Mary Connealy (33 page)

Red wanted to sigh, but he contained it because he didn’t want to sound impatient. He said, “Cassie, you’re about the sweetest li’l thing I’ve ever seen. I tell you all the time to holler at me and call me a polecat, but you just don’t have an ounce of mean in you anywhere.”

“Oh yes, I do, Red. I…I don’t think it’s fair of you to go on thinking I’m a nice person when I’m not. I have so much anger churning around inside me sometimes that, even if I don’t say so out loud, I know God judges me for a sinner. The things I want to say sometimes …” Cassie shook her head and swiped at her tears. “The stupid, childish tantrums I want to throw. No, I think we can do better than to hang my name on the innocent baby.”

Red thoughtfully rubbed the side of his jaw where Cassie had given him a stiff right cross during one labor pain. She’d have nailed him several times if he hadn’t gotten on to ducking. He’d bet his whole ranch she didn’t remember doing it, and he had a good idea about exactly what boiled inside her, because he thought he’d heard every word of it the last twenty hours while she delivered the baby. “If you think you’re confessing a sin to me, you’re wrong. I couldn’t be happier to hear you’ve got strong feelings about things. I’ve told you before I want to know what you’re thinking.”

“No, you don’t.” She shook her head frantically. “Trust me, Red. You wouldn’t like the person I am inside.”

She was so tired that Red felt guilty about talking with her about this right now. But maybe, while she was so exhausted she barely knew what she was saying and so twisted up inside with her confession, she’d be more open than ever before. Red decided he had to try. “Didn’t Griff like the person you were inside?”

“Oh, no. Nobody would,” Cassie said vehemently.

“And did he…hurt you when he was displeased with you?”

“Only when I was bad.”

Red had to control himself from flinching at the calm acceptance in her tone. How could he make her understand that no man had the right to hurt a woman, especially when she claimed all the fault for herself?

Cassie continued, “He had to teach me how to be a woman. I was such a child when he married me, not near good enough to be his wife.”

“Griff’s way isn’t my way. I believe it’s wrong to hurt another human being. I’d
never
hit you. I’d
never
treat you like I had to teach you to be good enough for me.”

“I want you to.” Cassie looked away from Susannah and blinked guilty eyes at Red. “You’re already teaching me so many things. I’m not fit, not yet, to be your wife, but I’m trying hard to learn about the cattle and the hogs and Buck. There’s so much I have to learn.”

Red did teach her all the time. How was that different from Griff? He knew it was, but how did he explain the difference? Then he had an inspiration. “What about all you teach me, Cassie? You know all sorts of things I don’t know. That’s what makes a marriage. You knew things about having a baby I didn’t, and you run the house so much better than I ever did. And you’re educated. You read and write.”

Red brushed a wispy strand of dark hair off Cassie’s forehead. “And you’re kind. Griff was never kind. Did Griff ever ask you to teach
him
how to treat people with kindness and respect? He should have, because he was terrible at that, and you are so good at it. All the ladies in town love you, and all the men would die for you. Griff never inspired anyone the way you do. You could have taught him a lot.”

“Me teach Griff?” Cassie asked in a bemused voice. “But he knew everything already.”

Red reached both hands down to Cassie and gently turned her onto her back.

She looked up at him curiously.

“He didn’t know that it was a sin to hit you. He liked the part of the Bible that said a wife should submit to her husband, but he didn’t know about the next verse that said a man should care for his wife and love her as Christ loved the church. We talked about this at a Sunday service once. You know how Jesus treated people, don’t you? We’ve been reading the Bible together long enough. He was always kind. He always acted out of love. In the end He died. He sacrificed His own life as a way to save your soul, Cass. Yours and mine. Jesus would have never looked favorably on a man hitting his wife. He’d have told Griff that the way he treated you was a powerful sin.”

“A sin? But you only think that because you don’t know the real me. You said I’m beautiful but I’m not, not inside where it really counts. I’m full of ugliness. And I’m
not
sweet. My heart is
black
with the anger I feel. And I’m not smart. I can be so stupid. I had to have Griff tell me what to do all the time. And now I need you to tell me.”

