Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (9 page)

Chapter 12

I started pulling my dress down over my head, before Brooks could say anything. He approached me with a worried look. “What are you doing? You don’t have to leave. We can do this together. Did you think I’d expect you to face them by yourself?”

“I need to get my bag out of my room, before they all come looking to kill me. I’ll be right back, I promise.
You don’t have to worry.”

He grabbed my arm as I began to
reach for the door handle. “Kat, you are going to come back so we can talk, right? You’re not just saying you are?”

I gave him a look, as if he was crazy for thinking it. “Of course.
Stop worrying. I’ll be right back.”

He leaned down and kissed me passionately, like we had all
of the time in the world. I savored it, knowing I wouldn’t be back. This was our last kiss, and I had to remember it forever. His love radiated through me and I couldn’t help but start to cry. He had my heart and I wanted him to always remember that. Without it he wouldn’t be able to move on and I wanted him to be happy, even if it would take him a while to open up again.

I’d ruined our happy family and the only way to make amends was to leave. Without me in the picture they could work on forgiveness. My love had destroyed the three of us and I couldn’t live with myself knowing it.

When I finally pulled away, he wiped the tears off of my cheeks. “Hurry back to me. We’ve got forever to spend together.”

Those words were going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I was a bawling mess by the time the elevator doors closed. When I reached my room I rushed in, finding Melissa standing there trying to call someone. She threw her phone on the bed. “Where have you been? I called Branch looking for you and he cussed me out. What the hell is going on, Katy? I thought you spent the night with him? Where were you? What is going on?”

I started throwing all of my things in my suitcase. “I can’t talk about it right now.”

“You need to be downstairs for pictures in two hours and you look like death. What is going on? I’m your friend. You can talk to me. Just tell me what happened. Are you two fighting?”

I looked right at her with the most serious face. “I spent the night with Brooks. You know, the g
uy who shut you down last night? He did it because he wanted me. He’s wanted me since we were little kids. As much as you’re probably judging me in your head right now, I’m already judging myself.” I shook my head and zipped up the luggage. “Look, I don’t have time to explain the details, and I don’t expect you to even consider me a friend again. There’s so much more to the story than you could ever know, and I feel like if I had the time to explain you’d understand. I just can’t talk about it, right now. I’ve got to get out of here.”

She stood there, stunned and speechless.

I pushed her to the side to get my bags near the door. I was running out of time. At any moment Branch was going to come after me. He’d probably already told his parents, who were equally devastated. The thought of that made bile rise to my throat. I could feel my body getting dizzy and my chest felt tight. My anxiety was through the roof and I had to disappear before it could get even worse.

She came up behind me and smack
ed me right in the face. “That’s for lying to me, because I’m assuming you’ve been in love with him for you to do something so scandalous the night before your wedding. I made a fool out of myself, and you knew he didn’t want me the whole time. And you-- how could you do that to Branch? This hotel is filled with people that came here to see you marry him. They are here to see you promise your faithfulness to him. Does that mean anything to you?”

I looked down at the ground and accepted the sting as payment for being a shitty friend. “I’m so sorry, Mel. I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t accept it myself.
I do know what it means to be faithful and what I’ve done is unforgivable. It’s done. The damage is done and I can’t change it. They’re never going to forgive me for what has happened. Branch will make sure of it. He’ll make sure they never speak to me again. He’s not going to stop until he’s satisfied. I know how he is. I’ve started a war that I can’t defend myself in and I’ve got to get as far away from him as I can.”

She grabbed my suitcase. “Let’s just get you out of here and we’ll talk on the road.”

I dropped my other bags and wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m still mad at your ass and maybe even a little jealous.”

“Don’t be.” We walked out and I hit the elevator button. “You wouldn’t want my life. Nobody would ever want this life.”

When we got down to the lobby, my heart was
weighing heavy on the fact that I was destroying Brooks by leaving him. I knew I owed him a better explanation, so after we got the car loaded I found a pen and piece of paper from one of my schoolbooks and started writing him a goodbye letter.

Melissa sat there rubbing my hair as I cried and wrote the words that I was too chicken to say to him.

Dear Brooks,

This letter means that I broke my promise to you. I had to walk away from this before I had to look them all in the eye and admit what I’ve done. I couldn’t stay and face the consequences. I know I’m a coward and that a part of you will never forgive me for this.

