Love's Sweet Revenge (21 page)

Pepper frowned. “You're trustin' us with that much money?”

“Of course I am. Besides—” She glanced at Cole. “Do either of you really want to test Jake's wrath if you run off with his and Lloyd's money?”

Cole grinned, and Pepper chuckled. “You've got a point there, especially considerin' the mood Jake's in now.”

“I am going to clean up and change, and I'm sure Brian is bringing me something to help me sleep. Come back in the morning, and I'll give you the list and a note for the bank so you can get started. The sooner you get back here with the grandsons, the better for Jake…and for Lloyd. I'm praying that by then, Lloyd will be awake and able to talk to them. And we all have to pray he'll be able to move his legs. Right now he's still unconscious, but you can tell he's in a lot of pain. It's so hard to watch. He groans almost constantly. We're trying to keep Katie in bed for fear she'll lose the baby, and we're so afraid Lloyd might be paralyzed.” She rose again. “Do the two of you have a place to stay?”

The men glanced at each other, looking uncomfortable. “Yes, ma'am.”

“Are you at Gretta's place?”

Pepper visibly reddened. “Yes, ma'am.”

“You tell Gretta I'm grateful for her offers of help.”

“I…ma'am… You know Gretta?” Cole asked.

Randy managed to smile a little through her tears. “Cole, who am I married to?”

“Jake Harkner.”

“And Jake generally knows every prostitute in every town he's ever been to. Yes, I know Gretta. Back in Guthrie it was Dixie James. It's too long a story to explain, but it's all right to talk in front of me about Gretta.” She wiped at more tears. “At any rate, yes, bring the grandsons here. Little Jake will be a bit difficult, but he'll mind us if we tell him it's what Grandpa wants. I am thinking that wild little boy would be good for Jake. Maybe seeing him and Stephen and seeing his own son, Ben, will bring Jake out of this darkness and remind him how much he has to live for.”

Cole tipped his hat. “We'll head on out then and come back in the mornin' for your list and that bank note,” he told Randy. “You and the women take care of yourselves. And if anybody can bring Jake back to the here and now and pray Lloyd back to health, it's that daughter of yours. I swear she's right up there with the angels.”

“Thank you. I hope you're right.”

Both men left just as Evie came out of her room, Brian holding her arm. Evie flew into her mother's arms, and both women wept.

“Evie, you be careful how you approach Jake,” Randy warned. “Are you sure you're up to this?”

“I just want Daddy to come back from that awful place he's in,” Evie sniffed. “I just have to get through to him. He can't give up, and he has to be strong for Lloyd and for… Oh, Mother, I heard they want to arrest him! They want to take Daddy away like they did all those years ago!”

Randy hugged her close. “People will see that he had reason for what he did. We have to pray for that, Evie, but it won't help Jake's cause for him to stay in this mood, especially if there is a trial. He has to show people the wonderful man he really is. You can bring that out in him.”

“I'm going in there with her,” Brian told Randy. “I need to check on Lloyd, and I'll otherwise stay out of the way, but I'm not sending Evie in there alone—not in her condition. She's still shaken from seeing Holt in the first place.”

“I understand how you feel,” Randy told him, “but when it comes to Evie, Jake is a pushover, even when he's like this. She'll be fine.” She looked at Evie. “Try to get him out of there for a while, Evie. Send him to our room. I need my husband back. He has to understand we are in this
together
. He's got to share this with me and not keep it all to himself.”

Evie nodded. “I know.” She wiped at her eyes and took Brian's hand. Randy watched as they walked to the door to Lloyd's room. Brian knocked.

“Jake, its Brian. I have Evie with me.”

When there came no reply, Evie opened the door and marched inside.

Jake turned from the window as Evie rushed over to kneel beside her brother's bed. She took his hand and bowed her head and began praying, while Brian moved to the other side of the bed to get out his stethoscope and listen to Lloyd's heart. He checked the bandages for bleeding and felt Lloyd's forehead for fever.

“I changed the towels,” Jake told him, “and that pad underneath him. His bladder is still working okay. That's good, right?”

Brian checked under Lloyd's closed eyelids. “
Anything
that appears to be working right is a good sign.”

“You tell Katie that,” Jake told him, more in the tone of an order rather than a request. “For a while, taking care of him is going to be a lot of work, some of it backbreaking because of his size. The best thing she can do is stay in bed and hang on to that baby. I know she feels like she should be in here doing some of these things, but if he comes around and finds out she lost that baby, it's going to take him twice as long to recover…
if
he recovers.”

“I think she understands that, Jake.” Brian faced him. “But Dr. Cook and I will continue to help, and Gretta said her Sam can help, too. You can't keep doing this around the clock. It's going to catch up with you, and you're going to go right to the floor and be no help at all. You're killing yourself, just like you almost did when you rode like a maniac going after Evie, and you were nearly four years younger then.”

Jake looked at his daughter…his beautiful, precious daughter. “I couldn't save my mother, and I almost didn't save Evie. In fact, I
didn't
save her from those bastards before they—” He turned back to the window. “At least she lived. Lloyd might not. Either way, I can at least be here for him.”

