LOW: A Rockstar Romance (28 page)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Madeline

My mother happily prattled on, with no idea that I was dying inside.

To look at me, you'd have no idea I was dying. But that was the problem. I was too damn happy. I felt my lips stretch into a smile again and again and again.  Every little aftershock, every memory of last night, was written all over my face. Everything was right at the surface, uncontained and unchecked.

Rane Wilder fucked the composure right out of me.

What the hell had I done?

"...certainly won't be wearing white. That ship sailed a while ago," my mother said, holding what looked like an embroidered table cloth up to her chest.

I tried to focus. "Twenty-three years ago?" I teased her.

She raised an eyebrow. "Your dad and I had a few...practice rounds...beforehand, Maddie."

I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Gross."

"But look at you. I'd say practice made perfect, wouldn't you agree?"

My mother beamed at me from over the rack of dresses, and I tried my best not to squirm like a guilty schoolgirl and confess my crimes right then and there. It was a strange emotion to feel when it came to my mother. Her love had always been so constant and unconditional that I never had reason for guilt. It was all I could do to keep a smile on my face and not fall to her feet and blurt out everything that Rane and I had done.

What we had done.
It felt like it was running on a loop on the back of my eyeballs. I was wide-eyed and staring, afraid to blink in case I saw his face again.

His face in the dark, the way his eyes closed in bliss every time his lips met mine. The delicious little noises he made, the fucking
enthusiasm
he showed. I'd been a celebrity my entire life, but last night was the first time I had ever felt
worshiped.

I had fallen apart, and he had scattered the pieces in front of us and declared them beautiful.

How was I going to give that up?

I have to give that up.

We have to stop.

Dammit. Mom was waiting for me to reply.

I summoned a smile from deep inside.
Focus. On her. This is not about you.
"There are quite a few people who'd disagree with you, Mom. Ainsley Fitch for one of them." My old agent had earned the nickname "Fitch the Bitch" after my mother found out about Ainsley's pharmaceutical methods of "loosening" fourteen-year-old me up, and once had to drag me bodily from a party I was way too young to be attending.

"Bitchy Fitchy is out of your life now, Madeline. Look at us. You're recovered. I'm getting married. I'd say the Cole girls have done pretty well for themselves."

"Yeah." My guilt still nipped at the edges of my brain, but there were few things that made me feel better than my mother's steadfast cheerleading.

"Now, what do you think of this one?"

There was a time that I could have afforded to dress my mother in designer duds for her wedding, but time and circumstances had brought us to an off-the-rack department store. I tried to tell myself it didn't matter, that she was happy as anything just to be finding a wedding dress, but part of me wanted to silently make up for last night's mistake with my sole remaining Black card.

The pale lilac gown was dripping with beads, far too heavy for my mother's thin frame. I wrinkled my nose. "Too busy. We want to look at you, not your gown."

"Mike likes me in pastels," she mused. "I don't know why. I think they make me look washed out."

"Try something warmer. How about this pink one?"

My mother cocked her head. "I used to not be able to wear pink, back when my hair was as bright as yours. But gray hair is a wonderful neutral." She laughed brightly and took the simple blush A-line from me. "Should I try it on?"

I clapped my hands. "Yes! Need help?"

"I can dress myself, Madeline. Heavens." She shook her head. "You don't need to wait on me."

But I do,
I didn't say. I just nodded and watched her slip into a dressing room, the excitement radiating from her face making her even more impossibly beautiful than usual.

I wanted to hold her tightly, even as I wanted so badly to be able to let her go.  Could I let her go? For years, she had been known only as Maddie Cole's mom. She was Sylvia Cole, soon to be Sylvia Wilder, a name she was choosing for herself. I should be happy for that. Why did I feel like I was losing something integral, like a limb?

"You good in there?" I asked anxiously, knocking on the door.

The door swung open slowly, and my mother stood in front of me, twisting her hands. "It's too much, right?"

I closed my mouth with an audible pop. "Oh, Mom…" I breathed.

"Too much, right?"

I shook my head. "You look… You look beautiful."

Her eyes shone with joy. "I've just… It's so fancy."

"It's a wedding," I clarified. "Weddings are fancy. Even courtroom weddings are worthy of a pretty dress. Do you like it?"

