Make Me Howl (35 page)

My heart was dead.

Damn him.

I shot him a glance, hoping to see his hair catch fire from the angered thoughts I’d tossed his way. No such luck.

When we reached my apartment, I unlocked the door, stalked to the bathroom and quickly locked the door. I didn’t want him joining me in the shower.

Rather than dimming, my anger flashed as I mulled over the night. Why hadn’t he told me he was a werewolf a long time ago? He’d used me.
Lied to me.

What kind of relationship was based on a lie—at least one that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

Grabbing the soap and my scrubby, I tackled the dirt on my legs, yelping the first time I hit one of the cuts.

“You okay in there?” Doc called through the door.

“What’re you doing?” I shouted back. “Listening at the door?”

A bark of laughter was his only answer.

I clamped my jaws shut. If the soap had been a blazing coal, I wouldn’t have made a sound. When I’d finished, I wrapped a towel around my hair, then wrapped a huge bath sheet around my body. I wasn’t going to give the guy any glimpses.

I pulled out a clean towel, which I left on the rack for him.

Anger made me stiff, so I stalked out the door, and without looking around, went to my bedroom. As I dressed, I listened for the shower to come on. It still hadn’t started when I had my hair combed through.

A niggle of worry sidled into my gut. Was he hurt worse than I thought? What if he’d lost too much blood and was too weak to call out for help?

Unable to stand it any longer, I threw open my door and flew through it to the living room, where I found him snoring on the couch.

Damned man! How could he sleep at a time like this?

I glanced at his hand, but it was still bandaged, the wrappings clean. Frustration piling on top of my anger, I stormed to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee, then looked for something to work out my emotions since Doc was obviously going to be out of it for a while.

Restlessly my mind ricocheted from one thought, bouncing to another. Then another. I could go for a run, but my leg muscles just weren’t up to it. I could go to the computer and work on a new wardrobe for Mrs. Whitten, which I was contracted to do twice a year, but my heart wasn’t in it.

Finally I remembered my spinning wheel. I’d ordered it online just after our trip to Colorado, but hadn’t had time to try it.

I went to my room and took it from the bay window where I’d left it. Removing the wool I’d ordered at the same time from my drawer, I carried them both to the living room. I flipped on the TV, found an old B & W that Bella would have loved and started spinning.

As I stranded the wool, euphoria stole over me. My blood pressure dropped by at least twenty points. The steel rod that had lodged in my spine gave way. My arm muscles changed from concrete back to human fiber again.

After watching the entire old movie on our big screen, I had a good beginning on a ball of yarn and was ready to join Doc in his nap.

But just as I put the spinning wheel away, I heard a key in the front door.
Bella’s home!
Rushing back to the living room, I got there just in time to see Bella walk in. With a squeal, I threw myself at her.

I took a breath, ready to launch into all the million things I had to tell her. She didn’t know anything about us finding and subduing the phyter. But before I could begin, Spencer came in the door behind her.

With a sigh, Doc woke up. “Well, Spence. We were beginning to wonder if you’d ever come back home.”

Spence laughed at what must have been a family joke—after all, they’d been gone less than a week—then he sobered. “I’m back. But it’s not by choice.”

Doc frowned, lifting an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean I’d rather be off somewhere with Bella.” He turned, faced Bella squarely as if by doing so he could erase everyone else in the room. “Like on a hot and sandy beach, celebrating our marriage.”

Shock flashed across Bella’s face and was quickly replaced by joy. But before she could answer, Spencer continued, “Bella, I know you love me. That’s why you’ve been so exhausted and sleeping so much. Why your emotions have been so out of control. Falling in love with a werewolf isn’t like falling in love with a human. Until you’re used to it, you feel the affect all over. But I can’t ask you to marry me—”

“What?” Bella squeaked as tears flooded her eyes.

“—until I tell you something.” As if he were unable to stand being so far from her—all of twelve inches—Spencer took her in his arms. He dragged in a breath. “Bella, I’m a werewolf. That’s how I made it through the blizzard to the farm.”

My heart stopped while my mind froze. Spencer, a werewolf? Both he and Doc had received the Syzygia gene? My heart slowly resumed beating as I tried to reason my way through the new development.

Bella swallowed then gave him a tremulous smile. Obviously she’d accepted the fact without too much trouble.

He tossed a glance my way. “Doc’s a werewolf, too.”

Bella just glanced at me long enough to grin, then gave all her attention to Spencer as he continued. “Not only Doc, but my whole family. We’re all werewolves—of the Dux Ducis line. It doesn’t mean much unless you understand the werewolf world. But I’ll warn you now, all our children are born werewolves.”

Struggling to make sense of Spencer’s words, I turned to Doc. “
Everyone
in your family is a werewolf?”

Slowly he nodded. I couldn’t bear discussing this in front of his brother and my sister. I fled to my room.

He followed me so I asked, “You’ve been searching for a way to wipe out werewolves while everyone you’re kin to—”

“Not werewolves,” he tried to correct me for the millionth time. “Syzygia. The gene that causes Lycanthropy. Because of it, I’ve never allowed myself to experience an honest emotion. I was taught from the cradle to hold back. Always.

“I was never able to lose my temper and have a normal fight as a kid for fear I’d morph. I couldn’t put my heart into a race; I couldn’t even lose myself making love because I might transform right there.”

“I want future generations of my family to embrace what they feel without worrying they’ll turn into a monster in plain view of the public.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I dragged air into my aching lungs. “Since the night of the dedication, I’ve known there was something special between us. Something that could have lasted a lifetime.” Thinking of what I’d done, I folded my arms and held on tight.

He laid his hand on my forearm, but wisely removed it before I did it for him.