Brian sighed. “How's that shoulder?”

“I'll live.”

“Well, whether you like it or not, I'm changing that bandage tomorrow. For now, I'm going to leave Evie alone with you for a while, because that's what she wants, but at the moment, being around you is like being around the loveless, hardened, wanted man you used to be, and she's not designed for that. She only knows the Jake who raised her, the Jake who loves almost
too
much.” He glanced at Evie as she rose from the other side of the bed and came around to sit on the edge of the bed closest to where Jake's chair was.

“You sure you want to stay here?” Brian asked her.

Evie watched her father, who stood with his back to her. “I'm sure.” Jake was wearing a pair of Lloyd's denim pants and Lloyd's favorite blue-paisley shirt. He'd refused to go back to his room to change into his own clothes. “I'm fine.” She turned to look at her husband. “It's okay. You can go.”

Scowling, Brian walked to the door. “I'll be in the next room, Jake. I'm going to give Randy something to help her sleep, but her best medicine would be getting her
husband
back. She needs holding, and not by any of the rest of us.” He spoke the words with the hint of an order, then started out.

“Brian,” Jake called.

Brian hesitated.

“Thank you.” Jake faced him. “I can't recall seeing you truly angry before, and I don't blame you. There were times when you were the one who held this family together, and right now you're doing it again. You're a hell of a doctor and a hell of a son-in-law…and a hell of a husband.”

Brian managed a hint of a smile. “I have a hell of a wife. She's behind pretty much everything I do.”

Brian left, and Evie covered her face with her hands. “Daddy, he's so good to me,” she said, softly crying.

Jake sighed deeply and sat down in the chair beside the bed, facing her. He set his gun on a table beside the bed. “Evie, I'm sorry for what you saw the other night.”

She wiped at her eyes and studied him, his dark eyes stricken with grief and anger. “I've never seen anything like what you did to that man. I know it was awful—him coming there to kill Lloyd. But when you shot him—” She shook her head. “I've seen you angry…but I've never seen the Jake you were back when you met Mother—the man you became when you put your gun to Mike Holt's head. I'm not even sure how Mother saw through that man, but I'm glad she did. All I know right now is that I don't like that other Jake. You still have so much rage down inside, Daddy, and I wish I could help you get rid of it.”

Jake rested his elbows on his knees. “Evie, sometimes that man
has
to come back in order to protect those he loves.”

“But you weren't like that after…after you found me at Dune Hollow.”

“Baby girl, I was
exactly
like that! You just didn't see the things I did before I got there. And after all the shooting and I grabbed you up, you were in too bad of shape to see the real Jake who'd come after you. The only thing that stopped me from killing every last one of them was you begging me not to, but I wanted to, Evie. I
wanted
to! When things like this happen, the old Jake immediately turns off all feeling. That's the only way I know how to survive the hurt.”

Evie reached out to take his hands, but he pulled away. She studied him sadly. “Daddy, the only way
I
survive is to forgive. You've still never learned how to do that, even though God has forgiven you for everything you did before Mother came along.”

Jake shook his head, the dark bitterness still there in his eyes. “When I was a little boy, I quickly learned that loving and forgiving didn't work if you wanted to survive, Evie. Hate and self-defense and learning not to care about anything—
that's
all that helped me.” He rose and walked to the window again, lighting a cigarette. “The old Jake is still down inside, Evie. He'll never really go away.” He took a deep drag on the cigarette. “You have to stop seeing me as perfect, because I am
far
from that. I can't let myself care about anything or anyone. This is what happens when I do.”

“But that's the whole point. You
do
care. It's okay to care, Daddy. And sometimes love does hurt, but God can—”

“Evie, don't! I can't…allow myself to think about it.”

Lloyd let out a deep groan. Jake turned and looked at him, then faced Evie. “Do you hear that? My son is in so much pain—pain he shouldn't be suffering! It rips my heart out every time I have to hold him down because of that pain. I can't stand seeing him suffer! I failed him, Evie! I failed my
son
! All those years we rode together and had each other's backs…and then we go to a simple, civilized affair, and he's gunned down right in front of me! That man took my precious son in cold blood, and I
killed
him in cold blood! The old Jake came roaring back, and he put a gun to that man's head and pulled the trigger! So now you know the man who fathered you, and you see why I can't believe something as good and beautiful as you even came from my seed. I am what I am, Evie, and everything I touch gets hurt.”

He walked back to the chair and reached over to snuff out the cigarette, then faced her again. “It should be
me
lying in that bed, Evie.
Me!
It should be…
me
! That's what my father would tell me, because I'm
worthless
. That young man lying in that bed is worth
ten
of me—a
hundred
of me!” His voice began to break, and he put his head in his hands.

