Lust Is the Thorn (20 page)

So he'd wanted to save people. Change lives.

That was a desire he still had. I could see it burning in his eyes.

“If studying to become a priest saved your life, why walk away now? Aren't you worried you might become that boy again? What will you do if you don't take your vows? Where will you go?”

“I don't know. I don't know any of it. I just know I can't commit myself to the church. Not when…” He lifted his chin and stared at me with empty eyes, but behind that empty expression were ghosts that haunted him. That would forever haunt him. “Can you ever forgive me for what I've done?”

I swallowed hard, closed my eyes, and took a second.

Because I needed a second, damn it.

My silence seemed to confirm to him that I refused. “Of course not. I'm a murderer.”

“No.” I finally lifted my lids and focused on him. “You're not.”

He didn't look at me. “Last night, when Father John and I got in that accident, it was like I was right back in that car, making the choice—”

I pointed a finger in his face. “Stop it. You're doing it again.”

“Doing what?” he asked, staring at my finger.

“Being a martyr who thinks everything is his fault. It's not. People make choices in life, whether they're good or bad. Those choices lead to things—again, sometimes good or bad. The choices you and Mikey made that day led to something bad, sure. But if you could go back to that day and choose whether to drink and get high again…would you do it? Would you drive?”

He stiffened and massaged his shoulder, wincing. I wasn't sure if that was from the pain in his body, or in his words. “You know I wouldn't.”

“And that's why you're not a murderer.” I sat down on the bed and gently rested my hand on his thigh. “If you said you'd go back and do it all over again, knowing how it would end? Then you'd be guilty. That night changed you. Made you a better person. It made you want to turn your life around and become a priest. It made you better, and I think Mikey would have liked helping you like that. I think he would have been proud.”

He turned my hand over in his lap and traced my lifeline. “I hope so. I'm still going to save lives. Once I'm out of here, I'll find a way.”

“You're seriously not taking your vows?”

“I can't.” He flexed his jaw. “I've been through hell and back. I've wanted to die. I've wanted to live. I've cried, yelled, and punched walls. There have been times when I've thought I'd never smile again. But I've never been as happy as I've been when I was in your arms.” Hesitantly, he reached out and touched my cheek. “I love you so damn much, Rose. I always will. For all my life, and even after that. I just wish…”

It was on the tip of my tongue to say that wishes were useless, but the familiar words died in my throat. “What do you wish?”

“That you could forgive me.”

I withdrew from his touch. “You and Mikey were both to blame. You were both high and drunk. You both got in that car. You both drove, at one point or another.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “It was both your faults.”

He nodded, but didn't look away from me. “I hope you can forgive me someday. I don't care when it is. Tomorrow. Next week. Next year. Ten years from now. At some point in your life, I hope you can think of me and not hate me. That you can love me again. If you let me, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to earn that trust, that
love,
back. If you'll forgive me.”

There was nothing
to
forgive. He hadn't known how that night would end. He hadn't done it on purpose.
Of course he hadn't
. He'd spent the past eight years doing exactly what he had promised Mikey he would do. Taking care of me. Doing better. He'd suffered with guilt for far too long. And yet I couldn't say the words he needed to hear.

They wouldn't
come
.

I gripped my biceps tighter. “I told you once that there was nothing you could do that would make me stop caring about you. I stand by that statement. I still care.”

“Ah, but caring about someone and loving them are two different things. You can care about a puppy, or a cat, or a friend. You can care about a show, or a favorite character, or a sports team.” His eyes were haunted, shadowed by something. “But love is
more
. Love rips your heart out when you can't be with someone. Love can complete you, or tear you down. Love waits hundreds of years to be fulfilled, and never dies. Love is something you wait your whole life for, and love is something you give everything up for, in a heartbeat.”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out.

The nurse came in, clipboard in hand. “Okay, your five minutes are up. Time to go.”

I stood, relief filling me, because right now I couldn't think straight, my head ached, and my heart ached even more. I just needed some time to accept that Thorn had been driving, and not Mikey. It had been a horrible accident. Tragic. But I'd lost my brother because of him, and fuck, that was hard to accept. What would my life have been like if they hadn't gotten in that car? If Mikey were still here, and Thorn had never entered the seminary, and no one had died? Where would we be?

