Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (41 page)

Danica gave me a little while alone before she came in to help me up off the floor. Maybe she knew I didn’t want her opinions. It was especially hard for her considering that she treated me like I was her daughter. Picking sides wasn’t ever something she could do with a good conscience.

“What am I going to do?”

She helped me up and got me standing. When I went out into the living room, she helped me get seated comfortably on the couch and propped up my feet. “About what, Katy? If it’s about this house, we’ll clean it up. If you’re asking about Brooks, that’s something you need to decide. Just keep in mind that he can only handle so much rejection. Maybe instead of shutting him out, you should let him be there for you. Brooks knows you, probably better than you know yourself, right now. No matter what you’re going through, he’ll understand, as long as you don’t push him away.”

“Bobby’s dead because of me,” I said in a whisper.

“That man is dead because he made poor choices.”

I shook my head, unable to accept that she knew anything about the situation. “You don’t understand. All he ever wanted was for me to love him. I tried
, and for a while I thought I did. Obviously, it wasn’t anything like I feel for Brooks, but it was becoming something to build off of. The moment I found out Brooks was alive --”

“Alive? Katy, you thought he was dead?”

I nodded and started to sob, covering my face with both of my hands. “His letters stopped. I called Melissa and hung up before they could tell me that he’d just been injured. I didn’t know they were sending him home. I didn’t have a clue that he was coming home to be with me.”

She put her hand on my should
er and started rubbing it. “My God, I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.”

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe. If it wasn’t for Bobby, I’d still be lying in my bed, without the will to go on. He understood how much I loved Brooks and still wanted to be with me. Granted, it was the reason that he started drinking and eventually hitting me.”

“What? He hit you?”

I nodded and cried harder. “Brooks came here to be with me
, and when he pulled up at the house and saw that I was with another man and had a child, he gave up on me. I never knew he’d been here. I swear to you that I didn’t know.”

“I believe you, but I need to know how you found out?”

“I got a letter a few weeks ago that must have been lost in the mail. It was postdated from February and explained how he was coming home to start a life with me. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I just got in my car and drove to the base. There was no way I could go without knowing. I had to see it for myself. Brooks walked out of that building and I felt like I could breathe again. Not only was he alive, but he’d been living so close to me. What he didn’t know was that Brooklyn was his child. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and then I confessed.”

“
You should have seen the look on his face when he told me to leave. It hurt so much knowing that I’d hurt him again. I hated myself for not telling him about B. When I left, I went to pick her up from the babysitter. When I got home, Brooks was sitting at the kitchen table with Bobby. After that, everything started becoming the mess that led to all this. Bobby started hitting me again and Brooks wasn’t going to sit around letting it happen. He hid me from Bobby at a hotel near the base.

That was the first
time that we spent the night together. We should have waited, but after so long apart and sharing the excitement of our daughter, things happened. It was his idea to bring us home to you and Walt. He thought we’d be safe while waiting for Bobby to be served papers ordering him stay away from us.

I was so caught up in being with Brooks, finally after so long that I went along with
everything he said. It was his idea to tell you he knew the whole time. It was his idea to lie about being married. He just wanted our family back together, and for what it was worth, it meant everything to me too. I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me for doing this to the family, again. I promise that I won’t keep B from you. I’d never do that.”

“Stop.” She closed her eyes and kept her hand on my shoulder. “Just stop and let me take this all in.”

“All you have to know is that this is my fault. I agreed to marry Bobby and he expected me to change. I ruined his life and now I’ve ruined mine.”

“That wasn’t fair to either of you, Katy. He should have known that he couldn’t change things. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Nobody expects you to be a saint. I’m angry with your approach, but I do understand how you felt like it was the only way. Our situation is difficult. You being in love with my sons and also considering you my own daughter, it was always a potion for disaster,
but we let you all figure it out amongst yourselves. Bobby couldn’t expect you to change something that you’ve felt your entire life.”

I smiled, knowing that she was right. I’d loved Brooks Valentine my whole life. The idea that he’d just walked out of my house so upset was killing me. “I think when he thought I’d lost Brooks forever, Bobby thought he had a chance. Shit, I even told him he did. We were trying to
have another baby.”

“Katy, you were doing what you thought was right. Whether it was a miracle or miscommunication, Brooks was suddenly back in your life. Anyone in your situation would have been compulsive with their
decision making. You felt like you’d gotten a second chance after experiencing all of the emotions of losing someone.”

I cried harder, feeling like nothing that I’d done was the right decision. “Being with Brooks is so easy. I know it’s stupid, but it’s almost like we share a heart.”

“Or a soul? Maybe that’s possible. We’ll never know. Look, life isn’t always wonderful. There are ugly parts. You know that more than anyone. What you do with those ugly parts is what makes you the woman you are. I can’t tell you what to do, but you need to imagine your life without Bobby and your life without Brooks. If what Bobby wanted was for you to be happy, then somewhere in your heart you’ll be able to forgive yourself.”

Brooks had offered me similar advice a while back.

I couldn’t talk anymore and after my confession I fully expected Danica to catch the next flight out. Instead, while I cried and B slept, she began cleaning my house.

My heart was so heavy
, and right in the middle of all the pain was the man that I was pushing away.

Chapter 54

I should have known that I wouldn’t get much rest. Aside from having to sleep on the couch, since my bed had been destroyed, I tossed and turned thinking about Brooks and everything else.

