Love's Illusions: A Novel (26 page)

I didn’t believe he was coming over to end things – I didn’t pick up any vibes to that effect on the phone – but the thought had crossed my mind, many times in fact, during the preceding month. I was trying to ‘give him space’ as Rick said, but each day that passed without him around just added to my own self-doubts. Since the beginning of the year I had seen him, made love to him, at least a couple times a week, but since July 19th he had disappeared.

Did the fact that Keith came back on Stephen’s birthday, have some kind of fucked up, cosmic meaning? Karma. A lot of the trashy magazines talked about Karma, what goes around comes around… Shit I was going to make myself crazy imagining things –
just take a deep breath, slow down and take control
. But what good was it having a so-called relationship if he was going to close me out? Why was he doing this? I felt like screaming!

In his usual manner, Michael showed up with way too much food – General Tsu Chicken, Moo Shu Pork, Sweet & Sour Shrimp, Pot Stickers, fried rice, white rice and egg rolls, and he even remembered the chopsticks for me. The smile on his face was huge as he came through the door, curling up the corners of his lips, his eyes saying it all. Seeing it I thought,
okay, this isn’t the end
– I could relax, pushing most of my fears out of my head.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he whispered in my ear after a very long, ardent kiss.

“I’ve been right here,” I said in a voice that sounded rather hollow.

Holding my face in his hands he examined my expression before replying, “I know, let’s eat. I want to tell you what’s been goin’ on.”

As we ate he said, “That war fucked him up. I mean
fucked him up!
He was always crazy… had big dreams, thought he could do anything, but now – now he actually believes he can.”

“What do you mean ‘believes’ he can do anything?”

“Like be a big time dealer, and there won’t be any consequences. Ya know, I’m not even sure he cares if there are? It’s like he lives one day at a time with no thought to tomorrow - like he doesn’t care if he lives or dies… it’s all the same to him. And his temper is out of control, he’s acting like our father used to. He took one of his old girlfriends from the neighborhood out again, and tried to force himself on her. They used to screw around all the time before, but now – well I guess she said ‘no’ and he got crazy– she told me he pushed her around, told her she was nothing but the neighborhood slut before, then called her a fuckin’ whore and stormed out.”

“What? Oh my God, he didn’t hurt her did he?” I asked.

“No, but she’s scared – afraid he might come back – she wanted someone to know what had happened. I talked to him, he won’t go near her again.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. He said she was always a lousy lay anyhow, and not worth the effort.”

“What?” I exclaimed.

“Hmph… well that’s why I know he won’t bother her again – according to Keith, there is no such thing as a ‘lousy lay’,” he said winking at me. “That was just his way of saying she’s not worth it. He’s my brother, Jackie – I owe him a lot, I mean I’d never takes sides against him, but…”

“What does your Mom say about all this?”

“She can’t deal with it at all. She’s been drinking a lot more since he’s been home. She thinks it’s her fault for not leaving my father sooner, when we were all a lot younger, and nothin’s gonna convince her otherwise.”

“Shit, that’s crazy.”

“Yeah, I know. I just don’t know what to do. I want to help him, I’d work with him if I thought his plan had a chance, but as it stands now… I just want my hard-assed, sarcastic, brother back,” he said, his thoughts drifting off. “And I’m sorry, I know he’s been treating you like shit, but that’s just because he thinks you’re the reason I’m balking at his scheme. If you were gone, he thinks I’d change my mind.”

“Well would you?”

“Why, are you gonna split?”

“No, I mean I do have to find a real job after I graduate, and if your brother hates me, then…” I shrugged, standing up to clear away the leftover food and dishes so I could turn my back and he wouldn’t see my face.

“It’s not that he hates you. He just doesn’t know how to handle anyone being as close to me as you are. I think you scare him somehow. He doesn’t understand that you’re not a threat to him. When he came in that first morning, and laid across you, I knew what he was up to – he was testing me to see if you were more than just another piece of ass. He wanted to see what I’d do,” he said shaking his head.

“Shit! That’s fucked up. I’m not trying to separate the two of you.”

