Luck of the Draw (Xanth) (23 page)

“So we can ignore the illusions and move on,” Pose said.

That seemed to make sense. But Arsenal had a caveat. “Ignoring illusions can be dangerous. They could cover a bottomless pit. This could be a threat of another nature. We need to be sure this path is firm before we risk it.”

“Good point,” Pose said. “Fortunately I can verify it. I won’t be hurt by a pit.” He flickered. “No pit. We can proceed.”

They mounted their trikes and started forward. More zombies appeared, barring their way. Arsenal pedaled harder and plowed right into them.

The zombies collapsed into a slushy pile of pieces. The trikes rolled right over them. In barely two moments they were across the graveyard and zooming along the path beyond. They had made it through. Even the rotting bits of flesh that covered the trikes faded out, unable to maintain themselves apart from their original illusion.

“I’m glad we didn’t have to desecrate a real graveyard,” Mindy said.

“You and me both, honey,” Piper said. “A zombie curse could be unpleasant, to say the least.”

Bryce agreed. He was still learning things about the devious bypaths of magic. What would a zombie curse do—start turning a person into a zombie? He hoped never to find out.

Now at last they reached the Trollway. There was a gate across the path with a sign:
STOP. PAY TROLL.
Bryce repressed a smile.

They stopped. “Now we have to decide what we want,” Piper said. “I have small change, but not enough for the Autotroll.”

“Can we bargain?” Pose asked.

“With what?”

“Our talents,” Bryce suggested. “Piper can play music marvelously well. Arsenal could demonstrate military techniques. The girls could dance. We just might be able to put together a—a traveling minstrel show.”

They considered. “I have tried to maintain human form and limitations, generally,” Pose said. “But I am a demon. I could assume the form of a stage for a performance by the others.”

“Or a pet, or monster,” Bryce said. “Whatever props are needed.”

“So the rest of us have roles,” Pose said. “What about you, Bryce?”

Bryce sighed. “Since I have no real talent to contribute, I think I had better be the Master of Ceremonies.”

The others laughed. “Then go make our case,” Arsenal said.

Bryce approached the troll booth. “We are a group of six who would like to purchase passage on the Autotroll for the farthest tip of the Panhandle. We doubt we have sufficient payment, so we would like to earn our passage by becoming an entertainment troupe. We have assorted skills that may suffice.”

“Give a sample,” the troll said.

“Piper?” Bryce said.

Piper brought out his piccolo and played a fetching little melody. It was completely delightful and they all listened appreciatively.

“Passage granted,” the troll said. “Your party will remain on the Autotroll as long as the travelers are satisfied with your offerings. Thereafter you will be ejected. Fair enough?”

It was evident that the trolls did not fool around with loafers. “Fair enough,” Bryce agreed.

“Food and a private chamber with amenities will be provided as part of your fare.”

More than fair enough. “Thank you,” Bryce said.

The troll’s almost lipless mouth quirked in an approximation of a smile. “We were advised you were coming.”

Oh? But of course their struggle with the path illusions could have alerted local folk, one of whom could have reported to the trolls. There was no point in being unduly suspicious.

It wasn’t long before the Autotroll arrived. It steamed along tracks in the center of the Trollway, a full-blown old-style train of the type seldom seen anymore in Mundania. It had a steam engine, a coal car, six passenger cars, six sleeper cars, a dining car, six freight cars, a car marked
REVUE
, and a caboose. It was impressive.

It braked to a halt almost where they stood. A set of steps folded down from the front end of the first passenger car. “All aboard!” the trollductor called.

They boarded, carrying their folded trikes. A porter troll put tags on the trikes for storage in a freight car, and they were shown to their chamber. This was a nice if compact room with seats, fold-down beds, a table, and two windows looking out on the landscape that was now moving back as the train chugged back up to cruising velocity.

“But we can’t relax yet,” Bryce said. “We need to get our act together so we can satisfy the other passengers. Pose, can you form into supported curtains we can open and close to define our acts?”

The demon was replaced by a set of heavy curtains.

“Good,” Bryce said. “We can have Piper play pleasant melodies to accompany the acts. Arsenal, can you show off your weaponry without doing damage to the furniture?”

