Manhattan Muse: A Contemporary Romance (6 page)

It was 5:30am and Adam’s new record was reverberating against all four walls. I felt its waves bounce off of my skin and the bass vibrate my heart inside of my sternum. Oh, how I had missed this escape.

The tears spilled down my cheeks as I moved to the music. I had slept for two days straight and had finally gotten around to cleaning up the filth that was my apartment.
This epidemic was partially my fault because I had told everyone not to touch anything. Adam had already broken my rule by stocking my refrigerator. However, I was too happy to be home to reprimand him and, with the mindset that he was in, there was a high chance he would take my scolding as sexual prowess.

With feather duster in hand, I swept the surface of my bedroom vanity. I pranced to my dresser before dropping into a split to weave between the piles of DVDs and appliances of my entertainment set. Reaching my arms up above my head, I pulled myself up
to the beat landing me in front of my light up cell phone on my bedside table.

It was Dave.

Plug in your home phone. None of us can get a hold of you. We are worried.

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The home phone was the one thing I hadn’t unplugged over the course of my absence. Gliding to the counter, I saw that it was indeed unplug. While it booted up, I texted Dave back only hear a million beeps reach my ears as the digital counter on the face of the machine climbed to new heights.

When it stopped at the number thirty-one, I looked at it hesitantly before hitting play. What sounded next wasn’t abrasive. It was harmonious and soothing.

“Molly,” it said, breathlessly.
A few seconds of awkward silence ensued before it continued. “So, I decided, after I watched you check in to the hospital, that I wanted to chronicle our time apart with voice mails. I can hear you chuckling already.”

My thumb pressed the pause button
of my iHome instantaneously as I recognized the tremble in the voice – the voice I had been trying so hard to forget.

“I love you more than you know,” it said. “More than I had cared to express to you in the short weeks we had together. Just know that I will be with you every step of the way. Miles can try to separate us, but I will find a way to be at your bed side as much as possible. Stay strong for us.”

I heard the click on the other end before the next voice mail sounded.

“Week two,”
Nate said. “You have met me every night in my dreams. It’s as if we are on the same wavelength or something despite different time zones. I suppose you being asleep all the time is a perk.” His laugh breathed into the mouthpiece as a smile stretched across my face. A few seconds passed before he ended with a quiver. “I love you.”

The machine turned to the third and fourth, and soon tears were
plummeting down my cheeks.

“Week eleven,”
Nate said. “I’m sitting beside you, stroking your hand. Every time I do, your heart monitor jolts into action. It’s adorable. You look so beautiful… raw… a diamond in the rough. I already regret saying that. I might have to hire someone to break into your apartment to erase this message.”

I started laughing through my tears, snorting into the next tissue.

“Bye, my love.” I heard the click before the machine moved on to the next message in line.

“Week seventeen,”
Nate said. “The days are long… very long. You would never guess, but it’s really hard to act out a sad scene when you are indeed sad yourself. I actually feel the feelings my character is… and… and I don’t like being scared. You’re doing so good, baby, I just miss you. I’m just thinking about all of the things I never told you, and right now, I wish I had. I can live with this vulnerability if you promise me you will give me a chance to say everything I never did. Until then, goodnight.”

The change in mood offset me. I could feel his pain through the tones in his voice. It was as if someone was hitting him in the gut with each word.
He was trying to sound strong for me despite being crippled with emotions.

“Week twenty-three,”
Nate said through light sobs. “I am so lonely. I feel like you are the only person I can tell that to without fearing being judged. I know to you, it may seem as if I have the whole world at my fingertips but, as cheesy as it sounds, the whole world isn’t complete if it’s missing you. I literally sit up thinking about you day and night. I think about what it would be like to kiss you, hold you, touch you, be with you. But I can’t, and I’m not. Not until next week. We will be filming in the city for the next two months. I’ll be holding my breath until then.”

My heart stopped in its tracks as I realized what week was coming up next on the recorder. It didn’t quell the stings of each palpitation as his voice pierced through the earpiece.

“What do you mean no?” Nate said, not even starting off the message with the week’s number. “Do you know how much this hurts right now? I’m holding your flowers in my car. I’m in the parking lot. I’m looking at you right now. You’re playing cards. I see… I see your face. You have to let me in. You can’t erase me. I won’t just disappear. If you need space, just let me know. I just can’t… I won’t be treated like I don’t exist. No one has ever done this to me before. My heart hurts.”

I lifted my hand to cover my mouth. I felt sick to m
y stomach.

“Week twenty-five,”
Nate said, clearing his throat. “And I feel so guilty. I shouldn’t have called you in that state of mind. I just wanted to let you know that I understand, and I am here for you. My door is open whenever, if ever, you feel you want to come in.”

My hands cradled my head while my sobs turned into deep convulsions.

“Week twenty six,” Nate said with the longest pause of all of the messages. “And I am still deeply in love with you.”

The click sounded as my heart twisted inside my chest. I didn’t listen to the frantic messages that followed from my friends. I rewound the player to start from the beginning of his recordings. I listened to them three times before grabbing my coat and running out of the front door.

