’ve noticed it too. I guess I was just so preoccupied.” Her gaze flickers to Beckett, and I see shame color her cheeks.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up about it. She’s been pretty discreet about it. And you and I both know how guarded Lola is.”

Star peers up at me through her dark fringe. “Lola has bulimia. She has since the time she was sixteen. But she had a handle on it before we came here. I think all the pressure her parents put on her during the holidays might have caused her to do it again.”

My heart breaks for Lola. Even though I suspected it, I still have a hard time coming to grips with it. I mean, how could someone so beautiful and vibrant have this kind of issue? How could she be unhappy with how she looks? It just doesn’t make any sense.

Star places a hand on my arm. “Hey, I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing when I first found out. Lola’s skinny
, so why does she have this problem?”

I shake her arm off, a little freaked out that she knew what I was thinking. “Is this when you tell me you can read minds or something?”

Star smiles. “No. I wish. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to get Beckett to open up to me.” Her eyes land on him again, and then return to me. “But with Lola it’s not all about her looks. It’s more about control, I think.”

I nod, her words washing over me. “That would definitely make sense.”

“Control is an important thing to Lola, and when things seem out of control she has to find something she can control.” Star shrugs. “It’s part of the reason I don’t get all hung up on her need to mother me. I figure that’s safer than what she used to do.” Her face blanches. “I can’t believe it’s happening again. I feel so bad.”

“Thanks, Star. I appreciate you telling me all this.”

“Hey, what’s going on?”  Beckett sidles up to Star. “You’re not trying to steal my girl, are you?” His arm snakes around Star’s waist.

“Nah, I think I’ll stick with the one I have.”

“Good choice.” Beckett’s mouth curves into a devilish
grin. “This girl is already taken by the hottest guy in Seattle.”

“Glad to see your ego is still intact,” I joke.

Star just rolls her eyes. Beckett swiftly kisses her on the cheek. “You know you love it, baby,” he croons.

“Alright.
I’ll see you guys this weekend,” I say, spinning around to give them privacy.

Star stops me. “Are you going to talk to Lola or should I?”

“No. I’ll deal with it.”

“Okay.” Star nods. “Good luck.”

I know I have to tread lightly when it comes to this subject. The worst thing to do would be to just spring it on her, or put her on the defensive. So, I have her over to my apartment while Pierce is at work. Mom walks me through how to make her chicken enchiladas over the phone, and they turn out perfect. My plan is to bring it up sometime over dinner.

But Lola is in flirty
banter mode, and I can’t find a good time to bring it up. Then the minute she finishes eating she disappears into the bathroom.

I know what she’s doing, and it kills me.
Standing up from the table, I inch my way forward. When I reach the bathroom, I stand outside the door with my hand hovering over the knob. Our lock doesn’t work. Pierce busted it a few weeks after we moved in. He was trying to show off how strong he was. Sometimes Pierce can be a real idiot.

But I can’t
really just bust in there and infringe on her privacy, can I? Knowing my answer, I lower my hand, dropping it to my side. I start to turn away when I hear a gag and muffled retching. The sound tears through my heart like someone has stuck a knife in my body and is twisting. I can’t let her do this to herself. I care about her too much.

She needs my help.

Without dwelling on it any further, I reach out, turn the knob and thrust the door open. Lola kneels on the ground, looking like a person on their knees in prayer. Except this isn’t a church, and her body is curved over the toilet, her hair falling like a curtain over her face. Her head snaps up and her eyes widen. There is a sheen of sweat over her brow.

“What are you doing in here?”
Reaching out she quickly flushes the toilet. It rings out in the tiny bathroom, loud like an accusation.

I drop to the ground next to her, and snatch up her hands
, weaving them through mine.  “Lola, I know what you’re doing.”

She yanks her arms out of my grasp and scoots away from me, bumping into the wall. “You have no right to come in here like this.”

“I care about you. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

“I-I-I’m just not feeling well. That’s all.”

I grab her by the shoulders. “Lola, that’s not what’s going on. You and I both know that.”

“
Ryker.” Her eyes drop to the floor and her lips tremble, but I can see her shutting down.

“Talk to me, Lola. Don’t shut
me out.” I lift her chin, forcing her to look at me.

“I can’t.” She shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears. It’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen her
, and it kills me. It stirs something inside me that I’ve never felt before.

“I can’t stand knowing that you’re hurting, beautiful.” I play with the hair around her face, tangling it in my fingers. Her eyelids flutter, the fight inside withering a bit, I can tell. “I know what you’re doing. I’ve suspected it for awhile
, and I just want to help you. Let me help you, Lola.”

She wrings her hands in her lap until they turn red. “I can’t. This is all too much.” Her gaze shoots frantically around like she’s
trapped and planning her escape.

I sweep my finger up her cheek. “
What’s all too much?”

“All of this.
Just everything.” She runs a hand through her hair, a groan escaping through her lips. “My parents are putting a lot of pressure on me, and school is tough, and then there’s you…” she lets the words linger in the air like a question.

“What about me?” I palm her cheek. “I hope you don’t feel any pressure from me. I never want to make you feel this way. I never want to be the reason you do this.”

“God, Ryker, could you be any more perfect?” Her smile is sad.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Yes, it is, actually.” Her smile disappears, replaced by regret. “Because I just don’t know where this is going.”

“That’s up to you, beautiful,” I tell her honestly, circling the pad of my thumb over her cheek.

“If only it were that simple,” she whispers.

“It is that simple, Lola. At least it is for me. It has been from the moment I realized that I’m hopelessly in love with you,” I say before I can think better of it and stop myself.

When Lola’s mouth drops open and her eyes widen, I wish I could backtrack. “What did you just say?”

There’s really no getting out of this now. I can’t take back the words now that they’ve already left my mouth. Instead, I lean forward pinning her with an intense look. “I said that I’m hopelessly in love with you, Lola.”

She leans her cheek into my hand. “Even now? Even after what you walked in on?”

“Even now,” I say firmly.

“Ryker?” She peers up at me hesitantly.

“Yes, beautiful?”

“I think I’m in love with you too.” She shakes her head. “No, that’s not true. I know that I’m in love with you.”

“
C’mere.” I slide my hand from her face and open my arms. She collapses against me like she’s coming unraveled. Her body trembles against me, her hands grasp my shirt like she’s drowning and I’m her last link to the land.

“Ever
yone thinks I’m so strong, but the truth is that I’m a mess. A freaking mess.”

I stroke her hair with my hand. “It’s okay.
I don’t expect you to be perfect. You don’t have to have it all together for me.” I kiss the crown of her head.

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You don’t have to do this alone. I’ll help you, because I don’t plan on going anywhere.” I guide her face upward. Then I gently trail kisses up her chin, across her cheek and then gently sweep my lips over her mouth.

“What are you doing?” Lola pulls back. “You don’t want to kiss me right now. Trust me.”

I press my lips to her forehead. “I was just erasing your bad memories.”

Lola bites her lip. “I wish that were possible.”

“It is, Lola. Trust me. It is.”