Mark McGuinness - Resilience: Facing Down Rejection (20 page)

This little game has shown you how success looks to you
now
. Your current image of success is partly of your own making and partly inherited from your parents, family, friends, and popular culture.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have an image of success that you find attractive and motivating—in which case, feel free to move on to the next chapter. But if you have any doubts or hesitations, it’s time to change your mind. Time to stop seeing success in the same old way, and start
imagining
it in a new way.

For a long time, I struggled with two conflicting images of success: on the one hand, as a poet, I aspired to artistic success and saw business as evil; while on the other, I hated the idea of getting a ‘proper’ job, so as a freelancer I wanted a successful business. It was hard for me to focus on writing poetry when I was stressed about money; but when I tried to focus on building up the business, it felt like selling out, so I ended up sabotaging myself. It was a great recipe for misery, and it was my staple diet for years.

Fortunately Shakespeare came to the rescue.

Once I looked beyond the stereotype of the Romantic poet, it struck me as slightly odd that the man who wrote the greatest poetry in English was also a highly successful entrepreneur. As a shareholder in one of London’s leading theater companies, Shakespeare wrote popular entertainment for money, in one of the dodgiest neighborhoods of the city. As well as building his theater business, he was a property speculator and money-lender, earning enough to not only live well in the capital but also buy the biggest house in his home town of Stratford-upon-Avon. And in the midst of all this, he wrote his mind-blowing poetry.

Shakespeare gave me a new image of success, by showing me that it’s possible to combine creative and commercial achievement. Whenever I feel the old conflict between the two, I ask myself, “What would Shakespeare do?” I usually get the feeling he would shrug his shoulders and get on with it—whether ‘it’ was a poetic problem or a business challenge—and wonder what all the fuss was about.

Your next steps:

1. If you’re struggling to think of success in a positive light, take a piece of paper and write all the answers you can think of to the question: ‘What’s wrong with success?’

2. Now think of someone you admire who achieved success in the field(s) you are working in.

What makes them a success in your eyes?

How did
they
see success? (If you’re not sure, read up on their life and opinions.)

What would they say about your list of things that are wrong with success?

3. Now take another sheet of paper and use it to construct an image of success that you find truly inspiring and attractive.

First, list all the different categories that are important to you. Then under each heading list out all the things that you want to achieve in that category.

To get you started, here are some category suggestions:

• Personal fulfilment
  —the things you want to do for the sheer pleasure and satisfaction they give you.
  
• Professional achievement
  —milestones you want to reach, records you want to break, awards you want to win.
  
• Financial targets
  — how much you want to earn, and what you want to do with it.
  
• Learning
  —the skills, knowledge, experience, and wisdom you want to acquire.
  
• Impact
  —the difference you want to make to the world and the people in it.
  

39. How much do you want it?

Admit it: you’re ambitious.

You’re reading this book because you have big dreams and you want to turn them into reality. You want to succeed.

But it’s not really the done thing to say so, is it?

These days, ‘ambition’ is a dirty word. People who are ambitious are viewed as either selfish or unrealistic. (“That sounds a bit ambitious,” is code for, “You are going to fail.”) Yet it wasn’t always this way.

The poet James Fenton points out that 500 years ago in Renaissance Florence, artists had no qualms about admitting their ambitions. Discussing Giorgio Vasari’s biography of Andrea del Verrocchio, he points out that Verrocchio became a sculptor because there was ‘much to be gained’ in that field i.e. honor. When he felt he had won as much honor as possible as a sculptor, he took up painting, only to realize he could never match Leonardo da Vinci—at which point he gave up and went back to sculpture again.

In Renaissance Florence, there was no shame in seeking glory as an artist—only glory. Even if you failed, it was still regarded as a noble ambition. Naturally, there was an ugly side to this: the competition was fierce and sometimes violent. But I still think we lost something important when we made a tacit agreement to keep quiet about our ambition. (Of course we didn’t get rid of it.) Because if you don’t acknowledge your ambition—even to yourself—you risk choking it. You risk not only falling short of the best that you could do, but not even attempting it.

And I don’t think you have to be a Machiavellian monster to achieve success. If you’re ambitious purely for yourself—for your fame, status, riches, and place in history—then clearly ambition is going to corrupt you. But if you’re ambitious primarily
for your work
—for how far you can take it, for what you can achieve, for the impact it can have on others— then I believe it’s still possible to think in terms of a noble ambition.

I remember the day I realized I was ambitious, right down to the very moment. The train was pulling into the platform, the sun flashed from the windows as they rolled past, and it suddenly struck me that I had big ambitions. I wanted to do things on a larger scale, make more of an impression, more of a difference than I had done before.

And once the cat was out of the bag, my excuses were gone. I was committed—to hard work, to pushing through the wall of fear, to somehow finding a way to make it happen. (This was years before I discovered blogging and the possibility of reaching a global audience from my laptop, so that last part wasn’t clear
at all
.) The upside was that once I admitted my ambition, I opened the door to a marvelous adventure—to the fun of experimenting, exploring, and connecting with like-minded people, and to delivering outsize results for the effort I put in.

You don’t need to turn into an egomaniac. You don’t need to walk over people or stab them in the back. You don’t need to spend hours admiring yourself in the mirror and polishing your awards. You don’t even need to tell your ambition to another soul. All you need to do is admit it—to yourself—and give yourself permission to pursue it.

And do it soon. It may feel as though we’re going to live forever, but for each of us there’s a window of opportunity that will close if we wait too long. Don’t leave it too late.

