Lysistrata (6 page)

L
YCON WANDERED
disconsolately around the square. The babble of voices and the ascendant cries of vendors, always previously so melodious in his ears, now struck him as a hideous cacophony. The antics of the clowns were the gyrations and contortions of a kind of sinister madness. The flower girls, in spite of romantic nonsense of poets to the contrary, were vulgar wenches without grace or glamour. Nothing was bright, nothing was sane, nothing was pleasing to the senses. It was absolutely intolerable, he thought, to submit any longer to such monstrous distortions of reality. Or of what he had once considered reality. The truth was, he had become so confused and depressed by events that he no longer had any faith in his ability to distinguish between what was real or normal and what was not. The only thing he knew with certainty was that he must return to Pylos at once for the sake of his dignity, if not for his very sanity. He had never before thought of Pylos as a refuge, but he did so now.

Looking ahead, he was suddenly aware of Acron approaching. Having no desire whatever to see or talk with Acron at this time, he ducked into a convenient lounge, but it was no use. Acron had seen him, and followed him immediately into the lounge.

“Lycon,” he said, “I hope I am mistaken, for the sake of our long friendship, but I had the distinct impression just now that you were trying to avoid me.”

“Avoid you?” said Lycon. “Why in the world should I want to avoid you?”

“You know very well why you want to avoid me, and I assure you that you are wasting time in trying to evade the issue. It is not an act of friendship to be so deceptive.”

“To my knowledge, I have not deceived you in any way, and I’d appreciate your being specific, at least, if you feel compelled to abuse me.”

“Oh, such dissemblance! Shame on you, Lycon! Do you deny that you have gotten us into the most humiliating and distressing mess through your inability to control things at home?”

“I don’t deny that I am in such a mess, which is truly humiliating, as you say, but I don’t see why
you
should be excessively disturbed about it.”

“I declare, Lycon, you are either the most artful dodger in the world, or you are truly ignorant of what has developed.”

“If anything at all has developed, I am certainly ignorant of it.”

“Then permit me to inform you that Calonice has been converted to Lysistrata’s treachery.”

“You mean she has refused to accommodate you?”

“What else could I mean? Furthermore, I am convinced that she would never have adopted such a monstrous attitude, or even have thought of it, if she had not been subjected to Lysistrata’s influence. You are therefore responsible, Lycon, and must answer for it.”

“In what way can I be held responsible for someone who is obviously irrational? It’s not my fault, Acron, that you are being deprived of pleasure. Besides, as you well know, I have troubles of my own, and am not inclined at this time to assume yours.”

“If your dog goes mad and bites a neighbor, you’re responsible, aren’t you? Of course, you are. And a man is certainly as responsible for his wife as he is for his dog. The only difference that I can see is that a wife’s defections are likely to have more serious consequences.”

“This is nonsense, and you know it, and you are only trying to put the blame on me because you are naturally upset and disgruntled. Have you made any effort to restore Calonice’s reason?”

“I’ve beat her thoroughly, if that’s what you mean.”

“Was it effective?”

“Not particularly. She did a lot of howling, which was some satisfaction to me, but in the end she only seemed to become more stubborn because of it. I have never known her to show such fortitude before, and I’m convinced that Lysistrata has put her under some kind of spell which induces extraordinary powers of resistance.”

“I know what you mean. It’s exceedingly frustrating, for a fact. Do you think this business is contagious and will spread generally?”

“After piecing together some of the idiocies babbled by Calonice after her beating, I concluded that some program of evangelism is actually projected. I doubt, however, that it will go any farther than Lysistrata and Calonice. They are close friends, as we know, and are peculiarly susceptible to each other’s nonsense. You are more experienced in this rebellion by two days than I am, Lycon. Surely you can now suggest a practical way to bring them around.”

“I have had no luck whatever with Lysistrata and can suggest nothing regarding Calonice.”

“Have you no plan of action?”

“Yes, I have. If you want to know the truth, old boy, I plan to leave town as soon as possible.”

“Really? When?”

“Tomorrow, perhaps.”

“Well, now that you have mentioned it, I have had something like that in mind myself. Perhaps our affairs will have returned to normal by the time we come back to Athens again.”

“Possibly. I have heard that various manias and mental ills will dissipate naturally if left alone and not aggravated by nostrums and ignorant physicians.”

“Will you return to Pylos?”

“Yes, to Pylos. And I wish I were there this instant, as a matter of fact, for here comes Cadmus. In my condition, I would rather be kicked three times around the square than to be compelled to listen to his chatter.”

“Notice how fierce he looks. It seems to me that he is angry about something.”

And he was. Cadmus was angry. He loped into the lounge with his chiton flapping, bending slightly forward from the waist as if he were about to launch a physical attack and glaring in the most ferocious manner at Lycon.

