Loving Faith (8 page)

She knew that a lot of women in her situation would have just terminated the pregnancy, possibly without even telling the father. It would be easy to do, she knew. Matthew was scheduled to go to Nashville the following week to help a new ADA get caught up on a case he'd prosecuted. She would have the time to do it without him being any the wiser.

Her hand went to her belly, still flat, without a sign of the life that was growing inside her. She couldn't do it. She'd always said that if she got pregnant unexpectedly she wouldn't be able to terminate the pregnancy, but she'd had friends tell her that there was no way she could know until it happened to her. Now that it had, she found her convictions the same. As hard as it would be, she would have this baby, no matter the cost to her.

Faith pulled her legs up onto the couch and covered herself with an afghan. She was cold and it had nothing to do with the mid-October chill. She'd always considered herself to be a strong person, but now, she knew that she'd never truly been scared as an adult. The idea of being responsible for a living, breathing human being terrified her. What if she screwed up? She knew all too well how childhood could affect adulthood. If it hadn't been for her mother, she never would have turned out so well.

“Mama,” Faith couldn't hold back the half-sob. It didn't matter what her mother said. Even a scolding would be better than going through this alone. She picked up her phone from the coffee table and laid back down. As she dialed, she reached for a tissue from the box next to the couch. She didn't remember putting them there, but was thankful that she had. This was not going to be an easy phone call.

“Baby Girl, are you all right?” The concern in Ester's voice overrode any of the usual banter.

“Mama,” Faith's voice trembled.

“Faith?”

She had no other way to say it. “I'm pregnant.”

“Oh, Baby Girl.”

There was no trace of disappointment in her mother's voice and Faith closed her eyes in relief. Hot tears slipped down her cheeks as Ester continued.

“Are you okay?”

“I don't know,” Faith answered honestly. “I just know that I can't have an abortion, but I don't know how to do this.”

“Have you told Matthew?” Ester's question was cautious.

“No,” Faith sniffled. “I just found out myself.” She quickly explained what the doctor had said about the company that made her birth control pills. “I tried being careful, Mama, I really did.”

“I know that,” Ester replied. “This is just one of those things that no one can control.”

“You're not,” Faith forced herself to ask the question. “You're not mad at me?”

“Baby Girl, why would I be mad at you?” Ester gently chided.

“When Marcy got pregnant, you were furious. I remember.”

“Faith,” Ester's voice took on a firm, almost exasperated, tone. “Your cousin was a fifteen year-old sophomore who threw away her birth control and told her nineteen year-old boyfriend that he didn't need to wear a condom. She wanted to get pregnant and didn't care about dropping out of school. She thought that her boyfriend would marry her and they would play house together somewhere.”

“Oh,” Faith hadn't thought about that. She and Marcy had never been close even though they were only a few months apart in age. The last Faith had heard, Marcy had moved to Georgia with her newest boyfriend and her three children after being denied an extension of her state assistance by Tennessee.

“Faith Joy Williams, you are not your cousin,” Ester's voice was sharp. “This was not intentional, and even if it was, you are an adult. You have not only a high school diploma, but a college degree. You have a good job and your boyfriend is a lawyer, not a drop-out drug dealer with six other baby mamas.”

“But what if Matthew doesn't want a baby?” Now that she knew her mother wasn't angry with her, she allowed herself to give voice to the other fear gripping her heart.

“Then he will have no idea what he'll be missing,” Ester sounded so confident that Faith found her own fear ebbing. “But I think you need to give that man the benefit of the doubt, Baby Girl. I think he may surprise you.”

A knock at the door made Faith jump.

“Faith, babe, I heard you were sick,” Matthew's voice came through the door even as she heard him putting his key in the lock.

“Matthew's here,” Faith couldn't speak above a whisper. Her stomach plummeted as her heart began to race. She wasn't ready to tell him, but she couldn't lie. Not to his face. Not about this.

“You call me if you need me.”

Ester hung up before Faith could protest, before she could beg her mama not to make her do this alone. It was silly, she knew. She was an adult, not a child, and she needed to face this like one. The thought did little to comfort her as Matthew entered the apartment.

Faith sat up and drew the afghan around her shoulders in an almost protective gesture. The concern on Matthew's face deepened as he took in her haggard appearance, her ashen skin and what she was sure was an absolutely horrified expression in her eyes.

“Faith, are you okay?” Matthew immediately set down the bag he was carrying and hurried to her side. He sat on the edge of the coffee table facing her. “I stopped by your office to see if you wanted to go to a late lunch, but they said you'd called in sick, that you had the stomach flu.” He gestured to the bag behind him. “I brought you chicken soup.”

The kindness of the gesture and the sincerity in his voice was her undoing. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she found herself powerless to stop them.

“Faith, sweetie,” Matthew wrapped his arms around her as he moved to the couch.

He pulled her close and she buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent of his spicy body wash and the smell that was uniquely his, that scent that she would recognize anywhere. She clung to him, letting all of the tears of fear and frustration soak into his suit jacket. He slid a hand under her knees and pulled her onto his lap and held her as she cried, murmuring her name against her forehead.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed from when he'd arrived to the time she stopped crying, but when she looked up at Matthew, the look in his eyes spoke volumes. He pressed his lips against her forehead and then gently transferred her back to the couch. His expression was serious.

