Man Up! (18 page)

Well, here we are at the end of the book! Can you believe it? Ahhhh. It feels good, doesn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I’m sore all over—my fingers from typing, my brain from thinking, and my face from smiling. Because, as enjoyable as this has been, writing a book is hard work!

I bet reading it all hasn’t been a walk in the park, either (unless, of course, you’re reading this while you’re actually walking in a park). Thank you so,
so
much for joining me on this journey, dear reader. As a token of my appreciation, I’d like to leave you with a parting gift. No, not a gourmet gift basket filled with high-end tasty treats or a weekend getaway to a bed-and-breakfast in Boca Raton. You see, my gift to you is the gift of knowledge. Yep, that’s right! It’s time for the quiz I mentioned in the prologue. Please take out your No. 2 pencil and don’t look at your neighbor’s book.

What, you thought I was kidding? Oh no, I’m as serious about this as I am about Zack Efron’s pecs, nonfat frozen yogurt, and correcting people when they misquote dialogue from
Pretty Woman
. Like, for reals. I don’t joke about the important stuff.

I know a quiz might seem like overkill, but it is my deepest, most sincere hope that after you’ve digested the stories put forth in this book, a few precious kernels of wisdom shall remain intact. It’s kinda like when you eat corn, you know what I mean?

I’ve designed these questions to help recap the more memorable moments of this book. Okay, who am I kidding? I just want to see if you really read the damn thing. I promise though, it’ll be quick and painless. After all, we’re just waxing nostalgic here, not waxing our hoo-hahs. Trust me, it’ll be easy-breezy cover-to-cover, girl.

If you get a perfect score, I’ll totally put you on my honor roll. No shame in being smart, people, and just about everybody looks sexy in glasses! Can you say “geek chic”?

Okay, here we go:

1. What are the names of my two paw-fect lil’ pups? 
   
   1. Mijo and Louise 
      
   2. Lil’ Loco and Wynndex 
      
   3. Fart-Knocker and Mary Kate 
      
2. Who is my Oscar-Winning BFF? 
   
   1. That one guy who did sound for
      Titanic
       
      
   2. Gwyneth Paltrow 
      
   3. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 
      
3. Which employer fired me for “Grand Theft: Pajama Pants”? 
   
   1. Lane Bryant 
      
   2. Men’s Warehouse 
      
   3. Arleen’s Discount Jammy Emporium  
      
4. What dish do I make every Thanksgiving? 
   
   1. Uncle Jerry’s Creamed Corn 
      
   2. Cousin Tammy’s Tuna Casserole 
      
   3. Nana’s Potatoes 
      
5. What was the name of my high school drug awareness troupe? 
   
   1. The Straight ’n’ Narrows 
      
   2. Smack Attack! 
      
   3. Everything in Moderation Station 
      
6. What book did I read while hunting with my dad? 
   
   1. The latest Jackie Collins romance
      
   2. Little House on the Prairie
       
      
   3. Fifty Shades of Gay
       
      
7. What caused me to make a complete ass of myself in front of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen? 
   
   1. A teeny mascara blob 
      
   2. An entire spinach salad in my teeth 
      
   3. Accidentally calling her “Screech”
      
8. Who was the first person I ever came out to? 
   
   1. Our family dog, Iggy 
      
   2. My ex-girlfriend, Carrie
      
   3. I’m still in the closet 
      
9. What would my name be if I were a Superhero? 
   
   1. The Shrill 
      
   2. Captain Fabulous 
      
   3. The Inferior Decorator 
      
10. What’s the worst thing about a makeover? 
    
    1. There is… 
       
    2. …nothing bad… 
       
    3. …about a makeover. 
       
    4. ALL OF THE ABOVE 
       

Okay, now it’s time to find out what your score means!

You are dead to me.

I have to say, I’m very disappointed in you. It’s like I slaved over a hot stove all day, whipping up a gourmet dinner, and you took one measly bite. Remember when Tyra Banks freaked out on
America’s Next Top Model
that one time and screamed, “
I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you
”?

Well, I always thought she was overreacting…until now. The great news? Just like
America’s Next Top Model All Stars
, there’s still a chance for you. Go back to page 1 and reread this very important book. Only, this time, please take notes.

