Marry Me (11 page)

Chapter Eleven

Julia got a single text from Marissa the next day.

Thanks for the best night, ever. PS If you don’t marry Ben, I will.

Marry. The idea both thrilled and terrified Julia. She knew she loved Ben and that he loved her, but she couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of him proposing for real. It seemed like a fantasy.

Julia was packing for a two-day shoot in Philadelphia. She made sure to include the outfit she planned to wear to Ben’s concert on the day she returned. The band was kicking off their tour with a sold-out New York show. Depending on how the shoot went, she might have to head straight to the performance from the train station.

She was heading out on a late-afternoon train so Ben came to see her off. “I’ll miss you,” he said, nuzzling her neck in his irresistible way.

“It’s only two days.”

“I know. I can miss you in far less time than that.” He kissed her softly, rubbing his nose against hers. “Oh, I’ve arranged for a car to pick you up in Philly on Thursday.”

“What? That’s silly. I’ll take the train. Even if I get the later one I’ll still make it to the show.”

“I know, I just feel better about having a driver get you. You don’t have to rush, and you don’t have to juggle all this luggage.”

Julia shook her head. “That’s not necessary.”

“Will you stop being stubborn just this once and allow me to do this one small thing for you?”

“Fine.” It was impossible for her to say no to anything when she looked into his eyes.

“Good.” He kissed her again.

Julia had to admit that the thought of a car was more appealing than the train and he was right, she wouldn’t have to worry about carrying everything. She just wasn’t used to being treated so well. It felt decadent, just like everything about Ben.

* * * * *

Ben was exceptionally nervous the night of the show, not because of the performance but because Julia was late. The limo company had called to confirm the driver and he knew she should be on her way, but the band was going on and she had yet to arrive.

“Focus,” Niles said. “We need you onstage tonight. Come on.”

Ben knew he was right. He was overreacting. Surely Julia was fine or he’d have heard from her. He tried her cell one last time but got her voicemail.
She’s fine. She has to be.
His stomach pitched as he took his seat behind his drums.

During every break, he glanced toward the side of the stage. Tina, the PA, shook her head, indicating there was still no word on Julia. Panic began to boil inside him.
What if the car never arrived? What if there was an accident?
The thought made him positively green.

Niles prodded him through the show with warning looks. As the final curtain closed, Ben strode straight backstage. Tina rushed toward him. “She just arrived. They had a little accident, that’s all.”

Accident was the only word Ben heard. He rushed down the corridor. Julia was nowhere in sight but a driver in a uniform stood next to one of the dressing room doors, holding an ice pack to his wrist. “Jus-a-fenderbender.” His words were slurred together. It was clear he was drunk.

Ben grabbed the guy by the jacket collar, slamming him into the wall. “Where is she?”

Tina’s voice was a feathery echo in the background. “She’s fine, she’s right here.” All Ben could hear was his own blood pumping hard and fast against his eardrums.

“Hey, lissen,” the driver continued to slur, barely able to get the words out. “She’s okay, it was just a li’l accident.”

“You son of a bitch.” The thoughts of what could have happened to Julia flooded into Ben’s mind and all he saw was red. He slammed his fist into the side of the driver’s face with enough force he crumbled to the ground. Ben yanked him upright with one hand and went at him again.

It took Niles, Paul and one of the bouncers to pull Ben off the guy. Ben’s knuckles were split and pouring blood.

“Enough,” Niles said. “Look at me. It’s enough.”

Adrenaline was still coursing through him and he might have taken a swing at Niles had he not caught a glimpse of Julia’s face. She was staring, eyes wide, face ashen. The moment they made eye contact she turned and ran.

“Julia, wait.” He struggled to follow her but Paul must have thought he was making another go for the driver and held him back. “Let me go, you bleeding bastard, I don’t give a fuck about this wanker, I need to get to Julia.”

He broke free and tore down the hall after her but by the time he made it out onto the street he could see her slamming the door of a taxi. She was gone.

“Let her go, mate,” Niles said.

“I can’t.” All the anger had ebbed out of him, all he felt was need. He hailed a cab and got in without another word.

The lights were on in her apartment and he saw her pass near the window. Relief washed over him knowing that at least she was home and safe. He bounded up her stairs and knocked several times but got no answer. He slumped against her door. “Look, I know you’re listening. At least I hope you are. I just want to explain why I went so completely ballistic.”

He raked his hand through his hair, cringing as his bloodied knuckles cracked and stung. “I know you know Sheila died in a car crash, but I’m not sure you know the details.” It hurt to remember that night, but the thought of losing Julia hurt too, so he forced himself to continue. “I’d wanted to send a car for her that night. She was six months pregnant and I didn’t like the idea of her driving alone at night, but she’d insisted. She didn’t want us to spend the money. When she hadn’t arrived by the time the show started I was worried, but I figured there’d been traffic because of the rain. I got caught up in the performance.”

He closed his eyes, seeing it all play out again in his mind. “It was one of our best shows ever. Biggest venue we’d ever played. We did two bloody encores before we finally headed backstage. I was laughing when I saw the police, joking with Paul about who was getting busted. Then the officer sat me down and told me what had happened.”

He pinched his fingers hard against the bridge of his nose, trying to block the feelings that came along with his words. “While I’d been reveling in the glory of being onstage, Sheila had been driven off the road by a drunk driver. I lost everything that night. And I never thought I’d care about anyone that way, ever again, until I met you. The thought of anything happening to you makes me absolutely mad. I can’t go through that again. I thought I was keeping you safe by hiring the driver tonight and instead I’m the one who put you in danger. I’m so sorry Julia. I’m—”

She opened the door so fast he fell into her apartment. When he looked up, her cheeks were red, eyes glistening with tears. “I’m sorry about your wife. I didn’t know.”