“I know, it’s hard to explain. I’m not sure I
can
explain. He wants things to be like they were before he got drafted, when he could tell me what to do, and I’d pretty much do it. If he told me to dump some girl then, well… I usually did, without much of an objection. But things are different now, I love you Jackie, you know that don’t you,” he said.

“I know, I love you too, that’s why this is so hard,” I said my smile flickering.

“Yeah, I know,” he said helping me clean up. “I mean, I like dealing a little pot here and there, the money’s good, but I don’t see it as a way of making a living – not over the long run at least – way too risky. I’ve known that much ever since that night at Cabrini Green. He sees dealing as his only future.” He hesitated for a moment. “Don’t worry, we’ll work it out – we always do.”

I sighed, “So what am I supposed to do while the two you are ‘working it out’? I’ve barely seen you since he’s been home.”

“I know, and that ends now – I’ve missed you, babe. I want to be here… like I was before. Assuming that’s what you still want?” his voice dropped off, half questioning, half stating a fact.

How the hell did he always manage to do that… know when I’ve given in before I even did? He knew the answer to that question; of course I wanted him around.
Well I didn’t have to admit it… he could damn well work for it!
I thought.

“Hmm, let me think about that,” I replied biting my lower lip for some control.

Michael grabbed me around the waist and lifted me into his arms; he grinned, and started walking toward the bedroom. “You can think about it in here.”

It was the end of September. Mary Beth had been back since the beginning of the month. The new semester had started and I was pregnant.

How the hell had this happened? It had to be Karma – my mother said I’d end up getting pregnant, and have to get married again! I was on the pill – had been on it for years, ever since moving to Chicago, faithfully taking it each and every morning, like clockwork , except that time while I was sitting on the bench in Lincoln Park mulling things over. I had run out, and hadn’t had a chance, or maybe I didn’t have the energy, to get to the Planned Parenthood clinic to have my prescription refilled, so I missed a week – but I had started them again right away, taking the first weeks’ worth of my cycle all at once. Now I was sitting in that same clinic being told I was pregnant. As soon as I missed my period I had been suspicious, then when it didn’t come and didn’t come, I made an appointment; I was never late, my body ran like a precisely tuned Swiss timepiece. So when my breasts felt different somehow, more sensitive, I was suspicious, but I never thought the test results would be positive. The doctor said it was early – I was only about six weeks along. The clinic gave me some pamphlets on my options, none of which sounded good to me.
Holy Christ – what the fuck am I going to do now?

I called Mary Beth telling her I needed to see her
now
; we made plans for me to come to her place that evening. I called The Canteen and told Charlie I wouldn’t be able to come in that night; no, I wasn’t sick, but Mary Beth was and I needed to help her. Then I called Michael, and fed him the same line of bullshit.

Mary Beth was living in a studio apartment in Evanston, just off campus in one of the older houses that had been converted for students. Her apartment actually reminded me of Michael’s place over the garage except his was larger, and she had old concert posters all over the place to hide the ugly green walls.

“So what’s the big emergency that you couldn’t tell me over the phone?”

I stared at her in silence for a few seconds then blurted out, “I’m pregnant.” As I stepped into the room, the tears started to flow.

“Oh my God! Are you sure? You’re on the pill; maybe it’s something else.”

“Yes, I’m sure – I went to the clinic today and had a pregnancy test… The doctor says I’m about six weeks along.” I replied reaching out to take the Kleenex Mary Beth was handing me to dry my eyes. I plopped down in an overstuffed chair by her desk – the tears wouldn’t stop. My mind was racing with things I wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth – I felt like I did when I was calling for help on the park bench, but no one answered.

Mary Beth grabbed the box of Kleenex then sat on the arm of the chair, signaled me to scoot over, and slid in beside me telling me to just sit there and cry. “I’ve got a whole new box of tissue in the cabinet if you need it.”

Finally calming down some, I was able to answer her questions. I told her about running out of pills, and never thinking it would be a problem. I figured I got pregnant right after Michael reappeared from his MIA time with Keith. “I never, never expected this,” I moaned. “I’ve always been so careful before, how could I have done this?”

“Have you told him yet? Are you going to tell him?” she asked.