Red didn’t know what to say. He prayed silently for wisdom and listened for a still, small voice telling him where to go next. All he could think of was, “I need you, too. All of us have sin inside us. I know I do.”

“Oh no, Red. Not you. You’re wonderful.”

“Of course I think of bad things and I try to keep my mouth from wrapping around some of the angry thoughts that want to escape from me. But I think what you’re worrying about is different. I think so much of what churns around inside of you
should
be said out loud. There’s nothing wrong with having an opinion, Cassie. God gave you a fine mind. Not knowing how to milk a cow is not the same as being stupid. Remember the chickens? You’re way smarter’n them.”

Cassie smiled mildly. “Yes, the chickens. That’s right.”

“I need you to tell me what you’re thinking. You help me so much with the strength of your back, but I need your mind, too. I need two people thinking of all the possibilities to live the best way we know how. Can’t you see that holding all of your opinions and ideas inside is a type of selfishness? I know you do it because Griff never wanted your help, but Griff was a failure as a rancher and that’s the plain truth. He lost everything he had and he had a lot to begin with. I started with next to nothing and I managed to build a nice spread. Griff didn’t know everything, and he’d have benefited from your help. It sure couldn’t have hurt. If anything, I’d say Griff was the stupid one.”

Cassie’s eyes narrowed as she listened to him. For a second, Red was afraid he’d made her mad saying such harsh things about Griff.

Then Cassie said, “Griff
was
a bad rancher, wasn’t he? He didn’t check the cattle hardly ever. He said they’d forage on their own, but you check them once or twice a day.”

“Well, yeah. You have to check ’em or they wander off or die. Every rancher knows that.”

“Griff didn’t know it. We had chickens, but they all ran off or got eaten by varmints. He blamed everything on bad luck or dishonest people, but our land was as good as yours. He wouldn’t listen to advice from anybody, most especially me. And he couldn’t do everything himself, but he wouldn’t let me help, so lots of things went undone. Even the fence that he cut himself on was badly repaired because he had done a sloppy job of mending it.”

Cassie sat halfway up in bed. Red saw lines of distress deepen around her mouth and eyes, but when he reached out to her to urge her to lie back, she resisted him. He decided her opposition to his wishes was something to be encouraged at the moment.

“I’m not stupid, Red. I was always a good student in school. You’re right about that. Why did I let him convince me I was?”

“He was a violent, domineering man, and you were so young that you couldn’t stand up to him. Your mother trusted him to care for you, but he betrayed that trust and only cared for himself. He took all of your money by marrying you and squandered it.” It made Red furious to think of the way Cassie had been robbed and cheated. “Then he died and left you with a baby on the way, all his bills for a high life he couldn’t afford, and no way to care for yourself.”

Cassie’s eyes had dropped to the middle of Red’s chest while he talked. Red tilted her chin up to see how she was handling his blunt truths. Her eyes blazed into his. She opened her mouth then stopped whatever words were working their way out.

“Say it. Even if you think I won’t like it. Even if you think it’s a stupid, mean thing to say. I’d love to know what’s going on in your head.”

She closed her mouth and opened it again as if the words just wouldn’t emerge.

Red waited, afraid to push her any further.

Finally the worst of the fiery anger faded from her eyes and she looked over at her sleeping child. “I’m thinking a lot of things, Red. They’re all so jumbled I can’t seem to get any of them to come out, but the main one is”—she looked back at him—“I’m glad I’m your wife. I’m glad you’re Susannah’s father. I think…I think God knew just what He was doing that day in the cemetery, and I’ll thank Him every day of my life for letting me be with you.” She launched herself the few inches that separated them and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Red didn’t have to think a second before he was holding her snug against him.

Cassie pulled away for just a second. “I’m going to try and say what’s on my mind, Red. And God help you when I do because you may not like some of it. But be patient with me, and we’ll see if I can…start to believe I’m smart and that what I think matters. Maybe the Cassie who’s been hiding inside of me all these years isn’t such a bad person.”

“I like everything about you, Cass honey. I only want to know more.”

“Well then, the first thing that’s on my mind, now that I’ve turned over a new leaf is…go away and let me get some sleep. I’m exhausted.” Cassie leaned back against her pillow with her chin lifted ever so slightly in the air as if she were daring him to tell her to stay awake. She tugged at her covers, and since he was sitting on them, she gave him a disgruntled look.

