Loving an Ugly Beast (5 page)

“What’s hurting me? I think this…
game
, this whatever you’re trying to prove or to plan, that’s what’s hurting me. So why don’t you tell me what your deal is so I don’t have to keep looking over my shoulder to see what you are up to.”

What had happened that she would take an offer of a man to a woman and
twist
it into this ugliness? He had done nothing to deserve the vitriol that cast its shadow now over her wonderfully familiar features.

There was no one in this world with lovelier eyes than Nissa, the violet darkened to the deep purple of twilight with her anger. This close to her, those eyes dark like they would be in passion, her sweet, fresh fragrance filling the air around them, this close to her his body trembled as desire struck, hard and thick and molten.

He lifted his hand, a slow, languid movement. She caught the motion but fear didn’t enter her expression. Instead, curiosity hit hard, and her face took on an almost academic mask as she pondered what he would do next.

One finger reached out and touched her temple. She startled but when she didn’t move away he let his finger roam, past the line of her sharp cheekbone and over her nose and its little bump. When he reached her mouth he stopped and studied her again.

The mask was gone from her features, and while her eyes were still dark and angry, anger wasn’t the only emotion adding depth to them. She swallowed and said, her voice harsh, “Don’t insult my intelligence. People who look like you
do not
have any interest in people who look like me, not without gaining something from it.”

He shook his head. “You’re wrong. I have every interest in you and all I have to gain is your companionship. And your intelligence is one of the traits I admire about you.” He took his finger away from her face, missing the warmth of her skin the moment he left it. However, he refused to step away from her. A shadow of remembered conversation between Nissa and Benton came to him, a frame of reference they had shared and she would understand. “When people speak around you, do they speak to you, or
at
you?”

Her lips parted on a sharp inhale of breath.

He continued. “They see this—” and he waved his hand above his face, “-and they discount this.” He pointed to his own temple.

Her gaze slid away for a few seconds, an unspoken admission of guilt.

“It’s not totally without cause. The Taras of the world are proof of that. I just don’t want that for myself. I want to be with people who will respect all parts of me.” A small laugh escaped him. “I’ve watched you, seen how you are treated. I think you and I deal with the same small-minded people always thinking the worst of us. I think you and I are more alike than me and Tara.”

She cleared her throat and pushed past him, away from the tree and away from the closeness of his body. “That may be, but it doesn’t explain why your interest in me started.”

It was time to bring a little levity back into their conversation. “Well, never let it be said I am not as prone to the foibles of human nature as any other being.”

“And what does that mean?”

“It means that anything different attracts our notice.”

Her head tilted as she thought over his words, until her head straightened and eyes widened as she realized what he was implying. “Your interest in me started because I was
indifferent
to you?”

“What can I say? That doesn’t happen to me.”

Her head fell forward into her hands. “I can’t believe this. I just wanted to stay far away from you, and I caught your eye in the process.”

Crossing his arms and leaning back against a tree, he affected an expression of wounded pride. “As thrilled as I am to have helped you solve your puzzle, I admit to being a little hurt you wanted to go to such great lengths to avoid me.”

She had the decency to blush at his words and her head ducked in shame. “I’m sorry,” she said, her words strong but her tone soft. “I judged you without knowing you. I had no right.”

“Don’t lose heart. You might find you are right about me yet.”

Nissa laughed, a full-belly laugh that shook her whole frame and rang out over the tops of the trees. She was glorious with the sparkle of mirth shining from her eyes and a smile that held nothing but goodwill.

She came back to herself slowly, a few quiet chuckles escaping before she sobered. Nissa glanced at him then, and whatever she saw on his face made the last of the smile fade from her lips and brought her hand up to her throat as her breath quickened.

