Maggie for Hire (12 page)

Xiaoming took out his cigarette and pointed a leathery finger at the symbol, “This from Shadow Elf.  They not know meaning of jade lion.  They only know it thing of power.  You say vampire after it?”

“Yes.”

“And ‘shitty family’?  They after it, too?”

“Yes.”

“Why you after it?”

I sighed and pointed my thumb at Killian, “Because this elf here hired me to keep the border between Earth and the Other Side from collapsing and, evidently, this little jade lion is something important.”

Xiaoming nodded, “That is a good reason.”

He took a drag off his cigarette and sized me up, “Okay, friend of Father Killarney, I will tell you.”  He leaned forward, “This jade lion very old.  It comes from China.  You know where China is?”

“I am not an idiot, Xiaoming.”

“Educational system in America is not as good as in China.  You may be idiot.  It is hard to tell with you white people.”

The elf started to laugh and tried to cover it up as a cough into his sleeve.  I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Xiaoming, I’ve got to figure out if I’m hanging with my sister tonight or if I’ve got time to make it back to the portal.  Let’s speed through the insults and get to the info part of this conversation.”

“This jade lion protect the Other Side portal to China.  It was made by emperor who was a very powerful man.  Very strong.  Even when old, he does not need dried tiger penis to make the babies.”

“Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Too much information, Xiaoming.”

“That is how strong emperor is!  He have many Shaolin monks to carve this jade lion with their bare hands.”

“You can’t carve jade—-”

He cut me off and stared me dead in the eye to make sure I understood the gravity of the claim he was making, “This emperor so powerful, his monks so powerful, they carve jade with their fingernails.”

Alrighty.  Jade lion.  Carved out of Shaolin monk fingernails.  As awful as it sounds to say, I’d heard of stranger things.  I motioned for him to continue.

“He make two lions of strongest elements.  One jade.  One diamond.  They can open or close portal.  Jade Lion on Other Side facing Earth.  Diamond Lion on Earth facing Other Side.  If facing wrong way, portal closed.  Facing right way, portal opened.  Anyone can make portal.  He make it for his son who is not magic.”

Little lights started coming on in my head, “Wait.  You’re saying that if you have someone on either side of the boundary with control of these lions, you can just tear right through, no problem?”

“That, white girl, is what I am saying to you.  You say the Jade Lion taken by the Shadow Elves?  That is better than vampire, but still, not good.  You say shitty relatives after it, too.  This is bad.  You, elf, you get jade lion from Shadow Elves and make safe on Other Side.  You, white girl, you get diamond lion.”

“Where is the diamond lion?” I asked.

“I do not know.  Somewhere on Earth.  Lions cannot cross boundary.  He is here on Earth somewhere.  You find diamond lion and bring him to me.  I take him to China and keep him safe.”

“How can you keep the diamond lion safe?  Your security gate doesn’t even shut.”

And then there was a growl from the door.  I looked over and the two concrete lions had turned to stare at me in a very non-concrete manner.  One of them lifted up his lip to give me a low growl.

My bad.

“Xiaoming, you can’t blame a girl for being nervous about your security when you failed to mention your statuary comes to life.”

He waved at the lions and they returned to their original positions.

“You bring it to me.  I take it back to China.  I have a passport.  You find the diamond lion. And you tell Father Killarney he owe me money from our last poker game.”

“I will certainly tell him that.”

And with that, Xiaoming waved us out.  Killian and I rose from our seats and backed out of the room feeling a bit like we had been steamrolled.

Chapter 26

I clicked the little doohickey on my keychain and my car merrily beeped at me.  I let out a groan as I saw that there was a parking ticket sitting on my windshield.  Why is it every time I try to save a buck and park at a meter instead of the garage, I end up having to pay $40?

I leaned over and shoved the ticket in my purse.

“What’s that?” asked Killian.

“Just a donation request to support the brave public servants of Los Angeles during this time of budgetary shortfalls.”

In the Other Side, they knew me well enough to let it slide.  Note to self:  get snuggly with local law enforcement.  Or just the meter maids.

