Marie Sexton - Between Sinners And Saints (24 page)

For the second time that night, Jaime lost himself in sensation. He lost track of everything else—every rational thought, every irrational fear. There was only Levi underneath him, his lips soft and his mouth sweet, and Levi’s hand touching him, stroking him, teasing him, making him feel better than he’d ever felt. And even when he felt Levi’s other hand brush over his cheek, even when that hand moved to the back of his neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss, Jaime didn’t mind. He gave every piece of himself into Levi’s gentle hands until the world exploded around him, and all he could do was cry.

Levi wasn’t surprised when Jaime started to cry, and he didn’t mind. It wasn’t because Jaime was upset or scared. It was much like his orgasm: a simple matter of release. A lot had changed for him in one day. A lifetime of fears and sexual hang-ups were crashing down around him and Levi understood why he was so overwhelmed.

He wasn’t sure if Jaime would be comforted by his touch or not, but when he hesitantly wrapped his arms around him, Jaime melted against him, clinging to him. Levi held him close, stroking his back, his arms and his soft red curls, until Jaime sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Jaime laughed, his face still buried in Levi’s neck. “I don’t think this qualifies as ‘doing fine.’ I don’t know much about sex, but I know crying after every time isn’t exactly normal.”

“Honey, there is no ‘normal.’ And ‘every time’ has only been twice. Give yourself some time.”
“I’m not sure it will help.”
Levi couldn’t help but laugh. “It will. I think today, for the first time ever, you let your body lead instead of your brain. That’s something most guys do frequently. Some of us even make a habit of it. But it’s new for you.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“It means once your brain catches up with the rest of you, you’ll figure it out. I promise.” He smacked Jaime’s flank playfully. “Come on. We better clean up before this mess dries. I don’t think you want to be stuck this way all night.”
He was relieved to hear Jaime laugh. They got up and washed off, then he followed Jaime back into bed. Jaime curled up on his side of the bed, like he always did, with Dolly on his other side. Levi watched him, wondering if Jaime would allow him to hold him as they fell asleep.
Jaime must have been able to see it in his eyes because before Levi could formulate the question, Jaime smiled sleepily and said, “Yes.”
Levi pulled him close, nudging him over onto his other side, so he was facing away. He wrapped his arms around him, pulling him tight against him—
“No,” Jaime said, sitting up and pushing him away.
Had he misunderstood? Levi tried not to be heartbroken. He tried to hide his disappointment. “I’m sorry,” he said, moving away again. “I didn’t mean—”
“I know,” Jaime said, putting his hand on Levi’s arm to stop him from moving farther away. He lay back down next to him. He turned and did to Levi what Levi had done to him: he pushed him onto his other side, then Jaime cuddled against his back. Jaime’s arms wrapped around him and his lips brushed the back of Levi’s neck, making him shiver. “Not behind me,” Jaime said. “Anything else, I think I can handle. But not from behind me quite yet.”
Levi felt both relieved and ashamed—relieved he wouldn’t have to continue to keep his distance, but ashamed he hadn’t thought to ask Jaime first. He took Jaime’s hand and kissed his fingers. “You have to tell me when I screw up,” he said, “because I will. I won’t mean to. But I will. Like just now.”
“It’s okay,” Jaime said, his voice heavy with exhaustion. “I can’t expect you to know what will set me off. I don’t know myself half the time.”
“It’s not just that.” He had to stop and think about how to make it clear. “I’ve wanted this for so long, Jaime. I’ve wanted
you
for so long. I’ll try to be patient. I’ll try not to rush you. But you may need to slap me from time to time.”
“Do you want me to slap you now?” Jaime mumbled.
“No.”
“Then shut up and let me sleep.”

Levi woke to pitiful whimpering. He opened his eyes and jumped about a foot. Dolly’s doggy face was less than an inch away.

“What the
fuck
, girl?” he whispered.
She whimpered again in response.
Levi pushed her head out of the way and checked the clock. It was seven-thirty. Behind him, he could hear Jaime’s soft breathing. With the exception of the morning after Jaime’s one and only drinking binge, Levi had never known him to sleep past seven. He rarely slept past six. It was no wonder Dolly was whimpering. Her little doggy bladder was probably about to burst.