“No, but I will. Keeping secrets is too corrosive. I haven’t got the energy for it. I’ll explode if I try to keep it from him, but I just need to figure out what I’m going to do first.”

I showed her the literature from the clinic. Most of it had to do with prenatal care, but there was one that talked about available options: 1) keep the baby and live happily ever after, 2) give the baby up for adoption, 3) abortion – currently illegal, and potentially dangerous in all but a couple states, and Illinois was not one of them. I had zero moral objections to abortion, in fact, I had joined several protests over the last few years hoping to force this country into changing the law – too many women were dying or could never have kids later from botched procedures because of our screwed up laws, and all the religious zealots trying to force their opinions onto everyone. A woman’s right to choose a safe, legal, affordable abortion was one of my ‘soap box’ issues. I knew there was a case pending at the Supreme Court, just waiting on a decision, but it had already been delayed, so by the time those nine old farts made up their minds, I figured this kid would not only be born, it would be graduating from high school! That didn’t do me any good – I needed abortion to be legal this minute.

Mary Beth pulled a calendar out of her desk drawer; we figured out the whole trimester thing. I had time to deal with this, time to think. I knew I did
not
want a kid. At this point I didn’t see myself ever wanting kids, and I sure as hell didn’t want one now, like this: in the middle of a divorce; fucking a drug dealer; fighting with depression or whatever the hell it was that caused this to happen in the first place; getting stoned all the time (God only knew what kind of damage I’d already done to this thing with pot, Ludes, and Valium); in school with a full year to go before graduating; no means of support; not to mention having to tell my parents who would go berserk and disown me! I could hear my mother’s voice now saying, “I told you so,” and the scandal it would cause – oh my God!

We opened a bottle of wine, sat, talked, and ate Cheetos for hours both of us finally falling asleep stretched across her pull-down bed. Mary Beth was going to talk to Kent, and try to find a real doctor who would do an abortion here in Chicago – such a person had to exist, the only issue was finding him or her, and of course, figuring out how to pay for it, but I’d worry about money later. I was going to go back to Planned Parenthood, and see if they could help with a referral. I was pretty sure abortion was legal in Hawaii and New York and maybe a couple other states without having to prove rape or incest – maybe they could help me make arrangements at a place in New York. I could get there if I had to.

At least I had time to plan. But first, I had to tell Michael. I had no idea how he’d react – this was not a subject we’d ever even gotten close to discussing.

It was Saturday. The bar would be busy tonight. Michael and Keith would be there – with any luck, Keith would find some girl to go home with, and would disappear early. That had been his pattern since Michael started staying with me again. When he didn’t find someone, he’d crash on my couch, something I didn’t want to happen tonight. He had no problem finding women now that his hair was growing out, plus he had grown a beard and mustache that added to his rugged, virile, tough guy look - some nights he had two or three vying for his attention.

The two of them arrived wasted and in great moods. I had an idea what they were celebrating, but wasn’t positive. Since Michael and Rick had refused to be part of Keith’s smuggling scheme, he recruited a couple buddies from his old Army unit who now lived in California, to be his partners. The current plan was for them to acquire the seeds from other Army dudes who were still over there, put together some kind of growing operation out west, and then Michael and Rick would distribute it in the Midwest. My guess was that some piece of this plan had now come together. Before I could ask, Keith was standing about two inches away from my face telling me it was my lucky day – he was leaving on Monday for California. “Really?” I said looking around his shoulder at Michael who nodded in agreement with a shit-eatin’ grin on his face. “Well then, I guess it is my lucky day,” I said thinking
Well shit, it’s going to be impossible to talk to Michael tonight; maybe I should wait until Keith is actually gone
–
maybe not.

I was right. Talking to Michael was impossible. The rest of the night he kept asking why I didn’t want to smoke, why I wasn’t celebrating with them, but was too wasted to push the issue. I wasn’t sure myself, except I had had a twinge of guilt floating around in my head about the wine with Mary Beth, and didn’t want to add to it. As soon as we got back to the apartment after breakfast at the Sunrise Diner, Michael passed out – both of us sleeping Sunday morning well past noon.