Love/Fate (14 page)

Jada was returned to prison, and she suffered every minute. She wrote Jamari a letter, asking his forgiveness and begging him to at least let her just have a picture of Sheldon, or something. He never even wrote her back. Edna wrote to Jada, though. She wrote to her to ask if she could come and visit her. She sent her Ava's address and phone number. Edna was extending an olive branch to her child. She offered to let Jada call her collect any time she wanted. But Jada just shut down. She didn't write back or call, because she felt like her whole life had been taken away from her. In all, Edna wrote Jada three letters during her incarceration. But Jada answered none of them. She wanted to be left alone. Instead of answering her family's letters, Jada wrote in her journal. She wrote down every emotion, every hurt and pain. In her diary there were dozens of lines of sadness and longing. She filled up several notebooks this way, writing night after night about her pain and anguish. Writing about her guilt. Jada wanted to disappear. She felt like giving up.

But then Sunny saved the day.

 

February 2000

 

Sunny sat anxiously, waiting for Jada to make her way over to her at the visiting table. She hugged her, and they sat down, and Jada could tell that her friend was eager. She had something she was itching to share with her. Without a word, Sunny passed Jada the pictures. Jada's heart skipped a beat. Pictures of Sheldon in the park with his father were what Sunny had brought to her. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at her six-month-old son for the first time. He looked like a replica of Jada, only male and chubby. She smiled and wanted to kiss Sunny. “How did you get these?”

Sunny smiled broadly, thrilled that she could be of help to her friend. “You know I got ways, girl. I got somebody to find out where Jamari takes him to play, takes him to day care, and shit like that. I just want to keep my eye on him, in case the nigga tries to leave town and disappear, or some dumb shit like that. I also want to see if I can catch him in some bullshit that might persuade the judge to see him in a different light. Just keep these pictures in the meantime, so you can see how adorable little Sheldon is.”

Jada smiled, and stared at the pictures once more. Her heart overflowed.

“Jada, you
have
to use him as your reason to get clean. When you get out of here, you need to go to a program for nine months. Do that for your survival. I'm telling you from experience. You gotta do this shit for real this time, Jada. No more bullshit, or you may have to say good-bye to your son for good. I don't want to see that happen to you. I'm gonna do everything I can to help you. But you gotta help yourself.” Sunny spoke candidly to her friend. As a former drug offender herself, Sunny knew that blunt honesty was the only way to deal with an addict. They had to hear the truth straight, with no chaser.

Jada made up her mind, as she looked down at the photos of her baby boy, that she would have to leave drugs alone for good if she wanted a chance to be in his life. She committed herself to staying clean in order to get her baby back. No matter how hard it was.

As much as she hated Jamari for taking her son away so coldly, Jada had to admire him for how he had managed to care for their son. Sheldon was a beautiful baby, and he looked happy and healthy. After seeing his condition at birth, Jada knew that Sheldon's recovery was a miracle. She could tell that Jamari loved him, and that he was taking good care of him. But she still hated him for depriving her of seeing her baby.

Sunny kept coming to visit Jada, and kept bringing her pictures of Sheldon. Those pictures got her through the hard times. Jada sat on her bed night after night staring at the pictures of her son. Sunny went out of her way to stay on Jamari's trail as much as possible. Since she figured he knew her face from her appearance with Jada in court, Sunny had her mother go to the park and bring Mercedes. She would go and see Jamari there, and let Mercedes play with Sheldon. Jamari didn't recognize Sunny's mother, but little did he know he was helping his son form a friendship with Sunny's daughter. Sunny often laughed at the irony.

Because of Sunny and her mother, and the pictures and stories they gave Jada about her son, Jada went into rehab wanting to get out of there and be clean. Being in jail and having her son stripped away from her had broken her. But going to rehab—for real this time—made Jada see herself so clearly that it changed her life. She was determined to prevail for once in her life, and she was never the same again.

 

September 2000

 

Jada stared out the window of the rehabilitation clinic. She knew that lunch was being served, but she wasn't hungry. All she could think about was the fact that her son was growing up without her. He was sitting up without her, and having his first taste of solid food without her. She was envious of Jamari, and of his ability to witness Sheldon's precious moments. She felt sorry for herself, and frankly she was tired of being in institutions. To hell with lunch.