I revved up the car and looked in my rear view window, noticing a navy blue SUV pulling out.  I waited for it to go around, but the driver waved me to cut in front of him.  Evidently, there were such things as gentlemen in Los Angeles.

A couple miles down the road though, I realized that the SUV was following me turn for turn.  I slowly wove around the blocks and side streets until we were back by Xiaoming’s.  The SUV stuck two cars behind me the whole way.

“Hey, Killian?”

“Yes?” he said as he flipped through my CD collection.  The man had trouble sitting still.

“Look in the rear view.  You recognize that blue SUV?”

Killian readjusted my mirror so that he could get a good look without having to turn around, “No.”

The driver was completely non-descript.  White guy, brown hair, sunglasses.  I’d have trouble picking him out of a lineup.

“Thoughts?” I asked.

“Outrun him?”

I looked at the wall-to-wall car bumpers and their red flashy brake lights in front of us as far as the eye could see.

“Let’s try Plan B.”

I pulled over to an empty space and turned off the engine.  I saw the blue SUV scramble and pull up at a red curb.  Amateur. 

“Stay,” I commanded Killian.  And he did.  If only commanding human men was usually as easy...

I got out of the car and walked back to the SUV.  The guy tried to turn on his engine and pull out, but I decided to stand in his way. 

I knocked on his window and he rolled it down.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“I’m just an ordinary citizen.  You should get out of the street before a hazardous situation unfolds,” he stammered.

I folded my arms and leaned on his windowsill, giving him a good ol’ look down my shirt.  He gulped uncomfortably.

“Now, don’t be like that,” I smiled.  “I caught your tail fair and square.  Now, why don’t you tell me what I can do for you?”

“I... uh... I thought... Want to go out on a date?” he offered lamely.

“Listen, I’m asking really nicely,” I said as I reached into the car and grabbed him by both lapels.  “You seem like you’re new to all this and stuff.  Why don’t you just tell me why you’re following me and I won’t reshape your nose into something with a bit more character.”

He sighed and pulled out a badge, “We received a tip that an international smuggler of rare antiquities resided in that building and that we should monitor it.  I saw you go in and come out, but I did not see an exchange take place so... I thought maybe I should follow you.”

I smoothed out the guy’s shirt, “Agent...?”

“Agent Hogs.”

“Wait, really?”

He blushed bright red, “It was a thing at Ellis Island when my family came over...”

I was getting sidetracked, “Listen, Agent Hogs, I am not a member of an international smuggling ring, nor is the man who resides there.  Xiaoming is an historian and a scholar.  That’s it.  Whoever gave you this information was lying.”

Agent Hogs protested, “He has a whole lot of trips to China...”

I pulled out my business card and handed it to him, “He deals in antiquities, Agent Hogs.  He doesn’t steal.”

At least I hoped that Xiaoming didn’t steal, but the agent looked utterly defeated, so rock on with my bad self for hitting a plausible truth with a shot in the dark.

“We have reason to believe that Xiaoming’s safety may be at risk,” I continued, trying to

assure the rookie.  “You staking out his house is probably a great idea.  Just let me know if there is any trouble or if any suspicious characters go to visit, okay?”

“Okay.”

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Agent.”

“Likewise.”

I walked back to my car and watched as Agent Hogs pulled out a cell phone before driving down the street.  I opened the door and climbed inside, “Well, that’s handled.  Let’s find ourselves a diamond lion statue.”

Unfortunately, the search was momentarily delayed as my car and the cars around me were thrown thirty feet.

Chapter 27

Car alarms were going off and sirens could be heard in the distance.

“That fucking boundary...” I swore, holding my hand to my temple.  My forehead was

bleeding where I had conked myself on the suicide bar.  “Why is it that my airbags never deploy?”

Killian was on the alert, looking where the boundary had bulged.  It shimmered for just a moment and then went back to normal.

“Another failed portal,” he said.

“Yah, that’s what I was thinking,” I muttered as I looked around at the chaos.  Stunned civilians were starting to get out of their cars and exchange insurance information with one another.  I got out to see how bad the damage was to my vehicle.  I sighed as I eyed the dented-in door, thinking about all the fun new claims I was going to have to explain to my insurance company.