"I think I do. I'm just trying to get used to that woman in the mirror." She fluffed out the draping skirt and swiveled side to side, watching it swirl around her calves.

She looked like a little girl. A happy little girl playing dress-up and feeling beautiful. Something caught in my voice as I told her, "That woman in the mirror is you. You're beautiful, Mom. You should wear something that makes you feel as beautiful as you are."

She squeezed my upper arm, her eyes shining. "My little girl."

"If you start crying, I'm going to start crying, and then we'll both be wrecks," I warned her. "That's what always happens."

She laughed a little. "Fair enough." She turned back to the mirror and smoothed the blush pink over her hips. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this. Getting married, at my age? I never thought the day would come. When your dad d—" She always stumbled over the word, had to psych herself up to say it. "When your dad died," she continued, clearing her throat, "I thought the part of me that could love a man died with him." She looked in the mirror, blinking. Then she exhaled, lifting her chin, a mannerism I recognized from seeing myself do it in the mirror several thousand times. "And I was so busy raising you, being a mother to you. Now that you're older, now that you're better…" She turned to me and gave me a look of such pure love that it pierced me. "I have to say that a part of me wanted to keep you young forever, needing me forever. But seeing you, how well you're doing, how you’re taking charge of your own life...." She brushed my cheek with her fingertips. "I finally trust that you don't need me anymore. That's the only reason I told Mike 'yes.'"

Hold yourself together, Maddie. Don't show her how badly you fall apart when you lose control. Let her think she isn't needed; it's the only way she'll do this.
"I'm so grateful for that, Maddie," she went on, oblivious to my torment. "I'm so proud of you."

I stuttered and stammered for a moment.
First last night's breakdown, and now this.
Emotion was threatening me at every turn, too big to be stuffed back down inside. Everything felt too close to the surface. I needed to walk away before it overwhelmed me. I needed her to stop looking at me like the sun rose and set on my say so.

I needed to never see Rane again.

"Get out of the dress," I squeaked. "I'm paying."

"Oh, Maddie, no, no. You don't have to do that...." She fluttered about, protesting, but in the end squeezed my hand and went back into the dressing room to carefully rehang her wedding dress on its hanger and smilingly hand it to me.

As I took it to the counter to pay, I could feel my phone vibrating away in my bag. I set it down, fished out my wallet and glanced at the barrage of text messages that were still incoming.

"
So, I feel terrible about bailing on girls’ night
," the text from Harlow read. 

"Come over tonight
.

Meet my wayward man and his idiot friends.

I'll make gimlets
.

This is me tempting you with vodka right now.

Is it working?"

"Everything okay?" My mother squeezed my upper arm, dressed once more in her light cowl-necked sweater and no-nonsense jeans.

I tucked the phone back into my purse. "Just a friend inviting me over tonight."

There was no way of missing how my mother's eyes lit up at the mention of the word friend. She never said anything, but I knew she hated how isolated I had been ever since I got out of therapy. "Are you going?"

I took the phone back out, watching Harlow's increasingly belligerent invitations scroll across my screen. "Yeah, I think I will," I told my mom. "Sounds like fun."

A party. That would be the perfect antidote to the storm that was raging inside of me. I texted Harlow back before she blew up my phone

"
Thanks. I need it
."

Chapter Twenty-Three

Rane

My brother bounded up the stairs to Harlow's front door and jammed his finger in the doorbell.

I hung back and shoved my hands in my pockets. Harlow had a nice little place here, a tidy little red bungalow with a few hanging plants on the porch. It was a chick place, through and through.

The door opened, and instead of a chick, we were greeted by a wildly grinning ghost of a guy.

"The prodigal son has returned," Keir crowed, yanking Casper in for a bro hug and clapping him on the back.

Casper let out a small 'oof' as Keir socked him in the gut. My brother's version of affection always left bruises.

I knew enough to stay clear until Keir was done. "I'm surprised you're even still alive," I called from the stoop. "Harlow must really like you, for some reason."