Evie reached out and touched his hair, but he jerked away again. “Daddy, that man who raised you might have physically fathered you, but he's not your
real
father. Your real father loves you a hundred times more than you love me and Lloyd…a
thousand
times more! And He doesn't want you to hurt, and He knows you are worth all the gold in heaven. No human being can love as much as God Himself loves us, and He must love Jake Harkner an awful lot to have brought Mother into your life—and then Lloyd and me.
He's
your real father, and you don't need to put up all those walls around your heart, because God isn't going to take away any of the good things He's given you. Satan is trying real hard to keep you from all the love that surrounds you, by constantly bringing up the past, Daddy, but God is so much stronger than Satan…and so are you.”

Jake rubbed at his eyes and met her gaze. “There is just no getting through to you what I really am down inside, is there?”

“I
do
see that man, Daddy. I saw him when you put that gun to Mike Holt's head and pulled the trigger. But I refuse to recognize that man as my loving and gentle father. He's not the man who is married to the most devoted and gracious woman I know—the man who has grandchildren who need to see their grandpa come back home to the J&L, and when he does, they need him to be the only kind of man they've ever known as their grandfather.”

Jake sighed, rubbing at his eyes again. “Right now I hardly know that man.”

“He's there, Daddy, down inside you, and I pray for him all the time. You keep saying you should have died many times over. You
did
die. The old Jake died when he met my mother. And right now she's feeling so alone. Go in that other room, and you be with Mother. You hold her, and you show her that this time she doesn't have to suffer alone. Brian is going to bring Katie in here to spend some time with Lloyd. When he does, you go over there and talk to Mother.
Share
this with her. God gave her to you so you
could
share the hurt. This is hard for her, too, Daddy. What you're doing now is the same as when you yelled at her—or when you ride away every time something bad happens. You can't keep doing that to her. Lloyd wouldn't
want
you to, so go see her—for
his
sake. If he was able, he'd be scolding you something awful right now.”

Jake's eyes teared. “I can't—”

“Yes, you can! What you
can't
do is keep burying your feelings, because they are too strong and too deep now.
Pray
with me, Daddy. Take my hands. I'll do the praying, but you have to open your heart and believe Lloyd will live. You have such
powerful
emotions, Daddy. Put them into faith and prayer, and God will hear you. I pray for you all the time. Give me your hands and pray with me, Daddy.”

Jake put his head in his hands again. “No. I'm not a praying man.”

“And that's a lie! You wear your mother's crucifix all the time. Don't tell me you don't pray, Daddy. I know better! Give me your hands!” He still held his head, and Evie daringly reached out and grabbed his hands away. He jerked again, but she refused to let go. She met his eyes squarely. “Keep it up, and you'll hurt my arms!” she told him. “Is that what you want? To be that outlaw who hurts people? Or can I just hold the hands of my
father
? Which is it? I'm not afraid of either one!”

For a brief moment, Evie almost gasped at the look in his eyes—a glimpse of the man her mother met thirty years ago—the man who scared Randy so badly that she shot him. He suddenly softened then, his grip gentler. He rubbed the back of her hands with his thumbs. He leaned down then to rest his head against her hands. “I should go to her.”

“Yes, you should. But first we're going to pray, Daddy. I'm praying right now. I'm asking God to please, please let Lloyd live.” She squeezed her father's hands. “He's still so young, and he's such a good and loving son and brother, a good husband and father. Please, Lord, let him live. And protect my father. Bring him back from that dark place and show him the light. Help him understand You've forgiven his past and that all the good things around him now are Your blessings, and he deserves those blessings, because deep inside the man, there is that little boy who just wants to be loved, that little boy who never asked for all that horror. Help him see and accept all the love we have for him.”

Jake let go of her hands and rose. “Just pray for Lloyd, baby girl. I'll manage on my own.”

“God has been with you every step of the way, Daddy, and you don't even know it. Do you have any idea how hard God works to wrestle down that other man inside you? He's very difficult to deal with, but he doesn't scare God one bit, and he doesn't scare me either. I just realized Mom felt that way, too. She actually
met
that other Jake, and she stood right up to him, didn't she?”

He managed a smile. “Your mother can be quite the opponent once she decides to put up a fight. She's surprisingly brave and strong willed when she's mad, especially for someone so small.”

“And big, bad Jake Harkner wouldn't harm a hair on her head. If she came at you with a frying pan, the worst you would do is cover your head with your arms.”

“And I have no doubt she has fantasized about using that frying pan on me more than once.”

Evie took hope in the remark—a sign of the sense of humor her father possessed when his dark side retreated. She rose and faced him. “Go see her, Daddy. She needs you…the strong and sure husband you are, not that other man.”

Lloyd groaned again, but this time he called out, “Pa…” Jake hurried over to the side of the bed as Evie moved around to the other side, touching Lloyd's cheek.

“Lloyd? Hey, big brother, are you awake?” she asked softly.

Lloyd put a hand to his head and bent one knee.

“He moved his leg!” Jake exclaimed, grasping Lloyd's hand.

“Oh, Daddy, I
told
you prayer helps!”

Lloyd opened his eyes and stared blankly at both of them for a moment, then locked his gaze on Jake. “Pa?”

Jake leaned closer. “I'm here.”

Lloyd moaned. “Everything…hurts bad…real bad.”

“I know, Son. We can get more laudanum for you.”