Malice in Wonderland #1: Alice the Assassin (2 page)

“Pardon?”

“You said ‘only’ then you listed three things.”

Alice sighs. “You wouldn’t understand. You’re only a card. I say ‘only’ because they are empty things, you see. Oh, I wish I could be heartless like you.”

The card hops, then twirls in midair. “Well, why don’t you be? How hard can it be to get rid of your heart?” He does a little dance. “Why, you only have one, after all!”

Alice pouts. “But us girls need our hearts! We couldn’t live without them.”

“Ah, but this is Wonderland! Why, look at me! I am the Thirteen of Heartless! You should be like me! I break all the rules. I’m a renegade. I was created to make Wonderland more interesting, to shake things up, for I’m a wild card! Why, I can even show up anywhere in the deck I want to!”

“Isn’t that cheating?”

“Absolutely!”

Alice bites her lip in frustration. She’s heard of players of cards cheating, but not the actual cards themselves. “So who created you?”

“Why no one did! I’m your birthday present! I popped out of a big cake at your birthday party!”

“But that makes no sense. Who put you
in
the cake?”

“Why, no one did!”

“But you can’t pop out of a cake unless you first go in!”

“Well that sounds like a rule, and I don’t follow rules!”

Alice sighs. “Did the Queen have fun at my party?” Usually whenever anyone says, “the Queen”, they are referring to the Queen of Hearts, because the Red Queen doesn’t get mentioned as much, due to the fact that she’s currently locked up in the Queen of Heart’s dungeon.

The card says, “Yes, unfortunately. I’d just like to say it was rather rude for you not to show up for your own birthday party. Oh, but Queen had fun beheading people and creatures. ‘Off with their heads!’ she kept saying.” He’s scowling now.

Alice hates the Queen of Hearts, because she’s responsible for so much of the misery in Alice’s life. It is the Queen’s guard who keeps Alice chained up, who forces her to go on her daily rounds—rounds in which the Tweedle twins like to make her cry so they can lick her tears, the Caterpillar makes her smoke from his hookah, and the Queen herself uses Alice’s tears to make herself more beautiful. Alice says, “And what happened to your hearts?”

“I had to give them to the Queen, because she collects them. She’s a thief who stole my hearts! I wish I could get back at her. But I must admit, it’s so much more fun being heartless. Why, I can be ruthless and vicious, a cad, a renegade! And not care a whit, for I have not even one heart!”

“I envy you. My only one heart is quite a burden. I would like to try being heartless, but just for a little while. Can you help me?”

“Why certainly my dear! I’d love to make another heartless being like me, to help me get revenge on the Queen! And I think you may grow to like it, though you say only ‘a little while’.” He winks. “I shall simply make a rule!”

“But I thought you liked to break rules!”

He waves his hand dismissively. “Pish posh. Why my dear, whenever I
make
a new rule, I
break
the old rules. It’s all the same.”

Alice thinks about this. “Yes, I suppose that’s true.”

“So I shall simply make a rule that lets you take out your heart, and put it back in if you want!” He beams as if supremely proud of himself.

“You can simply make up rules? Pull them out of thin air?”

“Yes, like pulling a rabbit from a hat! Magic!” He makes razzle dazzle jazz hands.

The joy at possibly achieving her goal causes Alice to beam, herself. “So what’s the rule?”

Now the card is waggling a finger. “Oh, no. There can be no rule unless the game is known. What card game do you propose?”

“Solitaire.”

“There’s already a rule for that, silly. I just recited it to you a few moments ago.”

“Can’t there be another one?”

“No! Only one rule per game. I thought that was obvious.”

“Well it wasn’t obvious to me, so no it wasn’t. But how about Old Maid?”

“Already a rule. Would you like to hear it?”

“No thank you. How about Go Fish? Hearts? Um…”

“No there are already rules for those. I’ve been thinking of rules all day, and none of them have to do with you getting rid of your heart.”

Alice is annoyed. “So why don’t you tell me a game you don’t have a rule for yet.”

“Well, that would be difficult, for you see, I’ve made a rule for every card game I can think of, so in order to suggest one, I’d have to think of one I can’t think of, which would be most difficult.”

Alice thinks the creatures of Wonderland can be so very irritating, but she rarely does anything, because she is so nice. And she would definitely never do anything to hurt them, though she’s often felt that if she could bring herself to harm some of her tormentors she might make a better life for herself, but then again, they might strike back, making things worse than before, so maybe not. Even so, she wants to try being heartless just a little while, but this card is not making things easy. Frustrated, she says, “Well, I say, this hat that you’ve been pulling rules out of seems to be quite empty!”

Now what she just said stirs something in her mind. She says, “What about the game of ‘Tossing Cards in a Hat’?” She doesn’t know if it counts as a card game, since it is more of a throwing game, and also, she doesn’t have a hat, but even so, it would be a minor victory to think of something that the Thirteen of Heartless had not.

“Aha!” he says, lifting a finger in the air. “I had not thought of that.”

“So there’s no rule?”

“Of course not! But come now I shall make one.

“If you play someone who also may win,

And you toss me in a hat far away,

You can take out your heart, or put it back in.

For I’m the Thirteen of Heartless, I say!”

Alice is excited, tries to clap, but she is still chained. So now she kind of taps her right hand with her left. Now she remembers though—“But I haven’t got a hat!”

“Well you need one to play.”

“How about a different card game? One I can play now?”

“Oh, no, I won’t waste all those rules just for you. You’ll just have to find a hat.”

And now they hear, coming through the walls on the right side of Alice, a bunch of yowling and hooting. They are coming, as they do every day at noon. They must have forgotten it’s her birthday too. To the card she explains, “It’s my surprise unhappy unbirthday party.”

