Make Me Weak (Make Me #1) (18 page)

“Not this time. I’m nothing like them, Alexandria. I
will
chase you and bring you back.”

“Why? You hardly know me.”

“Maybe that’s what we both want to think. We’ve barely spent any time together and yet, here we are, tangled up in each other. That is because you feel in me what I feel in you. That
finally
there is someone out there to understand you and protect you. Do you want to run from a feeling you have spent your life trying to find? I sure as hell don’t. There is something different about you, Andie. I am not sure what it is but I’m not going to let it go.”

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. All I could do was feel and the overflow of emotions was like nothing before. Lust, protection, safety, desire, there were so many things I felt in those few moments that I couldn’t decipher them
all. It didn’t matter because I had no reason to figure out what I was experiencing I just needed this man in front of me. Wasting no more time I slammed my mouth down onto his and felt the waves crash around me.

Everything faded from around us, the people’s voices, lights, music, all of it. It was gone and all that remained was Onyx’s body pressed against mine. He lifted me from the ground, my legs wrapped around his waist and crushed his pelvis into mine. The stiff denim fabric from his raging hard-on was pressing against the thin piece of fabric over my pussy. My hips rolled to let his erection send trembles down my legs.

His body pinned mine to the wall. His hands pressed my arms against the wall, locking over my wrists to hold me in place. The rough and gentle kisses from his lips ran from my mouth down my chin onto my neck. I moaned out trying to keep quiet but realizing the lack of control I had over any of that when it came to Onyx.

“Onyx please. Please just fuck me. I need you.”

The kissing ceased as he pulled away to stare into my eyes. “What, like this?” He flexed his hips into mine and even with all the extra clothing I felt my body succumb to his touch.

“Yes!” I cried out, desperate for more.

“On one condition.” I was quickly realizing if Onyx wanted to learn something from me he did it during sex. Made sense of course, my walls have usually melted at that point but that didn’t make me any less frustrated.

“Name it.”

His mouth lowered onto mine but his lips didn’t soften to kiss me. “Tell me you aren’t going to run from me.”

“I haven’t run from you, Onyx. There was just no way to get a hold of me.”

He flexed his hips harder this time making me choke back a scream. “That isn’t what I asked you, Alexandria. I need to know you aren’t going to up and run from me with nothing but a name to follow you.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because it does!” Onyx growled against me and even though his words didn’t really answer anything to me—it answered everything.

“I promise I won’t.”

That was all I needed to say before he freed his cock from his pants and thrust it hard into me. My back arched, my toes curled under and just as I was about to scream Onyx’s name his lips covered mine to silence the outburst. His hips thrust hard, my tongue swirled with his. My teeth bit down onto his lip and my legs squeezed him like a snake with their prey. With my body still pinned to the wall his hands roamed freely over my breasts and onto my ass. My fingers found a way under his shirt to the bare skin of his back while my nails ran up to his shoulder blades.

His body shivered which just
added sensation to my aching, dripping pussy and nearly sent me over. As his mouth sucked hard on the exposed curve of my neck and thrust one last time deep into my core I finally came. My body spiraled over the moon, out of this world and soon his followed. The hot stream of come shook my nerves and heightened every moment of my orgasm.

As we came down together I wrapped my arms around his shoulders with all my weight. He supported me up as if that was his duty and managed to keep me there while redoing his pants.

“I’m quite thankful for this pretty little dress you wore tonight, love.”

“You like it?” I asked, with my eyes closed and my head resting against his shoulder.

“You are stunning, Alexandria.” He placed a lingering kiss onto my temple before setting me back down.

I looked around, as if for the first time remem
bering we were not alone.

“Where’s Kayne?”

A smirk perked up on Onyx’s lips. “I actually had the woman who introduced me tonight, Mindy, talk to him. She seems to be very attracted to him and I needed him to be too caught up in something else to not notice the way I wanted to touch you.”

A breathy laugh came out. “You really did think of everything, didn’t you?”

“Of course. Now, come home with me.”

“Onyx I can’t.”

All humor was gone from his face just as quickly as it had arrived. “Why not?”

“I came here with Kayne. I’m not going to take him home but if we’re going to keep him out of us, then I need to let him take me back.”

“I don’t like this. How am I supposed to see you again?”

I shrugged with a hopeful smile to ease his worries. “I promise you I will find you. Soon.”

“Very soon, love. Please?”

“Of course.”

For a moment of silence he let his eyes look me up and down taking in all that I was. “I hate this. I don’t want to watch you leave with my nephew again.”

“I may be leaving with him, Onyx. But it is you I can’t say goodbye to.”

“Good.” His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling my body flush against his. “Let’s keep it that way.”

