Making Love (Destiny Book 1) (16 page)

“I know I worried you.”

“That’s allowed,” he smiled. “Just go easy on yourself.”

“I’m not trying to be hard on myself, it’s just…” I tried to put into words how I was feeling. “I mean, I’ve been hit harder in hockey practice at school.”

“But you were prepared for some kind of confrontation then, no? It’s a competition. In this instance, you were completely unprepared to be attacked.”

“It still feels so trivial though.”

“I know, but you’re trying to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen. Imagine if Hannah had been mugged, not seriously hurt but shaken up; you wouldn’t expect her to get over that immediately, would you?”

I was reluctant to admit it but, “No.”

“Then allow yourself that same leeway.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask.”

I hugged him tightly. “Thank you.”

“What for?” he chuckled as he wrapped his long arms around me.

“For not losing your temper with me. I know I haven’t been easy to live with.”

“It’s my fault this happened, what kind of man would I be if I got angry with you for something that was my fault?”

I pulled away enough to look up at him. “This isn’t your fault.”

“She attacked you because of me.”

“But you didn’t tell her to. You can't control how other people behave.”

“It still wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t met me.” He looked so distressed that I felt bad that I hadn’t seen it sooner.

“Into every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve brought me far more sun than rain.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Every word. I love you so much, I can't imagine my life without you.”

“I love you too.”

He kissed me and when we made love, it didn’t feel mechanical.

***

It wasn’t as if I went from a manic episode one moment, then flew into a mad rage, my mood swings were nothing as severe as that, but I wasn’t used to feeling angry or annoyed so often, nor feeling so flat and sometimes tearful.

My mood swings might have been mild, but it still felt as if my emotions had been hijacked, which wasn’t a comfortable way of being.

Now that I was finally aware of my behaviour, and the reason for it, it actually became easier to cope with. Will insisted that I talk to him about what happened, although honestly it felt as if I was complaining over nothing. In the grand scheme of things, getting a black eye was minor and I felt as if I was ungrateful and whining to even recount the event, and especially to admit that it had affected me in any way.

But it had and Will knew that, and he badgered me to breaking point. I finally admitted how scared I sometimes felt since that day, and how on seeing a fan approach him, for just a second I wanted to shrink away and hide while he dealt with them.

Talking about it and admitting how I felt was more helpful than I could have imagined and about a month after it happened I felt back to normal again. I had never before appreciated how much I take being on an even keel for granted.

There was even an upside in that I had a new understanding. In the grand scheme of things, this was just a blip on my radar but it had still altered my behaviour and moods in ways I would never have believed possible beforehand, and I could certainly see how more traumatic events could induce conditions such as PTSD, anxiety and depression. I would never have wished to get clocked but I had learned something from it.

The good news was that I was back to normal well before Christmas, because we were going to stay with Will’s mum, Diane, for a few days. This would be the first time I had spent more than an evening with her and I really didn’t want her to think that her son was dating a basket case.

***

His mother was lovely to me, and had been since the day I met her. I could see a lot of her in Will, such as his warm nature, his generous spirit, and his open mindedness.

Her cottage in Suffolk was lovely, warm and cosy but not chintzy. I’d immediately felt at home here, thanks as much to the owner as the décor. Will’s younger sister, Emily, and her husband, Jack, were there too and it was a wonderful time.

We arrived a few days before Christmas and enjoyed long walks on the beaches (wrapped up in a dozen layers, I hasten to add; there was nothing tropical about an East Anglian beach in winter) but it was nice.

Come Christmas day, we all met for a drink late morning, then we exchanged gifts. I’d got everyone a proper gift, then I’d also done framed sketches of them, adding a little personal touch to the proceedings.

I’d anguished for ages over what to get Will. His birthday was soon after we first began dating, so I had only bought him a small trinket, nothing particularly special. We’d been together for 11 months now though, and I wanted something meaningful. What did you get for the man who had everything though? It took ages for me to decide but after roping in some clandestine help from Lee, I managed to get in touch with Stephen Boyde, who had written one of Will’s favourite books, and got him a personalised, signed first edition of Any Human Heart.