Not only have I destroyed the bond that you and your brother once shared, but I’ve disrespected your parents and all of the generosi
ty that they’ve given me for so many years.

This letter isn’t something that my heart takes lightly. I know what I’m giving up
, and it hurts more now knowing how absolutely perfect it felt to be in your arms and feel your love radiating through me.

I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.

Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.

Some people say that lov
e never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.

I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead.
If I had known what I know now there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together and it kills me inside.

This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.

I’m sorry and I love you,

Katy

With trembling hands I wrote his room number and name and handed it to the bellhop before we pulled out of the hotel valet slot.

After the two-
hour ride, where I sobbed and tried to explain the whole story to Melissa, we pulled up at the apartment.

Since I didn’t know where Branch was or if he was coming to murder me for
embarrassing him, I hurried inside and started packing everything that I’d be able to fit inside my tiny car. I grabbed clothes, jewelry, toiletries, and one picture collage of the three of us throughout the years growing up. Melissa helped me carry out several bags before she left me alone to say a final goodbye to the life I was leaving behind.

I play
ed with the engagement ring on my finger and finally took it off. Then I grabbed a sticky note and wrote the words “sorry” on it. After putting the ring and my cell phone on top of it, I took one last look around the room and closed the door behind me.

Melissa wa
s in the driveway waiting. Her face showed that she was not only still my friend, but also a concerned one at that.

“I guess this is it?” s
he asked as I approached. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I don’t have a choice. They’re the only family I have and I know they hate me.”

“Will you call me when you’re safe?” I felt bad that she was concerned.

“I’ll send word your way that I’m fine. I’ll try to keep in touch.”

“This isn’t goodbye. I’m going to hunt you down if I have to.”

I hugged her tight. “Thank you for today and everything else. I’m sorry I lied to you.”

She pulled away. “Given the circumstances, I get it. Don’t worry about me. You take care of yourself.”

She waved as I pull
ed away, and to be honest, I seriously contemplated driving myself off a bridge. I had nothing to live for; no reason to continue going on. The only thing that was coming my way was pain and loneliness and it was all my fault. I was a horrible person that needed to suffer for hurting them.

I don’t remember half of my drive, or even the fact that I’d crossed over state lines twice. All I knew was that I was sitting in front of a country restaurant and it was dark outside. Opposite the building, there was a motel lit up with the word “Vacancy.”

I parked my car and checked my face, realizing that it was completely swelled and impossible to hide. Then I walked inside to get a room.

Thirty-
seven dollars later, I was walking inside a room that looked like a horror movie had been filmed in it. Unable to care about anything, I fell down on the bed and let out the rest of the tears that I had in me. Exhaustion had taken over and I was tired of fighting it. My last thoughts were of Brooks and how twenty-four hours before I was in his arms.

I hugged the pillow and fell asleep
, unable to accept that I’d walked away from the only family I had left.

Chapter 13

Waking up in a filthy motel only reminded me of how messed up my life was. I hadn’t just given up on my love life. I’d left everything behind.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Everything!

I sat up and looked around the room, noticing the old wallpaper was peeling in the corners. Just being inside of a place so dilapidated made me need to take a shower. After going outside and getting my toiletry bag, I locked the door, attached the chain and headed into the bathroom. A roach was crawling around the bottom of the tub and I was too tired to even care. I turned the water on and watched him circling around the drain. That was how I felt; like my whole life was circling around a drain, waiting to be drowned by misery.

I waited for
the water to get hot and the bug to have fallen down the opening before stepping inside. The hot water fell over top of my traumatized body. I closed my eyes and tried to recuperate enough to run the soap over my skin. As my hand stroked my arm, I thought about Brooks touching me. I imagined the way his lips had felt against my skin.

Just seconds
after stepping in, my legs gave way. I fell down and crouched myself into a ball, then buried my face between my legs and let out even more agonizing thoughts. It wasn’t just the fact that I was completely alone. I was utterly broken.

I’d destroyed my life
, and I wished that I had enough guts to take a bottle of pills and douse them in a bottle of alcohol, knowing that when I closed my eyes they would never open again.

I felt as if I’d reached the lowest point in life and that trying to
overcome it wouldn’t just be impossible, but it was unattainable.