With a final kiss I walked out of the alley to find Kayne knowing it wouldn’t be long before I made my way back into Onyx’s arms. Because I was beginning to wonder if I would ever want to be any place but right there with him.

Is that how you catch an uncatchable girl?

Kayne pulled his truck into his usual spot in front of my pretend home. When I went back in to find him after I left the alley Kayne was searching frantically for me. I told him that some guy tried to feel me up, Onyx stepped in to save the day and I needed a cigarette. Conveniently I left out the little bit about the loving confessions
and the wall sex, but he got the gist of what was important. I figured I was covering my bases but being too honest may have completely backfired.

Every time we stopped at a light Kayne would look my way with this doughy broken stare before sighing heavily. I wanted to grab this man and shake that shit out of him but something told me it wouldn’t be that easy. I looked Kayne’s way with my hand on the handle, ready to bolt.

Before I could get out my cheery goodbye he sighed again and pressed his hand over mine.

“Oh Andie, I’m so so sorry. I never should have ditched you to talk to Mindy.”

“You didn’t ditch me, and yes you should have! I mean come on she’s hot! Did you get her number?”

Kayne laughed and looked my way with this knowing smirk as if he didn’t really expect me to believe it.

“She gave it to me but I don’t think I’m going to call her.”

“And why not?” I almost demanded.

His fingers curled around my hand giving it a light squeeze. “She’s not my type, Andie.”

“What? You don’t like a hot leggy blonde? She was totally into you too! What’s so bad about her??”

“Andie, I really can’t believe you’re even talking about this right now. You were attacked tonight.”

The urge to roll my eyes at him was overpowering me. “First of all, I wasn’t
attacked
. Some guy got a little handsy. You do realize I work at a strip club right? Assholes like that are a dime a dozen, plus Onyx helped me out. After I had that smoke I was fine. No need to stop your life because something little happened to me.”

“
Oh, yeah sorry about my uncle by the way.”

Now he had my full attention. “Sorry for what?”

Kayne shook his head like a disappointed parent. “He can be so intense and pervy sometimes.”

“Pervy?” I asked with a snort.

“Yeah! When he was on stage he never stopped screwing you with his eyes. It was even creeping
me
out so it’s okay to admit that it was weird for you too. I can have a talk with him too so he knows to not be that creeper uncle to my friends.”

It was all too much—I burst out laughing. The horrified look on Kayne’s face made it even harder to come down from this. My stomach burned like I had been running for hours and tears began to surface.

“Kayne, I don’t know what you were seeing, but he was
not
screwing me with his eyes.” Lie. “You don’t have a pervy uncle.” Well maybe a little, but I’m not complaining. “And you don’t need to talk to him like he was macking on your underage friend.” Especially because this girl rather enjoys it.

“Andie…” He started, to probably try to talk some “sense” into me but I stopped him.

“Onyx isn’t being inappropriate and you don’t need to handle anything. There is nothing to handle. Don’t worry so much about me. You need to remember I’ve had a lifetime of love, pain, and regret. I can take care of myself
if
I felt the need to protect myself from your uncle. Seriously, he was great and I’m so thankful he was there to help me. But Onyx is extremely talented.”
In more ways than one
. “If you are going to say anything to him tonight it should be, congratulations, not to tell him to keep his hands off.”

This time it was Kayne that snorted. “Oh I wasn’t going to say anything tonight. Reaching Onyx after hours can be dangerous.”

“Why?”

“He’s a ladies’ man, Andie. There’s no telling how many women he has seduced and taken home. Guy sees a lot of action. Me and some of my buddies have made wagers on which chick he will take home whenever he comes out with us. Tonight my money is on that red head that was sitting behind you.”

My heart stopped. Shock, terror, betrayal, it spread instantly making it impossible to move. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How many women had he taken in and seduced like me? And what about tonight—a red head behind me?? Was I even the one he was looking at all those times or was I just in his line of sight?

It felt as though my lungs were shriveling up and making everything around me fade away. My hands shook as I thought about his in
vitation to go home with him. After I said no, did he go in and find another? Did that red head end up where I could have been? The sudden urge to vomit was taking over—I needed to get rid of Kayne before I melted down.

“Are you okay, Andie?”

I nodded. “Yeah I just think that burger is coming back up.”

“Oh shit, well let me help you upstairs.” He moved quickly to unhook his seatbelt but I stopped him.

“No, please. Just go home, thank you for taking me out tonight and bringing me home.”

“Okay, but wait, when can I see you again, Andie?”

It was during this time I had the convenience of giving him a non-committal,
I’ll call you
. Of course, he’d want to make definite plans and right now I had no intentions of doing anything other than curling into a ball.