“Come on, Dolly,” he said as he climbed out of bed. “I’ll take you.”
Jaime was still asleep when he got back. Levi kicked his shoes off and climbed back under the covers. He knew he couldn’t let Jaime sleep any longer, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t make the most of waking him up. Jaime didn’t stir when he kissed his forehead or his eyes. He slid his hand down Jaime’s side as he kissed his cheek. His lips moved to Jaime’s neck. He wanted to reach down and cup Jaime’s soft ass in his hand, but he was afraid of pushing too far while Jaime slept, so he stroked his side and his back, kissing his neck, until Jaime stirred.
“Shh,” Levi soothed, as Jaime went tense against him. “I won’t hurt you.” He continued to kiss Jaime’s neck until Jaime sighed and relaxed against him. “How are you?”
Jaime sighed again. “I feel good.”
Levi pulled him tighter against him, kissing his neck more, and felt Jaime’s arms steal around his neck. “I feel really,
really
good.”
“Yes, you do,” Levi agreed, reaching down to grip Jaime’s ass. Jaime laughed, and Levi knew by the way he did it that he was blushing. “Dolly’s had her walk already.”
“Really? What time is it?”
“Almost eight.”
Jaime moaned. “Shit! I have to go.”
“Are you
sure
you don’t want to call in sick? Because I’d love to keep you here in this bed all day.”
Jaime laughed nervously. “I’m sure.”
“Can I shower with you before you go?”
“No.”
Levi moved his hand from Jaime’s ass to the tempting package in front. “Can I do anything else for you before you go?”
“No,” Jaime said, but he was laughing.
“You’re coming over tonight, right?”
Despite Jaime’s words to the contrary, he was responding readily to Levi’s touch. “Yes.” He sighed, pushing against Levi’s hand.
Levi moved down to tease Jaime’s nipple with his tongue. “You positive about the shower?” he asked as he stroked Jaime’s growing erection through his boxers.
“Mmmm,” was all Jaime managed to say.
“Okay,” Levi said, releasing him and standing up. “Guess you better get going.”
Jaime moaned. His face was flushed, his eyes pleading. His erection made a tantalizing bulge in the front of his shorts. “Now who’s being sadistic?”
It was tempting to give in, but he knew Jaime would regret it afterward. He hated running late.
“I’ll make it up to you tonight,” Levi said. He was looking forward to it already.

Jaime left ten minutes later, which left Levi with more than an hour before he had to be at work. Christmas was less than two weeks away. They’d planned to spend it with Levi’s family, but now he and Jaime were apparently past the “just friends” stage, he was worried about how his relatives would respond. He debated not telling them, but not for long. He didn’t want to lie to them. So he took a deep breath and called his mom.

“Hi, honey,” she said, sounding happy to hear from his as she always did. “I hope you’re not calling to cancel Christmas, too!”
“Who’s canceling Christmas?”
She exhaled. “I shouldn’t say it that way. It’s a terrible thing, actually. You know this year was supposed to be our family’s turn.” Several of his siblings did every other year with their parents and opposite years with their in-laws. They always made sure their years home coincided. “Well, Kristine’s mother’s cancer is back and the prognosis isn’t good. So she and Isaac decided to spend Christmas with her family this year since…” Since it might be her last, but she didn’t say that part.
“And I don’t blame them one bit, of course. It was the right decision. But then Caleb and Rachel started talking, and they decided it would be easier to switch years for everybody, rather than being a year off from Isaac. Plus Rachel’s so close to her due date, she isn’t sure she wants to be away from home, so they won’t be here either.”
The nice thing was, without the entire family present, there would be no Binder confab. It was possible he’d be able to go the entire visit without having to debate the sins of his “lifestyle.” “What about Ruth and Jacob?”
“They’re still coming as far as I know. You’re coming, right? You and Jaime?”
“Well, Mom, I need to talk to you about that.”
“You’re not coming!”
“I didn’t say we weren’t coming. Jaime and I were planning on it—”
“I’m so glad!”
“Mom, stop interrupting me. I need to tell you something.” “What is it, honey? Is everything okay?”
“It is.” He found himself smiling from ear to ear. “It’s great, actually, but I thought I should tell you things are different now. With Jaime.”
There was a stunned silence, then she said, “I see.”
“I didn’t want to lie to you, Mom.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Is this going to be a problem?”
“I don’t know, honey.” She sighed. “I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me is so disappointed because now I know there’s no hope of you turning away from this path. But Ruth told me this might happen. She said I should be happy for you.”
He could hear the tears in her voice. She wasn’t crying hard, but she was crying nonetheless.
“And I don’t know how I feel about having it happen in my house. And in front of the children!”
“We won’t be doing anything in front of the kids, Mom! We’re not perverts.”
“I know, Levi. I didn’t mean it that way. But kids are smart. They’re bound to figure it out, and I don’t know how everybody will feel about having to explain how Jaime fits in. And who knows what could happen by next year—”
“Mom, this isn’t a fling. I love him. And if things go my way, this is going to be a permanent arrangement, so please don’t assume you can ignore this problem and have it go away.”
She sighed again. “I know, honey. Ruth told me that, too.”
“I have to tell you,” he said, half-joking but half not, “if we don’t get to come, it’s going to break Jaime’s heart. He loves our family, and we all know he fits in better than I do.”
He was happy to hear her laugh a little. “He’s a nice boy, Levi. I don’t want to say no, but I think I should talk to your father about it first.”
“I figured you would.”

Despite his conversation with his mom, he was in a ridiculously good mood all day. He knew he was grinning foolishly at everybody, and Candy rolled her eyes at him at least a dozen times, but he didn’t care. Everything made him think of Jaime, and every reminder made him smile. He couldn’t remember ever being so happy, and looking back on his time in Miami, he marveled he had ever thought he was. It wasn’t as if things had been
bad.
He’d certainly had fun over the years. But it was a dim, empty kind of happiness compared to the sheer giddiness filling him now. He felt bright and buoyant and absolutely complete. And standing there at a golf course bar, pouring drinks for happy, flirty housewives, he vowed to God and to himself that he was never going back.

