Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (15 page)

Nope. There wasn’t.

ORGASMS AND MY WILLINGNESS TO MAKE SANDWICHES

The problem with having sex is that you have to be awake and you have to move your body a little bit. This seems like an impossible task if you are exhausted. Sleep always wins.

When I feel run-down and spread thin, any request is asking too much. If I go into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich, I can’t possibly be expected to make one for anyone else. All I’ve done ALL DAY is do things for other people. I just want to be alone!

Doesn’t he realize that I’ve had kids hanging on me all day? Literally? The last thing I want now is someone inside of me. I just want my body to myself! I don’t want anyone touching me for at least ten minutes. And then I want to sleep!

However, when the effort is made, the payoff is huge. When I do have an orgasm, my entire outlook on marriage, life, the universe and everything changes.

It is so worth it! For both of us!

My scientific research has shown that wives who have orgasms make 89 percent more sandwiches for their husbands. It isn’t always easy. Husbands may have to do laundry or dishes or hire a babysitter even to make it happen. But in the end you might get a sandwich.

NORMAL, HUMAN SEX

So the other night we’re sitting on the couch. The kids are asleep.

Crappy Husband gives me the look. He thinks I have my period so the look is of the “Blow job?” variety. You know the one. It is the one with the eyebrows and then he looks down at his crotch.

(Yes, I know we can have sex during my period. It is totally legal. We did it all the time back when we were dating. However, my periods are significantly more messy now after having kids. Period sex involves laying down surgical chux pads to protect surfaces from pools of blood and he winds up looking like he gutted a shark with his penis. It’s scary.)

I explain that my period is over already.

Laughing, we start listing animals and other random life forms.

Of course then this happens:

The only type of sex we had was none.

SEX DRIVE COMPARISON CHARTS

We have very different sex drives. His is steady and stable.

It is like driving on a flat highway in South Dakota where all you see is corn. Except switch seeing corn for wanting to have sex.

My sex drive is more like driving over a very steep mountain.

It is scary and exciting for a moment, but then you’re quickly below sea level again.

THE SEX TENT

It’s summer. The kids convince us to put the tent up in the backyard. They play in it during the day, but they don’t want to sleep in it at night. So it just sits there. Empty.

After the kids are asleep in the house, we head out to the tent with a few blankets.

Since the kids’ bedroom is right next to our bedroom and since they usually wind up sleeping in our bedroom anyway, we have to get creative with where we have sex. This is one of those creative times.

And the backyard is the perfect sex location! It’s romantic! It’s the perfect breezy summer temperature and we can see the stars! It’s private and there is zero risk of the kids walking in on us, since we’d hear the sliding back door if they came outside. Plus, no pets are watching from the sidelines. It is absolutely perfect! Our sex life is rejuvenated.

Night after night we head out to the backyard tent. We even bring a few candles. And a bottle of lemongrass-scented massage oil. And another blanket. And a pillow. The tent is a fully stocked sex tent.

The kids show no interest in the tent after that first day. They don’t even go inside it during the day. It’s ours, all ours. Weeks go by and the tent stands strong.

At one point, our elderly next-door neighbor asks:

Which I think is really her way of saying, “Are you ever going to take that ugly tent down?”

But we pay no attention. Nothing is going to get in the way of our freedom and newfound sexual liberation. That tent will stay up forever.

Until one morning: