Loving Mr. Daniels (34 page)

I was depressed by the sun. The daylight stood for facing reality. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. My naked body slightly moved in the covers and I shut my eyes one last time. I allowed my mind to remember the night before with Daniel. How safe he’d made me feel, how freeing it had been when he’d loved me.

The sound of my cell phone going off from a text message made my eyes reappear. Sitting up in the bed, I rubbed the palms of my hands against my face. My eyes shifted to the spot next to me.
He’s still here.
It felt good to know that he was still there sleeping peacefully. For a while I just watched his breaths, the way they rose and fell against the sheets.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

I sat up more in bed at the sound of my phone going off three more times in a row. Reaching to the dresser next to the bed, I gasped.

Ryan’s fake cigarette box.

It was sitting next to my phone. I picked it up carefully, as if something terrible would happen if it were to break in my fingers.

I opened it, and inside was a note. The world began to spin. I couldn’t bring myself to read it.

My phone dinged again. My throat tightened. “Daniel, wake up.” I whispered it too softly and he hardly moved. “
Daniel
,” I hissed louder, unable to move. “Wake up!”

Ding.

Daniel turned over to find me shaking with the box in my hands. I knew I should’ve checked the phone for the incoming messages. But I couldn’t. I was afraid. His body shot up when he saw the worry in my eyes.

“What is it?”

“Something’s wrong,” I muttered. The shaking grew, and the fear deepened.

“Sweets…” He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Talk to me.”

“Check my phone,” I begged.

He reached across my body, his hand grazing across my stomach, and he grabbed my phone. When he flipped it opened, I saw his eyes studying the words. “They’re from Henry and Rebecca.”

“Read them to me please.”

“Ash, Rebecca wants you both to come home,” he said. “’Ash, where are you?’” He paused. “‘Ashlyn it’s Rebecca. Please, tell Ryan to come home…’” Paused. “‘Why are you two not answering? Please. Please. I’ve called fifteen times. Bring my baby boy home, please…’” Paused. “‘Ashlyn, are you two okay? We’re worried…’”

The messages went on and on. Rebecca wanted him to come home. She’d slept on it, realizing her mistakes.

But what if she realized them too late?

“He’s gone,” I cried, the box shaking in my fingers.

Daniel stared at me, lost by my reaction. “Ash…it’s okay. They want him to come back.” He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead, but I knew better than to be optimistic.

“No, it’s not.”

I continued sobbing, knowing something was wrong, feeling the same way I’d felt when Gabby…

I blinked hard. I couldn’t think about that.

“We need to get dressed,” Daniel ordered. He left the room and came back with my outfit from the day before. I couldn’t move from the bed. He started to dress me, adding on each article of clothing, one by one. Each time he added a piece, the heavier the situation felt.

We walked across the hall and of course Daniel’s bed was empty. “He’s gone, Daniel, I know he is.” He didn’t reply. When we looked out the front yard and saw that Hailey’s car was gone, I swore I heard him choke on air. He picked up a backpack that was lying open on the front porch.

“Did he have any money?” Daniel hissed.

My mind froze, confused. He repeated himself, this time harsher.

“Henry gave him three hundred dollars—”

“Jace…” he muttered before he ran off to the boat shed.

I hurried right behind him. The doors flew opened and Daniel marched onto the boat, never pausing to breathe. He picked up the money that was sitting on the deck. Three hundred bucks. His brother was laid out sleeping and Daniel began shaking him.

“Jace! I swear to God, if you did this…”

Jace opened his eyes, stirring. “What the hell are you doing?”

“You sold to a kid!
My student,
Jace!” He threw the empty backpack into his brother’s face. My face burned. My legs were numb. My stomach knotted. “Sarah’s accident wasn’t on you. Mom’s death wasn’t your fault. But I swear to God, if anything happens to that boy, it’s on you! It’s on you, Jace!”

Jace sat up, confused about his whereabouts at first. “What the hell are you talking about? Danny, I didn’t do anything—”

“We gotta go,” Daniel said, grabbing my arm to drag me out of the shed. “If he dies, Jace… If he dies, that’s on you!
That’s on you!
”

If he dies?

I started crying again.

Because I knew he was already dead.

#56. Let Him Go.

Ashlyn,

Last night I overheard Mr. Daniels fighting with his brother about some drugs. I borrowed some of the guy’s pills. Please let him know I left cash.

I wanted to wake you, but you looked happy next to him. He looked happier. Don’t let that happiness leave. If there’s anyone who deserves it, it’s you.

Can you burn the cardboard box for me? I no longer need the reminder.

Please tell Hailey I’m still here.

Always here.

-Ryan

Stars exploded and I was born. Please call me Tony.

~ Ryan Turner

The newspaper headline was an echo of his father’s.

Ryan Turner, son of Rebecca Turner, dies in a horrific car accident on the corner of Jefferson Avenue and Pine Street.

History sometimes repeated.

Tonight, souls cried both on earth and in heaven.

It doesn’t matter what you feel.

Just know the feelings are real.

~ Romeo’s Quest

The funeral was like all the others. Sad, painful, and wrapped in despair. Rebecca was in the corner speaking with the priest, and Henry stood greeting and thanking the guests who showed up. Which was a lot of guests—most of our senior class came.

I looked over and saw Avery standing with Hailey, tears rolling down his face. Hailey hugged him and didn’t dare tell him that everything was going to be okay.

“Hello, everyone. I am Father Evans. If we could all head inside, I believe we are ready to get started with the service.”

My hands smoothed over the black dress I’d worn to Gabby’s funeral, and I prided myself on my ability of not having cried thus far during the day. There were so many tears that had fallen in the hospital room, in the car, and in the house. So I promised myself to do my best to be the strong one in the church. When others broke down, I would stand strong for them.

The service went on, and many tears were shed from others. I sat in between Hailey and Rebecca in the front pew. Rebecca hadn’t said much since the accident, but I sat there squeezing her knee, which was rapidly tapping against the ground. I tried my best to read her emotions. She had to feel guilty for pushing Ryan away. For having isolated him in such a manner. She had to have wished it had been her in the car and not her baby boy. She had to be dead inside.

Blame wouldn’t do anyone any good though.

Not today.

It came time for people to give short speeches about Ryan and the short life he’d lived on this planet, and many stepped up, some cracking jokes, others cracking tears. I turned to Hailey, who’d told me earlier that she’d planned on saying a few words, but her gaze fell to the floor.

“I can’t… I can’t.” She wiped away a tear and stood, walking out of the church.

I didn’t know if I should follow her or aid Rebecca, whose shivers were growing more and more in-depth. Her breaths started picking up, and I felt as if a panic attack were about to overtake her.

Edging myself closer to her, I whispered into her ear, “He loved you. He still loves you. It’s okay to cry.”