I heard Harlow cackle from inside, and Casper looked down at his shoes and shuffled a little. "I was trying to keep the surprise," he protested weakly. He was still as pale as ever, in spite of having spent some quality time on the beaches of Spain while on tour, but I could see a telltale blush at the tips of his ears. "Maybe my execution wasn't all that great," he confessed, rubbing the back of his neck. "She kissed me and then she almost did kill me. Come on in, guys."

"If Jax pulled what you pulled, I would've taken off his balls," came a voice from the couch.

I turned to see a tiny chick, just about the size of a child, rising from the couch. "Casper, if you're grabbing drinks, I'll have a Jack and Coke." She turned to us. "Lily," she said, extending her hand. "Since no one around here likes to do actual introductions."

I grinned at her. A little spitfire, I liked her already. "Rane Wilder.  Don't be frightened of the hideous troll over there. That's just my brother, Keir."

I was saved from getting tackled by a voice calling out, "The Wilder brothers? In the flesh?"

Something was definitely familiar about that voice, but I didn't place it until he came out of the kitchen carrying a beer and Solo cup. Then I recognized his face and the blue hair and even bluer eyes that graced every music rag that didn't have Keir and me already on the cover.

I held out my hand. "Jaxson Blue, it's great to finally meet you," I told him, and I meant it. He might have been a teeny-bopper, but there was no denying the kid had chops.

He pulled Lily in to his side, handed her the cup, then shook my hand. "You too, Rane. Big fan of yours."

He was taller than I expected, younger than I expected, and he tucked his arm around Lily with more love and protectiveness than I expected. "Appreciate that, man. So, tour's on break for you guys? Is life going to slow down for you anytime soon?"

"I don't really do slow," he said, affecting a rather arrogant posture.

His girl socked him in the arm. "Don't be a cocky asshole," she told him. "Rane's in the same business as you. He doesn't find you impressive."

I hid my laugh behind a cough, but Jax just looked down at her fondly. "What would I do without you?" he said.

"Be insufferable?" Harlow piped up from the kitchen.

"So, how do you two know Ghostie here?" Jax asked.

"Casper was our secret weapon in the studio," I started explaining.

"Until you snagged him away from us," Keir interrupted with a fake glower.

"Pay me more, then," Casper grinned, stepping neatly to Jax's side. "I'm easily swayed by fat stacks of cash."

"How about you spend some of them on your long-suffering girlfriend?" Harlow needled.

I was just about to add something when the doorbell rang. Harlow went from glaring at Casper to grinning widely. "Oh, that must be my new friend. Rane, I think you know her?" She cocked a significant eyebrow.

All the moisture fled my mouth as she opened the door, so I could only croak. "Maddie." The croak earned me another significant eyebrow, this one from my brother who always managed to be right
there.

Maddie caught me staring at her and looked away, her hair falling in a curtain along her jaw, obscuring her eyes and lips. Which made it easier to be in the room with her.

"Thanks for coming, Maddie," Harlow said, a little too loudly. She gestured around the room. "You already met Keir. This is Jaxson Blue, who's owned by Liliana here. Casper belongs to me. And Rane, of course, belongs to..."

"Nice to meet you." Maddie stepped neatly past Harlow and extended her hand to Jax. Only then did I start breathing again.

Maddie tucked her hair behind her ear, once more exposing her eyes and lips to me. I quickly turned away. "What are you drinking, Maddie?" I asked tightly. "I'll grab it."

"No, I'm making us gimlets. Don't you touch my set-up, Drizzle. You stay here." Harlow fluttered back into the kitchen, clearly reveling in playing hostess. And fucking matchmaker.

"Good to see you again," Maddie said to Keir. She hadn't yet acknowledged my presence.

Keir looked like he was ready to burst, but he took her hand anyway. "Hey there, Maddie," he said, looking everywhere but directly into her eye. "Nice work the other day."

"Thanks!" she answered brightly. "And I had a lot of fun at the gig last night.

Then a flush crawled up her cheeks and set the tips of her ears alight.

The gig last night.

I knew she was remembering. There was no way she wasn't remembering, because I hadn't stopped thinking about it for a single moment since it happened. The way she had felt, her skin against mine. The way her cries still echoed into my brain, drowning out all rational thought. "We can't do this anymore…" she had told me, but fuck if that wasn't the only thing I wanted to do—for the rest of my damn life.