I could hear the sounds of the critters and insects outside and nothing else. I stared at the ceiling for a while, and even got down on the floor and started picking up things that were still out of place.

Danica was sound asleep in B’s room with her and I didn’t want to wake either of them by turning on the television.

I attempted to count sheep, think about where I walked, where I needed to go in the morning, but nothing was letting me go to sleep.

Finally, around two in the morning, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to hear his voice.
I knew that because of how he’d left, I was too messed up to be able to rest.

I was surprised whe
n he answered fully alert. “Kat, is that you?”

I started crying immediately. “Yes. It’s me.”

“Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t sleep. All I keep thinking about is
being without you. I feel so sick over it. My head is all over the place. I feel like everything is my fault, but I also know that there’s no possible way I could ever give up on us. I just feel so lost, Brooks.”

I wondered if he was rolling his eyes at my latest attempts at feeling sorry for myself.

“Babe, I’m not going anywhere. I promised you that no matter what happened I’d stick around and I meant it. You’ve got a lot going on, but in time you’re going to see the big picture. You’re going to know without a doubt that we should be together. I know I get hardheaded about you. It’s only because I’ve waited so long to start our life together. Now we’ve got a little girl to raise. As much as I hate that you’ve got baggage, it doesn’t mean I’ll give up. Nobody is going to come my way and take your place. You have my heart, Kat. You always have. Please calm down. I hate it when you’re so upset.”

He wasn’t
helping me to stop crying. Instead, I was sobbing harder. “I know I love you and I know I’m supposed to be with you. That’s never been my problem.”

“Yeah, I know.
I feel the same way.”

I missed him already.
“Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Do you want to see me?” I hated that he even had to ask.

“Of course.”

The side door frightened me, especially since I wasn’t able to get up
quick enough to see what was happening. I heard footsteps and looked up quickly to see who was coming through the doorway. Then I heard his voice, both on the phone and in the kitchen. “How about now?”

I smiled through my sniffles.
“I thought you left?”

We both hung up our phones at the same time.

“I did. I drove around for a while and then came back, seeing as I had a feeling you were going to need me. I can see now that I was right.” He crossed his arms and stood there looking at me. It didn’t even bother me that he always knew what I was thinking. It comforted me and made me feel like I was never alone.

He didn’t come over and sit on the couch.
Instead, he leaned on the doorframe separating the kitchen and living room.

“What if I didn’t call?”

He shrugged. “I’ve slept in worse places than a truck. I would have gotten up and drove in to work. I wasn’t leaving you three girls here alone. Since you obviously needed some space, I gave it to you.”

“Your mom was nice. We talked for a bit. I told her about Bobby. I may have left out a few details, but she knows everything there is to know. I can’t tell whether she hates me or not. I think I already hate myself enough for the both of us.”

“She doesn’t hate you. Didn’t she tell you that you were her daughter, just a few days ago?”

“That was before she knew I was a lying, married, awful person.”

“Do you hear yourself?”

“It’s true.”

“You lied because I asked you to. I told you to keep it from them, because I thought it would be easier. I didn’t know Bobby would show up, and if I had, we could have been prepared.”

Even though
I still had pent up guilt, I had to focus on one mess at a time. I looked right at him, feeling upset at how we’d left things. “Will you come sit with me?”

“Will you let me?” He was seriously asking me, because I’d led him to believe that we couldn’t be together.

“I’ll always let you. Stop asking such stupid questions. You never have to ask me.”

He sighed and walked over, sitting down and kicking off his boots, before turning his attention to me. “Come here.” He put his arm around me and pulled me down against his chest. It wasn’t sexual or even romantic. Brooks wanted me to know that he was there for me. He was protecting me like he always had before. “Try to get some rest.”

I laced my hand inside of one of his. “Please don’t go anywhere, Brooks.”

“You are on top of me. I don’t see how I could sneak out without you noticing.”

“Will you tell me a story that I’ve never heard?” I kept my eyes opened, but listened to his heart beating in his chest.

“Let’s see. Can it be about anything?”

I nodded again and played with his fingers that were laced with my own.

“Before I left for
boot camp, I asked Branch if he planned on marrying you someday. I don’t know why I did it. I guess maybe I just needed that push to tell me that I was doing the right thing by leaving. At any rate, he told me that as long as I wanted you, he’d have you. Do you believe that cock sucker said that?”

I laughed. “Yeah. I do.”

“Anyway, that’s not the best part of the story. While he thought he’d damaged my ego, I laughed, thinking about the two times that I’d been with you and nobody knew about. Then I said the first thing that popped into my head. I asked him if he was alright with knowing that when you were with him, if it bothered him that you pretended it was me.” He started laughing. “You don’t have to tell me if you ever did that, but it made me feel better saying it to him.”

“I’m sure it pissed him off.”

“Yeah. It didn’t matter. I left and he got to be with you. He got to live with you and spend countless hours in your presence, while I was so far away from everyone.”

I felt so sorry for Brooks, especially knowing that I’d never been truly happy with Branch. I knew that now. “How did you get through it?”

“I thought of you. I drew pictures of you and wrote you letters that I never sent. I hooked up with a few cadets, but they weren’t anything spectacular. To be honest, I stayed busy most of the time. It wasn’t until I was in bed thinking of you that it got hard.”

I looked right into his eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. Sure, I heard the part where he’d hooked up with other woman. He had every right to, because I was involved with his brother.