Loving Him Without Losing You (32 page)

We share leadership of the group and meet in a circle to remind us that we are all equal. Since we are all still learning about ourselves, no one can afford to take on the role of leader as a way of distracting herself from her own work.

We use the talking stick (a Native American tradition) to remind us that each person has something important to say, that we each deserve a turn at speaking, and that only one person speaks at a time.

We will endeavor to focus our entire attention on the person who is speak- ing, not allowing our minds to wander or our hearts to close. We know how painful it is to go unheard, unseen, and misunderstood, so we give our attention and our understanding as gifts whenever possible.

We refrain from giving advice to one another because we believe that deep inside, each woman knows what is best for her, and we want to encourage each woman to come to her own decisions.

We refrain from criticism and judgment of one another because we under- stand how it robs us all of our self-confidence, our trust in ourselves, and our ability to be strong and independent.

We offer our own experiences, not to take the focus off of someone else, not to show that we know best, but to let others know they are not alone, to help us feel connected with others, and to remind ourselves of our own issues.

We expect each woman in the group to be responsible for asking for what she needs from the group.

We hold each woman accountable for what she has stated she wants from the group and for her life. Therefore, if a woman is doing something counter to her stated objectives, we will point this out. While we all have a right to change our minds, we need to be aware that we are doing so.

Even though we have, in fact, been victimized by our families and by the way women are treated in our culture, we do not see ourselves as victims today, nor do we wish to continue to behave like victims. This means that whenever possible, we take responsibility for our actions, particularly when it comes to our relationship with men.

For more information about Empowerment Circles you can contact me in one of two ways:

• Visit me at my web site at www.BeverlyEngel.com.
  

• Write me at:
  

  P.O. Box 6412
  

  Los Osos, CA 93412-6412
  

  There is no one way to form a circle. Generally speaking, one learns to create and participate in circles by being a part of them. You will undoubtedly learn new ways of circling as you go along, but for some general guidelines for starting a circle, please refer to the following books:
  

• Calling the Circle
  by Christina Baldwin
  

• Wisdom Circles
  by Charles Garfield, Cindy Spring, and Sedonia Cahill
  

• Sacred Circles
  by Robin Deen Carnes and Sally Craig
  

• The Ceremonial Circle
  by Sedonia Cahill and Joshua Halpern
  

• Women Circling the Earth: Fostering Community, Healing, and Empowerment through Women’s Circles
  by Beverly Engel
  

  A P P E N D I X I I
  

  Women of Substance Support Groups
  

  E
  SPECIAL LY FOR
  T
  HOSE
  N
  EAR THE
  

  M
  IDDLE OF THE
  C
  ONTINUUM
  

  Those of you who fall near the middle of the continuum, especially those who were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child, will need to seek specialized treatment for this abuse before or in addition to working on your problem of losing yourself with men. Group therapy is especially beneficial for the treatment of such issues as sexual abuse as are twelve-step groups.
  

  Today we have twelve-step and other support groups for most addictive behaviors, including alcoholism, compulsive overeating, and sexual addiction, as well as for survivors of child sexual abuse, adult children of alcoholics, and the family and partners of alcoholics. For those of you who come from alco- holic or otherwise dysfunctional families, I strongly recommend that you look into these valuable resources.
  

  As part of your recovery process many of you may already be a member of one of these groups. If this is the case, I strongly encourage you to continue with these important groups.
  

  Women have always looked to one another for support whenever they begin to deal with their problems. Back in the 1980s, books on codependency such as
  Women Who Love Too Much
  inspired a network of support groups throughout the United States, Canada, and even abroad. While there are still groups for codependency (CODA) and a smattering of Women Who Love Too Much groups, these groups don’t address many of the issues we have focused on in this book, nor on the individuation process that is necessary to recover from the Disappearing Woman syndrome.
  

  For this reason, I strongly recommend you start or join a Woman of Sub- stance support group. At the time of the first printing of this book there are
  

  258
  

  already a few such groups, and as the years go by, there will be many others. Before starting a group of your own, make sure there isn’t already a group in your area. You can do this by either:
  

• logging on to my web site at:
  www.BeverlyEngel.com
  or
  

• writing me at: Beverly Engel
  

  P.O. Box 6412
  

  Los Osos, CA 93412-6412
  

  Starting Your Own Women of Substance Support Group
  

  There are several ways for you to get the word out that you are starting a Women of Substance support group. Begin by going to your local bookstore and asking if they are willing to donate space for your first meeting. Many bookstores are more than willing to hold such meetings because it brings women into their store. They will no doubt advertise the group in their store windows, their monthly flyer if they have one, and they may place announce- ments in local newspapers. (You can also ask the bookstore owner to call the publisher to set up a book signing to help get your group off the ground. If I am available I will come to your area, give a workshop, and help you get started.)
  

  Unfortunately, most bookstores don’t have a space that is private enough for ongoing meetings. Therefore, you’ll need to find a permanent space. Some of you may decide to meet in your homes. In addition, many churches and banks have rooms they rent out for very little money, and some banks offer meeting rooms free of charge to the public.
  

