Mary Ellen Courtney - Hannah Spring 01 - Wild Nights (37 page)

I emailed Eric that it had been okay to lose it all. That maybe the shit can end, at least the surprises. But I wasn’t really sure about that. I thought he should have the watch repaired. That he should wear it. It could keep his race times. I teased him for the first time. I said he could time his spinach and cheese casserole. I knew he’d hate me saying that, but I’d heard from Anna that he was big on making casseroles.

Someone knocking on the door gentled me awake at 6:00 in the morning. I opened the door a crack; it was Chahel. He beckoned me out onto the terrace. I could see the ghats over his shoulder. They were quiet and steaming; probably the residual heat from thousands of humans washing and praying; from smoldering bones. The conch shell had already called. His face was a map of worry.

“What is it Chahel?”

“Miss Margaret isn’t opening her door.”

We went down to her room. He unlocked the door and stood aside. She was lying in bed. I opened her shutters a little bit and looked down at her; she was breathing softly.

“Margaret?” I whispered.

She slept on. I closed the netting around her and told Chahel I’d sit with her. He came back a few minutes later with chai and toast. I pulled the chair over by the window and picked up the book she was reading. It was Joan Didion’s,
The Year Of Magical Thinking
. It seemed like a strangely melancholy New York choice here on the banks of the Ganges. It felt like cabs and martinis, like soft focus grey wool over stockings and black pumps; not rickshaws, chai, and brilliant fluttering silk glimpsing brown bare feet and sun glinting anklets ringing tiny bells.

I had finished my tea and toast and was reading when she finally woke up.

“What are you doing here?”

“Chahel couldn’t wake you. I was reading and lost track of time. This is some depressing stuff. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, just tired. Playing host to worms is tiring.”

“That’s revolting, yech. But this isn’t just tired. I know the real just tired, and the alcoholic just tired, this isn’t either one. I know you’re not telling me the truth; you’d be the first person on the crew to not purge the worms with that nasty pill they sell on every corner. It’s time for you to go home, get this over with.”

“You’re right, Hannah. Do you realize how bossy you’ve gotten?”

“I’ve gotten bossy?”

“It’s about time. I thought you’d never fire me.”

I started laughing. “You’ve been waiting for me to fire you? If only I’d known. I would have fired you months ago, you slacker. And then sticking me with Amy; I thought we were friends.”

She was smiling. “We’re more than friends, but I’m not going back to Los Angeles. And before you get yourself all worked up, Ed knows.”

“Don’t tell me you two are getting a divorce. I thought you said you were beyond that.”

“No divorce.”

“Where are you going if not back to LA?”

“We’re not sure, our cabin for a start. He’s tired of taking care of the kids. We’re neither of us really that kind of grandparent.”

“Now you’re making sense. You’ll need to give me a forwarding address so I can send your severance pay. You’re still fired.”

She nodded. “I’ve absolutely loved working with you, even back when you were young and stupid. There was never a dull moment. That husband of yours was worth the price of admission. Telling the IRS that he’s a U.S. citizen, like they didn’t know that. What an ass. But I can’t think of anything that I’ve enjoyed more than the vision of you drawing all over your mother. Figuring out the number of nights was a stroke of genius. Drawing the sun and the moon, the passage of time looking on. I hope she knows how lucky she is.”

“I didn’t think of them as the passage of time, her skinny hipbones just called out to me. I doubt she thinks she’s lucky. According to my aunt, she’s never really liked me. I stood between her and a man.”

“And now she’s sober and she has Arthur, and your aunt is still batshit. Let’s just put that one to rest. Along with cats, kittens, three chances, and all the other crap.”

“My father would not approve of your language.”

“I’m certain he’d approve of every word. I want to go back to sleep now, boss. I think you should call Jon and ask him to come here.”

“He can’t come here. We’ve talked about it. He needs to take his daughter to the mainland to look at schools.”

“They’re going to be your family now. Call him. Let him know how much you need him. If he loves you, he’ll come.”

“I don’t like tests. They’re not my style, you know that.”

“It’s not a test, Hannah, it’s a fact of life. You need him right now; you need to learn to ask for him. He loves you; he deserves to know that about you. Don’t leave an opening between you; it will get filled with the wrong thing. You’ve seen it a hundred times.”

“There’s no one filling it now.”

“No, you’ve seemed oblivious to that first AD trying to get at you.”

“I noticed him. He’s a nice boy.”

“So not this time, but you know what happens. Deal with it now when it’s just a nice boy.”

“My mother asked my father to come home and it got him killed.”

“Your father made a mistake. Unless Jon gets our Udaipur pilot, he’ll make it here in one piece.”

“Did you ask Ed when you were working?”

“Not often enough. Ed and I missed a lot of time together. I don’t recommend it.”

“That sounds kind of cryptic.”

“I can tell you one thing: do what you need to do to be together. In the end that’s how you get what you need. Don’t regret the missed time like we do.”

