Lust (20 page)

Ivy Jaymes fucking owned me.

“I need to go home, Cade,” Ivy said once her pants were back in place.

I hated those words. I didn’t want her to leave—ever. That realization both frightened and excited me. It frightened me because I didn’t know how to react to it… I had never felt that way before and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. My initial instinct was to push her away, never let her get close enough to me to ruin me. But then the realization that quickly followed that initial instinct was she had already ruined me, so there was no point in pushing her away. That only left the option of embracing it. And that is what excited me. After only experiencing stationary relationships for most of my life, relationships derived of zero emotion and only comprised of fucking, I finally felt as if I was going somewhere. It was new and strange, but I didn’t care. For the first time in as long as I could remember, staying in the same place no longer sounded appealing. Ivy was moving forward and I wanted to move forward with her. I no longer felt comfortable being complacent.

“Don’t go,” I begged as I ran my nose along her cheek. I was still hovering over her, needing to feel her beneath me for as long as I could. I felt needy and fought the desire to hold onto her forever and never let go.

She finally pushed against my chest with her hands, creating space between us. But as I leaned back, she began to sit up and the small space that had been created in our changing positions quickly disappeared. Her hand remained on my chest as she looked into my eyes, the determination was evading.

“After all that, you can’t just leave. Just stay a little longer, please.”

Ivy released a slow breath and looked down to her hands where they were flat on my chest just above my pounding heart. I was sure she could feel it beating wildly behind my ribcage. “You need to eat and I need some sleep.”

“I just ate; I’m not hungry,” I teased and it earned me a shy smile.

She slapped my chest and then moved her hands to her lap. “I don’t know how I feel about any of this, Cade.” Her mouth opened as if she’d say more but then closed and her hands began to twist together.

I reached out and grabbed them, keeping her from losing herself in her insecurities. “Then let’s talk about it. Don’t leave like this. If you’re feeling something or unsure how you’re feeling about something, talk to me about it.” I tried to keep my voice strong and confident, but the words came out sounding as if I was pleading—which, in all actuality, I was.

Her eyes rolled once before settling on the ceiling. She took in a lungful of air and puffing out her cheeks as she released it slowly through her pursed lips. I could tell something was going on inside that head of hers, but I couldn’t figure it out. I only hoped it wasn’t regret.

“This is so confusing,” she began but then never finished. She looked downward and it was obvious she was struggling with the situation as much as I was. Even though I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t want her to leave and she wanted to leave.

I grabbed her by the chin and made her look at me. “What is?”

“This!” she exclaimed, waving her hand between our bodies. “Sometimes you act like you have feelings for me. Other times you act like my therapist. I don’t know who you are from one minute to the next or how I should act around you. And then there’s still the question about last week. You were into me and then in the blink of an eye, you were running out the door. It was like you couldn’t get dressed fast enough. Yet you call me—drunk out of your mind—and tell me that you need me. You can’t deny that all of these changes in your behavior are confusing.”

“You’re absolutely right. I’ve been giving you mixed signals.” I knew the issue with me leaving would come back up; she would want an answer and I knew I would have to give her one. I just didn’t know if I was ready to start divulging all of my secrets I had kept hidden for so long. I never shared them. Could I share them now with her? “But it’s not what you think. I feel something for you—beyond what I’m used to feeling for other people. And as for me acting like your therapist, I think that’s because I do care about you so I worry about what you’re going through. It comes from the part of me that deeply cares about you beyond the normal level of caring I have for my clients.” My heartbeat increased to a rapid pace as my chest tightened around it, knowing I was about to explain part of my life that very few people knew about.

“What about your disappearing act? If you care so much about me… what was that about?”

“Can you just answer one question for me before I answer that?”

Her forehead creased as her brows furrowed in confusion or concern—or both. She nodded, silently agreeing to answer my question. I knew I needed to know the answer, but I was terrified of it all at the same time.

“That night… did I hurt you? At all?”

She shook her head but answered anyway. “No. Not at all. Why?”

“I kind of blacked out… more like spaced out I guess you could say and I have been so scared that I was too rough or did something to hurt you.” My voice was small and sheepish; I had never heard myself sound like that before.

Ivy swallowed audibly before licking her lips and asking, “Has that happened before?”

With a shrug, I answered honestly. “Yeah… but it was for a different reason.”

“I still don’t know what the reason is. You say it wasn’t about me, but—”

“It was
completely
about me,” I interrupted. “It was about a hang-up that I have. I can’t—and don’t—have sex on beds. It’s never happened before, but I was so into the moment, so into what we were doing that I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t even realize we were on your bed until…”
How the fuck do I explain this?
“Until you came. For some reason, all I could focus on were the bedsprings creaking and that’s when I realized where we were. It brought back too much and I freaked. I’m so sorry, Ivy. It had nothing to do with you or anything you did. I just found myself in a situation I was unfamiliar with and choked.”

Her eyes darted all over the room as she tried to comprehend my words. I could tell she was just as confused as before—if not more so. “But I don’t understand. You were fine. We were on the bed the entire time and you were fine.”

“That’s because I honestly didn’t even realize it. I was so wrapped up in you that I wasn’t paying attention. And that has
never
happened before—ever. I have never been so into someone that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings or my actions.” I had been so lost in my own head that I wasn’t aware of my actions, yes, but never someone else.

Ivy shook her head, looking as if she was trying to understand. “Why can’t you have sex on a bed? It doesn’t make sense to me. Where do you have sex, then?”

“You read books… you know there are other places to fuck than just a bed. I’ve already told you, Ivy, I don’t make love. I fuck… so a wall, a counter”—I looked down—“a couch… they all work just fine for what I do.”