“There you are, Lycon,” he said. “I have been looking all over for you.”

“How are you, Cadmus?”

“I am not at all well, if you want to know. In fact, I have never before been so upset and positively furious.”

“That’s an unusual condition for a philosopher, isn’t it? Hasn’t Empedocles taught you how to sustain serenity, as well as how to heal the afflicted with words?”

“Well, never mind that. I refuse to be distracted in this matter.”

“What
is
the matter, by the way?”

“Corruption, that’s the matter! I simply will not tolerate having my wife corrupted by your wife Lysistrata.”

“Nausica, too?” said Acron.

“What do you mean?” Cadmus turned toward Acron, his voice skidding upward. “Is it possible that Calonice is also party to this depravity?”

“Since we are all fools together, I may as well admit that she is.”

“Monstrous! It’s absolutely monstrous! I tell you that I had the most frightful forebodings of disaster the instant I was told of Lysistrata’s strange behavior. Lycon, it would have been only simple decency on your part to have kept your troubles at home and not go passing them around among your friends.”

“Well, I’m delighted to have your opinion, Cadmus. My friend Acron has just been abusing me shamefully for something I could in no way help, and now I can see that you expect to do likewise. I ought to warn you, however, that I’m in a state of nerves, which you may understand, and it’s possible that I may lose control of myself and punch you in the eye.”

Cadmus blinked and took a step backward and appeared to be considering the threat to his person.

“I may have been unjust in my remarks, Lycon,” he said finally, “but I am quite upset and not wholly responsible. What we must do, rather than to squander our potential in squabbling, is to combine forces in an effort to end this humiliating situation before it spreads to the wives of other unfortunate citizens. I declare, this is something that could become as fashionable among women as a new paint for the eyelids. What do you suggest?”

“Have you tried beating Nausica?” Acron asked.

“Yes, I have. I tried.”

“You seem to be implying a qualification. Were the results unfortunate?”

“To tell the truth, they were exactly the reverse of what I intended. That Nausica is a resourceful and powerful woman, she really is. When I approached to strike the first blow, she picked up a heavy stick, which she had taken to bed in anticipation of my action, and beat me on the back and shoulders with it. Only by covering my head with my arms was I able to avoid a fractured skull. In the meanwhile, she called me several names that I didn’t dream were in her vocabulary. If you’re interested in evidence, I can show you the welts and bruises under my chiton.”

“I am not interested,” said Lycon.

“Nor I,” said Acron. “I don’t care to see them.”

“We hope you will excuse us,” said Lycon.

“Certainly,” said Cadmus. “I just thought you might be interested, but I have no desire to impose my injuries upon you. What action did you take with Calonice, Acron?”

“The same. I beat her.”

“Did she respond?”

“Only with howls and pigheadedness. Like you, I accomplished nothing constructive or encouraging.”

“They’re demented, that’s what they are. It is well known that demented people become as courageous as lions. What possible plan of action can we devise?”

“Acron and I have already devised one,” Lycon said.

“Really? Since I am vitally concerned, perhaps you would be good enough to tell me what it is.”

“We are going to leave town.”

“What? That’s clearly impossible.”

“On the contrary, it’s quite simple.”

“Well, it’s all right for you two fellows to run back to the war, but I am a non-combatant, as you know very well, and have no such place to go. You are leaving me to bear the brunt of this alone, that’s what you’re doing, and I tell you frankly that I consider it cowardly.”

“Cowardly! Who are you, Cadmus, to accuse anyone of cowardice? At least we have not permitted ourselves to be beaten by a woman with a stick.”

“You know perfectly well that I am frail physically, Lycon, and it is petty of you to ridicule me because of it.”

“If you don’t wish to be ridiculed, you had better stop charging people with cowardice.”

“Yes, Cadmus,” said Acron, “do stop to consider before you speak. As for deserting you, I will be happy to have you accompany me when I leave. I’m sure you could be fitted in somewhere, in spite of your frailty.”

“Not at all!” Cadmus looked horrified. “It might be the death of me.”

“Well,” said Acron, “a war might be the death of anyone. That’s understood.”

“At any rate,” said Lycon, “a little wine would not be the death of us, and on the other hand it might do us considerable good. Shall we split the price of a skin?”

T
HEORIS CAME
again to rouse her Mistress, casting her shadow behind her. This morning, however, she was exceptionally early even for the early rising Athenians, for it was still two full hours before dawn. In the city streets, the rowdies and roisterers were thinning and dispersing after the gaudy night. From the fields of Attica, farmers were moving through darkness toward the city walls with fresh produce for the market. In her bed, sleeping lightly, Lysistrata stirred and wakened to the whispers of sound Theoris made. She sat up immediately and yawned and stretched and knuckled her eyes like a child.