  It helps to place an ad in your local newspaper announcing the formation of your new group. Many local papers are willing to run such ads for little or no cost. Your ad might read something like this:
  

  Women, are you tired of losing yourself in your relationships with men? Tired of sacrificing your integrity, your values, your very soul to the men in your life? A free self-help group is now being formed based on the book
  Loving Him without Losing You.
  If you are interested, please call [give your first name and phone number] for more information and the location of the meeting.
  

  By running this ad only a few times you should be able to fill your group. The ideal number of members is seven to ten, but you can start with fewer women if necessary.
  

  You may also wish to put a notice on local bulletin boards and on the Internet.
  

  Your First Meeting
  

  The following suggestions will help you organize and conduct your first meeting:
  

  1. Start on time and end on time.
     An hour and a half is usually sufficient time, but you may wish to allot two hours if you have a larger group. Whatever time period you decide on, don’t allow your meetings to go overtime. Many Disappearing Women have thin boundaries and therefore need struc- ture and clear limits. Also, discovering how to stop losing yourself in rela- tionships takes time, so allowing your meetings to drag on won’t help anyone and may cause some members to burn out emotionally.
     

  2. Introduce yourself and state why you have started such a group and that you’d like the group to be an ongoing source of support for yourself and others.
     

  3. Emphasize that
     everything said at the meeting will be confidential.
     That means that members will never discuss what other people say in the meet- ings, nor share who was at the meeting. Suggest that everyone use only their first names when introducing themselves.
     

  4. Decide what the guidelines and rules of your group will be. To create a truly democratic group, each member should have a say in establishing its structure and guidelines. Begin by asking what each woman needs to feel safe. Each suggestion needs to be heard, honored, examined, and discussed. This process will begin the bonding experience.
     

     Your guidelines or rules empower each member to take full responsi- bility for how she interacts, behaves, and contributes to the group. It is especially helpful to have them written down and available to all members at the next meeting and to give to new members as they come in. Bring agreements up for review from time to time.
     

     The following are some basic guidelines that have proven to be effective for self-help support groups:
     

     • Commitment.
       Most groups function best if each person makes a com- mitment, which includes making the group a priority, making every
       

       attempt to attend every meeting, and notifying someone if they cannot attend.
       

     • Rotate leadership.
       To form a group, someone has to be responsible for initiating it, and since this person has such a commitment to the group, it is often assumed she will be the leader. Also, if the group meets at the home or office of the convener, more responsibility will naturally fall on that person, and this, too, can be interpreted as leadership. But experience has shown that rotating leadership works much better for these types of groups.
       

       Leadership should be rotated weekly or monthly. The leader is often the person who is hosting the meeting. It is the leader’s responsibility to start and end the meeting on time, to welcome any new members, and to make sure another leader is chosen for the next meeting. It is also the leader’s job to pick a topic if that is the group’s format.
       

     • No advice-giving.
       Sharing your experiences and what has worked for you is welcomed, but no one should advise another group member what she should do. If advice-giving occurs, it should be gently pointed out by other members.
       

     • No criticism.
       The group will only be of benefit to all members if there is a strong element of trust and acceptance. This means there should be no criticism or judgments about what another woman says, does, or doesn’t do, either when she is present or when she is absent from the group. Although members are free to ask for feedback, it should never be unsolicited. In my experience it is best if each woman clarifies at the time the specific type of feedback she wants.
       

     • Focus on yourself.
       Members need to learn to focus on themselves and their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors rather than on their part- ner. It is especially important that you not talk about your partner’s problems in an attempt to understand him or fix him.
       

     • No eating or drinking while the meeting is in progress.
       These things serve as distractions from your feelings. You may choose to serve refreshments after the group, but I suggest you don’t provide alcohol, since it distorts feelings and reactions and can be used as a crutch to avoid issues.
       

     • Some groups require that everyone read
       Loving Him without Losing You
       so you all start at the same level of awareness.
       Decide as a group whether you require this.
       

  5. Decide on the group format. Some groups like to use the structure of
     Loving Him without Losing You
     as their format, while others like to start out in a free-flowing way, simply having members share their stories and their issues. Still others prefer to have each meeting focused around a specific topic, such as:
     

     • how I lose myself in relationships;
       

     • my relationship patterns;
       

     • how my family history encouraged me to give myself away;
       

     • how our culture encourages women to lose themselves in relationships;
       

     • how I’ve lost my voice in my relationships with men;
       

     • why I’m so insecure with men;
       

     • how I handle my own anger and the anger of others;
       

     • how I take care of myself and meet my own needs.
       

  6. Begin the sharing by having everyone tell why they decided to come to the group and what they would like to achieve by attending the meetings. Ask that each woman limit her sharing to no more than five to ten minutes if the group is large. Emphasize that no one has to share if she doesn’t want to.
     

  7. After everyone who wished to talk has spoken, go back to anyone who wasn’t ready to talk before and gently ask if she would like to speak now. Make it clear that every woman is welcome whether or not she is ready to talk.
     

