Loving Him Without Losing You (9 page)

Back in our grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ time, a young woman tended to date several men at the same time. This gave her the opportunity to compare one man with another and to learn which type of man she preferred. Since the rules of social and sexual behavior were far different then, the cou- ple would spend their time socializing with other young people, attending dances, picnics, and parties. There was plenty of time for a woman to observe her suitor in various social situations and to determine whether they enjoyed the same activities. While I’m sure their hormones were as active as ours, because of social mores, they seldom acted on their impulses, at least in the beginning of the relationship, which allowed them to remain far more objec- tive as they got to know one another.

You owe it to yourself to take the time to get to know a man before embarking on a romantic relationship. Nowadays it is hard enough to make a relationship work because of the stresses of modern living. Why risk a bro- ken heart unnecessarily just because you jumped in too fast?

The Consequences of Instant Romance

1. One of the biggest problems with “instant romance” is that by the time you finally get to really know the man you’ve become involved with, you are already emotionally and sexually involved and can no longer be objective. This makes it nearly impossible for you to perceive the man for who he really is.
   

   In addition, Disappearing Women tend to perceive people as either all good or all bad. If they find themselves instantly attracted to a man, they tend to idealize him, put him on a pedestal where he can do no wrong, or justify any wrong he does. If you have someone on a pedestal, your view of him is obstructed and distorted—you’re simply not seeing the real person. Some men are very charismatic and very good at casting a spell over women. These men know women—they have studied them carefully and know exactly what women want and what they want to hear. Disappearing Women are particularly susceptible to such charmers, partly because they are hungry for attention and affirmation and partly because they tend to live in
   

   fantasy so much.
   

   By the same token, Disappearing Women tend to cast a pretty good spell themselves. They tend to present an idealized image of themselves to a man, appearing far more understanding, hip, flexible, or whatever, than they really are. When these two spellbinders get together it’s hard to tell who’s fooling whom.
   

2. If you don’t take your time to really get to know someone, you run the risk of being disappointed later, when you discover who he really is. Since you have probably idealized him in the first place, he’ll come tumbling down from his pedestal as soon as you get to know him, causing you to feel dev- astated. And you’ll no doubt resent him because you’ll feel he fooled you so much. Unfortunately, you’re probably so hooked into him by then or so emotionally dependent that you’ll find it difficult to leave.
   

3. Conversely, when he gets to know you, he may also be disappointed. He may feel that you’ve tricked him, that you “caught him” by presenting a false version of yourself. You’ll try even harder to please him, but since
   

   you really aren’t what he wanted in the first place, you’ll never be able to,
   

   even if you make yourself into someone else.
   

   If this scenario sounds all too familiar, you have even more reason to get to know a man before getting involved. Don’t continue to set yourself up by rushing blindly into even one more relationship. Determine that this time you are going to do it differently.
   

4. Another problem with instant romance is that instead of taking the time to get to know a man and determining whether they have much in com- mon and are compatible, many Disappearing Women base their decision on appearances (i.e., how he looks and how successful or powerful he appears to be) and/or on their immediate reaction toward him. Unfortu- nately, appearances can be deceiving, as can initial impressions.
   

While it is certainly important for women to trust their feelings and ini- tial instincts to a certain degree, we can’t always trust them when it comes to a man. First of all, our instincts or intuition can be clouded by our hormones, overshadowed by negative patterns of attraction based on childhood experi- ences, or distorted by feelings of insecurity or inadequacy.

In addition, many a woman has overridden her gut instincts when a man is particularly attractive, charismatic, sexy, or powerful. This was the case with my client Allison. Although she intuitively knew that she was going too fast and had too little information about the man, she found herself embark- ing on a whirlwind romance that ended very badly:

“Deep inside I knew I was taking a big risk with Hank. He was too smooth and too evasive about his background. But he was so handsome and so charming I guess I just got swept off my feet.

“I’ve always been insecure about my looks, so having a man as handsome as Hank fawning all over me was such a boost to my ego. He seemed devoted to me, calling me up every day, sending me flowers. And he didn’t stare at other women the way a lot of men do. When we were together his entire atten- tion was on me.”

Unfortunately, Hank turned out to be a con artist who swindled Allison and her friends out of a great deal of money. A so-called entrepreneur and inventor, he managed to get them to invest in what he convinced them was a sound business deal, only to skip town with all the investment money.

“When I found out that Hank’s attraction to me was based on the fact that I had connections with some wealthy people, I felt like such a fool. How could I have been so naive?”

Overriding your instincts and not listening to your inner voice is the first and most significant sign that you have begun to disappear in a relationship.

When a woman becomes invested in a relationship, whether it is because she has been lonely for a long time, because, like Allison, she feels unattractive or unlovable, because a man is particularly attractive or powerful, or because she has already had sex with him, she is far more likely to ignore her intuition and her better judgment.

“Love at First Sight” with Clearer Eyes

Instead of misinterpreting your feelings of instant attraction as the real thing, begin to view them with a more realistic, skeptical eye. If you are like most Disappearing Women, you can afford to be a bit skeptical when it comes to men and instant romance, and you certainly can’t afford to maintain a naive stance.

More often than not, love at first sight is actually symptomatic of one or more of the following:

1. Being caught up in an illusion or fantasy.
   

   Since you don’t really know this man, your feelings of “love” are no doubt based more on fantasy than reality, more on the illusion of who you want him to be than on who he really is. When you are caught up in this fantasy world, you tend to view everything that happens as “magical” and “special,” and this blinds you to the reality of what is actually happening.
   

