Making Me Sane (Sanity Book 2) (5 page)

She nods, but she’s still not happy about it. “When did you decide to break up with me?”

“A few hours before I did it. All I could think about was how I was making you worse. How maybe your dad was right and my depression would affect yours. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I did what I thought would help us both. I knew you were panicked, but I figured it was over finals or something. I didn’t know it was something so serious.”

“That’s why you should’ve let me talk,” she snaps. “But then, you probably would’ve broken up with me a few weeks later anyway.” The tension leaves her as she focuses on Lily again. “It’s been good for you, I know, but it hasn’t been for me. I’ve done nothing but struggle this entire time. My longest good streak was a month, which is when I met Quinn.” Her mouth parts, but then closes. She swallows hard. “Have you seen anyone? Been with anyone?” Her question is hesitant.

“Not a soul,” I answer. That’s the truth. I haven’t been interested in anyone else. I haven’t even been on so much as a date. Brittany has consumed my thoughts since she ran off my porch last May. There’s no room for anyone else.

“Well, that makes me feel a little guilty.”

“It shouldn’t,” I quickly tell her. “There’s no reason to feel guilty, so don’t.” Do I like that she was seeing someone else? No. If she was truly happy, would I have found a way to let her go? Yes. Brittany accepts my answer. She doesn’t say anything for a minute. “What are you thinking?” I ask gently.

“I don’t know.” Her voice is soft and her eyes turn glassy. “I don’t know about this, Trace. I wasn’t lying when I said that I hated you or that I don’t trust you anymore. It hurt too much to lose you. I almost got two weeks instead of one at the psych ward because it took me a couple of days to leave my room.” Her tears fall freely now and it takes so much to keep myself from pulling her into my arms. “You had always been with me through this mess. Then, all of a sudden, you were gone. The person I went to, relied on, and depended on was
gone
. Hell, I’m still trying to cope. I don’t know how to take you back or if I should. I don’t know.”

My self-control diminishes. I cup her face, forcing her to look at me. “Take me back and I promise we’ll be together for good. I won’t walk away again. I’ll do anything to regain your trust and get rid of the hate. You let me in, and I’ll do the rest.”

Those brown eyes of hers are searching mine, trying to find my soul, and hoping like hell that I’m not lying to her. She wants to believe me, I can tell, but she’s still unsure. My gaze drops to her mouth, so close to my own.

“Don’t,” she whispers, snapping my attention upward. “It’s bad enough that you’re sitting next to me and touching me. Please don’t kiss me again.”

I rest my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry that I did this to you. Please, Britt, let me fix it.”

“What if we can’t be fixed?”

“We can be.”

She stares at me for a moment before nodding and pulling away. “I should go. I just wanted to ask those questions.” Brittany stands, turns, and looks back down at me. “No promises, but I’ll think about it.”

I nod. That’s all I can ask for. Lily and I watch her leave before heading inside.

“You’ve spoken to Brittany?” My therapist, Mrs. Kirk, isn’t really surprised. My plan this month was to reach out to Brittany. It just happened sooner since I ran into her at the event.

“Yes.”

“How’d that go?”

I half-laugh, half-scoff. “Okay, I guess. Every negative feeling she’s felt toward me since last year has built up. She says she hates me, but by the time we finished talking, she’s supposed to think about giving me a chance. It’s been a few days since then, and I haven’t heard from her.”

“What exactly happened when you saw her?”

I explain every little detail from when my eyes landed on her to taking her home to spending the following day with her. Mrs. Kirk purses her lips as she listens to me. When I finish, she eyes me for a moment before speaking.

“So Brittany is worse off with her depression and anxiety than before you left her, she has a
lot
of anger toward you for the pain you caused her, and she has even told you repeatedly that she hates you. You still think she’ll let you back into her life?” Mrs. Kirk raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“It’s not going to be easy, but yeah. She’s pissed at me and says she hates me. So what? She still loves me. That’s all that matters.”

“And if that’s not enough for her to come back to you?”

My jaw clenches as my hand grips my neck. “That’s not going to happen.”

Mrs. Kirk leans forward, resting her forearms on her desk. “You’ve been seeing me for a while, Trace. Every single session, you talk about Brittany. You’ve been focused on your last step of getting her back for two months. Not once have you ever entertained the idea that she might not take you back.”

“Because it’s not an option.”

“Sounds like it might be.”

I shake my head. “It’s not,” I force out. “She’ll come around. She just needs time. Don’t tell me to prepare for another outcome because this is the
only
outcome.”

Mrs. Kirk analyzes me. “Okay.” She makes me talk to her about any other issues I’ve been having lately, and then I’m leaving.

My fingers tap against my steering wheel as I think about what she said. Is it really an option for Brittany not to take me back? How likely is it? What am I going to do if she refuses to give me a chance? I catch sight of a florist shop and pull into the small lot. I’m overwhelmed by the floral aroma that hits me the moment I walk into the door.

As I glance at all the flowers on display, I realize I don’t even know if Brittany likes flowers, much less which is her favorite.

