LUKE (5 page)

***
 

Her fingers traced over the thin lines that could have ended my life. I froze unsure of what to do. Normally, I’d pull away, but the heat from her fingers felt good. She looked up at me as she touched the most recent one.

I stole a glance at her and couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking. If she were judging me … most people did. I pulled my hand away from her, refusing to look at her as I looked around the room, my mind racing. I wanted to know what she thought, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

She reached out and grabbed my wrist, and before I could pull away from her again, her lips touched the cut.

“I’ve been wondering about that tattoo … then when you took me to the cemetery today it all made sense … it’s her death date, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I said, “these scars are old. Becky was the only thing that gave me the strength to stop hurting myself, both mentally and physically.” I’d never had any doubt that I could go to the guys about it, but when you’re 14 and so depressed that every day you think about just ending it, so depressed that the only way to make yourself feel better is to cut yourself … the idea of going to friends you’ve known your whole life either seemed like the only thing you could do or the stupidest thing you could do. “Becky saw them one day by accident. She cried right then and there in front of everyone.”

***

A soft smile touched his lips. “The guys didn’t understand what was going on. She just kept begging me to promise her I would stop it. That I’d never do it again. She full on had a panic attack. It took me three hours to calm her down, and that was with everyone’s help. The next day, she told me she would never forgive me if I died on her. She bought me a wrist cuff to cover my cuts, and I wore it all the time, every day of my life until …” He stopped dead in his tracks. “Until I went to jail. After I got out, I got the tattoo and haven’t covered it up since. This is my new promise to Becky that I’ll never cut myself again. I just wish she hadn’t died on me.”

“That’s beautiful.” I managed to make myself sound normal.
Jail? What the fuck did he go to jail for?
He gave me a weak smile, and I waited a couple seconds until I asked the big question. “So, what did you go to jail for?”

“Trying to do the right thing. Well, maybe not the right thing but what Dom, Priest, Jacob and I needed to do.”

“Do you guys still need to do it?” I got the feeling this had something to with the whole ‘I don’t have much time left’ thing.

“Yes.”
 

***
 

One week later

I’d given up on trying to figure Luke out. The relationship moved fast though, I spent most of my time there and we’d even cleaned out a drawer in his dresser.

I heard the front door open and the scent of leftover grease hit me. I wrinkled my nose as I finished chopping the tomatoes for the salad and tossed them into the bowl, checked the time, reached for the garlic bread and slipped it into the oven as the chicken finished cooking. “Hey!” I called.

“Hey,” he called back, grinning as he sauntered towards me. He looked me up and down. “You look sexy in that little apron.”

The dark green apron was 1950s inspired. “That’s the point.” Smiling, I turned back to the veggies on the counter. His arms wrapped around me and his lips touched mine. His hips pressed against my butt.

“Ashley and Jacob are going to be here soon.”

“We can be quick,” he whispered as he pulled away. “I’m going to go hop in the shower, want to join me?”

“No, I spent an hour curling my hair today.”

He laughed as he turned away from me. I heard the bathroom door close as the front door opened. “Are you two having sex?” Ashley called from the doorway.

I laughed, putting the knife down and making my way over to them. “No, it’s safe to come in.” Jacob’s hair was tied back in a ponytail, his arm around Ashley’s hips, and he wore a simple muscle shirt with green army pants. He gave me a nod. “Is Luke around?”

“He’s in the shower ...” I paused. “I’m sure the door is unlocked if you’d like to go join him.” I grinned, letting a mental image of that set into my mind. Jacob wrinkled his nose in disgust as Ashley let out a sound of pleasure.

“I wouldn’t mind honey.” She kissed his cheek before slipping out of her shoes and making her way over to me. She pulled me into a tight hug.

“Now that, I’m open to,” Jacob said.

Ashley rolled her eyes, drawing away from me. “Something smells great. Do you need any help in the kitchen?”

“No, but you’re welcome to come keep me company.” I led the way back to the kitchen and kept chopping veggies.

“It feels so grown up, eh? Having dinner parties with our boyfriends.”