Will was thrilled with it and I was glad I’d gone to the trouble.

Will bought me a bottle of my two favourite perfumes (a daytime scent and a more sensual, night time one), then when Emily, who was playing Santa and handing out the gifts, announced a second present from him to me, he looked guilty and swiped the bag Emily tried to hand to me before I could reach it. He turned towards me as we sat on the sofa.

“Now, I know you said that I wasn’t to go mad with presents, and I don’t think I have and besides, this isn’t just a Christmas present.”

I felt bad that he looked so guilty, although I thought I’d been doing a good job of hiding my money qualms recently. What the hell could he have in that bag that would make me angry enough to worry him? It wasn’t a huge bag, only about the size you’d give a CD or DVD in.

He sat the bag on his lap and reached his right hand into it, then he took my right hand in his left.

“I have something to say before I give this to you, but I’ll try to be quick,” he teased.

I didn’t care if he wanted to deliver a monologue, I loved listening to him talk.

“Since we’ve been together, I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier. We’ve had ups and downs, as everyone does, but overall you have improved my life immeasurably. Since you moved in, it’s only confirmed how I already felt, that we are perfect for each other. So, Elle, I have something very important to ask you.”

He slipped from the sofa and onto one knee in front of me.

“Eleanor Greystone,” he finally took his hand out of the bag and was holding a small, grey velvet box, which he opened to reveal a trio of square cut diamonds, set in a beautiful platinum band.

My hands covered my mouth.

“Will you marry me?”

I could feel tears pricking my eyes as I looked at him and I blinked rapidly, trying to dispel them.

I opened my mouth to answer but found that I was too choked up to speak.

He looked worried; did he think I was going to refuse him? Granted, we had only been living together for about two months, and I had shown signs of being slightly commitment phobic, maybe, but I wanted this.

I nodded my head in lieu of speaking, and his expression transformed into a grin. He took the ring from the box and I gave him my left hand so he could slip it onto my finger, which caused my tears to fall. The ring fit perfectly and I enveloped him in a huge hug, while his family applauded.

“Right, I’ll get the champagne out,” Diane said, and I realised that they had all been in on this. When I saw the champagne in the fridge, I’d just thought they liked fancy Christmas meals, I hadn’t dreamed it was for this.

Will pulled away then kissed me, which caused Emily to lob a ball of wrapping paper at his head, crying, “Get a room!”

Sisters, who’d have them?

We laughed as we separated and went around Jack, Emily and Diane, accepting their congratulations. Then we sipped champagne in celebration, before everyone made a toast.

I offered to help Diane prepare dinner but she refused, and we sat down to eat mid-afternoon. There was enough food to feed a small army and we ate, drank and were merry.

After dinner, Emily put Christmas songs on and we mimed along and danced. Slowly the alcohol and rich food took its toll on the others and by 6pm, they were getting drowsy.

Will and I were slow dancing to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, next to the Christmas tree, but when Jack began to snore, Will nuzzled my ear.

“What do you say we leave these old fogies to sleep and go and have our own celebration?”

I nodded and we slipped from the room, creeping upstairs so as not to wake the others.

***

After that magical Christmas day, my doubts began to set in.

Was it too soon? Should I have said no? Will was pretty busy this year, so when was the wedding even going to be? Was he planning on one of those endless engagements and in five years’ time, nothing will have changed?

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the guts to broach the subject with him. And we were pretty busy. On the 27th of December we left Suffolk and headed to Manchester, for a flying visit to Mum (one night, one meal) then we headed onto Edinburgh and to my sister, who insisted we stay with her for New Years/Hogmanay.

They had a pretty nice house, actually, and Will and I took the spare room.

On the 29th Hannah and I went out to lunch and I told her about my engagement. I hadn’t told anyone else yet (I’d taken the ring off when we visited Mum and only put it back on once I’d told Hannah).

She was thrilled and when I told her about my doubts, she told me I was worrying over nothing. Will had worked his charm on her too and now she was his biggest fan.

So I kept my worries to myself.