I stayed in the shower until the cold water became unbearable. Shivering, I climbed out and dressed into something comfortable. My journey wasn’t over. It had only just begun. My motivation was
finding distance and I knew the further I drove it would better the chance of them
never
being able to find me. I wanted to be invisible, so they could pretend that I didn’t exist.

After checking out, I got back on the road, stopping at a branch of my bank to
withdrawal all of my funds. It was a good thing that I used a well reputable bank with locations in all fifty states, otherwise I would have been screwed. It wasn’t like I was able to think rationally. There was too much running through my head all at once.

All I knew was that I couldn’t leave them clues.
I couldn’t have them searching for me and finding me, because I’d left a trail of receipts. I needed to remove the evidence and never use the account again.

One thousand and forty-six dollars later
, I was stuffing my savings account into my purse and praying it would last me until I could find work and a place to call home.

After driving another day, only stopping at rest-stops to use the bathroom and buy
stale vending machine snacks or get gas, I had entered into South Carolina. Not only did I enjoy the country views, but it felt like I was meant to call it home.

I kept
going, deciding not to stop until my car needed gas again. When I came to a town called Sumter, I looked at my gas gauge and knew I’d found my new home.

Once I’d fueled up
and proceeded with new directions, I was standing in front of another restaurant and motel. This one seemed just as old as the last, but not as scary. The restaurant was a local tourist favorite, and very reputable at that.

I sat down at a table and ordered
something to eat, not being able to remember the last time I’d had a meal.

The first thing I noticed was that not a lot of people were in the establishment. One waitress was running around serving the four table
s occupied by patrons. I was patient, waiting for my turn to order.

After getting my food, nearly a half hour later, the waitress approached me. “Sorry
about the wait, hun. I’m short-handed. It’s been that way for the last week when my best girl decided to pick up and move in with a man she met only twenty-four hours earlier.”

I smiled, imagining her
dilemma to try to find someone on such short notice and wondering why someone would hook up and plan a future with someone they barely knew. “It’s really okay. So, are you looking for help? I’m just arriving in town and I’m looking for something. My former job was waitressing near the beach. I’m used to working hard, if given the chance.”

The lady put her hand on her hips and ga
ve me a good once over. “You runnin’ from somethin’?”

I shrugged. “Only a broken heart, if that matters.”

“You got references?”

I had references
, and probably good ones too. The thing was, I couldn’t have them knowing where I was. “I’d rather not contact them if I don’t have to. It’s just that I don’t really want certain people knowing where I am.”

“Are you in trouble with the law?” It was a good question to ask. I’d want to know if I was helping out a criminal.

“I’m a runaway bride, not a murderer. Look, I get it if you can’t trust me.”

She kept
looking at me and I looked down at my hands, feeling completely uncomfortable. “Be here tomorrow mornin’ at seven. I’ll give you a shot for one shift and see how it goes. No promises.”

I smiled, fee
ling like I’d succeeded in making the first step. “Thank you. I promise you won’t be sorry.”

She raised her eyebrow and shook my hand anyway. “I’ve heard that before, but I hope you’ll be different.”

She started to walk away. “My name is Katy, Katy Michaels.”

“I’ll see you at seven, Katy Michaels.”

Once I’d paid for my check and gotten a room at the motel, I settled in and drove over to a local grocery store. My room had a microwave, a mini refrigerator, and a sink. I knew I could find a few things to eat that weren’t considered junk. After getting a few bottles of water and a bag of microwave meals, I stood in front of a wall of prepaid phones. Feeling naked without mine, I picked one up and headed to the register.

The clerk looked
at me like I didn’t belong. It made me feel uncomfortable. I tried to shake it off, understanding that people in small towns worried about newcomers stomping on their lives. I didn’t mean anyone harm. I just wanted a chance to start over.

I climbed in my car and turned the key, but it wouldn’t start. I tried two more times and got nothing. The motor would turn but it wouldn’t
come on. “Great! Just great!” I said as I stepped out of my car and looked around.

A woman with two young children came walking out with her hands full of groceries. I approached her. “Do you need some help?”

She handed me one and smiled. “Thanks. I’m always afraid one of them is going to run out into the street.”

The two children climbed in the back of the car, leaving us adults standing there. “It’s no problem. Have a good day.”

I started to walk away. “Are you new here? I haven’t seen you around.”

“Yeah. I just got here actually. I stopped to get some groceries and my car won’t start. Do you know a tow company?”