“Oh yes, so grown up.” I turned to see Ashley staring at the photo on the fridge. A photo I’d gotten so used to. She turned to me, and I looked around us as I approached the photo.

“Do you know what they are about to do?” she asked.

“No, Luke promised me he would tell me when he had all the details sorted out.” Not to say I was waiting patiently. But I was trying to give him as much time as he needed.

“You need to know now.”
 

***
 

I wrapped myself in a towel since I could hear voices. Clean and my hair slicked back, I felt refreshed and ready for the night ahead of me. With the girls and Jacob around, I knew it was going to be a big night. As I entered the bedroom, I let the towel fall off me and slipped into a pair of jeans. I heard the door open behind me.

A grin spread over my face; Jade never liked to make a big deal out of our relationship, so it was abnormal for her to join me in the bedroom if we had Ashley and Jacob over. I glanced over my shoulder. “Hey, you—” I was left staring at Jacob. “Um, no offence but you weren’t the one I was expecting to follow me into the bedroom.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but we need to talk.”

“And we couldn’t do that in the living room… or anywhere outside of the bedroom?”

“It couldn’t wait.”

I stared at him. This was it, wasn’t it? He had finally done it. “Well?” I snapped.

“I found him.”

My heart skipped a beat as I took a deep breath, and my pulse picked up a little.

“So that’s it.” I nodded, not sure how to process it. “It’s finally here,” I whispered.

It didn’t feel like it could actually be happening. Not now, not when I was finally happy. Jade was practically living with me, and I was fucking happy. Now it might all be gone. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

I was beginning to love my life, but I’d planned for this day for eleven years. It wasn’t something I was about to give up on.

“You love her, don’t you?” Jacob’s words snapped me back to reality.

“Yes,” I admitted.

“You know … parts of the plan can always be changed.”

My brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean what I said. There are three other people in on this, you don’t have to—”

“I’m going to help.” I refused to sit around while they did it without me.

“Alright fine, but you know … you don’t have to … kill yourself.”

Really, me being the only one who didn’t kill themselves? Seemed kinda ironic. The original plan had been mass suicide. But then we screwed up, and we knew he would report us to the police. We knew we’d go to jail for it so we agreed that we’d put it off until we got out. We were going to wait until we were able to achieve our goal before we actually killed ourselves.

Before I could say anything, the door burst open.
 

***
 

I stormed down the hallway. How could he not tell me this right away? How could he think it was a good idea not to tell me? To tell me that he would give me the details when he had everything sorted out.

I pushed the door open to see Jacob and Luke. They both turned to look at me.

“How could you?”

My voice broke as I let out a sob.

“Are you going to leave me?” He asked on the edge of tears.

I refused to look at him as I leaned on the deck. “How could you not tell me?”

“I was waiting … I’ve had a lot going on. I know you don’t want to hear that but …” He paused as he came close to me, and I felt his hand on my lower back. “A couple months ago the idea of killing myself didn’t mean anything to me, but then … then my life started falling into place … I met you, and for the first time in a long time, I wake up every morning happy and I go to sleep happy. I … I know it’s cowardly, but I don’t want to give that up. I’ve been struggling to figure out if I can even go through with it.”

I turned face him. “Is that the truth?”

“I’ve never lied to you before.”

“You’ve obviously hidden some really important stuff,” I snapped.

“Yes, I have, I won’t deny that. But I’ve never lied to you about anything.”

I turned to face him. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted … I just wanted everything to be okay, and I didn’t want to lose him. I let out a deep breath.

“Alright, fine … I believe you. But I need you to understand that I’m … I’m risking a lot for you.” Hell, I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I shouldn’t, but I wanted to. I was pretty sure I loved him. “After Mike, I wasn’t sure I’d ever care this much about someone. I don’t want to lose you …”

If I stayed with him, the chances that I would lose him were pretty high, but I knew that if I left right now I’d lose him for sure. I reached out and took his hand in mine. Silently promising that I would be there for him.

Click here to read how the story continues – with JACOB!

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