“I don’t know, Kayne, but I have to go.” I launched myself from the car before he could stop me, gave the goodbye wave and watched him reluctantly drive away.

My body hurt my heart was breaking with the nausea taking a forefront in my mind. I ran through the alley to my home, but when I reached the door I couldn’t get myself to go inside. Every bit of me was restless, anxious, and damn right pissed that I let some random guy get under my skin. The fact that I let him matter to me at all was mistake number one, actually probably more like mistake number ten. I needed to rectify this immediately. I wasn’t the loving, feeling type of a girl to let some man sweep her off her feet. I didn’t let my walls down and people sure as shit didn’t try to climb over them.

I
refused to sit still right now, I needed to run. Without thinking twice I bolted away into the night, leaving my heels sitting at my doorstep. It didn’t matter where I was going just as long as I wasn’t left sitting here to think about it.

My arms pumped back and forth, my legs powered forward with a slow burn spreading through my thighs.
Street lights kept the path alit but darkness consumed every other part of me. How could I be such an idiotic, heartsick fool? Why was I letting Andie control my life after everything I had already endured? The last thing I could handle in my life was more feelings. It was time to shut off all pain and confusion consuming me and just feel the road beneath me. Every step made my feet sting and my calves burn with the stress of however many miles I had put between me and my front door. Maybe it was only one or perhaps I had been running for days straight. I didn’t know and I sure as hell didn’t care.

M
y neck began to sweat and my hair clung on. Everything in me was ready to stop running, to drop to the ground but I refused. I needed to get these feelings for Onyx out of my head. It was time to make a break from Kayne as well. Having him as my friend was only undoing everything I had done. I wanted to go back to normal, but something told me my version of
normal
was gone for good.

It was like I suddenly awoke from a dream and realized where I was. In the midst of my fear and desperation to run away from everything, I ran to the one place I hadn’t expected—my grandma’s neighborhood. Daisy. Here I was locked in my own inner turmoil that was breaking me down and I wind up in the one place where my heart truly lied. It took me less than a minute to get my strength back and run through the houses toward Daisy’s room. I turned the corner into the backyard and felt relief wash over me like I had finally crossed the finish line. Ease flowed through my adrenaline ridden muscles as I walked to the tree I had to climb. My hands took hold of the trunk when my eye caught a hold of something.

The window wasn’t open. No curtains floated dreamily in the night wind and there was no telling why. Was it something as simple as my grandmother turning on the air conditioning and needing the windows locked up? At least I prayed it was that and not the alternative. If that window wasn’t left open because my little girl no longer wanted me to come around—I’d be crushed.

I felt it now. The squeezing of my lungs making it impossible to breathe. It was beginning to feel like I was drowning and that same heavy burdened sensation continued down my arms into my chest until it reached my toes. Without my daughter
, my life was meaningless, empty, devoid of anything redeemable. Every move I made was for her and if she decided she no longer wanted me—I would be nothing. Life would cease to exist to me and the worst part was I would never know why.

My grandma would undoubtedly have me arrested if she ever saw me. She’d never tell Daisy and I would never be more to her than a shadow figure watching from the sidelines. Too much of a fuck up to come back for her and never again wanted because of it.

My legs shook until my knees gave out and dropped me to the ground. I didn’t move to leave and instead my back pressed against the tree for support. I pulled my knees up to my chest and without warning the tears started. Silent as the night but endless as the ocean they came. I had been tricked to believe my life was finally coming together but none of it mattered without Daisy. Now the seams were unravelling and I was falling apart. For the first time all night I felt every emotion.

Extreme exhaustion, betrayal, scared and so incredibly lost. My life had been a disaster just one screw up after another. The only moment I would go back to and see without regret is the moment I gave birth to Daisy. Despite my age and home life situation I had to have her because I knew deep in my heart that my little baby deserved a chance.

There I was, writhing in pain. I had refused an epidural because I wanted nothing to come in between me and my baby. My screams echoed through the halls and then all of a sudden the sweet cries of a newborn mixed with mine. Then all the pain stopped, every fear I had for the future evaporated as the doctor held up my tiny peanut and announced that it was a girl.

Tears filled my eyes but I blinked them away as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to lose a single second of seeing my baby girl. The doctor wiped her down and laid her on my chest over my heart. I smiled as more tears rolled down my cheeks. She stopped crying and looked up at me like she was memorizing my face, just as I was hers.

A chorus of congratulations sounded around us from the nurses and doctor, but I didn’t respond. All I saw was this beautiful little life in my arms.

“I’m never going to let you go, Daisy. I’m your mama and I will always protect you. I promise.”