The wedding announcement went into the paper on the 2nd of January and I stayed off the internet, save for my personal accounts, for the next week. That didn’t stop me seeing magazine covers and to make matters worse, my picture was on the front cover of a few. I took to wearing hats and glasses when I went out during the day.

I could tell that Will noticed but he didn’t say anything.

In December, Will had been nominated for the Screen Actors Guild awards. He received a nomination for Best Film Actor for Ludwig, and Blood Moon netted his co-star Jess a Best Supporting Actress nod.  

Then on January 15th, he received his first Oscar nominations. For Ludwig, Will got a best actor nomination, and the film also received Best Editing, Best Director and Best Supporting Actress. Blood Moon received nominations for Best Costume Design, Visual Effects and Best Editing.

Put simply, if he won, Will’s fame was about to go from ‘the internet’s darling’ to ‘stratospheric’.

Which was wonderful in terms of his career and I was thrilled about that, but what about me? If he was canny, and I knew he was, he could use this as a stepping stone and become the next Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, and those poor guys couldn’t sneeze without it being headline news.

I couldn’t live my life like that, constantly under a microscope.

The Screen Actors Guild awards were first, on the 25th of January, and we headed to LA for them. No matter how worried I was about the fame, I couldn’t not support him. Besides, I was ridiculously proud of him, the films he had been nominated for were beyond excellent (and before you say anything, no, of course I’m not biased).

Will also had a few meetings while we were there, with the Shadow Watch executives, and of course, a lot of press. Apparently winning an Oscar isn’t just about good acting, you have to mount a publicity campaign and meet and greet the right people. So we arrived there on the 20th to give some interviews and attend some events.

The parties were fine, I was getting used to them. I might even go so far as to say that I enjoyed some of them. I attended the interviews but wouldn’t agree to take part, even although Lee tried to convince me to; he said our engagement was good press.

The awards themselves were very much like a premiere, except that after the red carpet, we watched an awards show rather than a film. Will won Best Actor and Ludwig won Best Film, which boded well for the Oscars.

Will was thrilled, obviously.

How could I tell him that a part of me, the unkind and selfish part that I’d like to deny existed, wanted him to lose at the Oscars?

I couldn’t, so I just had to keep my fears to myself, smile and get through the awards season.

***

We returned to England at the beginning of February to attend the BAFTA Awards. It was good to be home and get away from the Hollywood falseness and platitudes. The British could be superficial and fake too, but it was a fake that I had grown up with and was used to, so it wasn’t as grating as I found LA at times.

I was in the bath, two days before the BAFTAs, when Will came in, looking grave.

“Who died?” I teased.

He put the toilet seat down and sat there but he didn’t speak.

“Will?”

“The press know how we met,” he admitted, unable to meet my eyes.

“What!”

“They found out about Katie’s study, they know that’s how we met.”

“How?”

“I don’t know,” Will rested his elbows on his knees and looked down at the floor. “Destiny, my PR firm, have been receiving calls, asking for a statement from us. They’ve also received a number of interview requests.”

“But who told them?” The number of people who knew about the experiment was tiny.

“Lee is seeing what he can find out but reporters are allowed to protect their sources, so unless someone admits it, we may never know.”

What a horrific thought, never knowing who among my closest friends had betrayed me. If we couldn’t find out, how would I ever trust anyone again?

“I’m sorry,” Will told me, looking over to see how I was taking the news.

“Why? You didn’t tell them, did you?”

“No, but if it wasn’t for me, nobody would care how we met.”

I felt as if he was right so to my shame, I didn’t try to reassure him.

I could almost feel the chasm forming between us in that moment, and I’m ashamed to say that I did nothing to close it.

When I got out of the bath, I began composing a list of who knew, determined to interrogate each of them until I discovered who could no longer be trusted.

***

My list was exactly five names long; Katie, whose study it had been, my sister Hannah, my mother, and my friends Marie and Laurie. There was always the possibility that it was someone Will had told, but he was used to handling the media, so I doubted he’d told anyone who might leak it.

The next morning, I began with Hannah, Skyping her as soon as I knew she’d be back from taking the kids to school.