He stood and helped her smooth them.

“When I wake up, I might demand you make me something to eat. How would you like that, sir?” She sounded very bossy, but a smile escaped her prim lips.

Red smiled right back. “It would be my pleasure to serve you, ma’am. You tell me how your want your eggs, and they’ll come out scrambled like they always do.”

Cassie nestled herself amid her blankets. “That sounds just fine.” She was asleep the instant her eyes closed.

Red looked back as he left the room. He stood for a minute and reveled in the beautiful sight of his family. His two beautiful women, Cassie and Susannah. Sleeping. Trusting him for their care.

It was a moment of crystal-clear clarity. A moment with a value beyond price. They were all bound together with a generous supply of love. And, with God’s help, that love would overflow into every corner of their lives. He couldn’t bring himself to leave immediately and he almost climbed into bed with Cassie just to hold her close. He would soon.

Fatigue tugged at his sleep-deprived brain, but he had something to do first. He stepped out of the room, a room he’d barely left in the last day, to spend a few moments in communion with God.

He knelt by the fire, his Bible clutched against his chest, and prayed the most sincere prayer of his life.

Thank You. Thank You, heavenly Father, for the gift You’ve given me. And thank You, thank You, thank You for my life with Cassie, and this joy and perfect peace.

C
assie declared war.

She spent the next three days ranting and raving at him as if he were a slave, and a slow, ignorant slave at that.

He served her perfectly good scrambled eggs and ham for every meal. She told him it was burned, and he was pretty sure, if he hadn’t moved quickly, she’d have thrown it at him.

She barked at him when he was slow. She snarled at him if things weren’t done to her specification. And if he ever dared to disagree with her, she cried.

Red thought he was losing his mind. Cassie had given birth to more than a baby. She’d given birth to a shrewish temper.

The only time she was cheerful was when she held the baby in her arms, and the little one wasn’t cooperating there. Susannah slept all the time, just waking up to demand food or when her diaper needed changing. Red wished fervently she’d keep Cassie a little busier. Red was a little surprised to find out changing diapers was his job. But since it was the only time Cassie would let him touch his babe, he got to liking it.

He also gave Susannah her first real bath. He sneaked her out of the bedroom late one afternoon when Cassie was napping and spent a cheerful hour washing Susannah in carefully warmed water by the fire and telling her all about the ranch. Susannah went so far as to open her eyes just a slit on one occasion, and Red saw that they were a light blue just like his. He enjoyed that for a moment because Cassie’s eyes were a dark, shining brown, before he remembered that none of his blood flowed in little Susannah’s veins. Then he decided if he wanted to think she looked one tiny bit like him, he’d just do it and that was that.

He had Susannah back in her bed before Cassie woke up. Red was relieved he hadn’t gotten caught. “I’ve created a monster.”

Cassie kept nagging him and finding fault with everything he did for her. When Red confessed about the bath, she had some choice comments about his handling of the situation, even though the little’un had obviously survived and was clean and sweet-smelling in Cassie’s arms.

Red kept telling himself that this might be part of those riotous emotions Seth had warned him about. He wanted to talk to Seth about it. He wanted to talk to someone about it before the walls closed in around him. He thought at this very moment he heard the roof creaking under the weight of Cassie’s constant emotional turmoil.

Red willed the weather to clear. The sleet that had locked him and Cassie inside together while Susannah was born had changed over to snow. There was no snow like a Montana mountain snow, and this looked like a prime example of nature’s worst.

Red struggled out to check his cattle every day. He’d found most of them placidly waiting out the storm in a sheltered canyon just as he’d expected, but there were always a few idiots who wallowed their way into trouble, broke through the frozen creek, or hurt themselves slipping on ice.

He’d found one steer with a broken leg and found one calf born out of season. He was able to rescue the calf and reunite it with its frantic mother. The steer couldn’t be saved, so Red shot it and dragged its carcass back to the house, wearing all the ginger out of old Buck in the process. Then he’d had the steer to skin and butcher and the brown and white spotted hide to tan.