Luck of the Draw (Xanth) (9 page)

“Mundania is backward,” she agreed.

But when they checked with Princess Dawn, she had other news. “We are near a humongous clot of puns,” she said. “We need all available hands to fetch them in before they escape. Bryce has a prior commitment, so must go to Castle Roogna. But all others must stay, including the dogs. Today you can’t guide him, Mindy.”

“But he needs me,” Mindy protested.

“He needs guidance. That’s not the same.”

“The castle is right in sight,” Bryce said. “I should be able to cross to it alone readily enough.”

“We cannot be sure of that,” Dawn said. “Xanth still has too many surprises for you. I have arranged for other guidance.”

“Who?” Mindy asked suspiciously.

“Piper.”

“But he’s the best pun collector of them all! You can’t spare him.”

“He and Bryce can collect puns as they travel. That should be almost as efficient.”

“But can he protect Bryce from danger, just in case?”

“Oh, yes,” Dawn reassured her, seeming amused.

Mindy opened her mouth, but Dawn shut it with a look. “Piper it is,” Mindy said.

“You will find him outside,” Dawn told Bryce. “Now be on your way while we organize. There will surely be puns left over when you return.”

Bryce obeyed. What else could he do?

He wheeled his trike outside the main gate. There was a handsome young man. “Bryce?” the man inquired.

“Yes. Piper?”

“The same. What is that device?”

“My recumbent tricycle. I brought it with me from Mundania, and it works well enough here. I simply push these pedals, and it moves. Do you have transportation of your own?”

“I have the equivalent: a duplication spell. With your permission, I will copy your machine.”

Just like that? “Be my guest.”

Piper brought out a small sphere. “Stand clear, or the spell will duplicate you too.”

“Can’t have that!” Bryce said. He got off the trike and stepped away from it. Could this really work?

Piper flipped the sphere at the trike. It struck the seat and flashed.

And there were two identical trikes.

“Thank you,” Piper said, getting on the second.

“The brakes are on the handles,” Bryce explained. “You move the handlebars to steer it.”

Bryce got on the first and pedaled. He moved forward. Piper pedaled too, pacing him. They moved at a good clip. “I like this machine,” Piper said.

Before long they approached Castle Roogna. It was surrounded by orchards and gardens.

“Uh-oh,” Piper said.

“There is a problem?”

“This is illusion.”

“Illusion? It looks real enough to me.”

“Ride into that bush.”

Bemused, Bryce did. He passed right through the bush as if it were fog. “Illusion,” he agreed.

“Only the Sorceress Iris could fashion an illusion of this magnitude. She must have been practicing, and forgot to delete it when she went home. Caprice Castle oriented on it instead of the real Castle Roogna. I can find it, as I know the general lay of the land, but it won’t be conveniently close.”

“Can we get there using the trikes?”

“Yes. But there may be mischief.”

“Mischief?”

“Did Dawn tell you much about me?”

Was the man changing the subject? Bryce played along. “Nothing.”

“I am not exactly what I seem. I am a monster in human guise. I mention this so you won’t be confused if I should have to assume my monster form.”

“Okay. As long as I know you don’t mean me any harm.” Then Bryce caught something with his left eye. Now it was his turn to say “Uh-oh.”

“There is a problem?”

“Goblins are pouring out of the illusion, or they will in ten seconds. I think we need to get away from here.”

“That will not be feasible. Now I see them. Obviously goblins infested the illusion, hoping to ambush some unwary travelers, and we are those. They will have us surrounded.”

Bryce looked behind. There were more goblins closing in. “They do.”

“They will not be kind to us. I must become the monster. When I do, throw the trikes on my back and jump on yourself. Then try to help me spot the most dangerous ones. I can see well enough, but it helps to have guidance, especially if there are attacks from several directions at once.”

“I’m not sure I—”

“We’ll let them get close. They won’t throw spears or stones because they want to capture us undamaged so they can properly torment us. Then we’ll act.”

In hardly more than a moment the goblins closely surrounded them. They stood about half human height, were raggedly garbed, and stank of garbage. They had large ugly heads, small bodies, and big ugly hands and feet. “What have we here?” the chief said, rubbing his horny hands together with anticipation. “Fresh entertainment and fresh meat, by the look of it.”

