Mail Order Bride: Westward Christmas Novel (Montana Mail Order Brides, Book 11) (20 page)

              She broke off as his glass went sailing across the room into the fireplace, where it shattered.  Small shards of glass sprayed the carpet in front of the fireplace.

              “Ben!  Why did you do that?” she exclaimed.  “You have to calm down.  Let me make you some coffee and then you should go to bed.”

              Ben said, “How about we skip the coffee and just go to bed?”  His lascivious smile was not becoming.  He cupped the back of her head and kissed her roughly.

              She pushed him away and said, “That’s enough!”  She rose and put distance between them.

              “What’s the matter?  Not in the mood?” Ben said.  Sasha became the target of his frustrations.  “I’m sorry I’m not very romantic tonight, sugar.  That doesn’t mean it won’t be good.”

              “I think not, Ben,” Sasha said, and moved further away from him.  She’d never seen him like this and it was a little scary.

              The alcohol released the ferocity she had always sensed in him, but this time it was not exciting.  “You have no idea what this is like for me.  You don’t have a career to worry about.  You haven’t worked hard to achieve your life’s goal only to have it ripped away from you,” he said as he rose.

              “Perhaps not, but you don’t know yet whether you won’t be able to operate.  You must be patient, Ben,” she said trying to get through to him.

              Ben swayed slightly as he responded.  “And while I’m being patient, how many people suffer?”

              Sasha was becoming angry.  “Ben, I think you have a rather inflated ego at the moment.  You are not all-powerful.  You are not a god and there is no way of knowing if there will be anyone who requires a surgeon.  You are acting as if being a surgeon is all you’re good for.  God forbid that you can’t perform surgery, there’s nothing wrong with being a general practitioner.  Look at Marcus—”

              “Oh, yes!  Let’s not forget Saint Marcus.  Pillar of the community and friend to everyone!” Ben said.  “I’m not Marcus and I don’t want to be.  I want to be what I was trained for.”

              “Now you sound like a petulant child, Ben.  You’re drunk.  Go to bed.  We’ll talk tomorrow,” Sasha said.

              “Don’t tell me what to do, Sasha.  I’m a grown man,” Ben said.  “I’ll show you.”

              She backed up as Ben advanced on her.  “Ben, stop it this instant!” 

              “What’s the matter, Sasha?  I just want to make love to you,” Ben said.

              “No.  Not like this.  You aren’t in your right mind,” Sasha said as she tried to get past him to leave the parlor.

              He was able to get a hand around her arm and pull her roughly to him.  “Sasha, don’t run, sugar.  It’ll be fine.”

              “No!  Let me go!” Sasha said, and struggled.  In doing so, she bumped his bad arm hard and Ben spun away from her as pain shot through it.

              She watched him blanch and said, “I’m so sorry, Ben, but you have to leave me alone.  You need to sober up.  Things will look better in the morning.”

              “No, I’m afraid they won’t.  You’re right.  You should go,” Ben said as he took a deep breath.

              “Ben—”

              Ben couldn’t stand to hear any more sympathetic comments.  “Get out!  Just get the hell out!”  Then he proceeded to let loose a string of awful names and hateful comments about her.

              It was as if Sasha was transported back in time to when she was still married to Ken.  He’d often said cutting remarks when she bothered him, which was less and less as time went on.  Even though she knew Ben was close to being inebriated from the strong drink, she began to wonder what he would be like if he couldn’t still be a surgeon.  Would he become so hateful and bitter that the man she’d fallen in love with was gone?

              Would he constantly be cruel to her?  If they had children, would he be the same way to them?  Sasha couldn’t live like that again.  She
wouldn’t
live like that again and she certainly wouldn’t subject children to that kind of life.

              With a calmness she didn’t feel, Sasha took off her engagement ring and sat it on the coffee table.  “I will not tolerate being spoken to like that, Ben.  I have done nothing to deserve such poor treatment.  If this is how you’re going to be from now on, I can’t marry you.  I won’t live in fear again.  Goodbye, Ben.”  She turned swiftly and ran from the room.