Okay, not bad. You’re kind of like sex with me—not the best, not the worst, but at least you tried and chances are you laughed a little.

OMG! You like me! You really like me! All my hard work paid off! I know it’s very difficult to concentrate and read a book, especially these days with the TV and Twitter and whatnot. I’m very impressed, dear reader! By the way, I’ve spoken to my lawyer, so you should probably keep an eye out for my restraining order. Your obsession with me is starting to freak me out. I mean, stalker much?

Whether or not I’m partial to gay men is a non-starter. The bottom line is that Ross Mathews is my favorite gay
person
. Is he defined by his homosexuality? Absolutely. But if I had to name the second thing I love most about Ross, it would be his unbridled enthusiasm.

I met him eight years ago at the
Tonight Show
, and after seeing his correspondence work on Jay Leno, I demanded that he do stand-up comedy. He was resistant to the idea but I forced his hand, body, and mind to at least give it a twirl. We spent a week in Arizona with him as my opening act, and even though he didn’t love stand-up, I watched him sashay up and down the dirty aisles of that comedy club like a toddler wearing a tiara.

He brought along his best friend Kimmy with whom we shared our days and pre-show sushi dinners. This was before I knew sushi wasn’t something you ordered on a daily basis while sequestered in a landlocked state. This was when Ross revealed to me that he had never given or received penetration; a straight-up virgin.

I had never met a virgin before and was extremely concerned. He reassured me that he had had a myriad of “almost” sex situations with women, which really knocked me for a loop-de-loop. “What person with female parts would think you’re straight?”

He regaled me with the first time he went downtown on a girl, or rather tried, and then almost vomited on her. I was horrified. What a victory lap for that poor girl.

I knew if he was ever going to have the guts to show a man his body, I would have to stay in his life and help him gain the confidence one requires to sleep around.

I am as proud to call Ross one of my dear friends many years later as I am proud to be able to publish his very first book. I can unabashedly admit that I have seen Ross turn from a young talented boy into the gay man’s Popeye.

A lady by the name of Chelsea Handler is responsible for this book’s existence. Honey bunny, I love you. You have given me so much, from the opportunity to really develop my point of view to a platform from which to express it and so much more. Everyone knows how funny you are, but I am honored to know firsthand how generous, kind, and loving you are. I also loved that you would call me at seven in the morning from your treadmill with notes on this book. I just love a lady who’s hands-on.

Jay Leno is responsible for anybody knowing who I am in the first place. Jay, if you hadn’t taken a risk on a wacky intern over a decade ago, I have no idea where I would be right now. Who would have thought that over eleven years after we met, I’d be writing about you in a book about my life? Unreal. I am eternally grateful.

These two amazing people, Jay and Chelsea, have been instrumental in the course of my life and career. A mere thank-you seems like much too simple a phrase to express the gratitude I feel, but thank you both so,
so
much.

Also, the people with whom I work on both Jay’s and Chelsea’s shows continue to inspire and support me. Thank you to Debbie Vickers, Tom Brunelle, Anthony Caleca, Joe Medeiros, Jack Cohen, Scott Atwell, Steve Ridgeway, Larry Jacobson, Kevin Frasier, Ken Gomez, Izzy Centeno, Sue Murphy, Michael Cox, Brad Wollack, Rene Mooshy, and all the hilarious and talented people I’ve had the privilege of performing with on both
The Tonight Show
and
Chelsea Lately
. Rising up to your level is an honor.

I still can’t believe I even know Gywneth Paltrow, let alone know her well enough to have her e-mail address. And I find it unfathomable that I would have the audacity to
e-mail
Gwyneth Paltrow and ask her to write the foreword in my book. A book that, by the way, contains an entire chapter about how creepily obsessed I am with her. And it is laughable that she agreed to do it, even after reading it. But that’s why I love her. She’s been a true BFF to me since the day we met. I love you, lady.

Thank you to the people who have inspired me as I’ve watched hours upon hours upon gazillions of hours of TV throughout my life, including: Jay, Howard Stern, Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell, Rikki Lake, Steve Edwards, Jillian Barberie, and Dorothy Lucey (formerly) from
Good Day LA
, and Oprah…Oprah…Oprah…

A special thank-you goes out to Michael Broussard, my literary agent, and Beth de Guzman, my editor, as well as everyone else at Grand Central Publishing. Thanks for being in my corner and for guiding me so well.