  8. Decide how often your group will meet, and set the time and the place for the next meeting. Obviously, a group that meets once a week, at least in the beginning, has a stronger chance of becoming a viable group. When a group meets regularly, it engenders a certain level of intimacy and trust, allowing for inner work that often does not occur otherwise. But because we all have such busy schedules, meeting weekly may be prohibitive for some people.
     

  9. Discuss whether more women should be invited to join your group and whether the women present should be able to invite other women.
     

  10. Close your meeting by holding hands and standing silently in a circle. Ask that each woman “look around you and see the support that is here.”
      

      Do not underestimate how important your guidelines are to group cohe- siveness and harmony. I recommend that you read your guidelines aloud at the beginning of each meeting. In that way, when someone new joins, she won’t feel as lost, and old members need to be reminded of the guidelines from time to time. Remember that what is best for the group is also best for each indi- vidual. And do not underestimate how powerful personal sharing can be in all of your lives.
      

      For Further Help
      

      If you’d like more help on how to start a Women of Substance support group, you can reach me in one of two ways:
      

      • Visit me at my web site at www.BeverlyEngel.com.
        

      • Write me at:
        

  P.O. Box 6412
  

  Los Osos, CA 93412-6412
  

  You may also request a list of support groups in your area, the names of women in your area who are interested in forming a new group, or announce a new group forming.
  

  A P P E N D I X I I I
  

  When You Need Professional Help
  

  F
  OR
  T
  HOSE
  W
  HO
  F
  ALL ON THE
  

  E
  XTREME
  E
  ND OF THE
  C
  ONTINUUM
  

  If you fall on the extreme end of the continuum you will need help that goes beyond the scope of this book. Although this book has hopefully helped you stop losing yourself in your relationships with men, for you to alleviate more of your fear of abandonment and your tendency to merge with others, you will need specialized long-term psychotherapy.
  

  If you were abused as a child you may suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and need to get help for this by seeking a therapist who specializes in working with abuse survivors. But in addition, many of you also suffer from either borderline tendencies or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This illness requires special treatment from a therapist who was specifically trained to work with this disorder.
  

  Like the Disappearing Woman Syndrome, Borderline Personality Disor- der has its own continuum. Those on the mild end of the BPD continuum may only suffer from “borderline tendencies,” whereas those on the extreme end may be so severely affected by the disorder that they spend a great deal of time in the hospital due to severe eating disorders, substance abuse, self-mutilation, or suicide attempts. Many of those who are closer to the middle of the con- tinuum, or those who are often called “high-functioning” borderlines, are often highly successful, well-liked people who act perfectly normal most of the time and probably only show their other side to those who are closest to them. Although they may feel the same way inside as the less-functioning borderline, they cover it up very well, often even from themselves.
  

  I briefly discussed Borderline Personality Disorder earlier in this book, but here I will further explain this personality disorder as well as how to find
  

  264
  

  a therapist who has training and experience in working with the disorder and what the therapy will entail.
  

  Be Open to the Possibility
  

  While many of you who read the criteria I presented in chapter 4, “The Disappearing Woman Continuum,” already suspect that you have Borderline Personality Disorder, others may be reluctant to assign yourself this diagno- sis. It isn’t easy to admit that you suffer from an extreme version of the Disappearing Woman syndrome or that you suffer from an extreme version of
  anything
  , for that matter. For this reason you may attempt to whitewash your problems. But isn’t it better to know what is wrong with you and to know the probable cause than to remain in a state of despair, wondering why you are the way you are, not thinking there is a way out?
  

  Up until now you have probably felt desperately alone and hopeless about your situation, like there was something horribly wrong with you that was beyond fixing. For this reason I believe it is far better to know what is caus- ing your problem and to know that there is help available.
  

  Only a trained psychotherapist specifically trained to work with this dis- order can give you an accurate diagnosis. But it is important for you to under- stand that you may have a specific psychological problem that requires more than this book can offer and that you may need very specific psychological help.
  

  Since lists such as the one I provided in chapter 4 can sometimes be con- fusing, to help you alleviate any lingering doubt as to how extreme your problem is, answer the following questions, being as honest with yourself as you can:
  

  1. Are most of your relationships unstable, chaotic, or intense?
     

  2. Are you desperately afraid of being alone?
     

  3. Do you suffer from extreme mood shifts that tend to only last a few hours at a time?
     

  4. Do you often experience intense and uncontrollable anger that is inap- propriate to the situation?
     

  5. Would you consider yourself self-destructive?
     

  6. Have you ever threatened or attempted suicide?
     

  7. Have you ever mutilated yourself by burning, cutting, or scratching your- self until you bled or were bruised or scarred?
     

  8. Do you abuse food, alcohol, or drugs?
     

  9. Do you suffer from compulsive overeating, spending, gambling, or shoplifting?
     

  10. Are you sexually promiscuous, or do you engage in sexual acts that are shame-inducing or potentially dangerous?
      

  11. Do you suffer from persistent confusion concerning self-image, sexual- ity, career choice, long-term goals, friendships, or values?
      

  12. Do you often feel empty or bored?
      

  These are characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. If you answered yes to more than five of the questions, you certainly fit the criteria to place you at the extreme end of the Disappearing Woman continuum and at the very least fit the criteria for what are called “borderline tendencies.”