Stepping out of my cab, I walked up the front steps and past the doorman. I ran down the hallway to the elevators, not even stopping as the women behind the counter asked me to get a guest pass. Soaring past floors, I tried to calm my nerves.

The doors opened and I turned down the hall in slow motion, each step rippling beneath my feet. I stood in front of the door trying to place my mind in the present. My hand rose and knocked three soft beats on the door while I sucked in air. I waited with bated breath as I heard ruffling from the other side making its way to the barrier that separated us.

My heart jumped
farther up my throat as I heard each one of his footsteps hit the hardwood floor of his suite. Everything around me had fallen away. My senses were so heightened that I could have heard a pin drop. I swore I could hear his breathing through the door – his light laughs as if he knew who was on the other side.

When it opened and I met those eyes with my own, I was lost for words. My mouth opened as we stared in unison at each other. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but none were daring enough to roll off. That is, until I saw another pair of eyes peer at mine from over his shoulder.

I backed up as my head tipped back in defense. My vision trailed the lengths of her size two body in the finest lingerie before meeting his guilty gaze with lifted brows and a stern frown. I recognized her face from the magazines that lined the stands.

“So, this is how you play your game,” I said before turning away down the hallway. “I can’t believe that I bought it.
Silly me for thinking two blocks away was convenient enough for you.”

“Moo-Moo,” he called, but it was too late. I had already picked my side and, even though it was a purely emotional decision with zero logic embedded in its core, I was ready to take my chances.

Life was too short to overthink the obvious. I had received all of the answers I had set out to get tonight. I was ready to slip back into living in the moment, and that didn’t involve the confinements or lies of The Plaza.

I stood outside on the sidewalk watching life pass me by. Tourists scurried past looking everywhere but down. Cabs honked their way through traffic jams. Couples held each other by the arm after a night out.
A man found shelter on a window ceil for the night.

I was upset but I refused to cry. I was tired of living in self-pity due to other people’s actions. This is precisely what led me to turn up the street several blocks to someone
else’s dwelling quarters. I felt as if I arrived at his doorway fully exposed. I was just hoping that when I looked in his eyes, they wouldn’t be as empty.

I let out a sigh when they were full of life. His arm swept the door open, revealing a
new polished physique. Bathed in the hotel’s lighting, I watched a spark ignite inside of his brain and hope flicker in his eyes. Just as I was, he was left speechless.

To alleviate the tension, I said the first that that came to my mind.

“I wore leggings,” I said.

Nate
broke out in a boisterous chuckle, as if he wasn’t expecting me to say something clever. In fact, it probably seemed as though I had been thinking of that line for weeks on end. The truth was I had thought of it on the spot because the only thing I could remember when I looked at him was the good times.

“I
,” Nate said, deep in thought. “I can’t remember anything that I wanted to say now. I’m just so happy.” Nate moved out of the doorway to usher me in. “Would you like to come in?”

“I
honestly can’t deal with this right now,” I said, growing tired with each passing minute. “It’s too emotionally grueling-”

“I understand,”
Nate said, looking to the floor. He was trying to hide his disappointment. That or trying to keep his eyes off of my new breasts, which had been surgically enhances to three times their original size. I still wasn’t completely comfortable with them, however the tight V-neck I was sporting suggested otherwise.

“
But I wanted to let you know that I got your messages, and I’m deeply sorry.”

That caught his attention. His eyes shot up to
my hand which was covering my heart, before rising to meet mine.

“You don’t have to,”
Nate said. His arms outstretched to wrap me in them. I stepped forward to accept and I remember feeling as if I was home once again. My heart calmed, my face became hot against his chest, and my mind was swept blank of negative thoughts.

Pulling away, I held his hands at arm’s length before saying my last words.

“When you think of the things that you have been waiting twenty-nine long weeks to tell me,” I said, stroking my thumbs across the top of his hands. “Call me and ask me out to dinner and dancing. Just like old times. Just like the first time.”

I saw a tear roll down his cheek before my lips met it and sucked it into my mouth.

“None of that,” I said. My finger met his lips before I turned to exit down the hallway.

As the elevator doors shut, it took me three floors to realize that my hands
were still clasped over my heart.

I spent the next few days trying to get comfortable in my new body. Despite holding it together when I saw Nate, I was very self-conscious with the way I looked. I knew that I looked different – there was no escaping that realization.

When I looked in the mirror, I saw my best attempt at a painted masterpiece. Every morning, I fixed my hairstyle before setting it in place on top of my head. I drew in my brows with a pencil and glued on fake eyelashes. I brushed life onto my face and neckline with bare
minerals and bronzer. I fought with every article of clothing I owned to create the perfect fit across my bust and around my waist.

However, the finishing touch was the hardest of them all to perfect - my smile.

Grabbing my bag and shoes, I bounded down the avenue to the gym. It had been months since I had gone, but everyone greeted me with open arms.