2. Unfinished business from the past.
   

   Those who come from homes where their emotional needs were not met will often “fall in love” right away with a man who seems to offer the uncon- ditional love they are so hungry for. In actuality these women are looking for the “all good” parent, the parent they didn’t have but fantasized about having. However, no one is “all good,” no one loves unconditionally, and no one can give you now what you didn’t get as a child.
   

3. Evidence that you’re repeating a pattern.
   

   One of the reasons many women give for becoming involved so quickly with a man is that they feel so comfortable with him, like they’ve known him for years. The reason they feel this way is that they have known him for years, just in another form. They’ve been getting involved with people just like him all their lives.
   

   There is a story that is often told at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings: “If there is only one practicing alcoholic in a roomful of people at a party, a woman whose parents were alcoholic, who is codependent, or who is an
   

   alcoholic herself will walk into that party, take a look around, and make a bee- line for that one man, bypassing all the healthy men as she does so.”
   

   This is but one of the typical patterns that women repeat every day, mis- taking comfort or intense attraction for love when it is actually an unconscious attempt to rewrite the past. Examples of other common patterns are:
   

   • becoming attracted to someone because he reminds you of one or both of your parents;
     

   • becoming attracted to someone because he reminds you of another sig- nificant authority figure;
     

   • becoming attracted to someone who reminds you of an abuser.
     

     These patterns are based on our futile attempt to master and change what has already happened—that is, if you couldn’t get your parents to love you in the way you wanted or needed, you become involved with those who are very much like your parents and try to make
     them
     love you.
     

4. Avoidance of the pain of separation from parents (inability to individuate).
   

   Earlier I mentioned the process called individuation, in which a child grows up to develop a separate identity from her parents and other authority figures. Unfortunately, for many children, especially those who did not receive “good enough” parenting and those who were abused, this process becomes arrested at a certain age and they do not complete the individuation process. Since they have not developed a fully actualized, separate self, they have a tendency to merge with those they become emotionally involved with, seeking the connectedness they longed for as a child.
   

   Those who had parents who were too enmeshed with them, who did not encourage them to individuate but instead to remain dependent on them, also grow up having difficulties with individuation and they, too, can become attracted to men who are very much like their parent—in essence, replacing one parental figure for another.
   

5. Avoidance of the pain of separation or rejection from a previous lover.
   

   Sometimes a woman will become instantly attracted to a man because he reminds her of a past lover, in terms of the way he looks or behaves. In this way she not only “replaces” her lost love but also can avoid the pain of end- ing the previous relationship.
   

6. Your fear of being alone.
   

   Many women allow themselves to get swept up by a man who declares he’s fallen in love with them even though they don’t initially feel the same
   

   way. These women are often so afraid of being alone that they rationalize to themselves that it feels good to have a man be so crazy about them for a change and that his love will be contagious. In essence, these women are merely settling for what they can get instead of holding out for what they desire and deserve.
   

7. The desire to achieve power, talent, or wealth vicariously through some- one else.
   

Women, who still have to work much harder to achieve the kind of wealth, fame, and recognition that men do, tend to do the next-best thing: they become satellites to brighter stars, hoping that some of the brightness will shine on them.

In addition, many women have disowned their own power and therefore tend to envy the power that men so easily embrace and wield. This envy often manifests itself in a strange love/hate type of relationship wherein the woman is attracted to a man’s power but at the same time hates him for it.

Look Before You Leap

When you base your decision to get involved with a man on attraction only, you rob yourself of the benefit of vital information. As good as it may
feel
to be with a man, if you don’t know who he really is, you are essentially enter- ing into a relationship with a stranger.

Unfortunately, most women don’t give their love life as much respect as they do their money. Women who wouldn’t think of investing money without seriously investigating the situation will give their hearts away to a complete stranger.

An even better analogy might be that of buying a house. While you may “fall in love” with a house, you hopefully wouldn’t buy it without finding out more about it. You’d want to know all of the following: How old is the house? Are there any major problems with the roof? the plumbing? the electrical sys- tem? In fact, you’d hire a home inspector to rule out any major problems. You’d investigate what the neighborhood is like and whether homes in the area have gone up or down in value in the past several years.

The same should hold true for a relationship. Don’t allow the fact that you’ve “fallen in love” (or, more accurately, in lust) with a man blind you to finding out more about him—his family background, his relationship history, his work history, his plans for the future. For example, if having children is very important to you, find out if he eventually plans on having children.

While you don’t need to view every potential partner as a potential spouse

or a major risk, you do want to find out as much about him as you can to deter- mine if you and he are compatible and to rule out any potential problems.

Why take on a problem unnecessarily? For example, why would you want to allow your attraction to blind you to the fact that a man seems to drink too much, especially if you come from an alcoholic family? Maybe he’s just nervous around you, but why not share your own family background con- cerning alcoholism and check out his reaction? For example, you might say something like, “If you notice, I don’t drink. It’s because my father was an alcoholic, and I know it runs in the family.” If he ignores your comment completely, you may be in trouble. Follow up your comment with some rel- evant questions about his family and his feelings about drinking, such as, “What about your family? Are there any heavy drinkers or alcoholics?” If there are, ask him how he’s coped with the problem and whether he worries about becoming an alcoholic himself.

If you have a pattern of getting involved with men who are unfaithful, wouldn’t it seem like a smart thing to ask some questions concerning his dat- ing and relationship history? Asking questions such as, “What was the rea- son for the breakup?” can provide vital information and can be asked in such a way as not to make a man feel like he’s being interrogated. Start out slowly if he isn’t much of a talker by prefacing your questions with, “Do you mind talking about your relationships?” or “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’m interested in getting to know you.”