“Theoris,” she said, “has the time arrived?”

“Yes, Mistress,” Theoris said. “I have come obediently, as you instructed, but I am still of the opinion that you had much better stay in bed like a lady and forego this dangerous business for good and all.”

“Do you think it a cardinal requisite of being a lady to lie in bed passively and suffer indignities endlessly?”

“I don’t know about that, for I have had no personal experience in being a lady. What I know, however, is that you are likely to be destroyed in the plot you have contrived, and it will cause me to feel bad and take the pleasure out of life.”

“For how long?”

“Surely you don’t mock my concern.”

“Not at all. The truth is, I am quite touched by it. I am only pointing out that it is customary to recover eventually from grief. But regardless of that, I will not be deterred in my undertaking, which I consider basically noble and beneficial to all of us.”

“To my way of thinking, there is little benefit in being killed or beaten or exiled to an unpleasant place.”

“That’s true, of course, but we must be optimistic about our chances of avoiding all those possibilities. Anyhow, everything is arranged and settled and must now be carried out according to plan at any cost. We have achieved wonders, Theoris, since Lycon and Acron ran off abjectly to their miserable war. This achievement is the result of intelligence and application, and I believe that the men could never have managed anything comparable. They would have gobbled interminably about it in open assembly, and would then have turned it over to the Council of Five Hundred, which would have gobbled about it even longer than the Assembly. You will have to admit that we have proceeded much more quietly and efficiently.”

“I do admit it. I only hope it goes as well hereafter.”

“Well, we have reached the crisis of the matter, and we shall soon see. Nausica, who has been absolutely fierce in her devotion and determination, will lead this morning the shock troops of intrepid Athenian wives who will wrest the Acropolis from its keepers. Meanwhile, outside the five gates, I shall meet the envoys of the wives of Athens’ enemies. Even now they are on their various ways to the appointed place, and it will be my task as local leader to enlist their aid in converting their countrywomen to our rebellion.”

“As to your power of persuasion, I am convinced. But I am not so certain of Nausica’s part. Can she possibly succeed in such a perilous undertaking? Surely there will be violence and blood and broken skulls. Suppose she is repulsed, the Acropolis un-taken.”

“Nausica fail? Pshaw, Theoris! I can see that you have underestimated Nausica, even as I was guilty of doing, I confess, before she demonstrated her capacity so brilliantly. The Acropolis is in the care of old men who will be no match, I assure you. Haven’t you heard how effectively she handled Cadmus?”

“I have heard that she made things difficult for him.”

“It’s true. She leaped upon him with a stick and beat thoroughly, and she has twice beaten him since on the thinnest pretexts, just to make certain that he doesn’t attempt to assert himself again. The poor fellow is absolutely cowed.”

“I must confess that I feel rather sorry for him.”

“So do I, to tell the truth, but it is essential to the cause to be ruthless. Pity, for the moment, has no place. Cadmus is, of course, in an impossible position. Lycon and Acron ran off like cowards to Pylos, being afraid of the situation at home, but poor Cadmus is afraid of everything in the least threatening, Pylos as well as Nausica, and so he is utterly trapped and has no escape whatever.”

“Is Calonice firm in the cause?”

“Oh, yes. After her initial reluctance, she has become quite rabid. This is often the case with reluctant converts. It has been in her favor that Acron left so soon after she joined us. She is especially susceptible to requests for accommodation and might have defected if he had remained to tempt her. But time is passing, Theoris, and I must waste no more of it. Is my bath ready?”

“Yes, Mistress.”

“Good. You needn’t come to assist me. While I am bathing, lay out a clean white peplos and a warm cloak. The air in the streets will be chill, and especially on the height of the Acropolis.

“Bring me some wine and bread from the kitchen. I had better eat before I leave, for it may be some time before I have another chance.”

“Are you actually determined, then, to go ahead?”

“Certainly. What must I do to convince you?”

“I only hoped that you might find it expedient to change your mind, but I can see now that there is no hope of it, and I must become resigned.”

“You are a loyal and cherished companion and maid, Theoris, but you do not understand the problems of citizens. Now do as I instructed, for I shall certainly waste not another minute.”

She went out of the room into the court on her way to the bathroom, and Theoris, after laying out the peplos and cloak, hurried to the kitchen. To her surprise, the kitchen was lighted by torches placed in holders on the walls, and the cook was already puttering about in a rather leisurely manner among his pots. She pulled up with a startled little whinny, and sidled warily around him on an imaginary circumference of safety.

“You don’t have to be so cautious,” he said sullenly. “It’s far too early in the morning to enjoy patting your behind. If you weren’t so vain, it wouldn’t even occur to you at this hour.”