“You don’t look very surprised.”

“Well the surprise part comes in the various ways they torment me during each party. They try something new every day.”

“Well why do you let them do that? Why, if it were me, I’d show them a thing or two.”

“Because I’m not really a mean person. They say I wouldn’t hurt a fly. They said that a month ago, when to prove it, they taped my wrists, covered me in glue and put a piece of raw meat on top of my head. You can imagine the result.” She shudders.

The card laughs. “Yes, very funny! So shall we play toss me in a hat?”

“No, I haven’t got a hat…but the Mad Hatter does. He’ll be one of my guests. But I must say, you’re a bit big for me to toss anyhow. You wouldn’t fit in his hat.”

“So I’ll shrink!”

And with that, the card leaps and shrinks in midair to the size of one of Alice’s hand-sized playing cards. It balances precariously on the edge of the desk for a second before she grabs it, gathers all the cards together, then slips the deck into a pocket of her black dress. Many dresses don’t have pockets, but hers does, and the pockets have the amazing ability to hold huge amounts without causing a bulge.

She slips the deck in as her first guest appears in her doorway, without having to open it, for the door has remained open this whole time.

CHAPTER TWO

Unhappy Unbirthday!

The first of them to walk in is Tweedledum, carrying the chocolate unbirthday cake—it’s always the same flavor—with always twelve candles that could not be blown out, though they always made her try, while they laughed. Tweedledum says, “Unhappy unbirthday.”

Tweedledee comes in next. He says, “Ditto.” He’s carrying a large rolled up piece of paper. Tweedledum and Tweedledee look like two chubby twin boys.

Humpty Dumpty enters next, as they all begin to sing. He has his razorblade he likes to cut Alice with. But thankfully he’s not carrying the tape. She hates when he brings the tape.

“Unhappy unbirthday to you!”
they all sing.

The March Hare comes in next while they sing, carrying the Dormouse, who is sound asleep, in his arms. The Dormouse looks kind of like a mouse with a furry tail, and he always seems to be sleeping.

“Unhappy unbirthday to you!”

Next through the door is the Mad Hatter, carrying two custard pies—one in each hand.

“Unhappy unbirthday, pathetic Alice!”

Next comes the Three of Hearts. It’s his job to unchain Alice every day so she can go on her appointed rounds. He doesn’t follow her throughout the day though—she’s allowed to go on her rounds by herself, because everyone knows Alice is trustworthy to a fault.

Behind the guard, squeezing through the doorway, galumphs the Jabberwock, the only one of them not singing. He has to stoop so as not to hit the ceiling—either he’s somewhat too big for the room, or the room is somewhat too small. He’s holding his vorpal sword in one of his clawed hands. She’s heard that he guards one of the eighth squares where the Looking Glass House is located, and he only leaves to attend her parties every day.

“Unhappy unbirthday to you!”

The guard card uses his key to unlock her as Tweedledum sets the cake on the table. They never let her eat any of the cake. They always eat it themselves.

As Alice approaches the table, they all clap, except for the Jabberwock, who is standing apart at the end of the room. Watching. He always just watches. He’s never mean, like the others. She often feels sorry for him, because she suspects he’s forced to tag along due to peer pressure. And she suspects that, despite the rumors, he never stole the Queen of Heart’s tarts—he just seems too nice to do a thing like that.

Humpty says, “Blow out the candles, or I’ll cut you!” He slashes the blade through the air, almost striking the March Hare, who yelps. “Careful with that thing. You almost woke him,” he says, referring to the Dormouse.

“Well you shouldn’t stand in the way!” Humpty explains.

The Tweedle twins are now shouting, “Blow out the candles!” They snicker.

It is a tradition and expected of her, and she hates to disappoint. So she does what she does every single day and blows out the candles. There is a pause while the creatures watch, then the flames pop back up.

They all laugh at her.

Alice smiles and tries to appear gracious.

Tweedledee says, “Are you ready for your prize?” He unfurls a large paper cut-out replica of Alice. “Ta da!” He heads for one of the walls.

Alice announces, “However, today is not my unbirthday.”

Humpty Dumpty shakes his head gravely. “You shouldn’t start a sentence with ‘however’ unless you have a sentence stating something appropriate before, which would be the thing you’re howevering. It’s not grammatical. I should cut you.”

“Sorry,” Alice says, curtsying. “I mean to say, today is actually my birthday, so it’s the wrong day for this party.”

Various of the creatures say things, after gasping, such as:

“Is it true?”

“Whose fault is this?”

“How can it be?”

And, “How rude!”

“Inappropriate!”

“I’m very sorry,” says Alice, but “I’m sure tomorrow will be my unbirthday again. We could have a surprise party then!”

The Mad Hatter puts on a most pitiful face, it brings such guilt to Alice. Woefully, he says, “But I was going to smash these pies in your face.”

From the end of the room, Tweedledee says, “And we were going to play pin the tail on the Alice.” He had set the paper replica of Alice on the wall without her noticing. “And everywhere we pinned the tail, we would actually stick
you
with a pin.” He sighs. “It would have been so funny.”

Next to him, Tweedledum says, “Ditto” in a sad sad voice.

Alice says, “Do you have a blindfold?”

Tweedledum says, “Of course not! How would we be able to see where we stick the pins?” He crosses his arms.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

The March Hare says to Alice, “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

The Dormouse lifts his head, says, “I’m sorry, but I was taking a nap.” He lowers his head again and closes his eyes.

Alice opens her mouth to speak, but the Mad Hatter interrupts her by saying, “Well, I suppose we should be leaving then! I take it you will be going on your usual rounds?”

Alice nods. “Yes, I expect so.”