Who
would we be?

For the first time, I went down the road of what-ifs and what could have been. I wondered what my life would be like if Thorn had only pulled over to the side of the road instead of heading for that parking lot. If only Mikey had buckled his seatbelt properly, or Thorn had checked it. Would Mikey have been happily married? Would I have been an aunt by now? Would Thorn and I have gotten together, without all this pain between us, with Mikey's blessing? Would he have walked me down the aisle at our wedding, smiling with pride? Would I have had a home and a support system, and never ended up on the streets? Would I never have stolen, or stripped, or felt so degraded that I didn't want to wake up in the morning?

And for the first time…

I
blamed
Thorn for what he'd done, and for not doing what he should have done, and that hurt more than knowing he blamed himself, because despite it all, I loved him with all my heart, and I wanted to forgive him for all the things he'd taken from me. Forgive him for the life I hadn't gotten to lead with my brother, because he'd decided to drive to that stupid parking lot. I had no way of knowing if that other life I didn't live would have been better, but judging by how shitty this life had been, it was a safe bet it would have been an improvement—because I would've had Mikey.

And I
wanted
to forgive Thorn. I did.

I just wasn't sure
how
.

Thorn sat up straight. “Rose—”

“I…I need to go.”

Grabbing my purse, I bolted for the door, barely seeing out of the corner of my eye that Thorn, his face pale, was watching me. But I didn't let it stop me. I ran for the door….

And I didn't look back.

It had been four days since I told Rose the truth about what happened that night. Four days since she'd looked at me like the monster I was and run away. I didn't blame her. Not one bit. I'd known all along what I'd done to Mikey, and it was why I'd sworn to give my life away like I had. It was why I had tried to talk myself out of loving Rose, and wishing that we could be happy together when I knew we wouldn't be.

How could she love the man responsible for her brother's death?

The man who left her alone in this world?

I got released from the hospital last night. My injuries were healing, and Father John was alive, and even the texting teen who'd hit us was okay. No one had died. And yet, I felt like a hollow shell…because I'd lost Rose. And I wasn't getting her back this time. She couldn't forgive me, and I couldn't blame her. It was time for me to go.

To give her the chance to live a life without me in it.

The bells tolled above me, and we all stood in the church. I was at the front of the church, past all the pews, at the altar. The bells above played the tune that signified a new priest had been ordained, and announced to the campus that a new spiritual leader had joined their ranks. I studied the crowd surrounding us, and they all smiled at the newest priest in their midst. The smells of chrism and incense lingered in the air, weighing me down.

I buried my hands in my heavy white robes, glancing down at the blue carpet surrounding the altar. The tips of my black boots stuck out beyond my robes, so I focused on them. It was easier than searching the crowd for the one face I knew I wouldn't find.

Father John grinned, holding his arms out and hands up in prayer. “On this glorious day, we welcome a son into our midst, who has now become a father, and we ask God to bless him in all his holiness. Today, we welcome Father—” The door flew open, and the sun shone into the small church as Father John cut himself off.

I blinked against the sudden brightness and squinted toward the door. Everyone turned around, staring in surprise. After the door closed behind the newest addition to our happy little gathering, I stiffened when I saw the familiar brown hair and expressive blue eyes of Rose Gallagher. She had her diamond nose stud in today, and wore a gray dress that hit at the knee and a pair of black boots. I could just barely make out the edges of the dragon tattoo on her shoulder. She looked like a completely different girl from the one I'd found in the hospital a couple of months ago.

She jokingly called it boring. I seriously called it beautiful.

Her exquisiteness was breathtaking. Life changing. She was a breath of fresh air in a world full of stale, stagnant rooms. She was life, love, and death—and everything in between. I'd thought we wouldn't see each other again, because after this ceremony, I was heading out of town. Leaving behind this life, and everything that reminded me of Rose, Mikey, and all I'd lost. All I'd taken, too. She was fine now. She had a job and a place, and she didn't need me hanging around, reminding her of what I'd taken from her.