“One does not need to be vain,” she said, “to suspect you of the grossest bestiality at any hour whatever. I am still bearing the marks of your great thumb and finger.”

“I don’t believe it. You are only trying to make something big out of a trifling pinch. It wouldn’t surprise me if you told the Mistress that I attacked you.”

“It occurred to me, to tell the truth, and I may do it yet if you don’t begin treating me with a little more consideration.”

“Tell her what you like. My services are more valuable than yours in this house. Besides, I would only deny it and make you appear a flagrant little liar, which is what you are.”

“You forget that I have the marks to prove it.”

“Another of your lies. The marks have vanished long ago.”

“They have not. I tell you I still have them, although a bit faded.”

“Prove it, then.”

“Oh, no! Do you think I’m so innocent as to be taken in that crudely? You are only trying to get me to display myself, you lewd fellow. I thought you weren’t interested in such things at this hour.”

“I’m not. I merely wanted you to display your vanity again, for it amuses me. Do you think I would get any pleasure out of seeing your skinny behind?”

“It’s not skinny, and you are truly the most ignorant and offensive fellow I have ever known. You’re an animal, that’s what you are. I feel like spitting on you.”

“You ever spit on me, it will be slut chowder for dinner.”

“Step aside, if you please! I was sent here on an urgent errand for the Mistress, and I am delayed by your interference. If you don’t stop molesting me, I shall certainly get you into serious trouble.”

“You persist in lying, I see. The Mistress is sound asleep in her bed.”

“On the contrary, she is wide awake. In fact, she is at this moment bathing, and I have been sent in the meanwhile to bring bread and wine for her breakfast.”

“Why should she have breakfast so early? When you trifle with the truth, you should at least make your stories reasonable.”

“I concede that you are fully qualified to instruct me in the art of lying, for you are known to everyone as the most accomplished liar alive. You have become so used to lies, however, that you have lost the capacity to recognize the truth when you hear it.”

“You still haven’t told me why the Mistress should breakfast so early.”

“Because she is going out on an important mission, that’s why.”

“Indeed! And I suppose she always confides in you concerning matters of importance?”

“Yes, she does. We are really quite intimate, as I have told you, and I am allowed to know what is going on.”

“Pardon me, please. I didn’t dream that you were of such tremendous importance around here.”

“You would do well to learn it and remember it the next time you are inclined to molest me.”

By this time, Theoris had inched her way to the bread. Helping herself, she moved with more boldness to the supply of wine, from which she also helped herself. She then moved toward the door with an exaggerated swaying of her slender hips. The cook, plainly uncertain as to the truth of her story, but strongly inclined to believe that she was brazenly taking the bread and wine for her own use, watched her for a minute in indecision. Then, regaining his assurance a fraction of a second too late, he made a powerful swipe at her behind that would certainly have knocked her sprawling if it had landed. With a skip and a squeal, holding tightly to the bread and wine, Theoris reached the door. Turning, she spat in the direction of the cook and then scurried back through the court to Lysistrata’s room.

Lysistrata had already returned from her bath and was clothed in the white peplos. She looked at Theoris curiously.

“Why are you breathing so hard?” she said. “Have you been running?”

“I know you wish to be about your business, so I hurried.”

“On the contrary, it seems to me that you took an unconscionable time.”

“I’m truly sorry, Mistress. I had to convince the cook, who was already in the kitchen, that I was not stealing the bread and wine for myself.”

“Well, no matter. In order to save time, I’ll eat while you are braiding my hair. Will that disturb you?”

“No, Mistress.”

While Lysistrata ate sparingly of bread dipped in wine, for she was far too excited to have an appetite, Theoris deftly braided her hair and bound the heavy braids around her head. After Theoris was finished, Lysistrata stood up and drew her heavy cloak about her shoulders.

“Now I must leave,” she said. “How long I shall be gone is impossible to predict. Theoris, my good companion as well as my slave, I charge you to look after my affairs until I return. And please don’t produce any tears, for they are not required. Do you think you can handle things competently?”

“I can handle everything, Mistress, except possibly the cook. I am not sure of the cook.”

“It’s true that he’s a sullen and insolent fellow, besides being a natural liar. I often find him difficult to handle myself. I advise you to stay out of the kitchen as much as possible, which is usually my own policy except in cases of strict necessity.”

“I shall do as you advise, I assure you, for he is in fact extremely naughty, as well as being the other things you mentioned.”

“Oh, well, naughtiness often lends a little interest to things if it is controlled properly. Good-by, Theoris.”

“Good-by, Mistress, and good luck.”

Turning away, Lysistrata went out through the rear garden into the street. Theoris sat down and began to finish the bread and wine that her mistress had left. She wondered how far the cook was likely to go in response to her baiting, and more important than that, how far she was willing for him to go.