Mara (29 page)

I left the baby carriage for a moment and climbed the two steps to the front door and rung the bell. Then I quickly returned to join Mara on the sidewalk.

I didn’t have to wait long for the door to open, and a smiling, middle aged woman wearing an apron appeared at the door.

For a moment she looked surprised to find nobody at the doorstep, but then she saw me and walked up to me with a friendly smile, her hand outstretched in greeting.

‘My name is Dina Crabbe, how do you do?’

I introduced myself and told her I was looking for a place to stay for the night.

‘Of course, of course. Here, let me help you first with the carriage.’

She pulled the suitcase off and disappeared into the house. She returned, and together we lifted the carriage up the little steps into the house.

‘I was just about to put dinner on the table, so if you’d care to join us first, we’ll have a look at your room after.’

I nodded, overwhelmed, and followed her into the cozy dining room where a table for six was prepared. Three of the seats were already taken by three children. They rose as one from their seats to shake my hand. My hostess nodded approvingly and the children sat down again.

‘Have a seat, ma’am. I’ll be right back.’

Not quite sure, I chose one of the chairs and pulled the carriage at an angle behind me. Then I sat down and folded my hands in my lap. I felt ill at ease, having disturbed this family as they were just about to have their dinner. The children were silent as well and I felt such relief when the woman returned. With a thump she heaved a heavy pan on the table and took her apron off before she sat down. I noticed that one of the seats was still empty, but the woman paid no attention to it and took the plate in front of me.

‘It’s nothing fancy, but it’s wholesome,’ she said, before she returned the plate to me. There was a steaming lump of food in front of me that looked nothing like the food I’d been eating the last number of months. In fact, it reminded me of the food my mother made, so for a few moments I stared at it in silence. In the meantime the woman filled the children’s plates and finally she helped herself.

I still sat staring at my food when the children already started to eat. The woman put a spoonful in her mouth as well, then suddenly looked at me and put her spoon down.

‘Quiet children. Our guest would first like to say grace before her meal I think, don’t you?’

She looked at me inquiringly and I realized that she had mistaken my hesitation for a need to pray. The children now stared at me too and I felt my face flush red. I quickly bowed my head and closed my eyes. What a hypocrite I was.

I don’t know why, but for some reason the mealtime prayer that I used to say as a child came back to me, and when I opened my eyes I realized that I had actually prayed.

Somewhat confused I started to eat and I answered my hostess’s questions without really thinking. I didn’t taste anything of the food. Halfway through dinner the doorbell rang and Mrs. Crabbe returned with the man from the train station.

‘I kept wondering to myself if you had been able to find it all right and I just wanted to make sure,’ he said. In his hands he held a cap, and he crunched it up into a small wad and then unfolded it again. It reminded me of Reijer.

‘I’m glad to see you’re enjoying your dinner.’

‘My brother is like a walking advertisement for me,’ Mrs. Crabbe said while she pulled back the chair with the empty plate in front of it and the man sat down.

‘Are you joining us for dinner?’

‘No, thank you, the Missus is expecting me.’

I listened in silence to their conversation, and suddenly and idea came to me. I felt very forward when I opened my mouth, but I asked my question anyway.

‘Sir, tomorrow I need to cross the Westerschelde. Do you know of anyone I could sail with?’

He was quiet and thoughtfully rubbed a finger over his nose.

‘I might know of someone…’ Again his finger rubbed back and forth. ‘What time did you want to sail?’

I shrugged my shoulders and said: ‘It doesn’t matter to me, any time will do.’

‘I think that for a fee you’ll be able to sail with Piet Kannegieter.’

I saw Mrs. Crabbe nod her head enthusiastically at the mention of that name and I looked questioningly from her back to her brother.

‘He’s going through some tough times now, but if you’re willing to pay him…?’

In my mind I calculated how much money was left of the money my aunt had given me, and I knew there must be plenty left. Despite my protests, she had given me a whole purse full.

‘Of course I’ll pay him.’

‘In that case I’ll talk to him tonight.’

‘That would be wonderful, sir.’