              Ben attempted to go after her.  “Sasha!  I’m sorry!  Please come back.  Don’t go!”  He banged into the coffee table as he misjudged his steps and went down on his knees.  Dizziness rose up and engulfed Ben and he fell onto his side and passed out.

              Ben had no recollection of falling down, but he woke up on the parlor floor in the morning to a freezing cold room and a fiery, throbbing pain in his arm.  His head felt as if someone had hit him with a hammer and he wouldn’t have been surprised to find a wad of cotton in his mouth. 

              He gained his feet and looked down.  Sasha’s engagement ring sat on the coffee table.  As he looked at it in confusion, bits and pieces of the previous night came back to him.  In his mind Ben heard the terrible things he’d said to Sasha and shame flared inside him. 

              How could he have done that to her?  Ben knew he was going to have to make things right and do it right away.  The whole time he changed, which took much longer than usual, Ben mentally castigated himself for his cruelty; a quality he hated in himself and on which he normally kept a tight rein. 

              He’d found the nearly empty bottle of booze on the floor and was shocked to realize that he’d drunk so much of it.  While that explained some of his actions, Ben had to be honest and knew that his anger had fueled his drinking.  In turn, the alcohol had led to his vicious nature coming out.

              Regret weighed on him as he mounted and rode away from the Watering Hole.  Sasha wasn’t at her home so he checked at the Grady House, but she wasn’t there either.  Ben thought she might have gone to see Sparrow.  She’d need to lean on someone, as upset as she was bound to be.  He turned Othello in that direction and rode off.

              Sasha sat at Sparrow’s kitchen table, sipping on a calming tea that her friend had made for her.  Her eyes were puffy and red.  The tea would also help to alleviate her headache, but it would do nothing to heal her heartache.  Just when Sasha thought she had no more tears left, more would come.

              Sparrow felt so badly for Sasha and was furious with Ben for breaking Sasha’s heart.  So when Ben rode up to her house, Sparrow was in a fighting mood.  She strode angrily out onto the porch followed by Roscoe, who was there for his daily visit, and shouted, “Get out of here.  She doesn’t want to see you.  You’ve done enough!”

              Ben winced at the volume at which Sparrow spoke.  “Sparrow, I know I hurt her, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.  I need to speak with Sasha.  I was wrong and I have to make this right.”

              Sparrow put her hands on her hips and glared at Ben.  “There is no making it right.  Don’t you understand?  You’re no better than her husband!  I’m glad she isn’t marrying you and getting trapped again!”

              Ben got down off his horse and said, “Sparrow, I know what you must think of me, but I didn’t know what I was saying. I was a complete idiot.  Please let me see her.”

              “It’s not up to me.  She doesn’t want to talk to you!” Sparrow said.

              Ben walked over to the porch and said, “Now, look, Sparrow.  This is between her and I—”

              Suddenly Ben found himself staring into the snarling face of a very large canine.  Roscoe had moved between Sparrow and Ben.  His teeth were bared, his ears flat against his head, and a loud, menacing growl issued from his furry throat.  Ben knew that Roscoe wasn’t playing.  The wolf-dog meant business and would protect his loved ones at all costs.  It was obvious that he perceived Ben as a threat.

              Ben knew better than to look Roscoe in the eyes and challenge him.  In a calmer tone he said, “Sparrow, please call him off.  I mean no harm to anyone.  I just want to talk to Sasha.”

              Sparrow said something to Roscoe in Lakota and the dog lay down.  He didn’t stop growling, however.  “No,” Sparrow said.  “Now leave or I’ll think twice about turning Roscoe loose on you.”

              Looking into Sparrow’s angry eyes, Ben believed she would do it.  His jaw clenched, but he didn’t say another word.  As he rode off, Ben tried to think of a way to get Sasha to listen to him.  He was going to have to come up with something fast.  Ben knew that he was in danger of losing the woman he loved and though he didn’t deserve her, Ben knew he couldn’t live without her. 