“This doesn't look like the stomach flu to me.”

Faith shook her head. A strange calmness had come over her and she felt her strength return, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. She could do this. “There's something we need to talk about, something important.”

“Just tell me,” Matthew's skin had paled beneath his fading summer tan. “Faith, what's wrong?”

“I'm pregnant.”

Silence. Matthew stared, mouth slightly open, eyes wide and filled with shock.

Faith continued, taking advantage of the silence to tell him her side of the story. “About a year ago, I changed brands of birth control. It was cheaper and supposed to be even safer. I was nauseous yesterday morning and throwing up this morning so I called off work thinking that I had the stomach bug that was going around. A couple hours later, I was feeling better enough to take a shower. That's when I saw a box of... well, let's just say I realized that I was three days late. I ran to the store and bought a pregnancy test. When it came back positive, I called my doctor and got an immediate appointment. Dr. Barrister told me that he'd just gotten a recall letter regarding the birth control medicine I was on. The FDA shut the company down because of lax standards. They were recommending that doctors contact their patients to change prescriptions and test for pregnancy because there was a possibility that the pills hadn't worked. Dr. Barrister did a test and it came back positive too.” The words came out in a rush.

“You're pregnant?” Matthew's voice was weak.

“I know this is unexpected,” Faith set the afghan aside. She was feeling stronger and more confident with every word. And I know that you and I never talked about the future, if we had one or if kids would ever be a part of it...”

“I've never told you about my family, have I?” Matthew interrupted, his tone soft and sad.

Faith wasn't entirely sure where this change of subject had come from, but if it helped Matthew work through the shock of the news, she'd go with it. Besides, despite all that was happening, she was curious to know more about her lover's past, the parts he didn't normally share.

“As far as I know, I'm an only child. I say 'as far as I know' because there could be brothers or sisters, half or whole, running around out there.”

Faith could tell how difficult this was for Matthew and reached for his hands. They were as cold as her own.

“I was six months old when a homeless man found me in an alley frequented by prostitutes. He took me to a hospital to treat me for malnutrition, dehydration and exposure. When I was healthy enough, I became a ward of the state. From what I understand, the police searched for a couple of weeks but never found any trace of who I was or where I'd come from. The most likely scenario is that my mother was a prostitute who decided that she couldn't take care of me anymore, or her pimp told her to get rid of me.” There was little emotion in his voice. “The foster system was overrun with kids so I was sent to a group home. I don't remember the first two, and by the time I was old enough to start counting, I'd been in half a dozen. I made the rounds, often returning to a prior home when a space opened up, but I never stayed anywhere more than a year at a stretch, usually six months. I aged out just after I graduated from high school, but I'd gotten a full scholarship that included room and board, so I was never without a place to stay.” His hands tightened on hers. “But I never had a home. Until I met you.”

Faith almost stopped breathing, the pounding of her heart deafening in her ears. Was he saying what she hoped or was she just reading into it what she wanted to hear?

“You're my family, Faith. I love you, and even though we didn't plan this, I'm happy,” he smiled, a soft, gentle smile that made his eyes glow. “I have a family. For the first time in my life, I have a family.”

Faith could barely believe what she was hearing. Not only wasn't Matthew mad, but he was happy that they were having a baby. She wasn't losing him.

“I was so scared,” she found herself confessing. “I was so scared that I was going to lose you, that you'd be angry.”

“Baby,” Matthew cupped her face in his hands. “I'm not going anywhere.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips firmly against hers. “But I think you should.” Faith gave him a puzzled look and he clarified. “I want you to move in with me. I want us to do this together.”

Faith's head spun. It was happening so fast. “Matthew, I don't want you doing this just because I'm pregnant.”

Matthew shook his head. “I've been wanting to ask you to move in with me for a while.”

“Really?” Faith hardly wanted to dare to hope.

“I've considered asking you pretty much every day since the middle of August. I just wasn't sure if you were ready. You're so independent,” Matthew placed his palm against Faith's stomach. “I hate it when we're apart and now that we're going to have a baby, I don't want to miss a moment of it. I want my family to be together.”

“Yes,” Faith nodded, a smile breaking across her face. “Yes, I'll move in with you.”

Matthew's smile went from soft to luminous. He slid his hand around her waist and pulled her towards him. His mouth slanted over hers, lips moving with determined purpose. His teeth scraped across her bottom lip and Faith moaned. Desire sparked, sudden and bright inside her.

She wanted this man. She wanted him not only because he was beautiful and his touch made her sing. She wanted him because of who he was. His self-confidence bordering on arrogance that was just a cover for a real vulnerability. The way he'd smile shyly when he didn't think anyone was watching. The strength it had taken to grow up that way and not lose all hope for love.

Matthew pulled back, gasping for breath and, suddenly, Faith was aware that she hadn't showered today. She flushed. “I need to get cleaned up.” She stood.