She looked at me long and hard. “I usually don’t do this, but you seem harmless. Hop in, I’ll give you and your groceries a ride home.”

“I’m just staying down the road at the motel. Are you sure it’s okay?”

She smiled. “You’re really not from here, are you?”

“No. I’m from the city. Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah. You see around here everyone knows everyone. If someone is in trouble we help them out, knowing that one day they’ll return the favor.”

She laughed and shook her head.
“Get your things out of the car. I’ll call Bobby, who runs the repair shop, and have him pick your car up. “I climbed into the passenger seat and buckled my seat belt. “So what city?”

“D.C.
originally.”

“Wow. This must be like a ghost town. Why would you want to live here?”

I looked out the window and admired the scenery. “I’m starting over. My parents perished in 9-11, and it’s never been the same for me. I needed a fresh start, somewhere quiet and equally beautiful.”

“I’m so sorry about your parents. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. How old were you when it happened?”

“Twelve. I was twelve when it happened.” It still hurt to talk about.

“I guess you had family to take you in?” I’d answered these questions so many times in my life and it never really got easier. They were still gone and I was alone.

“My parent’s friends took care of me.”

“Did somethin’ happen to them?” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry. It’s none of my business. Please excuse me for askin’.”

“Nothing happened to them. I fell in love with both of their twin sons, and on the night I was to wed one, I spent the night with the other.”

She pulled the car over and stared at me. “
Tell me you’re kiddin’? When did this happen? It must have been just awful.”

I sighed, imagining her kicking me out of the car. “Two days ago. I woke up
, leaving my mess at the hotel and everything and everyone behind.” I started to cry and she threw the car into park. I felt her hand touching my arm and I looked up at her. “Are you okay?”

“No. I feel terrible
. They were the only family I had left. I can’t go back there. I’ve got nowhere else to go.”

She looked in the backseat at her children and then back to me. “We’ve got a trailer on our farm. It used to be for our farm help to live in, but he’s got his own place now. It’s a filthy mess, but with a good scrubbin’ it could get better. I’ll have to talk to my husband ab
out rent, and he’s not the givin’ kind of man, but it’s better and cheaper than stayin’ in some hotel.”

I couldn’t take my eyes from her. “You don’t even know my name. Why would you do this for me?”

“I try to live my life like a Christian would. Now, I don’t know what happened to make you do what you did, but it’s not my place to judge you. Anyone can tell you’re hurtin.’ It ain’t like I’m handin’ you a bone and not askin’ for anything. To be honest, we could use the extra income. I’d much rather have you livin’ there then some derelict.”

An hour later, I’d gotten my things from the motel and we were pulling up at the farm. The main house was two-story and looked a hundred years old. The trailer was off to the side of the property near a barn. We pulled up to it and a man, wearing bib overalls approached us.

“What are you doin’, Sarah?”

“This is
…,” she paused waiting for me to say my name.

“
I’m Katy Michaels.”

“What’s she doin’ here?”

Sarah handed me a bag, seeming to not care about his questions. “She’s goin’ to be rentin’ out the trailer. I told her we’d come up with a good amount for rent. She’s already got a job, so you won’t have to worry about money.”

He looked at me and spit in the plastic cup he was holding. Black
saliva sat at the bottom of it, and I wanted to cringe knowing what it was. “It’s three-hundred a month, due the first. If you’re late, it’s an extra fifty.”

I smiled. “Sounds good. Thank you.”

He gave Sarah a dirty look and walked away.

“My husband can be a jerk sometimes. Don’t mind him.
We’ve had a bad year.”

My first thought when I walked into the trailer that smelled of stale cigarettes was to run and never look back. I wanted to be ba
ck in that roach infested shit-hole hotel instead of calling this place home.

“I’ll bring over some cleaning supplies and we’ll give
it a good scrubbin’. Why don’t you take a look around while I unload my groceries and feed the kids lunch. I’ll call Bobby and have him get your car towed while I’m inside.”

She turned around before walking outside. “I
know you probably heard it already, but I’m Sarah.”

I held out my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

She smiled and agreed. “I’ll be back soon.”

The furniture had been covered with sheets. After putting th
e groceries in the cabinets, plugging in the refrigerator and other appliances, I started looking around. The trailer was old and needed work, but it had two bedrooms and one bathroom. The kitchen was big enough that it had a table and the living room had a sofa, loveseat and small television.