‘You let me know what time you’d like to go and I’ll arrange things with Piet.’

I could hardly believe how easily things were arranged. These folk were so kind, so I gratefully accepted their help. It was arranged that tomorrow morning at seven o’clock I would depart from the harbour.

After dinner the woman showed me to my room. It was a tidy room and I felt so blessed to have met the man at the station and that he had sent me here.

I withdrew for the night with Mara and went to bed early. Despite all the excitement of the day I fell asleep quickly, all my worries for the coming day disappeared into the background and I had a peaceful and restful night.

32

I
n the morning, Mrs. Crabbe woke me up and when I came downstairs she had breakfast prepared for me. I tried to eat some of it, but I felt my stomach protest with the tension I felt. Today I would return to the manse.

‘Come child, eat some more,’ Mrs. Crabbe said.

‘It’s delicious, really.’ My words weren’t convincing and I knew my hostess could tell.

‘I don’t want to put my nose where it doesn’t belong, but if you ask me, a young mother ought to take good care of herself. But you know what, I’ll wrap up a few sandwiches for you, for along the way. I’m sure your appetite will return when you’re on the water.’

‘Thank you very much.’

It struck me that Mrs. Crabbe no longer addressed me with ‘ma’am’, but I felt more comfortable now that she treated me as what I was, a girl, with a child.

‘If you like, you can use the kitchen to wash the bottle and prepare a new supply of milk.’

‘Thank you.’

I pushed my chair back and followed my hostess to the kitchen where I quickly washed everything and warmed up fresh milk for the thermos. I also prepared a bottle for Mara so I could feed her. I was finished soon and just as I came down with my suitcase, the door opened up and Mrs. Crabbe’s brother entered.

‘Are you ready?’

‘Yes, I just have to bring the baby carriage outside.’

‘Let me do that for you.’

While he brought my belongings outside, I settled my bill with Mrs. Crabbe and said farewell to her. She hugged me as if we were old friends and before I could say a word she bent over Mara to give her a kiss.

‘A beautiful girl you have. Enjoy her. They grow up so quickly.’

I nodded and followed her to the door, the baby carriage stood ready with my suitcase on top. I decided to keep Mara in the wrap and I stepped onto the sidewalk.

The crossing was uneventful. Piet Kannegieter was a friendly and talkative man. He chatted to me about this, that and the other thing. I found out that he, like so many others these days, had lost his job last week, and that he now took on any little job to earn some cash. His two sons, who had always worked with him on the boat, had left for the city in the hope to find work there, but he himself was too old to try that.

I felt sorry for him, and when we docked I made him a proposition.

‘If you’ve got time and are willing to wait for me, I’ll pay you three times the fare.’

He shook his head and scratched his head underneath his cap.

‘I can’t accept that, ma’am.’

‘How else will I be able to return?’

‘Aren’t you planning on staying here then?’

‘No, I hope to be done here in an hour or so.’

He thought for a minute, then nodded.

‘All right, but I can’t accept the amount you’re offering. Let’s make it double the fare.’

‘That’s good.’

I held out my hand to him and he gave it a firm shake. I still meant to pay him the amount I first offered anyway. I had no need for the money and would gladly let him have it.

‘Would you mind if I left my luggage on board?’

‘Not at all. I’ll wait here, and as soon as you’ve returned, we’ll depart.’

‘Thank you.’

It was time for me to step off my floating little island. Piet Kannegieter quickly jumped down on the quay and held out his hand for me. Gratefully I accepted his help. From now on I’d be on my own. No, not entirely. I looked down at Mara’s face and she stared up at me from inside the wrap. Mother’s grandchild.

Slowly I started to walk. At this time of day there wasn’t much activity in the harbor, and the few men I saw were so engrossed in their work, they paid no attention to me. It was the beginning of a new and warm spring day, but despite the warm temperature it was cloudy and I half expected it to rain yet. I wished it would start pouring with rain right then and there so the chances of running into familiar faces would be that much smaller.

