Marie Sexton - Coda 05 - Paris A to Z (15 page)

“Im not good enough for you. Never have been.”
“Of course you are.”
“Im not. Ive always known it. From day one. I been a bitch to live with. And I kept you at arms length for a long time now.”
“Not so much anymore,” I said. “And I always understood.”
“Its not fair to you, Zach,” he said, looking down at the floor. “And its gotta end.”
End?
My heart started to pound. “What do you mean?”
“Its time I quit pretendin.”
I was glad I was already sitting down because my legs couldnt have held me at that moment. All the doubts Id had about what hed been doing online came crashing down on me, drowning me, making it impossible for me to breathe. “Angelo,” I said, my voice hoarse, “youre scaring the hell out of me.”
“I gotta quit puttin you through it at all,” he said.
My hands were shaking, and I could barely make my voice work. “Youre leaving me?” I finally asked, although I was terrified of hearing the answer.
His head jerked up, and his eyes were wide and full of surprise. “
No!
”
In the blink of an eye, the wave receded, and I could breathe again. I took a deep gasping breath of air and willed my heart to stop pounding.
“Why would you even
think
that, Zach?” he asked.
“You said it had to end,” I said, practically laughing with relief.
“I didnt mean
us
!”
“Jesus, Ang, you just about gave me a heart attack!” He was looking at me with obvious concern. I waved my hand at him. “Go on. Im sure the panic will subside in a minute.” I was trying to joke, but it came out flat. He still looked confused, and it took him a second to start talking again.
“Well,” he finally said, “I guess what Im sayin is, I been worried since Vegas that Im not the guy you deserve—”
“Angelo, you
are
—”

“Zach!” he snapped. “Let me finish!”
It took a ridiculous amount of effort to not protest, but I took a deep breath and managed to say instead, “Im sorry. Go on.”
His annoyance at my interruption melted away, and he was left looking shy and uncertain once again. “I guess what Im tryin to tell you is, I see now the only way to quit wonderin when youll meet the guy you deserve is for me to start
bein’
the guy you deserve.”
“You already
are
the guy I deserve.”
“No, Zach,” he said, shaking his head. “Im just the guy you love.”
I didnt really understand what he was getting at, but I didnt care. I was still so relieved to know he wasnt leaving me, the rest of it didnt matter. I went to him and took his face in my hands. I had to brush his hair out of his eyes so I could look into them. “Youre right about that at least: you are the guy I love.”
“When we get home, Im gonna start bein both.”
“I hope you know you dont need to change
anything
for me.”
I could feel him trembling, and his voice was shaky when he asked, “What if I want to change something for me?”
“Then Ill help you any way I can.”
“I know you been wonderin what Im lookin at online.”
Just when I thought I was following him, he had to go and change the subject again. It surprised me, as it always did. “I have been curious.”
“I been afraid youd laugh at me.”
“Ill try not to.”
It took him a second, and a deep breath to gather his courage. And then he said, “I wanna go back to school.”
I almost
did
laugh, but not for the reason he probably expected. After everything that had gone through my head—all my fears that he had met somebody else, or was looking for a new job or his own place to live—to find out now that it was something as innocuous as wanting to finish his education was an enormous relief.
“Why didnt you tell me, Ang?”
“Cause once I told you, Id have to start. And if I didnt ever start, I couldnt fail.”
It was so simple. And yet, how many people could have admitted that fact so honestly to themselves even, let alone to somebody else? It was an impressive amount of insight for him to have, and I was struck once again by how intelligent he really was. He lacked confidence because of his past, and he covered that up with bravado. But underneath it all, he was smart. Probably smarter than any of the rest of us. “You wont fail,” I said. “Not if its something you want.”
“I can go to Front Range in Longmont to get my GED. Theres a seminar to get ready, and then I have to take the test there. But after that, I can do a bunch online.”
“Thats good.”
“But if that works out, Zach….” And here he hesitated again, his cheeks turning red. “I wanna go to a real school.”
“Like CU?”
He shrank in on himself a bit at that. “Not that big,” he said. “I was thinkin maybe UNC in Greeley.”
“You want us to move to Greeley?”
He looked more unsure of himself now. “Maybe.”
I wasnt sure how I felt about that—Id never been impressed with the place myself—but I hadnt been there in more than ten years. Like most of the cities along the Front Range, it had grown and changed a lot in that time. And besides, what Angelo was talking about was still two or three years away. My gut told me that was about as long as we could expect the video store in Coda to last anyway. We had plenty of time to formulate a plan.
“What do you want to study at UNC?”
“I dont know,” he said, shrugging. “Its not like I want to go be an accountant like Jon or anything. I just….” He stopped, looking embarrassed again. “I just want to learn more.”
“Theres nothing wrong with that,” I assured him, and he looked relieved. “You still havent told me what happened with Jon.”
“I been thinkin bout goin back to school for a while. But I wasnt sure I could do it, and I was scared to try. So today, we were at the church. Cole and me. And I was standin in the jewel box. And it was like… an epiphany, I guess. Cause I knew in that moment I could do it, Zach. And I was so excited, and I wanted to tell you, but you werent there. So I told Cole.” He stopped short, looking worried. “You mad?”
“Why would I be?”
“Cause I told Cole before I told you.”
“Im not mad,” I assured him. Yes, he had told Cole first, but not because he trusted Cole more. It had only been because Cole had been there with him and I hadnt. “But Im still confused what it has to do with Jon.”
“Well, when we got back, Cole mustve talked to him. Jons his accountant, you know.” I didnt know that, but it made sense. “And Jon came to me. He said Cole told him he wanted to pay for me to go back to school. He told Jon to set up an account for me.”
“Holy shit!”
“I told him no.”
“
Holy shit!
”
“And Jon said he understood why I didnt want to take Coles money, even though he said Cole could afford to send me to college ten times over and not blink an eye. But he said he could set it up as a loan, and I could pay Cole back. He said hed even charge me interest if itd make me feel better.”
“Thats incredible!”
“Still not sure I want it, Zach,” he said. “Seems wrong to take it, even as a loan.” Turning the money down did seem like the honorable thing to do. I wasnt sure I could have been so honorable in his place. “Jon said there were other loans, too, and hed help me with the applications. He told me to think about it and call him when Im ready.”
“Thats great.”
“Not sure yet if I want to try to do it by myself, or if thats just stupid.”
“One step at a time,” I told him. “We can take care of the community college. That gives us a couple of years to decide about the rest.” I pulled him close again and kissed the top of his head. “Well work it out,” I said.
That was obviously what he needed to hear. His eyes were bright and clear, and he smiled up at me with obvious relief. “I love you,” he said.
I knew how he felt about me, but it was still a rare thing for him to be able to say the words. And this time he sounded more sure saying them than he ever had before. “You are my north,” I said, and he laughed.
“Zach?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
He sure as hell didnt have to tell me twice.