              When Ben arrived at the clinic, Marcus wasn’t happy to see him, either.  Ben knew an apology was in order.

              Marcus eyed Ben coldly as he sat across from him. 

              “Marcus, I’m sorry about yesterday.  I lost my head and I shouldn’t have thrown that cup like that.  My actions were asinine and I’m asking for your forgiveness,” Ben said.

              Marcus raised an eyebrow as Ben spoke.  He watched Ben’s body language and saw that Ben’s apology was sincere.  “Look, Ben, I know this is hard for you, but you can’t go around acting like that.  I’d rather you just tell me to shut up than throw stuff.”

              “I know,” Ben said as he covered his face and leaned his elbows on his desk.  “I have made a horrible mess of things.”

              “I don’t know about that.  I mean what you did was wrong, but I know you were angry,” Marcus said.

              “I’m not talking about that.  I’m talking about Sasha.  I have deeply wounded her and she gave her engagement ring back.  Or rather, left it last night,” Ben said.

              Marcus’ surprise showed in his eyes.  “What happened?”

              “My evil-tempered side was showing last night, I’m afraid, and in a drunken state I said many reprehensible things to her,” Ben said.

              “Oh, boy,” Marcus said.  “I’m sorry, Ben.”

              “Don’t be. It’s nothing less than I deserve.  Drunk or not, that wonderful woman didn’t deserve to be treated like that by me.  I went to try to talk to her, but your dog would have none of it,” Ben told him.

              “What do you mean?  What’s Roscoe got to do with anything?” Marcus asked.

              Ben related the scene at Sparrow’s house to Marcus, who couldn’t help smiling.  “Most people don’t know that side of Roscoe exists, but he’s not to be fooled with at times like that.”

              “Yes, I realize that now.  I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, Marcus.  You know me better than that.  I simply wanted to speak with Sasha and apologize to her,” Ben said.

              “I know, Ben,” Marcus replied.

              Ben sighed.  “I have to make her see how sorry I am and that it’ll never happen again.  No more drinking for one thing.  That’s where I get in trouble.  Alcohol turns me into someone I detest.”

              “That’s a good start.  You’re gonna have to earn her trust back, Ben.  You’ve got some work ahead of you.”

              “Yes, I do,” Ben said.  “Now I just have to figure out where to start.”

              When Sasha arrived home that night, she found Ben sitting in her parlor.  Conflicting emotions assaulted her.  Her body thrilled at the sight of him sitting there in his jeans and western shirt.  His broad shoulders were emphasized and the jeans showed off his trim waist and powerful legs.  Her mind immediately conjured images of their lovemaking and she had to push those thoughts away.

              “What are you doing here?” she asked as she kept away from him.

              Ben had missed her and his eyes devoured her.  He longed to kiss her and hold her.

              “You don’t have to stand all the way over there, Sasha.  I’m not going to jump you,” he said.

              That soft, cultured southern draw did things to her insides and Sasha kept a tight hold on her resolve to stay away from him.  She perched on the sofa, which was still fairly far from him.

              “I asked you a question,” she said.

              Ben noted that her normally warm gray eyes were a cold silver hue and he felt deep regret that he was the cause of it.  “I needed to talk to you without an angry canine present.”

              Sasha’s chin came up.  “I have nothing to say to you, Ben.  I said it all last night.  I won’t marry someone who’s going to treat me like that.  You broke your promise to me.”

              Ben nodded.  “You’re right.  I did and I infinitely regret it and I’m so sorry, Sasha.  I never intended to hurt you.  I was highly intoxicated and the other person inside me showed up.  I hate him, Sasha.  I know how that sounds, but it’s true.  That is why I’m never going to drink again.  Not one drop.  I don’t want to take the chance of anything like that happening again.”

              “That’s nice,” Sasha said.  “But why should I care?”

              Ben leaned forward in his chair and said, “Because I know you still love me, Sasha.  We’re meant to be together and you know it.”

              Sasha swallowed and dropped her gaze as she said, “I thought we were, but after last night, I think perhaps it was a mistake to start a relationship with you.”