“So you just don’t like beds? Because it makes you feel like you’re doing something other than fucking? What do you have against making love—or just normal sex? Did you freak out because of what we were doing?” she fired the questions one after the other.

My mind was in turmoil and I had no clue where to even start. “My issue with making love—as you call it—is that I don’t believe in it. I wasn’t lying when I said I don’t believe in love. Love ruins people. It blinds them and leads them into a false sense of security. And when the blinders come off, all that’s left is destruction. So I don’t believe that there is such a thing as making love.” I started to mentally prepare myself for her reaction to the secret I was about to reveal and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her. I took a deep breath and started out slowly, by telling her just the beginning. “But that’s not why I don’t like beds.” I took another deep breath and then said, “When I was eight, I was playing in my parents’ room. I wasn’t supposed to be in there, but I was. My mom didn’t know I was there; she thought I was in my room across the house. When I heard her coming down the hall, I hid under the bed. I didn’t want to get in trouble and thought I’d just wait until she left and then I’d sneak out. She’d never even know I was in there, but she wasn’t alone. Needless to say, I was stuck under the bed the entire time she had sex, listening to the creaking of the bedsprings and the slapping of the headboard.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Cade. Kids hear their parents have sex all the time.”

I shook my head. My breaths started coming out faster, but I didn’t think it was noticeable. I was so good at covering it up. I didn’t know if I could tell her the whole thing just yet. The entire secret. “She wasn’t having sex with my dad. I crawled under that bed as a kid and came out… broken. Those sounds that came from the room during their sexual act are synonymous with destruction for me. They ruined my family. They ruined me. So as you can see, I don’t believe in love because my mom was supposed to love my dad. Instead… she made love to someone else and demolished my foundation. She ruined everything she was supposed to have loved; our family unit was destroyed in one afternoon of sexual passion.”

Her hand reached out and grabbed mine. “Really? This whole time your issue with love, relationships, and sex has all been about your mom cheating on your dad?” Her question wasn’t condescending. She asked it with a level of concern that surprisingly didn’t bother me. “Cade, people cheat all the time.”

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I would never be able to get her to understand, and that was because I couldn’t tell her the entire story. I thought I could. I thought I could open up and share everything with her the way she had done with me, but I just couldn’t. Too many scars had been ripped open for one day. The deeper ones I had carried with me for so long would have to wait for another time. I was scarred. Would I ever be able to trust her with the skeletons that were buried deep within? It had been so many years and it seemed that the more time that passed the deeper they were buried. They were hardly within my grasp. I had no control when they resurfaced, reeling their ugly heads.

“I know. That’s why I have the beliefs that I do.”

“But cheating is a choice. If you choose to be faithful then you don’t have to worry about it.”

I’d had this argument many times before to many different people. Girls in high school, girls in college, woman since college… it never changed. Every female found it to be their mission in life to change my opinion, but they never could. My thoughts had been etched in blood and there was no wiping that away. None of them ever knew the whole story. The worst parts I kept secret, knowing people wouldn’t understand. They’d only pity me and I didn’t want Ivy’s pity.

“Ivy, there really is no point in trying to get me to see the other side. It’s how I feel and I can’t change that. I will forever remember the way my parents ended, and they’re gone now so I will never be able to talk to them in order to find out the reasons,” I tried to end the conversation. I had left many holes in the story and I hoped that she was blind to my concealment.

Her eyes met mine and I noticed the color change immediately. The vibrant colors from the orgasm I had given her had dulled and the happy expression on her face that was there only moments ago had vanished. I tried to think of why her mood would have changed so drastically in such a short amount of time, but I couldn’t come up with anything. My tone wasn’t harsh or off-putting. I wasn’t rude or short with her. I tried to think back what I said and nothing had sounded bad. Then she spoke… and I wanted to rewind time and take everything back.

“Then what in the hell am I doing here? You know what I want, Cade. I’ve told you before. I sought you out so that I could have a real relationship with someone; it was never just about sex. You say you have feelings for me… my God, the other night you told me you loved me. Last week at my apartment after the club, you told me you never wanted to let me go and that you wanted to own me. And now, sober, you tell me that you will never have a relationship, you don’t believe in love, and you want something completely different than I do.”

Fuck! My mind was spinning and I couldn’t right it. I found the answer to the question I couldn’t ask—my confession to Ivy wasn’t a hallucination, it was real. I told her I loved her. If that was real, did that mean her response was, too? Did she tell me that I owned her? I needed to make things right before she walked away and I lost the chance.

I sank to the floor and wedged myself between her legs, wrapping my arms around her waist to pull her closer to me. I made sure she was looking at me before I spoke. “Ivy… listen to me.” I swallowed, trying to find the right words to use. My voice sounded gruff and gravely. I didn’t have enough time to plan anything out so I just had to go with what I was feeling. “I don’t know what I want when it comes to you. In general, yes, I don’t agree with relationships—never been in one—but when it comes to you and only you, I don’t know about it anymore. The only thing that I know for absolute certainty is that I want you here and I don’t want you to leave. I can’t be apart from you for a day without going insane. I think about you all the time and I’m only calm when you’re around. No, that’s not right.” I shook my head and then met her eyes again. “I’m not calm around you; I’m anything but calm. You wind me up so tight I feel like a loose cannon. You have my head spinning so fast I feel like I could take flight at any moment. You make my heart stop altogether that I think I’m in cardiac arrest and you give me such a constant erection that I’m paranoid someone has slipped me Viagra.