Jada's lawyer was on his job. He filed motion after motion to challenge
the judge's ruling. He argued that Jada hadn't used any drugs after her child was born. Granted, that was due in part to her incarceration, but Jada was giving it a real try. He got Jada's counselor, Miss Walsh, to testify about the strides she'd made. Jada had given Miss Walsh a hard time when she first got there. But she told Jada point-blank that she hadn't put her there. She wasn't the reason Jada found herself locked up and in rehab. Jada had done that all by herself. Miss Walsh said that she wasn't there just because she was bored at home. She wasn't there to rub Jada's back, or to pick her up. She was there to help Jada beat this thing, and to make the transition smoother for her, so that she could reclaim her life. Jada wanted that more than anything. Miss Walsh got through to her because of the raw and uncut way in which she dealt with her. She didn't sugarcoat the situation, or pretend that it was going to be easy. Jada needed her type of raw honesty, and it helped her to get the monkey off her back once and for all.

Her attorney argued that the judge couldn't base his decision on whether or not Jada was a
current
danger to Sheldon solely based on Jada's
past
behavior. She hadn't used any drugs since the day she'd been arrested. He argued that she deserved the benefit of the doubt, now that she had been clean for more than a year. It could no longer be considered neglect if Jada had genuinely changed her life, and was now drug free. The judge agreed, and placed a condition on her future with her son. If she completed the program, Jada was entitled to supervised visits. That drove her to finish the program. She had her baby boy to get home to. Jada took her recovery more seriously than ever. And Sunny was there for her every step of the way. At the end of nine months of rehabilitation, Jada left that program clean, and didn't pick up a drug afterward. It was like a switch had gone off in her head once she had seen her baby. For Jada, seeing Sheldon fighting to survive made her want to fight, too. It made her want to beat what was weighing her down, and survive, the same way he had. Having Sheldon saved her life. And even though it would take her a long time to get to the point where she could have supervised visits with him, she was grateful to be in his life at all. At first, a
social worker came along on her visits with Sheldon, watching how she spoke to him, how she played with him, and observing the way Jada interacted with her son. She was bothered by this, hating the fact that a stranger had to watch her play with her own child. Eventually, she earned the right to unsupervised visitation, and a social worker picked Sheldon up from Jamari and dropped him off with Jada. This was done so that the two of them could avoid any confrontations that may adversely affect Sheldon's development. Jada preferred it that way. She didn't ever want to do anything to hurt Sheldon again. He was her whole reason for living. Jada said a daily prayer of thanks that God had given her a second chance—not just at motherhood, but at life.

Jada went to see Miss Ingrid about a month after she came home. Ingrid was so happy to see Jada now that she was cleaned up, and had gotten her shit together. She opened the door, and she smiled so big that you would have thought she was Jada's mother, and not Born's.

“Jada, oh my God. Look at you!” Ingrid was obviously impressed by Jada's transition. “Girl, you look so good!”

Jada hugged Born's mother, and Ingrid led her into her living room. “Sit down, and let me get you something to drink.” Jada did as she was told, and Ingrid disappeared into the kitchen. Jada looked around at all of the pictures of Born gracing the shelves and tables in the living room. His elementary school picture was the cutest, in Jada's opinion. Born wore a green polo shirt in the picture, and his two front teeth were missing on the top. He looked so cute, and Jada couldn't help wondering if their children would have inherited Born's handsome face. She wished all the time that Sheldon was his child rather than punk-ass Jamari's.

Ingrid reentered the living room, and sat across from Jada. “When did you come home?” Ingrid asked.

Jada sipped her soda, and said, “Last month. I've been staying in Brooklyn with my friend Sunny. She helped me out so much, Miss Ingrid. I had a hard time seeing my baby, because my baby's father fought me for sole custody while I was locked up.” Jada sat and told Ingrid everything. She told her how it had felt to see her baby limp and helpless,
his body frail and bony. She remembered Sheldon as a tiny baby with withdrawal symptoms from the crack. Ingrid listened as Jada told her that watching Sheldon fight for his life had made her want to fight for her own. She briefly explained the long story of her legal battles with Jamari for the right to be a part of her son's life. Ingrid listened sympathetically. “Sunny and her mother snuck, and took pictures of my son, and brought them to me while I was in jail, and in rehab. They helped my attorney prove that I was serious about getting my act together, and I'm so grateful to them for that.”