He spoke without thinking, wanting her to know everything he had never been able to say as Benton, that he had been too
cowardly
to say as Benton. “I am drawn to you. I don’t know why, but it happened the first moment I saw you. It drives me crazy that you don’t see yourself as special, because I know the truth. Out of everyone here, you are one of the few who is truly worthy. Your goodness radiates from you. You bring joy and knowledge and bone-deep caring to every task you complete. You help everyone from toddlers to old men, and you treat them all with respect. You have the most wonderful laugh and I don’t think angels could have more beautiful eyes than yours. If this world was made of only people like you, heaven wouldn’t be necessary.”

Shock held her immobile, her eyes wide as she studied him while her hand covered her mouth. He swallowed, aware now that it might have been too much too soon.

Moments later, his fear was justified as she turned and ran.

Chapter Five

“He’s still watching me, isn’t he?”

Marie didn’t even bother to look over at the corner table where Byron was enjoying a solitary drink. “Yup.”

Nissa sighed but resisted the urge to drop her head against the top of the bar a few times. This was getting ridiculous.

Since the meeting at the cabin a few days ago, Byron’s determination to be around her had easily doubled. Wherever she was, he somehow managed to be close by.

Being constantly around the sexy artist was
not
helping her resolve not to have anything to do with him.

“Whhhhyyyy? Why?
Why
can’t he leave me alone?”

“Thanks for sharing the whining. With this baby due in a couple of weeks I
should
start getting used to that.”

“You are what we call not being supportive.”

“Fine, you want supportive?” Marie placed her hands flat against the bar and leaned as far forward as her huge belly would allow. “Maybe he just likes you.”

“I know he likes me! He told me so!”

“You give me a headache.” Marie said in a long-suffering voice and slapped her hand on her forehead. “Is this running away because you like Benton and don’t want to give this guy false hope?”

Well, there was that, though when Benton came home she was going to… do something really awful to him for leaving her without any warning and having to deal with this situation herself.

She missed him so much.
Missed
him. It was an ache in her chest that wouldn’t subside. There was a void where his scent and his voice and his sheer presence should reside. For the last three years his presence was one of the constants of her life. Even when he was gone on one of his trips he made arrangements for her to be safe and looked after while he was gone, and those acts of caring were daily reminders of him. Now she was alone with nothing, and as weirdly flattering as Byron’s pursuit of her was, it couldn’t begin to fill that hole.

Speaking of Byron. “It doesn’t make sense for him to pursue me. It just doesn’t make sense! Can you imagine what we would look like walking together, the disgusted looks we would get, the whispers of everyone asking why someone who looks like him is seen with someone who looks like me?”

“Anyone ever tell you for someone who doesn’t care about looks, you tend to obsess over looks an awful lot?”

“I do not!”

Marie pointed at her eyes. “Do you see these bags? These bags that are big enough to carry my whole wardrobe in and caused by a kicking baby who allows me only twenty minutes of sleep a night, and are why I will never let my husband tie me up in bed again? These bags clearly say I am too tired to care if you like what I say or not, so don’t come to me when you need validation of your self-delusions.”

“What you call self-delusion I call choosing to deal with reality and not bullshiting myself.”

Marie shrugged. “If that’s how you want to put it.”

Nissa shouldn’t be getting so upset with a pregnant woman, but these last weeks with Benton leaving and Byron appearing had taken their toll on her, not to mention Byron’s little speech at the cabin. What was he trying to achieve by saying that to her? “Why? What would you call it?” she challenged Marie.

“Warping your self-image to justify hiding from the world.”

“I do not!” That stung. She had never,
ever
, lied to herself about her looks or what they meant for her in society. Not here, and certainly not in the years before she’d arrived in the village.

“You won’t attempt a relationship with a guy who you
know
has feelings for you and who you are crazy about as well, and you use your looks as the excuse why it won’t work. What’s that if not hiding?”

“If you’re talking about Benton—”

“Hell yes I’m talking about Benton.” Maybe Marie’s lack of sleep was getting to her in other ways, because she was raising her voice and exhibiting a lack of control over her temper when she usually showed the opposite. “His feelings for you are real and out there for all to see. I’ve known him for years. Joseph knew him when they were soldiers, and we both told you that he is head over heels for you. But somehow you know better. You take the care he’s shown you, the dedication, the devotion, and you shunt it aside and won’t give him a chance, and the only reason you give on why he can’t love you is because of how you look. Do you know how
pathetic
that makes you sound?”