“Oh, yes.”

“And the women.” Bryce paused. “I was thinking you could don matching dresses and dance, but I don’t know if you have them, or whether Mindy should participate.”

“I can’t participate in your Challenges,” Mindy said. “But this is the in-between traveling. I like to dance anyway.”

“I don’t,” Anna said. “I don’t like flashing my panties either. I had to do it for the other trolls and Lucky’s Quest, but don’t want to do it here.”

“You don’t have to,” Mindy said. “The right costume has petticoats that obscure things so that you only
seem
to flash. Let’s see whether the trolls have provided what we need.” She delved into a chest in the corner. “Yes, they have.” She drew out piles of crinkly white material. “Close your eyes, men.”

The men did. Bryce thought of how such a stricture was pure courtesy in Mundania, but necessary in Xanth, where panty magic could and did freak out men.

“Okay,” Mindy said after two and a half moments.

They looked. Now the girls were in identical outfits, with blue ribbons in their hair, lovely red dresses, and flaring skirts that seemed to be solidly filled with the crinkly petticoats.

“Now we need to work out a dance,” Bryce said. “Something that will divert viewers male and female without being too daring.”

“No need,” Piper said. “I will play dance music.”

“But they need to agree on steps so they can be together,” Bryce said.

“No. My music is magic. I will demonstrate.”

Piper lifted his pipe and started playing. Both girls immediately started dancing. They were in perfect step, and the dance motions enhanced their femininity and made them quite attractive.

“Wow!” Anna said as they finished. “That melody just took over my body and made it perform.”

“But it must be limited,” Piper said. “Because they are not in condition for a long strenuous dance. But it should do for the brief acts we will put on.”

“Indeed it should,” Bryce agreed, impressed.

A troll appeared. “Time for your first show,” he said. “Follow me to the revue car.”

They did. The revue car had seats on one end, while the other end was clear. Evidently there had been acts performed before, so the Autotroll was well set up.

Their first audience consisted of an assortment of humans, elves, and off-duty trolls. This was probably more of a test case, to be sure the entertainment was worthwhile.

“Pose,” Bryce murmured.

The demon became the curtains, separating them from the audience.

Bryce parted the curtains and stepped out to face the audience. “First we will entertain you with a fetching melody,” he said. “Piper?”

Piper stepped out, and Bryce went back behind the curtains. Piper did indeed play a fetching melody; they could hear the audience’s toes tapping to its beat. It was the warm-up for the show, putting the listeners in the mood for more.

But meanwhile Bryce was setting up the next act. “Arsenal, you’re next.”

“Stay out with me,” Arsenal said. “I need a person to demonstrate against, for best effect.”

“Okay.”

The melody finished. Bryce stepped out. “Thank you, Piper,” he said, and Piper retreated behind the curtain. “Our next act is a demonstration of swordcraft.” He faced back. “Arsenal?”

Arsenal came out. He drew his sword and stabbed at Bryce before he could move. Bryce suffered a momentary heart seizure, then realized that the thrust had not scored. The audience reacted similarly, thinking they had seen a murder onstage before realizing it was part of the act.

Bryce clapped a hand to his gut where he had not been stabbed. “Thank you for your restraint,” he said to Arsenal. “I know my presentation leaves something to be desired, but I didn’t think it was
that
bad.”

The audience burst into relieved laughter. Bryce, almost without trying to, had made a public joke.

Arsenal swung the sword at Bryce’s neck. Again, it seemed like death, but again there was no contact. The man had excellent control. There was another gasp from the audience.

“I’m going to need my head to finish this act,” Bryce said. “Don’t forget.”

There was another burst of laughter.

Thereafter Arsenal attacked Bryce with every kind of stab and cut, never touching his skin. Then he sheathed the sword and drew out a knife. He flipped it in the air, and caught it. Then he drew a second knife, and a third, juggling them impressively while Bryce continued with spot humor. He was a stand-up comedian, something he had never anticipated. It seemed to have been brought out by his nervousness about the attacks.

