Love Thy Neighbor (18 page)

He stood there, silent. She could sense that he was trying to say something but couldn’t find the words. It didn’t matter anymore. She was too upset and couldn’t look at his handsome face for another second. She went back inside and slammed the door on him before she broke into tears.

She flung herself on her couch and cried into the pillows until she could hardly breathe. After another hour of gut-wrenching sobs, she finally reached for the envelope and pulled out Dallas’s letter. Her hands shook and as she opened it up. A key fell out and landed on the floor at her feet. She didn’t bother to pick it up.

Dear Nikki,

I saw that Matthew came by your place after I left you the other day. I realize he’s come back for you, as we both knew he would. I know that’s what you’ve wanted all along. You’ve made it clear to me that you still love him, and I don’t want to complicate matters and stand in the way of your happiness. So I’ve decided to head out on the photography expedition after all. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and suddenly the timing seems right.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I suspect you’ll have plenty of time to do whatever you need to do at my place before I get back in town. Here’s a spare key to my loft so you can come and go as you please. I left a check for the balance of what I owe you. You’ll find it on the desk in my office. If there are additional expenses, let me know and I’ll square away with you when I get back. I know we didn’t finalize all the colors and details but I trust your tastes, so go work your magic

And my dear, sweet Nikki Norris, just know that the past few weeks have meant more to me than you can ever imagine. Matthew is a lucky man. I hope he knows that, and I hope you find your happiness with him again. I’ll always wonder what might have been with us, had the circumstances been different. There’s a special place in my heart for you.

Dallas

Oh no.
Oh shit, no.
Nikki began crying all over again; her heart went into a panic. Dallas thought she was back together with Matthew. How could he possibly think she’d go back to Matthew after what the two of them shared—especially their last night together?

She knew it was too late—he’d been leaving for the airport when she saw him in the hall, but she had to try. Still in her boxer shorts and a tank top, she tore across the hallway and knocked once, twice, then three times before she tried the spare key.

“Dallas?” she called out, running to the bottom of his spiral stairs. “Dallas?
DALLAS
!”

It was no use. His camera equipment was all gone, and so was he. She sat down on the last step of the spiral staircase and started to cry, big, deep, sobbing gasps. How could she have missed this chance with him? She wept until her head was clogged and she couldn’t bear the sight of his empty loft another second.

Forcing herself up on shaky legs, she left his place, and when she walked across the way to her apartment, she saw Matthew’s umbrella was slouched against the wall. He must have forgotten it when he left. It was a stupid umbrella and she couldn’t stand the sight of that, either. She picked it up and walked it down to end of the hall and stuffed it, beak and all, into the trash chute. She didn’t want to have a reason to call Matthew, or give him a reason to come back and rub more salt in the wound.

Dallas had gotten it so wrong, and now it was too late to let him know. Matthew hadn’t come over that day to patch up their relationship. Far from it.

Matthew sat on her couch, raindrops dripping off the sleeves of his coat and onto her antique rug.

“I want you to know that I still love you, Nikki. I realized the other day that I really never stopped loving you.”

Nikki hesitated. At that point her heart was already with Dallas. And here was Matthew, doing exactly what Dallas had predicted, groveling for her to take him back. She couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if she had somehow engineered all this, manipulating Matthew’s emotions through nothing more than a game of jealousy.

She looked at him and bit down on her lip. “I don’t know what to say, Matthew. A lot of time has—”

“Let me finish,” he said, holding up his hand before dragging it back through his damp hair. “Sorry.” He sighed. “I didn’t think it would be so hard to tell you this.”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Timing. Didn’t everything in love come down to timing? And if that was the case, what kind of cruel trick in time was this?

“I guess deep down my feelings for you never changed. It was me. I wasn’t sure I was ready to be your husband. I was just getting my career where I wanted it, and it felt like everything was happening too fast. And well”—he shrugged—“I screwed up. I screwed everything up.”

She felt a heaviness in her chest. Clichéd as it was, this was too little, too late.

“I messed up everything with you,” he said. “And now I screwed everything up with her, too.”

Her. He couldn’t even say Blondie’s name. “What do you mean? What did you screw up with her?”

Matthew looked up at her, keeping his shoulders rounded. For a long time he didn’t say anything, and when Nikki asked again, he finally blurted out, “She’s pregnant, Nikki. She’s pregnant and yes, it’s mine.”

“Oh.” She felt a rush of emotions hitting her all at once. If this had happened a month ago, it would have flattened her out. But now, after spending time with Dallas and learning what it meant to be truly fulfilled, Matthew’s news was a detached bit of misfortune.

“You don’t seem very happy about this,” she said.

“How can I be happy about it? I’m not ready to have a baby. Not with her. I never planned on things working out this way. This changes everything. Everything.”

“So what are you going to do?” She was more curious than vested in his decision.

“She wants to keep it.”

Nikki nodded, still trying to process it all. “I guess there’s no easy answer to something like this, is there?” She started to feel sorry for him even though he’d gotten himself trapped. She was about to say something like, if there’s anything I can do… But before she could get that out, Matthew did an about-face.

He cleared his throat and said, “We’re moving in together. And if things work out, we’ll get married.”

She gasped. That one stung, but it was her pride that was wounded more than her heart. “I see.”

He looked at her again. “Are you okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I am okay. Really I am.” And she was. She’d already lost so much time being angry with him and hurt by him. She was ready to move on and in that moment Nikki still hoped there was a chance for her and Dallas.

“Good luck with her, Matthew. I mean it. Really I do.”

His eyes glazed over and for the first time in the five years she’d known him, it looked as though he was going to cry.

