Lucy in the Sky (19 page)

Mom is always the hardest person to buy for because I'm never sure what she really wants, but we were shopping the other day at the new mall at the end of the Promenade, and she tried on this really cute pair of shoes that were marked down like a bazillion times to $49. They were orange satin heels with a little open toe and they looked SO CUTE on her foot—like something out of a '50s TV show. She kept looking at her feet in the mirror and talking about how fun they were. But THEN she put them BACK and went on and on about how they weren't practical and she would rather spend the money on Christmas presents blah blah blah.

SO I WENT BACK AND GOT THEM!

I was really worried that they wouldn't be there, but they were. SCORE.

Dad is easy. I think Cam and I are going to go in on a couple of records that he really wants. (Yes. Vinyl records. The kind you play on a rotating disc with a needle. Sigh.) We're also going to get him a new warm-up suit because his is looking a little worse for wear.

Ross is on his way over for dinner, and Astrid will be here too. I'm really glad that they're coming.

Later …

Tonight was really great. Well, not at the beginning. It started out weird because Ross made some reference to Lauren and homecoming and Cam got all bristled up and didn't talk a lot. But then Ross was telling us about Thanksgiving at the hotel where his mom works, and how the chef had come out to their table to say hello and wish them a happy holiday, and this old lady at the next table pushed her chair out into a waiter who had a bottle of wine, and the bottle hit the floor right at the chef's feet and exploded, drenching the chef in pinot noir.

Ross is hilarious when he tells stories, and by the time he was done, Cam was gasping for breath and my dad was laughing so hard he was crying.

It felt just like old times.

Well, I guess, it felt like this summer.

Funny how “old times” is only about 4 months ago.

It seems like it was a lot longer ago than that.

December 24

I love Christmas Eve.

I am sitting in the living room staring at the lights on the 9-foot Douglas fir. Dad just walked into the living room and gave me a kiss on the cheek. He turned up the lamp and said I'd go blind if I kept writing in the dark.

I remember when I was a little girl, Dad would always help Cam and me leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa before we went to bed on Christmas Eve. I guess I was about 6 years old the year that Cam got out of bed to check and see if the cookies and milk were gone and discovered Dad eating them. He cried and cried—not because there wasn't a Santa Claus, but because there weren't any more cookies left and now Santa wouldn't come.

I didn't cry, and Cam got upset with me for not caring. Dad just winked at me and smiled as he rocked Cam back and forth. Dad knew I knew about Santa being make-believe.

I don't know how I knew.

I just always did, I guess.

I've always thought that the invisible and the imaginary are the same thing.

I guess that's why I like Christmas Eve so much. It's the one night where I feel like things that aren't seen have a possibility of existing: angels, elves, flying reindeer. It all seems possible somehow.

I've been thinking about Lauren a lot lately. She still texts me every once in a while. I mean, it's not like I don't see her. Ross calls me the Ice Queen because I haven't actually acknowledged her since that night last month.

But tonight, staring at the lights and the star at the top of
the tree, I realize that I've been thinking more and more about the good parts of Lauren and the weird space that's been left in my life for the past 7 weeks without having her in it.

Who knows? Maybe the ice will melt one day. It hasn't yet, but tonight is a night about magic that makes everything feel …

Possible.

December 25

OH MY GOD!

MY PARENTS GOT ME A CAR!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I can't even BELIEVE IT!

It's not a new car or anything. It's a Certified Pre-Owned Jetta. It's two years old, but it was at a used car dealership and it still has that NEW CAR SMELL. Dad said I'd done such a good job this fall in school and had been so responsible lately that he and Mom felt like I was ready.

THIS IS SO AMAZING!

I'm going to pick up Ross and then we're going to go get hot chocolate and see a movie.

Later …

I was just sitting in my car in the driveway listening to music after I dropped Ross off. I still can't believe it. I just want to be in that car ALL THE TIME!

Mom just walked through the living room in the shoes I bought her and her bathrobe. She stuck out her foot like a movie star and laughed and smiled at me.

