Man of My Dreams (14 page)

Declan is seated next to me with Charlie on his lap, playing with his cuff links. He removes his hand from her restless grip and places it at the base of my neck, trying to massage away my worry.

“He’s going to be okay, Mia. He’s a healthy man and this hospital has one of the best cardiac teams in the state. He’s in good hands. Please stop crying, baby.”

His words make sense. This is no doubt routine to these surgeons, they probably fix people’s hearts at least one hundred times a week. But this isn’t just anyone. My father’s heart is in their hands, literally, and to them he is only another patient. To me—he is everything. Declan’s logical words do nothing to calm my nerves.

“He has to be okay, Dec. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” I wipe away more tears. I’m surprised there are any left after how much I’ve cried these past months.

“Babe, you know I’m here for you. We’ll get through this...no matter what happens...together.” He squeezes my hand tight, reassuring me of his words, bringing it up to his mouth for a soft kiss.

For a split second all the pain, disappointment, and resentment vanish. This whole situation brings back too many scary memories, but what stands out the most is having Declan by my side. He helped me through a dark time once before and I can’t imagine anyone else next to me in this hospital waiting room.

Maybe it’s the fear of loss, or the emotional overload, but something comes over me and I just blurt it out. “Dec, please come home. Tonight. Today. Whatever. I can’t be alone anymore.”

I expect him to jump up out of his seat and do a happy dance, but instead he looks away and then down at the scuffed up tile floor. When he lifts his head, his eyes are closed tight, his jaw clenched even tighter.

I don’t know what to say to this reaction. So I say nothing at all. I just stare, waiting for his explanation.

“Mia, I leave Monday for Hong Kong.”

I breathe in a long intake of sterilized air.

He continues. “It’s a month long trip.”

My heart stops. Tears rim my already swollen eyes.

“Mia, they knew I was available. The timing was right. I didn’t know when you’d let me come back home so I volunteered to do it. I was going to tell you this weekend. I was going to take the three of you out to spend some time together before I left, I swear.”

I know this isn’t his fault, but I still want to yell and scream at him as if it is. But the words can’t make their way out. My brain isn’t allowing them to form correctly. Can this be classified as a nervous breakdown?

“Say something. Please?”

I’m about to beg him to call his boss, take a leave of absence, quit, but a masked doctor steps out of the swinging doors of the operating area and I feel every drop of blood drain out of my face, working its way down my veins to my feet. He stops in front of me and Declan. My mother rushes over from the vending machine a few feet away and we all pay close attention to the possible life altering words that are about to escape this man’s mouth.

I can’t get a read on what he’s about to say. They must train them to be empty of all emotion in situations like this. His eyes are blank, not revealing any hint of good or bad. He directs the hard stare at my mother and starts to speak. “Your husband made it out of surgery.”

Thank you, God!
We all let out the breath we were holding, simultaneously.

“But things were more complicated than we had anticipated. He’s in critical condition, and will be until we can get in there again. But the heart’s been through too much trauma today so we need more time before the next operation. I will explain the details to you thoroughly, but what you need to know now is that he is not out of the woods yet.”

I don’t know how to register this.
The heart’s been through too much trauma.
If that weren’t the term to define this year, I don’t know what is. My own heart felt like it had been ripped out and stomped on before today and now, there isn’t much more left of it.

Declan walks to the nurse’s station with our daughters. I see one of the younger, friendlier nurses bend down to their level and take Cara’s hand. She carries a bag of crayons to the seating area a few feet away.

He makes his way back over to me and my mother and brings me in for a hug.

I know he means well and if the circumstances were different this hug would make me feel protected, a reminder that I am not alone. But from what the doctor just told us, my father is going to have a long recovery and Declan will be in Hong Kong for most of it. In this moment, surrounded by almost all of the faces I love most, I have never felt more alone in my life.

“I have three papers due at the end of the week, Dec. Stop distracting me.” I try to push his roaming hands off my body, even though I really don’t want to.

“Come on, babe. You’ve been at it all day. You deserve a little break.” His lips are in that spot, just below my ear, nibbling my jaw line. The weak spot. The one that always makes me cave.

But not today.

I roll my eyes back, enjoying where this could go, but quickly snap back when my fingers graze the pages of the reference book I should be memorizing. “No!” I put my hand up against his beautiful face, squishing his nose and shoving him away.

“Damn it, Mia. Fine! Do the studious thing, but I need a breather. I’m going to the Burger Hut to grab a bite, I’ll bring something back.”

“Don’t forget the strawberry shake!”

He leans down to kiss me goodbye as I highlight a pertinent piece of information from my notes. He starts to walk out of my dorm room and the phone rings.

I look up from the mess and stop Declan at the door, “Babe, please get that for me?”

Without hesitation, he does me the favor and picks the phone up off the receiver. “Hello?”

I watch his eyes brighten and his mouth curl in to a smile at the sound of the person on the other end. “Oh hey, Mr. P. How’s it going? Yup, she’s knee deep in research. I’m actually running out to grab her some fuel. Want her?”