When she saw me standing before the altar with Father John, she stumbled forward a step, but caught herself. “Wait! I object! I'm not forever holding my peace!” She paused. “Wait. Can I do that? Can I object?”

Father John stared at me, incredulous. “Rose—”

“I forgive you,” Rose called out, taking another step forward. “I forgive you for everything, and you need to forgive yourself, too. You can't promise yourself away to a life you assigned yourself as penance….”

A woman in a pink dress stood, her face white. “Excuse me? Who do you think you are?” She turned back to the altar, glowering up at us. “Who is this woman?”

“I'm sorry. So sorry,” Rose said quickly, her cheeks flushing pink. She glanced at the crowd around us apologetically. “Being a priest isn't penance for
everyone,
that's not what I meant, but for Thorn”—she looked at me again—“for
you,
it is. Don't do it. Don't take those vows, Thorn.”

“Thorn?” a woman in the front row said, leaning toward her male companion. “Who's
Thorn
?”

I rubbed the back of my neck, letting out a nervous laugh. “I am,” I said to the woman, and then I turned to Rose and raised my voice. “Rose, you don't need—”

“Please,” she said, her voice barely reaching me. “Don't do it.”

My heart pounded against my ribs, my chest ached, and my stomach twisted and turned till I was sure I'd hurl all over the altar. Because she was here. Watching me.

And I loved her so much it
hurt
.

Every time I'd heard that phrase before, I'd thought that was a cliché, but it turned out it is a cliché because it is true. You can actually love someone so much it hurts to see them, to think about them, to dream about them, to have them, to lose them. I knew that now.

“Thorn.” Father John cleared his throat. “Would you please…?”

“Y-yes,” I answered, finally looking away from Rose. I had a lot to say to her. Tons. But up here at the altar with a room full of people was not the time to do so. “Sorry. I'll just—”

“No!”
Rose stumbled forward another step, holding her hand out to me, her eyes welling with tears. “Please don't make this choice! I don't hate you. I don't hate you at all. I never could. Never will.”

“Oh, for Pete's sake!” The woman in pink threw up her hands. “Sit down!”

Rose ignored her. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want those babies, and a wedding, and all that stuff you mentioned.” She wrung her hands in front of her and shifted her feet nervously. “Don't marry the church. Marry
me
.”

I'd been trying to hold still. Trying to figure out a way to discreetly end this. But the second she opened her mouth to say she loved me, it was a lost cause. I shot Father John and Robert an apologetic look, unable to stop the grin from spreading across my face, and I took off down the altar, ripping my robes off over my head as I strode toward Rose.

As I descended the steps of the altar, half the church gasped, and the other half looked seconds from applauding. One lady raised her hand to her mouth and covered it, as the gentleman next to her crossed himself. Rose came up the aisle, too, each step growing steadier than the last. We met halfway, right next to a nun—who was smiling wider than I was. Rose threw herself at me and I caught her, hugging her against my chest and kissing her with all the love, pain, frustration, and hope I held deep within my heart. She curled her fists into my shirt, kissing me back just as passionately.

When we broke apart, she took a shaky breath and said, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I breathed, resting my forehead on hers. She'd forgiven me. Actually forgiven me. “I—”

Father John cleared his throat again.
“Thorn.”

Then I remembered where we were, and what we'd been doing right before Rose had come into the church. I let go of her and turned back to the altar, my cheeks heating. “Sorry. So sorry. We'll…uh…we'll go.”

Father John's lips twitched into an almost smile. “Please do.”

I entwined my fingers with Rose's, bent down to pick up my robes, and led her back toward the door. As Father John continued his prayer, Rose glanced over her shoulder with wide eyes. “Wait. Why is he still welcoming you into the church? You're leaving.”

“He isn't.” A grin played with my lips as I remembered the scandalized look on the lady in pink's face as I'd jumped off the altar. “He's welcoming my classmate
Robert,
the newest priest in the church. I was just an altar boy today.”

She gasped, covering her mouth, and looked back at the altar again. “Oh my God. No.
No
. Seriously?”

“Seriously,” I said drily.

Burying her face in my arm, she let out a groan. “Get me out of here. Get me out of here
now
.”