“We are so proud of you,” Michelle said. Her bright smile flashed in front of me as she led me past the personal training rooms to the dance floor that was my second home. “Everything should be here. If you need anything, let me know. I can close it down for you so that you are alone.”

“No need,” I said. I flashed her my smile – the one I had perfected in the mirror – as she left the room. After slipping on my shoes and turning on the music, I stood in the middle of the dance floor with my eyes closed, scared to take that first step.

After six months out of the game, I was bound to be out of touch with my inner goddess. I listened to the beat, but I didn’t feel the usual pull from inside of me to start moving.

Instead, I felt as if my body was gravitating to something larger outside of the room. It wasn’t on the dance floor. Opening my eyes, I peered into the room next to mine.

Inside of its confinements was a glistening build of perfection.
It wore nothing but compression shorts that gave justice to everything it needed to.

With each muscle tensing as weights were lifted in sets of reps,
I felt my body drain of worry. I recognized that frame. Each grunt that met my ears brought back memories of our last night together. Those sturdy legs bent softly as they had into my sheets. My eyes glided across his stomach, which tensed the same way it had when it was pressed against mine. His chest contracted into the mold I had remembered grasping between my hands as he had spilled inside of me.

The sound of weights hitting the floor snapped me back to reality as I watched his mass make its way over to where I stood. My breath had been taken from my lungs even though I had done everything but exert myself.

“Hey,” Nate grunted, wiping the sweat from his brow. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey,” I breathed. I felt a warmth build inside of me. His scent was intoxicating.
“D-dancing. Adam renewed my membership while I was gone.”

“Adam did, huh?”
Nate said, fixing the grips tied around his hands.

“Yes,” I managed.

“Well, you enjoy yourself,” Nate said. His eyes danced with mine for a brief moment before turning to walk back to his frustrated trainer.

“Wait,” I said. “That’s not fair.”

Nate stopped in his tracks before turning around.

“What’s not fair?”
Nate said.

“You leaving without letting me ask you questions,” I said after being put on the spot. The truth was I
was saying anything to make him stick around longer.

“No,”
Nate said, dismissing the idea. “What’s not fair is having to be across the hallway in compression shorts doing rep after rep while you prance around in the tightest clothing on Earth.”

My eyes crept down to his goods before my mind caught up to reprimand them.

“Ah,” I said, embarrassed. I felt the color creep to my face as Nate’s light laughs wafted to my ears. I drew in a deep breath to try and calm down. When it came out shaky, I grew more timid and turned away.

“Hey,”
Nate said softly. When he didn’t receive a response, he walked over to my side and brushed his hand down my back. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I nuzzled my head into his pecs and rocked back and forth for a few moments. His hand hovered in the air while he decided where he was allowed to put it. It settled on caressing the side of my shoulder, running soothing trails on along my nerves.

“It’s OK,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,”
Nate said. “I upset you.”

“
I just didn’t want it to be like this,” I said, pressing into him a little more. “I want things to be normal.”

“They are normal,”
Nate said. “Nothing has changed.”

“Now you are the one
lying,” I said, looking up at him. “I saw your hand. You didn’t know where you were allowed to touch me. I swore I could almost hear your brain cranking with reasons. Don’t touch her hair – its fake. Don’t touch her face – she spent hours on it. Don’t touch her side – too close to her-”

“OK,”
Nate said, cutting me off with a soft kiss to my hairline. “OK, you caught me.”

“I want to have those feelings,” I said. “I mean I still do. I’m just really self-conscious.”

As I finished my last word, I felt Nate’s body die a little inside. Those were the last words he wanted to hear escape my mouth. His hands drew me into him for a full embrace.

“I don’t want you to feel that way, at all,”
Nate said. His lips met my neckline and I melted in his arms. Taking in his scent which was now peppered across my outfit, I couldn’t help what I did next. Hidden from the rest of the world by his bulky arms, I licked the length of his breast and found out that he tasted just as good as he smelled. I felt Nate take in a deep, shaky breath as I hummed as if pleased. “I was trying to give you your space these past few days.”

“I appreciate that but, truly, I don’t need space right now,” I said closing my eyes to take in the music of his beating heart. “I had six months of space. And I was selfish that day.”

“You were no such thing,” Nate said. I lost myself in those words. It was one of the things I most admired about Nate – he never made me feel guilty for my actions despite how chilling they could be.

Our moment was interrupted by
Nate’s trainer as fast as it had begun. Breaking away, Nate planted one last kiss on my lips before turning away.

“I am on a strict schedule,”
Nate said. “But I will always find a way to fit you in. Such as dinner tonight at eight. I’ll pick you up.”

“OK,” I whispered before I watched him leave.

Everything he was saying was exactly what I wanted to hear, but the last thing I wanted to date was a liar. While he was the lesser of the two evils at the moment and had the ability to turn me on to the point of no return, there was no denying that I hadn’t forgotten the elephant in the room.

It was the reason I was still so reserved. If he had another woman whose God given body was still intact, I don’t think there was a way I could compete with that. And that scared me more than anyone could ever fathom.