I lift my head from the books, huffing and throwing my arm out in the direction of the phone.

“Okay, Mr. P. No problem.” Declan walks over to me with the receiver and places it in my hand. Then he sits on the edge of the bed.

“I thought you were going.”

“Your dad asked me to wait.” He looks as confused as I feel, but he nudges me along, “Go ahead. Talk to him.”

“Hi, Daddy. What’s up?”

This whole thing is odd. I spoke to my dad yesterday and told him how much school work I had to get done in the next few days. He would never interrupt my studying. Something’s up and I’m starting to get nervous.

“I don’t want to alarm you and I hate to do this over the phone, but...”

Declan must sense the fear in my eyes, he reaches over and squeezes my knee.

“But what, Dad? Something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Mom got some results back today from her mammogram. They found something—a lump. It could be nothing, it could be something. We won’t know until after the biopsy report comes in.” My dad sounds so calm, as if he’s rehearsed this. His voice doesn’t tremble or crack as if he isn’t telling me what I’m thinking.

Nothing is great, but something? As in cancer. Oh my god, I’m going to be sick. I throw the phone onto the bed, unable to listen to the rest. “Declan, take the phone. Talk to him. I...I can’t.”

I pace my room, crying, fanning myself, gulping down the nausea that wants to take over me, as I watch Declan jot down information from my father.
Thank you for being here, baby. Thank you for not walking out one second before that phone rang.
I wouldn’t be able to compose myself to make any sense out of the instructions my father’s giving out.

Declan hangs up the phone and walks over to me on the other side of the room. “Mia, calm down. I’m here and we don’t have any reason to freak out just yet. We need to cool down and figure out what we do next.”

I love how he keeps saying ‘we.’ It’s so comforting to know I’m not in this alone. So I use the same word when I make my next demand. “We need to leave. We have to go home. We have to be with her.”

Declan shakes his head, slapping his hands down on his thighs. “So much for calm, Mia. Listen to me. There is no rush. Your father told me the biopsy results won’t be in for another few days. We both have papers and assignments due, we can’t just...”

“Oh yes we can! I can’t sit here and study while my mother could very well be...dying of cancer.” The harshness of the terrifying words brings more tears. I collapse onto Whitney’s bed, drooping my head into my trembling hands.

In a matter of seconds, Declan is at my side, rubbing my back, kissing me on the head. “I’ll talk to our professors. See what they can do. Tell me which ones and I’m on it. We’ll leave tonight, baby.”

Declan managed to get us both extensions on our papers. Most of the professors even exchanged email addresses with him so that they could send us any missed lessons and assignments so we wouldn’t fall behind. I know without a doubt that this was all due to Declan’s charm. Had I been the one to try and negotiate this sweet deal, the outcome would not have been as pleasant. Everyone loves Declan. And it’s not hard to figure out why.

“We’re almost home,” he says, gripping the steering wheel. “You hungry? We can go through a drive thru.”

“No, no stopping. Let’s just get there.” My mind is on one track right now, and as I said those words, I realized I never even though to think that my poor boyfriend might be hungry after this long, draining day. “You know what? There’s a place a few traffic lights up. We’ll stop there.”

On second thought, stopping is a good idea. I couldn’t wait to get here, but now, being so close, I still need more time before I face her. I haven’t even thought of what I’ll say yet.
I’m sorry? I love you? Please don’t die?
If I’m this scared, I can only imagine what’s going through
her
head. She’s the one with the lump in her breast. She’s the one that might have the wicked disease growing inside of her. Cancer. I cannot believe this is happening to my family.

“Mia, relax. Please, baby. I can see your wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours. This could be nothing. Let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”

I look over at him, unconvinced, but those glacier blue eyes soothe my frantic mind. I don’t know how I got so lucky to call this boy mine. I intend to hold on to him forever.

“You’re right, Dec. I’m just scared. I’ve never known anyone with cancer. You just hear all the scary stories about chemo, radiation. My mom’s so young. This shouldn’t be happening to her. To us. We have so much more ahead of us before she...goes.”

Declan’s eyes are on the road, but his attention is on me. He reaches over for my hand and places it on his lap. “She’s not going anywhere. Stop being so pessimistic. Glass half full, baby. She’s gonna get through this and so are we. She will see her little girl walk down the aisle. I’ll be sure of it because I can’t have you sad on our wedding day.”

My heart melts and for a second all the scariness of cancer is washed away by an image of Declan in a tux at the end of a long aisle, waiting to become my husband. The vision jerks my mind out of its worried state and catapults it into a surreal daydream.

“So, you’re that sure I’ll say yes, huh?” I joke, lightening the mood, for both of our sakes.

“You better say yes, Mia Page. I’m banking on it. You are the love of my life and I can’t imagine living it without you. You
will
be my wife one day...in the not too far off future.”

I wink at my someday husband as we pull into the drive thru, forgetting all my fears. I’m certain that if I have Declan by my side, everything will always be okay.