In the quiet following that outburst, overloud panting breaths were audible to anyone in the room. It wasn’t until she put her hand on her chest that Nissa realized the sound was coming from her. She turned away from Marie, rubbing her chest, as if that would be able to slow her lungs or heart.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Marie murmured, the crush of her tears overlaying every word. Nissa shook her head but couldn’t verbalize yet, didn’t even know what she was feeling to verbalize.

Nissa didn’t have the energy to keep her back straight or lift her head to look at her pregnant friend. “I’m going home now. I won’t be in tomorrow, but I will be back the day after. I’m not leaving, I just need time.”

Marie’s voice was grateful. “I understand. I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Just don’t get mad at yourself for what you said. You have the baby to consider, and I don’t want you losing more sleep due to worry.” Nissa took off her apron, leaving it over the stool she had been sitting on. “I’ll give what you said some thought. There may have been some truth mixed in with all the henpecking.”

“Whatever you decide, I’ll always back you up.”

“I know that. You more than proved that three years ago, and nothing you ever say to me can change that.”

“You have Nissa twisted up in knots. Was that your goal?”

Fifteen minutes ago, Nissa had left the tavern only halfway through her shift. For the first time since he’d started courting her, Byron did not follow her. He hadn’t heard the words, but it only took one look between the two friends to know that the explosion had devastated them.

Marie continued, answering her own question. “No, it wasn’t. It’s not all your fault, anyway. Another dolt of a man gets equal blame.”

He didn’t have to feign confusion for this conversation. “What are you talking about?”

“She’s so beautiful inside,” Marie said, and he wasn’t sure if she was ignoring his request for clarification or going the long route to get there. “She was so damaged when I first met her, but I could see it shining from within, even when she was bleeding emotionally.”

If there was a being in this world who loved Nissa even close to how much he did, it was Marie. He took a deep breath and said, “I only want to be near her and love her. I would never hurt her, not intentionally.”

“You’re not,” Marie assured him, patting his arm. “But you are a catalyst. That’s a good thing. I’ve been feeling for a while that something needed to change. I just couldn’t – or wouldn’t – play a part to bring it about.”

She seemed so wise and knowing, her body filled with new life, a mother to all. “How will this play out?”

“Who knows?” So much for the wise and knowing part. “Wildfires are necessary, but I wouldn’t want to be caught up in one, and dealing with the aftermath is a bitch.”

Marie was part wisdom, part rambling observations, and was obviously trying to deal with the fallout of the rare fight she had with Nissa, made worse by the pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep.

He decided to push a little, hoping this mixed-up mood might give some valuable insight. “What can I do to get Nissa to give me a chance?”

Marie placed her chin in her hand, studying him. “You are a beautiful man.”

“Shouldn’t that word be reserved for women?”

“No. Not when it fits so perfectly.” Her fingers strummed her cheek as she studied his features. “Nissa doesn’t trust beauty.”

Marie sounded so sure, so certain. This was a window into a part of Nissa he himself didn’t know, had never experienced. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe I phrased that wrong.” Marie stared into space for a few more minutes. “I’d say it’s more she doesn’t trust what beauty can drive people to. Because it’s an unknown variable, she deals with it by keeping it far away from her.”

“My understanding is Benton wasn’t beautiful.” There was something awkward, something wrong about talking about himself like this, as if he didn’t know every scar Benton possessed and every dream that ran through Benton’s mind at night, most of them the last three years surrounding a violet-eyed woman.

“You know about Benton? Never underestimate the gossip mill.” Marie got up and walked to the bar, coming back with a glass of water. She grimaced at it and muttered before taking a long drink “Wish this was something stronger right now.”