“Can I help you?”

I turn to see an elderly lady, probably only five feet tall, wearing an apron and her hands propped on her hips.

“I was hoping to get some flowers.”

“What kind?”

“Um.” I glance around. “I have no clue.”

One corner of her mouth lifts. She finds me amusing. “Do you know what kind she likes?”

I chuckle and shake my head. Of course the reason I’m here is obvious. Why else would a man buy flowers?

“How much trouble are you in?”

“A lot.”

“Girlfriend or wife?” she asks, already looking around the room at her options.

“Ex-girlfriend I’m trying to win back a year after we broke up.”

“Whew. You are in trouble. I’ll fix you up something nice if you don’t mind waiting about twenty minutes?”

“That’s fine.”

She motions toward a vacant seat, so I sit down while she disappears into the back. “Do you need a vase?” she calls out.

“Yes, ma’am.” Twenty minutes later, she returns with a bouquet of what she says are sterling roses. As she rings me up, I ask, “Do flowers even really help?”

“They can’t hurt,” she answers. “They are always a nice surprise as well. I wish you luck.”

“Thank you.”

It doesn’t take me too terribly long to drive to Brittany’s apartment. Hopefully, she’s home and won’t mind my surprise visit. Hell, I hope she likes the flowers. As I knock on her door, I realize I’ve never bought anyone flowers except for my mom every year on her birthday. A moment passes and no one answers. I guess she’s not home. Should I leave them here or come back later?

Before I can decide, I hear her voice behind me. “Trace? What are you doing here?”

Fucking hell. Her ex-boyfriend is with her. What was his name again? Brittany is eyeing me and the flowers with discomfort while the guy is glaring at me. I have at least seven inches on him, and I smirk when he stands up taller.

“I just wanted to drop these off with you,” I start, finally answering her question. “I was checking in, too.”

She bumps into me as she unlocks her door. “Nothing has changed,” she says quietly. Brittany pushes the door open and motions for Quinn to go in. “I’ll be only be a sec.” I rake my gaze up and down her body. She’s dressed nicely, like maybe she just came from work. “Stop looking at me like that,” she snaps.

“Sorry,” I mutter the lie. “You don’t have to do anything or say anything. Just take the flowers.” I don’t want to pressure her in any way or become a jealous jackass or do anything to rock the boat.

Brittany slowly reaches out to take them from me as if they might bite her or startle her in some way. “They’re pretty.” She dips her head to inhale the scent and then tilts her head back to look at me, a small smile on her face. “Thank you.” We can hear Quinn moving around inside. “He’s just grabbing some of his things,” she explains.

“Good to know.” I grin, causing her to roll her eyes.

“You should go, Trace.”

“I just have one question first.” She waits patiently for me to ask. “Nothing’s changed? Meaning what exactly? You’re still thinking or you’re still saying no?”

“Still thinking.”

“All right. If you need help deciding, call me.” I grin.

Brittany laughs, and damn, I’ve missed her laugh. Without thinking, I bend to kiss her forehead. Her laugh abruptly ends. I walk away before I can capture much more of her reaction because I don’t want to see her conflicted eyes, a mixture of resistance, desire, love, and hate. There’s only two of those that I’d rather see.

The lack of anger at my unannounced arrival has to be good, right? She didn’t immediately kick me to the curb. She smiled and even laughed. She’ll come back to me.

She has to.

I
stare at the flowers Trace brought. No one has ever bought me flowers before. It’s odd how it’s softened me. They’re just flowers. They’ll be dead eventually.

“What’s the deal with him?” I hear Quinn ask. “You never mentioned him.”

“It’s a long story, which I doubt you actually want to hear,” I say as I face him.

“I still care about you.” As if that’s enough reason to talk about an ex.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Quinn frowns. “I miss you.”

For some reason, I doubt he truly means it. We were only together for two months, and the first sight of an old flame re-entering the picture so soon after we break up is probably why he misses me. Quinn is a little...territorial, I guess. He’s probably just jealous.

“I’m too much work, remember?” I say, causing him to flinch.

“Not my best choice of words,” he mumbles.

“Yet they’re still true. Did you get everything?” The sooner he leaves, the better. I can’t deal with two men in my life. It’s been a long day at work, plus dealing with both Trace and Quinn, and I’m exhausted. I need sleep ASAP.

“Yeah. I’ll, um, get going. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Once he’s out the door, I decide to skip dinner and head to bed. Who cares if it’s only six in the evening? I’ve been up since six this morning and have had more than I can handle for one day. Even though I have no clue what I want to do about Trace, the looming decision is weighing on me. I’ve been trying not to think about it really. It just stresses me out and leaves me more confused than anything. I am so angry with him, but I miss him and he was sweet bringing me flowers, and he seems so genuine.

What am I supposed to do with that shit?

My feelings for Trace are all over the place. How am I supposed to make a decision based on that? Rebecca is firmly Team Anyone But Trace. Same for my dad. Mom is the only one who thinks he deserves another chance. Thirty minutes after getting in bed, I can’t sleep. I decide to call Mom.