I think she was really surprised that I was paying attention to what she wanted.

Cam and I are going to go to yoga every day this week since we're off from school. He loved his yoga mat.

January 1

I can't believe it's a new year already. Tomorrow we go back to school, and for the first time EVER I'll get to drive my NEW CAR into the parking lot.

Dad surprised Mom with a night of dinner and dancing in a supper club at the top of a skyscraper downtown. Cam got permission to go to Astrid's and Ross invited me over to dinner because his mom was having a New Year's Eve party.

When I got there, the place was already packed and Ross dragged me upstairs to his room away from all of the adults. He was totally annoyed because he wanted Ian to come over but his mom wouldn't allow it. She said that Ian is a bad influence
on Ross. He said he yelled at her and said that Ian wasn't an influence, that he was a BOYFRIEND. His mom thinks that Ross is just going through a phase, apparently. Ross thinks his mom is under the impression that I want to date him, so she's always saying that he should invite me over.

I was giggling SO HARD when he told me that, partly because early on that was true, and partly because it's SO RIDICULOUS. I guess after being around Ross so much, I wouldn't want to imagine him any other way.

I asked Ross where Ian had been, and a stormcloud passed across his face. He went completely silent, and finally I just tossed myself back onto his bed and yelled REALLY? You're just not going to TELL ME?

He looked at me long and hard, then said to wait a second, he needed “supplies.” Then he ran out of the room. In a minute he came back, only he was wearing a snowboarding jacket. He unzipped the coat and pulled a bottle of champagne out of the sleeve. He popped the cork and said, Happy Frickin' New Year, then took a big gulp that made the bottle foam up and spill all over him. We laughed and he grabbed a towel out of his bathroom and mopped it up.

When he handed the bottle to me, I took it, but I immediately heard an alarm go off in my brain: YOU'RE DRIVING YOU'RE DRIVING YOU'RE DRIVING.

I shook my head and reminded him that I had a car now. When I handed the bottle back to Ross, he rolled his eyes and handed it back. He said, Gimme a break. You're not going to get tanked, you're just going to have a couple sips and then I'm going to tell you about Ian.

I decided he was right.

I took the bottle.

I took a drink.

The alarm stopped.

And then Ross told me about Ian. Apparently they broke up about the same time I found out that Ian wasn't teaching anymore. Ross said that Ian had dropped out of school and stopped teaching yoga.

Then Ross got really quiet, only I could tell that he had more to say. He went over to his dresser and opened the top drawer, pulling out a little brown box. He slid off the top that was fitted so tightly it looked like a solid piece. He pulled out his pipe, packed a bowl, took a deep toke, then handed the pipe to me and waited until I put my lips to it. He sparked the lighter and I pulled the smoke through the purple glass into my mouth, then breathed it deeply into my lungs.

It didn't take very long for me to feel the floating sensation in my head, and when I opened my eyes, Ross was staring at me, smiling so sweetly. He said, You missed it, didn't you. I giggled
and nodded. I said, Don't think this is going to become a habit or anything.

Ross took another couple of hits until the bowl was cashed and then he tapped out the ashes in the trash can and put the pipe back in its secret box in the dresser. Then he turned around and told me that the day he and Lauren missed school together was the last time he'd seen Ian. They'd been up all night long the night before doing blow at Blake's house. Ross said Ian had been sort of a jerk lately, making comments about how Ross owed him for all of the free drugs he was getting.

Ross said, I looked around and realized that I had school in the morning and that I wasn't going to make it. And then I realized I wasn't having fun.

He told Ian that he didn't want to do any more coke that night, that he needed to get home. Ian laughed at him and said that was fine, he could just leave.

Ross was quiet for a minute after he told me all this. Then he looked at me and asked me a question:

How could a drug be more important to him than I am?

The hurt in Ross's eyes made me catch my breath and I felt myself tear up. I gave him a long, tight hug. He buried his face in my shoulder and cried. We sat like that for a long time.

He said that Ian had texted him a few times, but Ross had
told Ian that if he was doing cocaine, Ross didn't want to be around him.