“I never told you.” He struggled into a standing position, but the minute he approached her she took a step back. Watching her cower from him was killing him. “Julia, please.”

Tears ran down her face but she shook her head, arms folded tightly across her chest. “I’m not angry, Ben, I’m… I just…” Her gaze wandered down to his hand. His battered knuckles.

“Julia, I’d never hurt you. Please tell me you know that.” He had never felt more desperate.

“I know.” She didn’t sound at all convinced, her eyes were still wide and frightened. He wanted to sweep her into his arms, to hold and kiss her, to make everything right. And he couldn’t. His heart ached.

“What can I do?” His voice shook far more than he wanted it to.

“Nothing.” Her answer was so swift and absolute it hit him like a punch.

“There must be something. This can’t be it. I love you.”

Her eyes softened the tiniest bit, allowing hope to bloom, but she shook her head again. “I love you too. But I need time.”

“That’s the one thing I don’t have. We’re leaving for L.A. tonight. I’ll be gone two weeks.”

“Good.” The word cut him to his core.

“Will you still fly out to meet us in Chicago next week? Or earlier even. Denver?”

“I think it’ll be good for us to have time apart. You’ll be busy with your shows and interviews and I’ll have time to get my head on straight. These past few months have just been a blur.”

His eyes stung. He knew he had to go, their flight left in a few hours and he still had to pack. He didn’t want to leave her. “Can I hug you goodbye?”

She nodded, taking a tentative step toward him. He put his arms around her as gently as he could, though all he wanted was to squeeze her tight and never let her go. She hugged him back but her body remained stiff. He longed to have her wrap her arms around him, to feel her curving in to him, to hear her tell him they were going to be okay. Instead she hugged him briefly and pulled away. She folded her arms across her chest again.

Ben was completely deflated.

“Have a safe trip.” Her voice broke. “I can’t do this anymore. You have to leave.”

He reached out for her but she turned and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He could hear the whir of the shower. She wasn’t coming back out. She meant what she said. It was time for him to go. He took a final glance around her apartment then turned and walked out her door.

Julia listened at the bathroom door then turned off the water. She opened the door slowly, hearing his footsteps echo down the stairwell. A part of her wanted to run after him, to call to him from the window and tell him to come back, that everything would be okay, but all she could see was him attacking her driver.

Her hand was shaking as she picked up the phone to call Marissa.

“What’s wrong?” Marissa asked as soon as Julia said hello.

The tears resumed instantly. The entire story spilled out, punctuated with sobs and gasps. Marissa listened patiently.

“So you let him leave?”

“I had to.”

Marissa took a deep breath. “No, you didn’t. Jules, I’ve never seen you happier than you’ve been the past few months, and that’s all because of Ben. He loves you. There’s no doubt in my mind. He’d never hurt you.”

“You didn’t see him go after this guy tonight. The look in his eyes.”

“That asshole driver almost killed you. I’m glad Ben beat the shit out of him, I would have done the same thing. Would that have made you scared of me?”

“No. That’s different.” Julia shook her head.

“How is it different?”

“It just is.” She ran her hands through her hair, then stalked into the kitchen in search of chocolate.

“You know what’s different? He hurt someone to defend you. Trey hurt you to hurt you.”

Julia’s hands froze inside the bag of chocolate chips.
She’s right.
“It doesn’t matter. The way I reacted, he’ll never want anything to do with me again.”

“You can tell yourself that if it makes this easier on you, but I’ll never buy it. I can’t make you realize that this guy cares about you, you need to accept that all on your own. And I really hope you do. He could make you happy, all you have to do is let him.”

Julia curled up on the couch with her bag of chocolate.
Am I keeping myself from being happy?
She couldn’t help but think about all the time she and Ben had spent together. Marissa was right, she’d never been more content. No one had ever made her feel so special or so safe. The look in Ben’s eyes when he’d left her apartment haunted her. He looked devastated. And she’d done that to him. She shook her head, attempting to clear it.
He hit someone. I saw it happen.
“No, I’m not the one who lost it, he is. I can’t be with someone who’s capable of that kind of violence, not again.”

Marissa took a deep breath. “Did he hurt you?”

“No.” She swallowed hard.

“Did he threaten you in any way?”

“No.” Her voice was barely there.

“So what exactly did he do that was so unforgivable?”

“You didn’t see the look in his eyes when he was whaling on that guy. Then he came over here, banging on my door. I was scared.”

“Banging on your door? I thought you gave him a key.”

Julia dropped a chocolate chip and it rolled underneath the couch. “I did.”

“Then why didn’t he let himself into your apartment?”

“I don’t know, maybe he didn’t have it with him. The point is he was out of control.” Julia stood up, spilling chocolate chips everywhere. “Shit, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jules, wait.”

Julia hung up. She crouched on the floor, sweeping the chocolate bits into her hand then dumped them in the kitchen trash. Her neck ached, her chest hurt. She went back into the bathroom and turned the shower on full blast. The steam quickly filled the room, reminding her of Ben and all the times they’d showered together. She stepped under the hot spray. Even the scent of her soap now reminded her of him. His hands gently caressing her. His fingers working through her soapy hair. So caring. So gentle.
No. That wasn’t real. Tonight was real. I saw what he’s capable of doing.
Her fear was dissipating and doubt grew in an ever-expanding knot in her stomach. She tried to shake it away, but all she could think of was Ben. His kindness. The way he cared for her. She dried off, toweling vigorously to try to shake sense into herself. She slipped on her velour robe and tied it tight, feeling anything but snug and warm.