One more time I checked my skirt’s pocket. The envelope was still there, safe and dry. Before I left this morning I had quickly put a pencil in my pocket as well. I still wasn’t sure if I had said everything I needed to say in the letter and I was still in doubt over some of the words and phrases I had used. Not that I could do much about it anymore at this point in time.

There wasn’t a soul in sight in Harbor Street, but I knew it was very likely that I would run into someone I knew. In order to reach the manse, I had to walk through Hooghe Breet Street, the main street where most of the shops in town were located. People would see me and recognize me. Of course I had known all the time that this moment would come, but now that it truly was here I felt strong waves of doubt come over me. I looked back over my shoulder at the boat that had just brought me here. I couldn’t see Piet Kannegieter, but I knew he was around and I only needed to walk back if I wanted to disappear. Nobody had seen me and nobody would miss me.

I looked ahead of me again and gasped a startled breath when I almost bumped into someone. I caught myself just in time, then we both stood still.

‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.’ I first checked up on Mara, then I looked up at the woman.

Helène.

Memories flashed through my head and formed a terrible tale of judgment and rejection. I shivered as I realized how similar our lives now were. Deep within I knew what the future had in store for me, and now I looked that future in the eye.

She looked back at me and blinked a few times.

‘I am truly sorry,’ I said and I put my hand on the sleeve of her coat. Did she understand that I meant more than just my inattentiveness? Should I explain? I stood with my mouth half open and couldn’t find the words, and the silence hung between us like an invisible web that connected us but also separated us. Then, with a jerk, she pulled her arm free and my hand fell.

‘Don’t you think you should go and walk on the other side of the street?’ she sneered at me.

I lowered my head with shame and shook ‘no’. When I raised my head I no longer wanted to be a coward.

‘No, I’m going to keep walking on this side. And I offer you my apologies. For everything.’ The last two words came out in a soft whisper, but I knew she had heard me.

She looked at me thoughtfully and then her eyes glanced down at Mara. Her face softened.

‘Once I was just like you, pastor’s daughter.’

She gently stroked Mara’s head. Then she slipped away without another word.

Silent and numb I stood still. Her words echoed in my head. I closed my eyes and remembered the first time we had met. Mother had frightened me and pulled me along. I had obeyed Mother despite the fact that the woman had been kind to me that day on the market. I had let myself be frightened and taken in by tales about fallen women and bastards. Obediently I had avoided Helène at every occasion. I had even, with some other children, thrown chestnuts at her and her little son.

I looked into Mara’s innocent face and thought of Helène’s poor son whom I had always hated for no reason. Was this the kind of life that lay ahead for my child? Would her mother’s shame brand her for the rest of her life?

I looked at my daughter and saw her open up her eyes. She smiled, blinked and stretched her arms and legs. She was a beautiful child. Many people during my journey had assured me of it and I could see it for myself. There was no reason for me to feel embarrassed for her, nor was there any reason for her to feel ashamed of me. I pulled her up out of the wrap, then folded the cloth around her. Holding Mara close to me, against my shoulder, clearly visible for all to see, I continued walking with determination. I walked faster and faster, and my feet automatically found their way to the manse. I took the corner into Hooghe Breet Street. I started to get out of breath and I could feel sweat trickling down my back. It wasn’t far to the manse now, but I knew it was impossible to pass through unnoticed. Someone would recognize me and they would immediatley see Mara too, and in the next instant they would condemn us both.

I closed my eyes for several moments, but kept walking, hoping that I wouldn’t run into anyone, that I would be invisible. My hope was dashed very soon when I heard footsteps approaching. I kept focussing on Mara, still hoping I could go on undisturbed, but even before I heard a voice speak, I heard an oh, so familiar cough, and I knew who was standing there in front of me.

‘Is it really you, Maria?’ Her exaggerated squeal of surprise seemed to echo through the street and I wished for the ground to open up and swallow me, but there was nothing for it, I had to face her.

‘Good day, Mrs. Kleut.’ I looked straight at her, determined to remain dignified, and I noticed how her steelly blue eyes started to gleam with indignation. She openend her mouth to speak, but she remained speechless with her mouth hanging open like that of a fish gasping for air on land.