I told Ross he was smart. I told him how strong he was, and what a good friend he was being to Ian to stand up to him like that. That he'd done the right thing.

Then he looked at me and tears ran down his face, and he said, Then why does it feel so wrong?

I didn't have an answer.

January 2

I just passed Lauren in the hallway on my way to first period. I couldn't believe it. I haven't seen her in a few weeks, but that's not really that long. I don't know what happened, but she looks TERRIBLE. Her skin is almost gray, and her hair is a mess, but the most shocking thing is that she looks like she lost 10 pounds over the holidays, and BELIEVE ME when I say that Lauren did NOT have 10 pounds to lose. She looks like a skeleton.

Later …

I didn't mean to talk to her.

I was standing at my locker and I felt her come up next to me, in a hurry. She was in a hurry because Cassie and Bethany were following her, laughing. They've been after Cam since they were in 7th grade and he's never given them the time of day.
When Lauren showed up this year and fell in with our group, they were silently pissed. Today they broke their silence.

I heard Cassie cough the words COKE WHORE as she passed, and I felt Lauren whirl around. She told them to fuck off and Bethany stopped and said, OR WHAT? I was trapped in the middle of this, trying to look busy with my gym bag. Bethany was in full-on bitch mode. She called Lauren a druggie and when Lauren said it wasn't true, Bethany just laughed. Cassie said really loudly, We all KNOW it's true. I mean, your own best friend won't even LOOK at you anymore.

I don't know what it was, but something about that comment made me SO PISSED OFF. In a split second I realized that I was WAY more angry at Cassie Wasserman than I could ever be at Lauren. I slammed my locker so hard that I felt Lauren jump beside me. I turned around very slowly and looked at Cassie like I might decide to take a bite out of her head. Very softly and slowly I said, While we'd love to stay for more of your enlightening banter on the nature of our friendship, Lauren and I are headed to lunch. I looked at Lauren. Her eyes darted to mine as if she were afraid to look at me, like she was staring up at the sun after being locked in a dark closet for a week.

I smiled at her and jangled the keys to my car: I'm driving.

I saw tears fill her eyes, but before they could fall, I grabbed her arm and sped her outside to my car in the parking lot.

We hit the McDonald's drive-thru for fries and Diet Cokes. Then I opened the sunroof because it was a beautiful day, turned the heater on full blast because it was a little crisp, and drove toward the highway along the beach. I pulled off onto the side of the road where Ross had parked the first time that he took me surfing, and put the car in park.

Then we talked.

She told me how sorry she was about the thing with Blake. She told me he'd tried to pressure her and Ross into selling drugs for him. He'd offered them free coke, but they'd refused. Ian took Blake up on the offer, and the two of them had been selling drugs to Ian's college friends like crazy.

I asked her why she looked so awful.

She said she'd gone to New York to get away from Blake and Ian over Christmas break but that a guy she'd been dating off and on before she came out here invited her to a party on Christmas night, and he'd had an 8 ball of cocaine. She said they were awake for 2 days, and then he just kept getting more.

We sat there in silence for a while, staring at the waves. Then I reached over and took her hand. She started crying. After she stopped, she wiped her face with her free hand and squeezed my fingers tight. She thanked me for standing up for her today, that she almost didn't come back to school because she couldn't take it anymore. She said she'd thought about just
getting her GED and going back to New York to start college.

I smiled at her and said, You CAN'T go to college yet. We haven't gone to winter formal and PROM!

She smiled at me cautiously. I said, But first things first: You look like SHIT.

Her eyes went wide, then we both busted out laughing. We laughed until the tears ran down our cheeks and we couldn't breathe and we were late getting to school from lunch, but I don't care.

I have my best friend back.

January 3

Astrid and Cam almost fell down when they saw Lauren and me walking toward them for lunch today. Ross broke into a big smile and said, The band's getting back together, dude. Cam was really quiet during lunch, and tonight after dinner he came to my room and said he was worried about me. He said he was afraid I would start. I threw a pillow at him.