“Beware,” Piper said. “We are on a mission for the Princess Dawn. We can defend ourselves. Disperse without hostilities and there will be no trouble.”

“Har har har!” the goblin laughed, and his horde laughed with him. There was nothing funny about it; this was pure cruelty. “You must be entertainers.”

“Actually I am,” Piper said. “I’m a musician.”

“Oh, yeah? Show me.”

Piper brought out a pipe and put it to his mouth. He played a melody. Bryce was amazed. It was the most beautiful music he had heard in decades. The man really
was
a musician, a fine one.

But the goblins were not impressed. “That’s all? You’re not royalty? No big hostage payoff?”

“We are unusual folk,” Piper said. “But not royal.”

“Strip them,” the chief said.

“I advise against this,” Piper said.

“Har, har, har!” the goblins repeated. They put horny hands on Piper and Bryce, reaching up to tear at their clothes.

“Last warning,” Piper said calmly. Bryce couldn’t figure what he had to be calm about. These goblins were pint-sized brutes.

The goblin chief punched Piper in the belly, which was as high as he could reach.

Piper dissolved. He melted down into an oozing black mass. It spread outward rapidly, gaining in volume. It surrounded the goblin chief, enclosing him knee-deep in the tarry substance. Piper had not been fooling about changing into a monster!

“Yowch!” the goblin yelled, trying to yank out his feet from the clinging sludge. “It stings!”

Then he started descending into the glop. Bryce realized that the stuff was dissolving his legs, eating him away. “Help!” the goblin screamed.

His minions tried, but now the gooey substance was coming after them too. They stabbed at it with their spears, but all that did was dirty the points. They cut at it with their knives, and got the blades hopelessly fouled. They bashed it with their clubs, and the clubs stuck in it and became useless.

Yet, oddly, the black goop did not advance on Bryce. It detoured around him and the bikes, going after only the goblins. It was consciously controlled.

A musical note sounded from a vent in the monster. That reminded Bryce, and he hastily tossed one trike and then the other onto the spreading surface. They did not sink in; the upper skin seemed rubbery, at least back from the caustic fringe. Then he jumped on himself, hoping his feet wouldn’t break the surface tension and sink in like stones through mud and get consumed too. They didn’t; the surface had a thick rind that gave way without breaking, like canvas. Still, he decided to get on his trike so as to have no further direct contact.

The goblins were neither stupid nor cowardly, and there were many of them. But they were practical. They retreated, abandoning their chief to his fate, and picked up stones.

“To my right!” Bryce shouted. “They’ve got stones!” Though he didn’t see how that information could help.

Another vent opened. Harsh music sounded. Then a fireball burst among the goblins with the stones, singeing them. They retreated, their clothes on fire. So
that
was how the information helped.

But there were more goblins, unfazed. “To my left, farther away,” Bryce called. “A catapult!” Indeed, that cat was about to spring.

Another vent opened. Another note sounded. Another fireball burst, setting the catapult on fire.

Bryce remembered how Mindy had asked whether Piper could protect him. Dawn had seemed amused by the question. Now he understood why. This was one seriously deadly creature.

“That’s all for the moment,” Bryce said, finally having time to be amazed. Piper had not been fooling about being a monster. Bryce was glad the thing was on his side.

The monster forged ahead, and the goblins retreated before them. Soon they were alone.

Bryce glanced at the sky. A dark cloud was looming. “I fear there will be weather,” he said. “That could rust the trikes. Maybe we should seek shelter.”

A vent blew an affirmative note. The monster continued to flow forward at a good clip. Bryce hung on, satisfied that Piper knew where he was going. Meanwhile the storm was rapidly blowing up. It almost seemed to be orienting on them.

They came to a sudden crack in the ground. In fact it was a crevasse. “Watch out!” Bryce cried. He had been distracted by the looming storm and hadn’t seen the crack before, even with his second sight.

He was too late. The monster flowed over the brink and into the gulf. But they didn’t fall. Instead they slid along the vertical cliff, the trikes and Bryce remaining fastened in place. This was another surprise. The wind gusted angrily, but the monster was like a giant slug, firmly stuck.