“It's not that bad,” I teased, covering her hand with mine on my biceps. “It could have been worse.”

“How?” she asked, her voice muffled in my arm. “How could it have possibly been worse?”

I froze. “You…I…He…” Another laugh came out. “I don't know. I was just trying to make you feel better. You weren't supposed to ask me for details.”

She laughed.
“Thorn.”

I laid my robes on the pew just before the vestibule and led her out into the sunlight. The second we were out of the church, I picked her up in my arms and cradled her to my chest. She gasped and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I love you.”

Her mouth tilted up at the corners. “I love you, too. But why are you carrying me?”

“Because I'm never letting go of you again.” Lowering my mouth to hers, I brushed my lips against hers sweetly before pulling back. “Ever.”

She nodded, the pink tip of her tongue peeking out. “Good.” She played with my hair as I walked toward my car. “You scared me.”

I raised a brow. “How did
I
scare
you
?”

“I heard the bells, and I thought I was too late. I thought you'd taken your vows.” She rested her cheek on my shoulder. “I'm going to sound crazy, but honestly, it was like I heard Mikey's voice in the back of my head, telling me not to think, or feel, or analyze anything. To just…
run
. So I didn't think. Didn't pause. I just ran.”

I tightened my grip on her. “How could you think for even a second that I could take those vows after I told you I loved you? Those words don't come lightly to me, and they're not just
words
.”

“I know.” She bit her tongue. “But when I heard the bells, for the first time in my life, I had regrets. So damn many. I never should have walked out of that hospital room that night. I never should have told you to take your vows. And I never should have told you I hated you in my bedroom. I don't. I never will.”

Not speaking, I opened the door for her, and she slid inside. As I came around the back of the car, I rubbed my face. We made the short ride to her apartment in silence. As soon as the door shut behind us, she curled her fists in my shirt and tried to pull me in for a kiss. I covered her hands with mine, and shook my head. “No.”

She blinked at me. “No?”

“No.” Stepping out of her arms, I dragged my hands down my face. “Sit.”

She blinked at me, setting her keys down on the ledge on the stairs. “What? Why?”

“Just sit down. If you don't sit, I'll kiss you. And if I kiss you, we won't talk. And we need to talk. We need to clear the air. We can't start a future when the past isn't settled.” I dropped my hands. “So sit. Please.”

She sat. “What's wrong?”

“I killed Mikey.”

She gripped her knees. “It was an accident.”

“I know. But I still—”

“Didn't we talk about this enough?
Jesus
.”

“I need to know you truly forgive me. Because I'm going to be honest. I'll never forgive myself.” I shook my head slowly, standing in front of her. “Not in a million years.”

“But
I
do, and he would have, too. He passed out in that driver's seat, so you did the best you could think of.” She pressed her tongue against the inside of her lip, where her lip ring had been. “You chose a safe place to pull over.”

I swallowed hard. “But he still died, no matter my intentions.”

“I know,” she said softly.

“We've known each other a long time.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” she said. “Your point?”

“We have history. Lots of it.”

She let out an annoyed breath. “Again…your point?”

“I've spent my whole life telling myself that love is a weapon, not a blessing. That the only way to avoid being destroyed like my mother when Dad walked away was to keep my heart safe. Fuck lots of girls, but never the same one twice. Never trust. Never care.” I shoved my hands into my pockets. “But with you, I always cared. I saw it as my weakness. My biggest fault. Caring about you was going to bring me down.”

She bit her lip. “I would never do that to you. Never hurt you.”

“I'd like to say I'll never hurt you, but let's be honest. We're human. It's human nature to hurt each other every once in a while. To fight, and make up.”

She flinched. “Okay, yes, but I promise not to be unnecessarily cruel.”

“Me, too.” I knelt in front of her and rested a hand on her knee. “I might not have known what love is, or what it feels like, but I swear with all my heart that I'll love you forever. That nothing will make me stop. That I'll never use our love as a weapon against you, no matter what comes between us. No matter what happens. But I need to know…” I cupped her face, sucking in a deep breath.
“Do you truly forgive me, Rose?”