Will didn’t have a daily paper but I’d already looked up a few online, and a few gossip and fan sites. The papers were salivating but the gossip mongers and fan sites were brutal.

“Hi,” she grinned at me.

“Have you seen the papers today?” I wasn’t messing around.

“No, Bob brings one home from the office,” she frowned. “Why?”

“They know how Will and I met. Have you said anything to Mum?”

“Of course not, I gave you my word.”

“Have you said anything to anyone?”

“No.”

“Not even Bob?”

“Well of course him, I tell him everything, and we didn’t even know who Will was then, remember, you were hiding it from us.” She was getting angry with my accusations and rationally, I couldn’t blame her. I wasn’t feeling particularly rational just then though.

“So did you tell anyone else?”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know, just to make conversation, maybe?”

“Look,” she took a deep breath and leaned forward. “I get that this must be hard for you, and I even understand your accusing tone, but I haven’t done anything wrong. And Bob wouldn’t have told anyone either, you know he’s not one to gossip.”

“Did you tell the girls?”

“No, they’re not old enough to understand anyway.”

“Could they have overheard you talking and told a school friend.”

“Contrary to your inflated ego, we don’t spend all day talking about you and your fancy man! I don’t think I’ve even thought about how you and Will met since you two came up here for Hogmanay.”

“Okay,” there really wasn’t much else I could say, was there? “Sorry if I sounded accusatory.”

I could see her deflate a little. “I get it, Elle, and I’m sorry this happened, but you can't go around accusing people.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I signed off soon after that, determined to move onto the next call. I wondered about that lie detecting software I’d read about, that was supposed to measure stress in the voice. I wondered if I could buy and install it before I called anyone else? Then I wondered if I was losing my mind.

Next I phoned Katie on her mobile. I got her voicemail the first three times but it rang on the fourth try.

“Hey, I’m glad you called,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve been run off my feet with calls all morning. Next time you decide to go public, how about a heads up.”

“We didn’t leak this,” I assured her.

“Then what happened?”

“I was hoping you might know,” I confessed with a sigh.

“I haven’t told anyone.”

“Couldn’t one of your staff have told someone? Or the professors reviewing your work?”

“If I could afford to have staff, I wouldn’t be answering my own phone this morning,” she sighed. “As for the research, each subject has a code that identifies them but even on the master list, that only I should have access to, Will’s name was never entered. I called him Thomas Williams.”

“How did the press find you then?”

“My study isn’t a secret, I even placed a couple of ads online looking for volunteers.”

I sighed, another dead end.

“One of the reporters did say something interesting though,” she said a second later. “It’s what made me think that you had leaked it for the publicity.”

“What?”

“I’m just trying to remember the exact wording. It was the guy from TMZ, he said he’s the one who broke the story and when I denied that Will had ever taken part in my study, I think he said that he got the information from a close relative of yours.”

“Mine, not Will’s?”

“Yeah, he said your name.”

“That was his exact wording?”

“I think so. He might have said just family member, or someone close to you, but I’m 99 percent sure he said ‘close’ and ‘relative’.”

The only person who fit that description was Hannah.

“And he said he got it directly from them?”

“Yeah. He said they were his source.”

Hannah might have spoken out of turn but she wouldn’t talk directly to a gossip site.

“He might have been bluffing. Did you confirm anything?” I asked.

“No, I just kept saying that I can’t comment on individual participants. Well, I did say that, now I just say ‘no comment’ and hang up.”

“I’m sorry.” I felt guilty for the hassle this was causing her, and finally understood a little why Will felt responsible when his celebrity caused me difficulties.

“It’s not your fault. If anything it’s mine, for taking Will up on his offer to participate.”

“You couldn’t have predicted this.”

We said goodbye soon after that and I thought about what I’d learned. At least I could be fairly sure that the blame didn’t lie with Will now, so I had learned something.

I had similarly bad luck with Marie and Laurie, so I just had to hope that Lee discovered the source, or I’d end up a paranoid recluse.

And foolishly, I had to keep looking online. It was as if my relationship was a car crash that I was unable to look away from.