Thank you to all my agents at CAA for their constant support and guidance. You’re all the best in the business.

Thank you to everyone at E! for always being so supportive and kind.

Austin Young shot the cover photograph for this book. From the first time I saw his amazing work, I knew I wanted him to shoot my first book cover. Ten years later, he did so, and he did an awesome job.

My manager, Mark Degenkolb, has been a constant in my life for years. Thank you for being the person at the front lines of our business who not only has the job of giving me the good news, but knows how to deliver the bad news as well. Thank you, also, for that time you told me I was getting fat again.

My mom is a kind, giving caretaker and a real trouper. Thank you for not only loving me no matter what, but also never once asking me to remove something from this book. I love you!

Thank you to my brother, Eric, for allowing me to share our stories and for being a major source of support. I love you, buddy.

I wish my father could’ve read this book. He would’ve thought it was hilarious. I miss you, Dad, and I love you.

There are so many others to thank for their kindness, friendship, love, and support throughout my life, including: Kim, Boni, Kai, Ryan MacD, Kathy Clark Smith, Mr. Zickler, Ms. Smith, Ms. Watson, Mac, Karen Paterka, Dr. and Sistah Neighbor, Dan Pasternack, Mike Laponis, Dr. Kim Martin, Esther, Nikki Boyer, Daria Benedict, Susan and Butch Kisler, Bill and Mike, Arleen and Pat, Diana DegenKolb, Don, Jackie Collins, Carlos, Christina, Uncles Jon, Billy, and Jimmy, Aunts Jill, Sandy, Betty, Marilyn, and Rosie, Grandma Bonnie, Bunka, both my grandfathers, my cousins, all the blog buddies, and so many others. I am so lucky to know you all.

Jackie Beat and Taya Faber, two of the funniest people to grace this planet, consulted with me during my writing process. Together, laughing in my house as I typed, we became a troupe of misfit writers determined to tell a funny, honest, and worthwhile story. Look at what we did, you guys! I’m proud of us and I love you both.

My paw-fect pups, Louise and Mijo, are always there for me with a million kisses. Daddy loves you!

To my Salvador, who thinks I’m absolutely ridiculous. On our first date, as I became frazzled while looking for parking, he told me, “You need to calm down.” He’s been that kind of consistently calming presence ever since. Thank you, Salvador, for building a life with me and for being patient as I finished this book. You are an essential source of strength for me. I love you so much.

And finally, to my future children, I will always love you, no matter what. Here’s hoping, even after you read this book one day in the distant future, you’ll extend me the same courtesy. I can’t wait to meet you.

If I forgot anyone, I’m sorry. It’s like that time Hillary Swank won the Oscar for
Boys Don’t Cry
and totally forgot to thank her husband, what’s-his-name. They ended up getting divorced. So, if I did forget you, let’s be honest—it doesn’t look good for us. Thanks anyway, though.

Mathews out.

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Title Page
Welcome
Dedication
Foreword
Prologue: Balloon Day
Chapter One: Mathews vs. Phobe
Chapter Two: Ladies’ Man
Chapter Three: Voice Male?
Chapter Four: Ross the Intern 1: TV and Me
Chapter Five: Ross the Intern 2: He Works Hard for No Money
Chapter Six: Ross the Intern 3: Floating “On-Air”
Chapter Seven: A Thiessen to Celebrate
Chapter Eight: You Better Work (And a Lifelong Secret Revealed)
Chapter Nine: How I Became BFFs with Oscar Winner Gwyneth Paltrow
Chapter Ten: Practically Paw-fect in Every Way
Chapter Eleven: Male Bonding
Chapter Twelve: Uncle Ross and Anti-Drug
Chapter Thirteen: The Kwan and Only
Chapter Fourteen: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Chapter Fifteen: Like a Prayer
Chapter Sixteen: Squash Injustice
Chapter Seventeen: Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are
Epilogue: Man Up!
Bonus Quiz
Afterword
Acknowledgments
Newsletters
Copyright