Finally Arsenal brought out what looked like a small bomb. He dropped it on the floor. It detonated with a loud pop and exploded into a puff of black smoke. Bryce stepped back in mock alarm. “Thank you,” Bryce said, fanning smoke away from himself. “I’m glad I caught you in a good mood!”

More laughter. The military exhibit was done, and the audience had evidently enjoyed it.

“Next we have an exhibition of dancing,” Bryce said. “Girls?”

Anna and Mindy emerged from the curtains, looking almost like twins in their matching costumes.

“Piper?” Bryce said.

Piper started to play from behind the curtain. The girls danced. It was every bit as impressive as before. More so, because this time they did some brief leg lifts toward the audience, gaining intense attention from the males, though Bryce knew that they were not seeing nearly as much as they thought, because of the obscuring petticoats. Bryce saw that the females were paying as much attention as the males, perhaps for different reason: studying the costumes, the dance, and the effect of the masked leg lifts.

The dance concluded with a deep bow by both women, and Bryce realized that there was a petticoat effect masking their bosoms so that their breasts did not actually show. But the audience thought they showed, and applauded appreciatively.

“Thank you,” Bryce said. “You’ve been a great audience! Perhaps we’ll meet again soon.”

They retreated behind the curtains to prolonged applause. Their first show had been a rousing success.

Even the truculent troll conceded as much as he guided them back to their chamber. “Good job. Your next performance will be before another audience in an hour.”

Back alone, they more or less collapsed. “That was wonderful!” Anna exclaimed. “Never in my dreams did I ever perform like that for anyone, let alone before an audience. That magic piping made it possible.” She half flung herself on Piper and kissed him on the cheek. He looked startled but appreciative.

“Your ad libs helped enliven it,” Arsenal said. “The more you talked, the more they liked me.”

“We make a good troupe,” Piper said.

But they had hardly relaxed before the troll was back. “Something has occurred.” He looked at Piper. “You are evidently a skilled musician. Can you do a dirge?”

“Maybe,” Piper said. “What’s the occasion?”

“There is a contingent of Gnobody Gnomes aboard. They are on their way to make a connection with the Soul Train, which is for ailing souls, because one of their number recently died. They are in mourning, and would like to have a dirge. We would like to oblige them if we can. Can you accommodate them? We would be most appreciative.”

“They are thinking of the ‘Gnobody Gnows the Trouble I’ve Seen Dirge.’ That’s an especially challenging one.”

“They are, and it is,” the troll agreed. “They doubt that any non-gnome can play it effectively, but I told them I would ask.”

Piper glanced at Bryce. “I’ll need your help.”

“Of course,” Bryce said, uncertain where this was going.

Piper addressed the troll. “You have a sound system on this train? So that I could play in one car and be heard in another?”

“Of course.”

“Because for such serious music I will need to be by myself, with only Bryce to assist. We’ll do it in a freight car, if there is space.”

“There is space in the leading freight car, where your trikes are stored.”

“Good enough. Tell the gnomes I will play their dirge in half an hour.”

“I will. Thank you.” It was amazing how courteous a troll could be when he wanted something. He departed.

“We will return after the dirge,” Piper told the others. “I recommend that you not listen to it.”

“What’s so bad about a sad song?” Arsenal demanded.

“Evidently you haven’t heard this one,” Pose said, who evidently had.

“That’s right, I haven’t. And I’ll bleeping well listen if I choose to.”

Bryce and Piper left them in their dialogue as they made their way to the leading freight car. Their trikes were neatly parked there, but there was a fair amount of empty space remaining. “This will do,” Piper said.

“What’s going on?” Bryce asked.

“This particular dirge requires full organ music. I can’t do that on my little piccolo, but can on my big pipes. I want you to stand guard at the entry to make sure no one intrudes. Make sure there’s fresh air there for you to breathe. When I am ready, you can announce the dirge.”

“But—”

Then Piper started melting into his monster form. Oh.

The monster was considerably larger than the man, as Bryce had seen before. It spread out across the floor in a seemingly eyeless, earless black mass. Bryce barely had room to stand at the entry. At least now he understood why Piper had insisted on privacy. He was protecting his hidden identity, so as not to freak out the girls and perhaps the trolls. That was surely a sensible precaution.