              Her words were like a sharp barb to his heart.  He closed his eyes for a moment as the pain gripped his mind.  When he opened them, Sasha stood up.

              “I want you to leave, Ben.  I don’t want to see you again.  If you see me around town, do not speak to me and I won’t speak to you.  We’re through.  I’m done being a victim, Ben.  Give me my key back,” she said.

              Ben stood up and took out his key ring.  “You’ll have to take it off here.  I can’t.”

              Sasha knew a moment of sympathy for him but quickly forced it away.  She took the ring from him and their hands touched.  A wave of longing flowed through her and Sasha’s hands shook as she took the key off the ring and put it in her pocket.  When she handed it back to Ben, Sasha made sure not to touch him.

              “Get out,” Sasha said.

              Ben had seen the momentary spark of desire in her eyes and it gave him hope to know that she wasn’t immune to him.  He passed close by her and stopped in front of her.  “Sasha, we are not through.  Not by a long shot.  I’m going to show you that I’m worthy of you.”  He bent and quickly kissed her mouth before she could stop him.  Then he was gone.

              Sasha pressed her fingers to her lips and tears started to fall from her eyes.  He was right, she did still love him, but she couldn’t let that influence her anymore.  Ben had shown a side of him that frightened her and she wasn’t willing to risk living a life of fear and disappointment.  No, though she loved him, she was not going to allow him to ruin her life.  She sat on the sofa and mourned her lost love.

              Ben tried several times to talk to Sasha over the next two weeks, but she would have nothing to do with him.  She wouldn’t listen to him and it was extremely frustrating.  He missed her and he didn’t sleep and he wasn’t interested in food.  The sun had gone out of his life and Ben knew that Sasha had taken a piece of his heart with her. 

              He often sat in his parlor just looking at the ring he’d given her.  It had been such a special night and their lovemaking had been tender and so full of love that it had taken his breath away.  Ben cursed himself and the part of him that was like his father.  Without being able to talk to Sasha, Ben had no idea how to get through to her.

              Marcus noticed the dramatic change in Ben.  He rarely smiled and only went through the motions as he treated patients.  It amazed Marcus that Ben didn’t seem bitter anymore about his hand.  Ben retreated into depression and Marcus didn’t know how to reach him.  He tried and though Ben nodded, Marcus could tell that he wasn’t able to get through to his friend.

              One evening when Ben left the clinic, he heard a whisper in his ear.  It was the same whisper that he’d heard when he’d played piano the day of Wendell’s wake.  Ben thought he was hearing things at first and looked around to see who had spoken.  No one was close enough to him for him to hear a whisper.  He clicked Othello into a walk again.  The whisper came again and Ben stopped in amazement at what it was telling him.

              “No, I don’t think so,” Ben said, and started out again.  The whisper was more insistent this time and Ben couldn’t ignore it.

              Inexorably, Ben was drawn to the church.  The whisper kept urging him to go there and Ben urged Othello in that direction.  Outside, Ben tied the horse to the hitching post and stood there looking at the church.  He hadn’t been inside of a church since he was a child and couldn’t figure out what Wendell was trying to tell him.  For Ben knew it was he who whispered in his ear. 

                 Slowly and with misgivings, Ben entered the church.  It was warm inside and well lit.  Maybe there was choir practice that night.  He was sure the choir would be getting ready for Christmas.  With all this going on with Sasha, Ben hadn’t given the holiday much thought.  Now, it came to him that Christmas was very close indeed.

              Just as he had been drawn to the piano that day in the Watering Hole, the whisperer urged him to go to the piano near the altar.  Ben couldn’t ignore that strong pull and he sat at the piano and opened the keyboard lid.  How was he supposed to play one-handed?  What was Wendell trying to do?  Ben believed in the spirit world despite being a man of science.  His nanny had instilled a belief of the unseen in him and Ben didn’t doubt that Wendell was able to reach out to him from the grave.

              Ben closed his eyes and listened to his friend.