I drew a ragged breath. “But because you’d dedicated your entire life to wiping out werewolves, I knew there could never be a way.
You could never be my mate.
I’ve suffered each time we were together. So I performed the ritual to build the impenetrable wall around my heart—my every emotion—because I knew I could never fall in love with you.”

I couldn’t stop the tears that blurred my vision. “I read it in my grandma’s journals. Once a werewolf constructs that wall, it can never be destroyed. It’s over. Forever.”

He drew his eyebrows together, his faced creasing as if he were about to cry. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Nothing.

He looked as if I’d destroyed his heart—his life—and I wished fervently that I had, because I no longer had a heart to be broken.

My voice dropped to a harsh whisper as tears clogged my throat. “
Why didn’t you tell me?”

He opened and closed his mouth, shook his head, but said nothing. I grabbed my purse, shoved past him and ran for my car. I had to get away from this man who would have been my perfect match. This man I should have loved and now never could.

Away from Bella and her delirious joy. Away from Dux Ducis, the royal family werewolf.

Away from my heart, which was now a cold, dead stone.

Chapter Sixteen

Once in my car, I drove as fast as I could without getting pulled over. With the rage flaming through me, if a patrolman stopped me now, I’d probably take off his head.

When at last I reached the empty countryside, I raced flat out, howling my rage. Bristles stung my skin as I came near to morphing again and again. How could he have done it to me? How could he have destroyed my entire life?

Having enforced myself against the only love I was ever meant to have, I would never be able to love anyone else, and I couldn’t love him.

I would be forever solitary. And unloved.

I never wanted to see him again.

I drove back to Lost Canyon where I finally embraced my pain.

I morphed in the most painful transformation I’d ever gone through. As if even my body mourned for that lost part of my life, I went through agony with every lengthening of a bone. Every change of my body’s shape. Every bristle pushing through my skin.

And I welcomed it.

Once the change was complete, I ran hard. No warm up. No jogging. I ran until there was no air left in my lungs, no energy in my muscles. I ran until there was nothing left inside me. My pads were bleeding heavily by the time I limped the miles back to my car. When I returned to human form, my palms and soles still bled, but I didn’t care.

This new anguish took some of my focus from what was missing in my life.

What would always be missing in my life.

****

I stood at the back of the chapel, clutching the bouquet of highly scented gardenias that the bustling florist had shoved into my hand. The music, almost as sweet as the fragrance causing my stomach to clench, droned on. The dress I wore, which I’d had to pull every string in my arsenal to get in the short time we’d had between the engagement and the wedding, bit into my waist.

As I waited for our cue to enter, I tapped the toe of my Jimmy Choos, trying to work off some of my excess energy. I glanced at Bella, who stood behind me with our dad, glowing in her happiness. It was all I could do to keep from pushing Dad aside so I could smack her.

If she hadn’t said yes to Spencer, we wouldn’t be here now.

But here we were in a beautiful old church in Round Top, Texas, just outside Austin, waiting to be in an intimate wedding party. Very intimate. Just Bella, Me, Spencer. And Doc.

The rock that had once been my heart weighed like lead as I thought of him.

I wouldn’t go through it. I didn’t even want to be in the same state as the man who’d destroyed me, much less the same church in a romantic, candle-light wedding.

The minister and Spencer walked out of a door near the front and turned toward the aisle we’d walk down. It was difficult to draw a full breath as I waited for Doc to emerge.

The music started, my cue to drift down the aisle, but I waited until I could fill my lungs then took the first step. Slowly I made my way to the front. As I walked I forced a grin for our sorority sisters who all but filled one side of the chapel, then I tossed a smile to Mom, who was already in tears, while I shook my head. She shouldn’t be crying on Bella’s wedding day. Bella was getting everything she’d ever wanted. And more.

But once I passed Mom, there was only one place to look. At the front. I swallowed hard, took a deep breath and lifted my gaze. My pride wouldn’t let me keep my head down. I tried to keep my focus on the minister, but somehow I couldn’t. I let my gaze drift to Spencer.

Then, with a slow, casual turn of my head, I looked at Doc.

The world stopped.

I stopped.

If Dad hadn’t tapped me on my nape, I might still be there today, but luckily the big guy was there for me. Somehow he maneuvered me and Bella to our places.

I saw nothing but Doc. Heard nothing but my pulse, whooshing in my ears. And smelled nothing but Doc’s scent.

I clenched the bouquet hard as memories drifted through my mind; I took my time examining them. The Halloween party where we met made me feel as if I’d swallowed an atomic bomb, which detonated in my stomach. The dedication ball—when I’d first spent time in his arms.

I tried to force my mind back to minister’s droning, but that night on Doc’s pool table took over my mind.

Bella’s soft but firm voice caught my attention for a moment as she turned to face Spencer, looking up into his face.

A vision of making love with Doc in his bed rose before me, spiriting me away. I relived the breakfast we had at his favorite restaurant, the time we had steak for dinner at mine and—

“—pronounce you man and wife.”

I came to with a start. Bella’s wedding was over, and I missed most of it. Somehow I held her bouquet along with mine. I returned it to her with a kiss on the cheek when she paused next to me, a knowing smile curving her lips.

Then she was gone, and Doc was there, waiting for me to take his arm. Keeping my touch light, I hoped with everything in me that he wouldn’t feel me trembling.

We exited the church, and while the new married couple took the limo to the reception, I drove alone.

When I arrived at the venue, I hurried out of the car and over to a group of our sorority sisters who’d already visited the open bar. Several times.

“Jazzy. The man of honor is one fine looking man,” Nicki, the sorority prez our senior year looked around for Doc between sips of her drink. “Is he taken?”

“No.” I answered quietly, my jaws frozen. “But you were last time I checked.”

Her laugh sounded exactly like a mule’s bray. Why hadn’t I noticed in college?