“I’ve never felt such an earthquake!” remarked a pale, redheaded gal in a car one over.

Other than the cosmetic damage, it appeared that my car hadn’t hit anyone, so I was getting ready to hop back inside when I felt a hand grab my elbow.

I turned, ready to nail whoever it was in the face, but pulled my punch when I saw it was Xiaoming.

“Xiaoming?  What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I followed SUV following you.  Make sure you not big, fat liar.  You not liar.  You stupid.  You come now!”

There was another terrible bulge in the boundary.  It sent a VW bug through a live animals market and hundreds of chickens were suddenly flying free.  Score one for the chickens.

“That is Jade Lion,” said Xiaoming.  “Too much power.  Only works with world walker.  Cannot work in hands of non-magic without Diamond Lion.  But if lion rests eyes on you, border will open.  You will be a noodle and the border will be like mouth.”  He made a slurping motion, indicating what fun I had in store if I happened to face the wrong way.  I needed to train this guy in the fine art of conversation.  Ew.

“You must follow me.”

We ducked into a smoky mahjong hall.  It was kind of like a church bingo place, long folding brown tables and chairs.  They obviously hadn’t gotten the notice on the “no indoor smoking” ban.  Old guys chewed on black cigarettes and stared at us suspiciously.  Xiaoming spat out something in Chinese and hustled us through.  I saw a group pick up their table and stand at the ready to place it in front of our exit spot.

We dashed through the concrete plaza of old Chinatown, past the brightly colored buildings and a statue of some random Chinese leader.

Xiaoming led us over to the subway.  He shooed us up to the elevated platform, “I will bring your car to Father Killarney.  You go to top of train station and wait for me.”

Chapter 28

I wasn’t too sure how great I felt about hanging out on an elevated platform to catch a train instead of staying nice and safe with my feet on the ground.  But for whatever reason, Xiaoming thought we needed to take the train.  So be it.

After about ten minutes watching clouds of smoke erupt all over Chinatown from whatever amateur was trying to wield the lion, I looked down the track for the train.

And then I saw our transport.

If I wouldn’t have felt so completely ridiculous doing it, I would have rubbed my eyes in disbelief.  There was Xiaoming, cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth, on a pump cart like you see in the old Wile E. Coyote cartoons.  The thing that made this cart different was that the whole thing was made of polished silver.

I stuck my thumb out and Xiaoming pulled up to the platform.

“Nice ride,” I remarked.

“I pimped it for you,” he replied dryly.

I always get the comedians.

Killian leapt over to the cart and then held out his hand for me.  Usually, I would scoff at such niceties, but my head was bleeding fairly profusely in that way that only head wounds can bleed.

“Thanks,” I said.  He helped me to sit and then took a place on the opposite handle.  Between him and Xiaoming, we accelerated to a pretty respectable speed.

“So,” I said, trying to come up with some polite chit chat, “you just keep this baby locked in your garage?”

Xiaoming grunted, “It is for protection.  Silver wheels keep us from bad magic attack.  Like your stealth bomber, but on train track.”

Stealth.  Right.  You know, if you’re not blind to three people perched on a shiny handcart and deaf to rhythmic squeaky pumping.

“So, where are we off to?” I asked, my eyes watching the buildings as they whizzed by.

“I get you out of Chinatown before you destroy it.”

“Excuse me, I did not destroy anything.”

“You bring fist of destruction.  You will not make portal in my neighborhood.”

“I am the victim here!” I pointed out, holding up my blood-covered hand.

“Does not matter who started it.  I end it.  You go home.”

“Killian is the one that got me into this.  I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him.  If you want to blame someone, maybe you should bark up that tree.”

Xiaoming gave Killian the old fisheye and then declared, “He working.  You sitting.  He okay.  You lazy.”

There was no winning with this guy.  He and Father Killarney were a match made in heaven.

“How they find you so fast?” Xiaoming scowled at me.

“I have no idea,” I replied, “Although you need to be on the lookout.  Evidently your place is being...”

I’m an idiot.

That tail had nothing to do with the long arm of the law.  There was no antiquities stakeout.  I was a chump and had even given the guy my contact nformation.