The vision faded away. The
only
good moment in my life and as I looked around at the backyard I realized I must have fallen asleep. The sun was beginning to peek over the horizon and I knew it was time to go. Every muscle in my body hurt but it was nothing compared to the agonizing pain in my heart. Looking up to Daisy’s room one more time I pressed a kiss to my fingers and lifted my hand up to her room.

“Please don’t hate me baby girl. I will come back for you and you will never again have to wonder where your mama is.”

It was killing me to leave but I had no choice. My grandmother was an early riser and as much as I wanted to stay, I couldn’t. At least not this time. Conjuring up my last bit of strength I sprinted from the backyard and ran all the way home.

I let myself in, locked the door and dug into the very bottom drawer of my dresser. I pulled out the black pillow case and dumped the contents into my hands. Daisy’s first little pink and white hat and receiving blanket from the hospital lay in my hands. I brought them to my face to breathe in that new baby smell. Even after all this time the scent brought me back to our few perfect moments together. It didn’t matter how much my grandmother tried to take it all from me. She would never have my memories.

With the comfort of that along with Daisy’s things I crawled into bed and shut my eyes. Praying for all the bad to disappear and allow me to live in happiness. And with that I faded into oblivion, sliding into dream land where everything I ever wanted was right there, awaiting my return.

Friday passed and then Saturday and then Sunday. I did the same thing every day—I stayed in bed, slept, cried, and sketched. There was never a reason for me to have a TV before
but now I was seriously missing one. Pretty sure the term someone would use for what I was doing would be
wallow
. I didn’t give a damn that was all I had energy for. I made it up to the roof only late at night when I couldn’t sleep but the paint strokes weren’t coming. I’d stand there staring at my canvas for hours it seemed before I dropped my brush to the ground and laid down to look up at the stars. It was every night that this happened and during the day I hid under the covers like a vampire terrified of the sun.

With every night that I missed work at the club I could feel Maurizio’s rage rising. He hated me already and this wasn’t helping. Not to mention he had no address for me and I was phoneless. He was probably going to send a search party out on the hunt for me just so he could kill me himself.
I didn’t give a shit. The last thing I was in the mood for was shaking my ass up and down a cold pole. Men slobbering over me, slipping dollars into my G-string, and trying to act like pimps because they are surrounded by dozens of hot women. Failing to remember the fact that they are paying the women to be there or else most of us wouldn’t go near them otherwise.

Maurizio wouldn’t be quite as sympathetic for my disinterest in stripping at the moment. Yet something told me even if he knew all the chaos in my life it still wouldn’t keep him from expecting me in time for
my first dance every night. I wasn’t afraid of him, even now. What was he going to do—fire me? Whatever. I could go to another club or find something else, I wasn’t worried. Sure—I got more money from stripping but it wasn’t a serious job and that was justification enough for me.

It wasn’t just Maurizio or the greasy men (which most of them were). It was Onyx and Kayne. Neither had a way to reach me and both knew I worked at the club on weekends. Something made me believe that one, or both, of them would show up just to connect with m
e. So aside from the wallowing about Daisy I think that was what has been keeping me bed ridden. I didn’t know what to say if I saw them and I didn’t want to chance it. Right now I was treating this time in bed as my own personal detox. Kick the feelings aside and then when I made my way out into the world again, I’d be back to my old self.

Having Kayne as a friend was something I had never expected but loved dearly. He is beyond a great person and I wished only the best
for him, but I wasn’t it. It wasn’t high school anymore where we could hang out, be friends, get drunk and party. That was how I made all my mistakes in the first place. I was acting like I had learned nothing from it and then in walked Onyx. There was a reason I had sworn off love and it wasn’t because secretly I was waiting for my prince charming to ride in. Hell no, I knew better. Love was for fools and I spent the last few years of my life making sure I was anything but.

When Monday morning rolled around something felt different. I awoke tear free, the chill of discomfort gone. I took that to mean it was time to get my ass back in gear. I threw on some shorts and a tank top and took off on a run. Aside from my run the other night it had been a while since I ran for recreation. There was something cathartic about it and that feeling of being free again was enough to make every pained step easier.

By the time I returned home it was well past lunch time. After a quick shower I whipped up the last of the contents in my cupboards. Dried noodles, soups, cereal- my kitchen was filled with my favorite non-perishables that would last me a while. After my personal lock down, all was wiped clean I needed to go grocery shopping. I hated grocery shopping, it felt too ‘homey’ for me. This wasn’t my home and the only place I would consider a home was one with Daisy. Having to buy foods that college people lived on was far from what I expected. I suppose surviving should come first. I would worry about food tomorrow though because tonight I was going back to work to make money.