Luckily for both of us, Keir still had his eyes firmly fixed on Harlow's area rug and wasn't watching our mutual freak-outs. "Thanks," he muttered. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets and made for the front door, probably needing to sneak a quick cigarette. I wasn't the only one who lied about quitting.

"Gimlets!" Harlow called, rattling the ice cubes in the glass. "So, this is the first time I've ever made them, and I have no idea if they’re any good, but I hope you like them anyway…"

Maddie cut her off by practically diving for hers. She downed half the glass in one gulp. "Perfect. You did really good." She smiled at the beaming Harlow. Harlow raised her glass and draped her arm around Casper, who slid his hands into her front pockets before folding her into him. I looked away before I interrupted the rest of their private reunion.

Maddie had turned, too, and looked at Lily. Her eyes went wide. "Oh my gosh, what a gorgeous ring!"

Tough little Lily actually looked sweet for a moment. "Thanks," she said shyly. She glanced up at Jax, shooting him the sort of worshipful look every man secretly hoped his woman wore when looking at him.

I felt something odd slide around in my chest.

"When are you two getting married?" Maddie asked, all girlish excitement.

"Haven't set a date yet," Jax said. "Gotta finish the tour and let things wind down from when our parents got—"

Lily elbowed him in the ribs, and he closed his mouth with a pop.

The topic of weddings was awkward enough. I would have taken that as my cue to shut the fuck up, but Maddie seemed unable to stop talking. "My mother's getting married. Next week, actually." Her eyes went far away for a second, and I drained half of my beer. "Just a little ceremony in a courthouse, then a barbecue afterward."

"Oh, how sweet!" Lily gushed. "I love second chances at love."

"That sounds like my kind of wedding," Jax muttered.

All this wedding talk was giving me serious indigestion. "Hey, Jax!" I called, desperate to nip this topic in the bud. "Have you ever considered doing guest vocals?"

Jax shifted on the couch and looked at me, clearly intrigued. "Can't say that I have… But I wouldn't be adverse to it."

"How would you feel about laying down some tracks for us?" I was grasping at straws here. Winging it, trying desperately to get Maddie off the topic of weddings… And parents… And family relationships....

There was no mistaking the serious delight on Jaxson's face. He may have been an arrogant prick on the outside, but dude knew a good thing when he was looking at it. "It'd have to be in the next couple of days," he said, counting on his fingers. "But yeah, I'm looking to head in a new direction, and working with Ruthless… Shit, man, that'd be great."

Keir is going to kill me.

"No problem. Give me your number, we'll grab some time this week."

"How do you feel about significant others hanging around?" Lily asked me.

"More the merrier," I said. I had no idea why I was still talking.

"Are you coming by, too?" Lily asked Maddie. “I don't want to be the only possessive girlfriend keeping an eye on her man." She elbowed Jax in the side and he laughed.

"Like there even are any other women…" he murmured in her ear.

Maddie looked like she had been turned into a statue. "Oh, I'm not his…"

"Please come," Lily begged, fending off Jax's groping easily. "I've spent the last two months holed up alone in hotel rooms, waiting for him to be done with his shows. I'm sick and tired of talking only to him." Jax was laughing even harder now.

Maddie looked at me, silent, pleading. She wanted to back off but didn't know how, and I wasn't about to let her off the hook. If she was trying to avoid me, I wasn't going to make it easy on her.
We can't do this anymore, huh, Maddie? Seems like everyone else in the world thinks we can...and should.

"You should come," I told her, feeling decidedly evil and not caring one bit either way.

If she could have killed me with her eyes, I would have been struck dead before I even hit the floor. But as I watched, Maddie pulled herself together, drawing her spine straighter and letting the mask slam down on her face. "Sure," she said, licking her lips and laughing lightly. "Sounds like fun."

"I'll call you," I told her, needing to seal the deal.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?" she asked.

I didn't want to talk. I had already won by making sure that she had to see me again. I didn't want to give her a chance to back out, run away, slam the lid down on herself before I got to see underneath again. But with Jax and Lily sitting there watching the two of us expectantly, I had no choice.

"Sure," I said, standing up and following her to the kitchen, just as Keir came back in the front door, tucking his cell back into his pocket.