Ingrid nodded. “Your friend Sunny sounds like a real friend. You don't get too many of those in life. You might get
one.
And if you get one, you should consider yourself lucky. If you get more than that, you are truly blessed. You'll come across a lot of different people in your life. Some you'll like more than others. But you gotta learn to differentiate between friends and just plain associates. This girl Sunny sounds like a friend.”

Jada nodded. She thought about Shame, who she had once thought was her friend. Now that she had gotten her life together, Jada realized that Shante had only wallowed in Jada's misery and misfortune. But what goes around always comes around, and Shante was still getting high, and looking worse than ever. She had teeth missing and a haggard appearance every time she stepped outside. Everybody looked at her, and saw little more than a crackhead who looked twenty years older than she actually was. Jada was happy that her life hadn't turned out the same way. She had gotten another chance. Ingrid offered Jada a piece of her famous chocolate cake, and that was an offer she couldn't refuse. They ate cake and drank coffee, and chatted like old friends catching up after journeying down a long and winding road. Ingrid explained the importance of friendship to Jada.

“See, this is how I see it. There are so many young women who depend on the men in their lives for everything. They base their self-esteem, sometimes, on the man they love, and on what he thinks. They think that because he says ‘I love you,' he's always gonna be around.

That ain't always the case. But your friends … your good girlfriends … now they'll be there. True friends will help you back up on your feet. You hold on to your girl Sunny. Sounds to me like she got your back.”

Jada embraced the wisdom Born's mother imparted to her. It made it easy for her to talk to her about all the things she'd been through. She told Ingrid about her plans to go to school and take up journalism. She told her that writing had been therapeutic for her during her time away, and that she'd love to pursue it professionally. Ingrid was proud of Jada for turning such a negative situation into such a positive one. Ingrid walked to her closet, pulled out a large shoebox, and handed it to Jada. Jada looked inside and found all of her money. She smiled, grateful beyond measure that Ingrid had been true to her word, and had kept Jada's money secure. She wanted to cry, because she knew there weren't too many people who are honest enough to keep fifty-five thousand dollars untouched for close to two years. “Thank you, Miss Ingrid.” Jada's eyes were misty. “Thank you so much.”

Ingrid smiled back. She sat back in her seat, and folded her arms across her chest. “You did it. You got back up on your feet, and you did it for the right reasons. You did it for yourself, and for your son. I'm real proud of you.” Ingrid smiled. Then she let out a sigh, and looked her in the eyes. “Let me tell you something, Jada. And you need to keep this between me and you.” Ingrid knew that her son would be upset if he knew what she was about to say, but Ingrid trusted Jada to keep this discussion between them.

Jada nodded. “After what you did for me, Miss Ingrid, you know you can trust me.”

Ingrid nodded. “I know my son very well. You know what I'm saying? And I know that he still cares about you. He talks about you sometimes, and he gets this faraway look in his eyes. You didn't hear it from me, but I think my son still has love in his heart for you.”

Jada smiled. “Wow. That's like music to my ears.”

Ingrid smiled, and sighed. “But Marquis is about to be a father.”

Jada's heart broke into a million pieces. She tried to keep her game
face on, but Ingrid could see that she was hurt. “With who? Anisa?” Jada asked.

Ingrid nodded. “Yeah.” She shook her head in disbelief. “When he was locked up, she forgot all about him. She was there for him at first, but it didn't take Miss Thang long to hit the road. I wasn't surprised, and Marquis said he wasn't either. But I think he was kinda hurt by it, even though he tried to act like he wasn't. Marquis contacted her when he got home to ask her why she had played him like that. Next thing you know, she's pregnant. I can't say she trapped him. I don't know that for sure. But I do know that Marquis will make a good father. I'm sure that Anisa knows she got a good man. And I'm not just saying that because he's my son. Marquis has a big heart, and he's gonna be good to her, and to his child. He won't let her and the baby go without, and for that reason alone Anisa does her best to keep my son happy.” Ingrid looked at Jada. “He's about to have a son, and he's real excited about it. But I can tell that Marquis don't care for her like he cared for you.”