Then, just as the first raindrops fell, they cruised into a cave. The rain crashed angrily against the entrance, but could not get at the dry interior. They were safe from a drenching.

Bryce got off the monster’s back, and removed the trikes. “That was an impressive demonstration,” he said.

The black goo drew together and formed into manshape. Piper reappeared, complete with clothing. “Thank you. You did well, calling out the goblins’ attacks. That spared me some bruising.”

“You had told me how.” He glanced at the mouth of the cave, which now looked like a sheet of water. “We may be stuck here a while.”

“Fracto’s rages usually pass within the hour. We’ll be delayed, but not unduly.”

“Fracto?”

“The storm. Cumulo Fracto Nimbus, king of clouds. He likes to rain on parades and anything else interesting.”

“Our fracas with the goblins must have interested him.”

“Fortunately I know of this offshoot of the Gap Chasm, inaccessible to most nonflying creatures.”

“Gap Chasm?”

“Yes. I gather you are not yet conversant with much of Xanth.”

“True.”

“It is a giant crevasse that crosses Xanth, patrolled by the dreaded six-legged steamer the Gap Dragon. It has a number of offshoots that diminish and finally fade out. You will likely get to see it someday; it is impressive.”

“Surely so. I have been learning things at a phenomenal rate, but it seems I have hardly scratched the surface,” Bryce said. “If I may ask, how is it that Princess Dawn was able to call on you to babysit me on this trip? You are evidently no ordinary person.”

“It is a long story, simply told. I was the former proprietor of Caprice Castle, a superior musician collecting puns for storage. But I was betrayed by a woman who let them all out. Demon Pundit was not pleased. He rendered me into the monster you saw. Later I saw Princess Dawn, and realized that if I could court and win her I might make her mistress of Caprice and recover my position. But her interest was in the walking skeleton. In the end he and I battled for her hand and the castle.”

“How could a mere skeleton ever stand up to a creature of your powers?”

“He was a musician. He learned to conjure fireballs and other things, matching me in that regard. We challenged each other musically, and in the end he won, proving himself to be Xanth’s finest musician and worthy of Princess and Castle. I was on the way down to Hell when he interceded with the Demon to save me. I am not unappreciative, and will never betray his interests. Normally I collect puns, but when the princess needed this service, I was glad to oblige. I can’t touch her or enter Caprice, but I prefer to retain her favor, though I have another girlfriend now.”

“Girlfriend?”

“Granola Giantess. She is a fifty-foot-tall invisible giant, a friend of Dawn’s. You will surely meet her soon, if you haven’t already.”

“An invisible giant? I don’t believe I have seen her.” Oops; he hadn’t been trying to joke.

Piper smiled. “When she enters the castle she becomes a normal human woman. In fact that is where I came to know her. She is quite a girl. We had a tryst, before I was banned. That relationship has continued thereafter.”

Bryce shook his head. “I am having trouble visualizing this. She is fifty feet tall?”

“Here is another item for your background information: there exist what are called accommodation spells that enable widely-diverging creatures to indulge in romantic trysts if they wish to. Such as human beings and little elves, or dragons and damsels. Or a human man with a giantess. The effect is temporary, only an hour or so, but that normally suffices.”

“An accommodation spell,” Bryce repeated. “I will remember.”

“The storm is passing,” Piper said. “We can resume traveling. I will have to return to monster form to get us back to the surface; then we can ride the trikes.”

“Yes. I don’t know how I would get out of here on my own.”

Piper changed, Bryce loaded the trikes and got on, and they slid out and up the sheer face of the cleft to the surface. Then they changed back, and resumed riding the trikes. But the castle was some distance.

“This is too slow,” Piper said. “We need a boost.”

“A boost?”

“Granola is near. I will ask her.”

“The invisible giantess,” Bryce said.

“Hello, dear,” Piper called.

“Hello, Piper,” a female voice boomed from the sky.

“This is Bryce, from Mundania. I am conducting him from Caprice to Roogna and back. We are running late. Will you help us?”

“Of course.”

It turned out to be weird but easy. Huge invisible hands lifted their trikes with them aboard and carried them rapidly forward thirty feet above the land.