Your next steps:

1. Take a sheet of paper and write down your noble ambitions—for your work, your business, your career, and/or your life.

How does it feel to admit your ambitions?

How does your future look now?

What do you need to start (or keep) doing this week, to keep yourself on track to achieve your noble ambitions?

2. Now take another sheet of paper and write down your
ignoble
ambitions—what you consider the ‘wrong’ goals for you to focus on, that could distract you from your noble ambition.

For example, if you’re an actor, your noble ambition might be to perfect your art and captivate audiences with your performances. An ignoble ambition might be to rub your rivals’ noses in your success.

How does
that
list make you feel?

How can you avoid the temptations of your ignoble ambitions?

Notes:

James Fenton, “A Lesson from Michelangelo,”
The Strength of Poetry
(Oxford University Press, 2001)

A version of this chapter was first published at
http://99u.com

40. Fear of success

Yes, this really does happen.

Quite a few people have consulted me because they were on the verge of a major success, and found themselves sabotaging their chances with ‘stupid’ mistakes and ‘irrational’ behavior.

• Saying something daft in a sales meeting.
  
• Fluffing easy lines in an audition.
  
• Procrastinating and missing critical deadlines.
  
• Overlooking important details.
  

So what’s going on here?

Surely we
want
success?

We put enough time and effort into achieving it, we go through enough suffering to reach it, we work hard at developing the resilience that will get us there. What’s not to like?

It boils down to fear.

Yes, success is a wonderful thing. But every silver lining has a cloud. The closer you get to achieving your goal, the more the implications of success begin to dawn on you—and some of them can be daunting.

This kind of fear is actually a very positive sign. It shows you’re nearing another important threshold—and as always on the Hero’s Adventure, a Threshold Guardian rises up to test you. But if you face down the fear and rise to the challenge, the Guardian will give way and allow you to enjoy the rewards.

Let’s consider three of the most common fears associated with success.

1. Fear of not coping with success

When clients tell me about this one, I sometimes ask—gently, humorously: “How did you cope with failure? That was no picnic either!”

In most cases, we cope with failure and difficulty one step at a time. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed, but we generally muddle through. There’s no reason why success should be any different. If you look at it all at once, it
will
feel overwhelming—so don’t look at it all at once! Just focus on the next challenge, the next step.

And the nice thing about success is you typically have more resources to call on than when you were struggling. You have money to solve some problems, and people around you to help with others. Your reputation can open doors. And achieving any measure of success can give a big boost to your confidence—as long as you give yourself credit for your achievement.

2. Fear of selling out

To some people, selling out means earning a lot of money, living in a big house, driving a fast car, or having your picture in all the papers. If that’s your definition of selling out, it will obviously reduce your options. And if it also happens to be your definition of success, you have a big problem!

Personally, I don’t think selling out means having material possessions or worldly fame. I think it’s perfectly possible to have those things without being a sell-out. To me, it comes down to your motivation—selling out means becoming cynical, satisfied to turn out mediocre work in pursuit of this kind of reward. Maybe you and I wouldn’t care if we reached the point where it became easy to earn rewards without merit, but I like to think we would.

The most important thing is to stay motivated by the work itself, and the positive difference it can make in the world, rather than any rewards you receive after the fact. If your work is driven by fascination, inspiration, fun, freedom, or a sense of purpose, then in a sense it’s irrelevant whether you are a millionaire or muddling along financially, a celebrity or a nobody.

Not everyone will see it that way, of course. And your ego may not like some of the things these people say about you. But the only person who really knows the truth about this is you, and the only place you’ll find the answer is your heart.

3. Fear of becoming someone else

Because we habitually put successful people on a pedestal, the idea of becoming ‘one of them’ can feel daunting. You start to worry that you’ll turn into someone else, a person your friends and family don’t recognize—and don’t like.

This fear has some foundation. After all, if you were completely satisfied with who you are now, you wouldn’t be on this quest, would you?

One of the main reasons for pursuing an adventure is to fulfill your own potential, discovering and expressing new parts of your personality. And maybe some people won’t be comfortable with that, and will say you’ve changed like it’s not a compliment. But who’s on your side here? Is this really about you? Do you want to hold yourself back to fit someone else’s cardboard cutout image of ‘the real you’?

Look at it the other way round. Would you want a friend or family member to sell themselves short for fear of conforming to
your
expectations of them? Or would you feel thrilled for them, and want to encourage them to become all they can be? (And maybe want a little reassurance that they haven’t forgotten you, and love you just as much as ever?)

Think of the process of change as
adding
to who you are, not taking away. Yes, your public image and persona may change. You will hopefully discover new and exciting facets of your character. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to throw away all the old ones.

If you’ve ever gone back to your home town after some time away, you may have experienced ‘social re-entry’—returning to your family and friends, feeling strange and different at first, but then revisiting old haunts, hanging out with old friends, and slipping back into old habits of speech.

No, you’ll never be exactly the same person you once were. But that will be true whether you stay still or pursue your dreams. You are more complex and interesting than the cardboard cut-out. Accept and celebrate the fact.

Your next steps:

1. Not coping with success

i. If you feel intimidated or overwhelmed at the thought of all the demands success will bring, start by making a list of them—the small ones as well as the big ones.

ii. Now take each one in turn and rate it on a scale of 1–10, where 1 = you are completely incapable of dealing with it, and 10 = supremely confident of coping just fine. Sometimes this is all you need to do—just realizing that one or two big challenges are looming disproportionately large can help you get back your sense of perspective.