T
HE
next day we went to the Louvre. Angelo was unbelievably excited. He had a list of things he wanted to see. I figured Id be lucky to be able to keep up.

The place was completely insane. It was far bigger than any museum had a right to be. The first thing we did was make sure everybody had everybody elses cell phone numbers because there was no way wed be able to stay together. Then we picked one of the cafés as a meeting point. And then we started.

Matt, Jared, and George went one way. Cole was, of course, leading Angelo by the hand to see
something
(I didnt know what), and I found, to my complete dismay, that I was left with Jonathan.

The two of us walked in an awkward silence, trailing behind Angelo and Cole. They moved quickly, never staying long at any one piece. They were both beautiful, although in very different ways, and they obviously enjoyed being together. Angelo looked back at me occasionally, and I saw flirtatious looks between Jon and Cole, but they didnt feel inclined to slow down for us, and neither Jon nor I seemed quite as excited about the art anyway.

“Theyre a lot alike, arent they?” Jon said at last, breaking the silence between us.
Id been thinking the exact same thing. “They are.”
“And yet,” Jon said with confusion, “nothing alike at all.” And, of course, I knew what he meant. Angelo wasnt at all flamboyant or feminine, as Cole was. And I was pretty sure Cole had never in his life owned a pair of combat boots.
“Jared said Coles dad is dead, and he and his mom dont get along?”
“She barely even acknowledges him.”
“Because hes gay?”
He shook his head. “No. Because shes a selfish bitch. He invited her to the wedding, of course. If he was having a huge event, where she could be
seen
, shed probably come. But not for anything this low-key. She claimed she was busy. Too busy to see her only son get married.” He glanced over at me. “I havent even met her yet,” he said, “but Im not sure I can be gracious when I do.”
“Angelos never known his dad,” I told him. “He left before he was born. His mom left, too, when he was little. He grew up in foster homes.” I wondered briefly if I should be telling him these things, but it helped explain why Angelo and Cole seemed to be kindred spirits, and it helped keep my mind off of other things. “She just got back in touch with him again a couple of years ago. He tries to keep an open mind, but he hasnt really forgiven her yet.” Lizzy had invited Neta to Christmas the year before without telling Angelo. Shed probably envisioned tearful forgiveness in front of the tree on Christmas morning. It hadnt happened. Although Angelo had handled the incident better than I might have expected, it was quite clear he wasnt ready to let twenty years of abandonment go. And it sure hadnt endeared Lizzy to him any either.
Jon looked ahead to where Cole and Angelo stood side by side, their heads tipped together as they discussed the painting they stood in front of. “Do you find it strange that weve ended up with men who are so much alike?” Jon asked, looking over at me. It was something that had occurred to me, too, but I was surprised he would say anything. It was a question