When the moment passed, he cleared his throat again and looked over at her. “So what about you?” he asked.

“What about me?”

“You know. You and that guy?” He gestured across the hall with a head jerk.

Now it was Nikki who was on the verge of tears. She was certain that she was falling in love with Dallas, and if Jenna was right and he was just scared, she prayed that he’d find his way back to her soon. Such a short distance stood between them, only a few feet across the hall, and yet she feared that for Dallas it would be a long, long walk.

She choked back the tears, and after Matthew and she had said everything that two people in their situation could say to each other, it was time for him to go.

He stood up and gave her a hug, a long, desperate hug that felt completely platonic, like the hug you’d give a brother or sister. That was it. He was gone for good.

And now Dallas was gone, too. She picked up his letter and read it again as fresh tears clouded her eyes. No forwarding address. No point of return. He was just gone.

Chapter Eighteen

T
HREE MONTHS LATER

Dallas was heading back the same way he came. Because there were no commercial flights out of Antarctica, he and the rest of the guys chartered a rinky-dink prop plane that would take them as far as Auckland. Dallas wasn’t a fan of prop planes, but it was that or take a freighter back to New Zealand. From there they’d board an international flight to Los Angeles, and from LAX he’d finally make it back to Chicago. Factoring in the nineteen-hour time difference, he was leaving McMurdo on the afternoon of Saturday, October 15, and he’d be back home on the morning of Friday, October 13. He’d been to the bottom of the earth and now he was traveling backward in time. That’s what happened when you crossed the international date line.

He looked out the window as the little plane taxied down the runway at McMurdo. Taking one final look at the ice shelf, he sighed and fingered his beard. It had been three months since he’d shaved, and honestly he looked forward to getting back to civilization, cutting the grizzly thing off. He glanced over at Conrad and the other guys, settling in for the flight. None of them had shaved, either. It was like they’d all been on a three-month fishing trip. What a scary-looking lot they were.

Once they were airborne, Dallas settled into his seat and closed his eyes. His mind drifted back three months earlier, to the start of his trip. He remembered the unexpected, lengthy layover in L.A. due to weather. He’d been content to hole up in the airport bar with the others, but his brother called and for whatever reason, that time he decided to pick up.

After an awkward few minutes, his brother got to the point. “So I was going through some of Mom’s old things and I came across something that I think would be of interest to you.”

“No, thanks. I’ve got no interest in anything that has to do with her.”

“Trust me, you’re going to want to see this.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “What is it?”

“It’s her journal. I never even knew she kept one. And Troy”—he paused for a moment—“it’s all about you.”

“Me?” He felt a strange squeezing in his chest.

“I know you thought she didn’t care about you, but it’s not true. It’s all here, and I want to give it to you so you can see for yourself. I think it would do you a lot of good to read this.”

Dallas sighed. He’d spent his adult life trying to run away from all this. He wanted to forget about his mother, forget about how much she had screwed him up, screwed up every relationship he’d ever attempted—how she had screwed up his relationship with Nikki. If it weren’t for his mother’s abandoning him, he wouldn’t have been terrified to let himself open his heart to someone. He wouldn’t be in fear that every woman he loved would up and leave him. If it hadn’t been for his mother, Dallas knew he would have been a relationship guy. And he would have made that clear to Nikki from the very beginning.

“Mom never stopped loving you, Troy.” Cliff’s words broke into his thoughts. “It’s all here in her own handwriting.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment. The thought of dealing with anything having to do with his mother only brought back memories of pain and anger.

“Believe me, I wouldn’t be bothering you with this if I didn’t think it was important to you.”

“Well,” Dallas said, “it’s going to have to wait for about three months. I’m about to board a plane headed for Antarctica…”

Cliff asked a few more questions, and when Dallas said he was at LAX, Cliff told him not to move. He was on his way.

Dallas would have recognized his kid brother from a mile away. The same dark brown hair, the eyes, the chiseled jaw and tall, fit build—there was no mistaking that they were brothers.

Cliff stood there with an old tattered leather journal in his hand.
Dallas had to swallow past the lump in his throat when Cliff handed it off to him.

Dallas looked at the departure board and glanced at his watch. “I better get going. But thanks for rushing down here to bring me this.” He gestured to the journal in his hand.

They exchanged a few more words and Dallas surprised himself by reaching over and giving his kid brother a hug. “Thanks again, man,” he said, his voice nearly cracking.

They both promised to be better about keeping in touch before Dallas turned and headed for his gate.

With the long flight ahead of him, he had plenty of time to read. As he flipped through the yellowing pages of his mother’s journal, he saw that nearly every entry mentioned him. One in particular stayed stuck in his mind:

I wish I knew that I’m doing the right thing. I was in such a panic when I left. I was scared that if I stayed one more minute that bastard would kill me. I had to get out of that house. I just don’t have the means right now to support both boys. Troy’s older and he can take care of himself. I figure he can handle his father for a few weeks while I figure out how to make ends meet. Cliff’s too young—he needs me more than Troy does. God forgive me, but I couldn’t even bring myself to say good-bye to Troy. I couldn’t look into his eyes because I knew he’d never understand…

It was clear that she’d had every intention of coming back for him, only his father moved right after she’d left and his mother couldn’t find him.

All the letters and cards I’ve sent to Troy have come back. Address unknown. I’m so afraid that he hates me. My heart breaks each time I think of him. I have to find him. I just have to…

He had closed the journal and then closed his eyes. It had never occurred to him that his mother was too young, too overwhelmed, and in such an abusive marriage that she had to leave. She’d made a snap decision that she would end up regretting the rest of her life. It was a bittersweet realization. If only he’d known this when she finally found him…