Jaime was already in his kitchen when he got home, making himself the same dinner he ate at least every other night—a salad and a chicken patty sandwich. Levi resisted the urge to push against him from behind and approached him from the side instead.

“How was your day?” he asked as he kissed Jaime’s neck. He was stupidly happy when Jaime tilted his head away to give him better access.

It took Levi a second to connect those words to the state he’d left Jaime in that morning, but when he did, he laughed. He turned them so they were face to face, with Jaime leaning against the counter. “I did say I’d make it up to you,” he said, as he undid Jaime’s pants.

“You didn’t mean what?” Levi teased as he pushed Jaime’s pants out of the way and let his fingers explore bare flesh.
“Mmm…” was all Jaime managed.
Levi couldn’t help but smile. He wrapped his other arm around Jaime’s waist and kissed him as his right hand began to move, and Jaime practically melted in his arms. He didn’t touch Levi back. He hung onto the counter behind him and let Levi drive. And Levi loved it. He liked to watch Jaime’s face. His eyes were closed, and Levi found his pale eyelids beautiful. His head was back and his soft lips barely parted. As Levi kissed him, held him and stroked him, Jaime made the sweetest sounds, low moans and soft whimpers, and Levi thought he could go on hearing those sounds forever and never tire of them.
It wasn’t long at all before Jaime spent himself all over Levi’s hand and onto the kitchen floor, and the thing Levi loved the most was how Jaime looked down at the mess he’d made and blushed ten shades of red. He knew someday Jaime would stop being embarrassed by his own pleasure, but Levi found it endearing while it lasted.
“I’m sorry,” Jaime said.
“I’m not,” Levi assured him as he grabbed the paper towels and bent to wipe it up. He looked up at Jaime. “That’s exactly what I intended to happen,” he said with a wink, and was childishly pleased when Jaime blushed even more.
His phone rang as he finished. He wasn’t surprised to see it was his mother calling. He left Jaime in the kitchen and took his phone into the living room to answer it.
“I talked to your father, and we made a decision.”
He could tell by her voice she expected him not to like it. “Go on.”
“Levi, I hope you understand we’re trying to compromise here.”
“Quit being defensive and tell me.”
“We’d like you both to come, but only if you agree to sleep in separate rooms. And we expect you to be absolutely discreet in front of the children.”
The latter part, of course, was easy. The first part, which he knew she expected to be the sticking point, was to be expected. And yet, he still felt himself bristle at it. “We have to sleep in separate rooms because we’re gay? Or because we’re not married?”
“Both. Caleb and Kirsten were together for more than a year before they got married, and your father didn’t let them sleep together either.” That part was true. Caleb was the only one of his siblings who’d openly been sexually active before his marriage, and their father hadn’t approved of his and Kirsten’s sexual relationship any more than he would approve of Levi’s relationship with Jaime.
“What happens if and when we get married, Mom? Are you going to make us sleep in separate rooms then, too?”
She sighed in exasperation. “I don’t know, Levi. This isn’t easy for us. It’s especially not easy for your father. I’m doing my best to help you here. Is it too much to ask for us to take these things one step at a time?”
It annoyed him, and his first instinct was to dig in his heels and tell her their conditions were unacceptable, then he thought about Jaime. Jaime had been looking forward to Christmas ever since Thanksgiving. He’d be heartbroken if they had to miss it. He thought about how depressing Christmas morning would be, just the two of them and Dolly in his tiny apartment. He didn’t even have a Christmas tree. Sure, he could get one, and they could decorate it together. But he could imagine all too clearly the false joy he’d see in Jaime’s eyes as they did it, and the way he’d try to pretend it was all right. Levi knew seeing it would break his heart.
Would it really be so bad to grant his parents this one thing, for this visit at least? Because whether he liked it or not, Levi recognized his father was, in his own mind at least, making a huge concession by allowing Jaime to come at all. And for the first time ever, his mother seemed to be on his side, instead of against him. He knew he had Ruth to thank for that. Maybe Caleb, too. His family was starting to come around. It was happening much more slowly than he would have liked, but he had to admit they’d come farther in the past few months than he ever would have expected.
It was only one visit. They could tackle the rest later. He worried what would happen if Jaime’s nightmares came back, but for now, it seemed there was nothing to be gained by arguing.
“I guess it’s fine,” he said.
She sighed again, this time with obvious relief. “Thank you, honey.”
“I still don’t like it.”
“I knew you wouldn’t, but let’s take baby step for now, okay?”
“For now,” he agreed. “Thanks for letting me know, Mom. We’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Levi, wait.”
“Yes?”
It took her a second to ask her question. “I’m only going to ask this once, Levi, but I want you to think about your answer: are you
sure
this is the right choice?”
There wasn’t a doubt in his mind. “I’m positive, Mom,” he told her. “I think it was meant to be.”