Love Virtually
DANIEL GLATTAUER
Translated from the German by
Katharina Bielenberg and Jamie Bulloch
An Imprint of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc. (New York)
and Quercus Publishing Plc (London)
387 Park Avenue South
New York, NY 10016
SILVEROAK is a trademark of Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1
Originally published in German as
Gut gegen Nordwind
; English translation
published in Great Britain by Maclehose Press, an imprint of Quercus, London,
in 2011. Published by arrangement with Quercus Publishing PLC (UK).
First US edition published in 2011 by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
© 2006 by Deuticke im Paul Zsolnay Verlag Wien
English translation © 2010 by Katharina Bielenberg and Jamie Bulloch
Distributed in Canada by Sterling Publishing
c
/
o
Canadian Manda Group, 165 Dufferin Street
Toronto, Ontario, Canada M6K 3H6
Manufactured in the United States of America
All rights reserved
Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-8674-7 (trade paperback)
978-1-4027-8877-2 (ebook)
Sterling ISBN13: 978-1-4027-8877-2
For information about custom editions, special sales, premium and
corporate purchases, please contact Sterling Special Sales
Department at 800-805-5489 or [email protected].
Contents
January 15
Subject: Canceling my subscription
I would like to cancel my subscription. Can I do so by email?
Best wishes,
E. Rothner
Eighteen days later
Subject: Canceling my subscription
I want to cancel my subscription. Is that possible by email? I look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes,
E. Rothner
Thirty-three days later
Subject: Canceling my subscription
Dear Sir/Madam at
Like
magazine,
Are you deliberately ignoring my attempts to cancel my subscription? If you're trying to offload more copies of your rag, which, let's face it, is gradually going down the tubes, I regret to inform you that I'm not going to pay another penny!
Best wishes,
E. Rothner
Eight minutes later
Re: Canceling my subscription
You've sent your message to the wrong address. This is a private one: [email protected]. You want [email protected]. You're the third person who's sent me an email trying to cancel their subscription. It must be a really shocking magazine.
Five minutes later
Re: Canceling my subscription
Oh, really sorry! And thanks for putting me right.
Best,
E.R.
Nine months later
Subject: (no subject)
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Emmi Rothner
Two minutes later
Re:
Dear Emmi Rothner,
We don't know each other in the slightest but I'd like to thank you for your warm and highly original round-robin email! One thing you should know: I just adore round-robin emails.
Rgds,
Leo Leike
Eighteen minutes later
Re:
Excuse the written imposition, Mr. Rgds Leike. You seem to have slipped into my contacts list by accidentâa few months ago I was trying to cancel a subscription and inadvertently got hold of your email address. I'll delete you right away.
P.S. If you can think of a more original way of wishing people a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year than “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,” please do share it with me. Until then: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! E.
Rothner
Six minutes later
Re:
I wish you a pleasant Christmas break and trust the forthcoming year will rank as one of your top eighty. And if, in the meantime, you subscribe to some bad times, please do not hesitate to contact meâin errorâto cancel them.
Leo Leike
Three minutes later
Re:
I'm impressed!
Best,
E.R.
Thirty-eight days later
Subject: Not a penny more!
Dear Management of
Like
,
I have endeavored to part company with your magazine three times in writing and twice by telephone (I spoke to a lady called Ms. Hahn). If you insist on sending it to me, I'll have to assume it's for your personal entertainment. I'd be happy to keep your enclosed bill as a souvenir so that I can continue to remember
Like
when you finally stop shipping me your latest issues. But please don't imagine for a moment that I have any intention of paying it.
Yours faithfully,
E. Rothner
Two hours later
Re: Not a penny more!
Dear Ms. Rothner, Are you doing this on purpose? Or have you taken delivery of some bad days?
Rgds,
Leo Leike
Fifteen minutes later
Re: Not a penny more!
Dear Mr. Leike,
Now I'm seriously embarrassed. Unfortunately I have this chronic “ei” problem, or rather an “e” before “i” problem. If I'm typing quickly, and I'm trying to type “i,” somehow I always manage to slip in an “e” before it. It's as if the tips of my two middle fingers are fighting over the keys. The left one is always trying to be that much quicker than the right. You see, I was born left-handed and forced to write with my right at school. My left hand hasn't forgiven me to this day. It keeps tapping out an “e” with the middle finger before the right hand can type an “i.” I'm so sorry to have bothered youâit (probably) won't happen again. Have a nice evening.
E. Rothner
Four minutes later
Re: Not a penny more!
Dear Ms. Rothner,
May I ask you a question? And here's a second one: How long did it take you to write your email outlining your “ei” problem?
Best wishes,
Leo Leike
Three minutes later
Re: Not a penny more!
Two questions for you: How long do you think? And why are you asking?
E.R.
Eight minutes later
Re: Not a penny more!
I'm guessing it took you no more than twenty seconds. And I'd like to congratulate you on having produced a brilliant message in such a short period of time. It put a smile on my face. And that's something that no one else will do this evening. As to your second question: I'm currently involved in a project on the language of emails. So now I'll ask you againâam I right in thinking it took you no longer than twenty seconds?
Three minutes later
Re: Not a penny more!
Ah, so you work professionally with emails. Sounds fascinating, although now I feel a bit like a guinea pig. Oh well, who cares. Do you by any chance have a website? If you don't, would you like one? If you do, would you like a better one? That's my job, designing websites. (So far this has only taken me ten secondsâI've been timing it, but then again it was a work conversation, and they're always much snappier.)
I'm afraid you were completely wrong about my utterly banal “e” before “i” email. It must have robbed me of at least three minutes of my life. I wonder what the point of it was? Now I've got a question for you: Why did you assume that my “e” before “i” email took only twenty seconds? And before I leave you in peace once and for all (unless those guys at
Like
send me another bill), there's one more thing I'd like to know. You wrote above: “May I ask you a question? And here's a second one: How long did it take you, etc . . . ?” I've got two questions in return. First, how long did it take you to think of the joke? Second, is that what you call funny?
E.R.
An hour and a half later
Re: Not a penny more!
Dear unknown Ms. Rothner, I'll answer you tomorrow. I'm going to turn off my computer now.
Good evening, good night, whatever.
Leo Leike
Four days later
Subject: Open questions
Dear Ms. Rothner,
Please excuse me for not having replied earlier, but my life is somewhat chaotic at the moment. You wanted to know why I wrongly assumed it had taken you no longer than twenty seconds to tell me about your “ei” mistake. Well, your emails seem to “gush,” if I may be allowed to make this observation. I could have sworn that you were a fast talker and typist, a bubbly individual who cannot go about her daily business quickly enough. When I read your emails I can't detect any pauses. Both their tone and tempo seem to be bursting with energyâbreathless, zippy, even a touch excited. Your written style is not that of somebody with low blood pressure. I imagine that your spontaneous thoughts flow into your emails unchecked. And then your language shows confidence; you have a skillful and deliberate way with words. But if you're telling me that it took you more than three minutes to write your “ei”-mail, then I must have painted a false picture of you.