“I can hear women all over the world grinding their teeth at that little gem of wisdom.”

“I know, but I’m old, I can say whatever I want. I’m not saying don’t have a career; that goes both ways. I’m saying don’t hurt your life together in the process. It’s not always poetic and it’s not always justice, but in the end you’ll be glad.”

“Karin is weighing that now. They have the kids.”

“I know. For them there’s no rewind. Anyone who thinks there will be is just negotiating for the moment.”

“Do you think they can recover?”

“They will or they won’t. They’ll never get back to where they were. Scars cover the tenderness. She’ll never feel safe enough to leave her dress behind.”

“Did you do things that you regret?”

“What a dumb question.”

“I mean men.”

“Of course, though I wasn’t an A student like you are. I’m a different generation.”

“That’s not very nice,” I was laughing.

“Sometimes I think it would have been fun.”

“It’s not, at least not in hindsight. Practice doesn’t make perfect with the wrong man. Did you get over it?”

“Off and on. I didn’t feel the regret when I was happy. It came back when I needed to call Ed. Pay attention to that warning sign. That’s when you get into trouble.”

“Ed couldn’t fix the past.”

“No, Ed is the constant present. He loves me when I don’t.”

“So you haven’t forgotten?”

“I haven’t forgotten one thing. This morning I remembered hearing that I was an old friend’s first wet dream. Some remembering is good.”

“Wet dream?”

“I know. I didn’t even have to show up to be interesting. He was dying and told a mutual friend. He was a nice boy who grew into a nice man. He hadn’t forgotten anything either.”

“That’s sweet in a strange way.”

“He should have just asked me out; it might have been sweeter than a dream.”

“It sounds like I better call Ed, you need him right now.”

“Yes,” she smiled. “Call Ed.”

“Dede has offered me a job in Eastern Europe.”

“I know. You can’t escape Hollywood chatter, even in India. It’s a big opportunity for you.”

“What about you?”

“I’m not going to Eastern Europe. Been there, done that. It’s a fascinating place though.”

“I need to talk to Jon. I don’t think he’s going to like the idea.”

“Can you blame him? An empty dress can only get you so far.”

“A wet dream?”

She was laughing when I walked out the door.

My first call was to Ed. I related part of the conversation; I skipped the wet dream. Knowing them, he knew anyway. He was quiet for a long time. I told him what she was reading.

“Oh christ,” he said. “She’s reading that big sob again. I should be able to get there in a few days. You okay?”

“I’m fine. But I should warn you I fired her for being a slacker. I’m not sure I can cover your travel expenses.”

“Good job, she had that coming.”

“What’s going on, Ed?”

He was quiet for such a long time I thought we’d lost our connection.

“Ed? You still there?”

“I’m here.”

“I don’t like this. I grew up in a family of secret keepers. It’s pointless; I’m going to find out. I need to know now. I don’t want any surprises, I’m barely hanging on here.”

“She’s dying, Hannah. She’s known for a few weeks.”

“How do you know? That’s so fast. Has she even seen a real doctor? She keeps going to that guy who takes her pulses or something.”

“He’s a real doctor. She trusts him. His medicine is a lot older than what they have to offer in Los Angeles.”

“Dying?”

“She has late stage cancer. We had no idea. We really did think it was parasites like everyone else.”

“How can you be so calm about this? Why aren’t you here doing something? I’m going to call Dede, have her moved to Delhi.”

“No, you’re not. This isn’t up to you, or me.”

“Ed, this is crazy. I can’t just stand by like a little girl and not do something.”

“To answer your question, I’m not calm about it. But I also know there’s nothing to do. She doesn’t want to do anything about it. She wants her last time to be quality time. She’s enjoying herself there. He’s keeping her comfortable.”

“Wouldn’t she rather die in Los Angeles?”

“Why?”

“So the family can be around. Your son’s a doctor. He can do something.”

“She doesn’t want the family around. He agrees with her, he told her the truth. He’s his mother’s son. He’s talking to her doctor there. She’s in good hands.”

“What about your daughter, the grandkids?”

“She’s talking to each of them. They’re saying what they need to say. A few more touches wouldn’t mean anything. I’ve been here to help us through it. I’ll be there in a few days to help you.”

I was shocked and exhausted.

“Okay.”

“Hannah, be sure her window is open. She says Chahel keeps closing it. She really likes the sound of the conch shell at the temple. And make her go up to the roof and get some sun.”

“Okay. Does Chahel know?”

“Yes. But don’t be mad at her, Hannah. She didn’t tell you because she knows you’d get into a spin. She’s waxing very philosophic right now about wasting time with worry. She loves you. She won’t leave without saying good-bye.”

“How can we say good-bye?”

“That’s between you two.”

I hung up and tried counting backwards to Hawaii time. I couldn’t make any sense of it so just called.

“Morning, I guess,” said Jon.

He was sound asleep.

“Margaret is dying. Right here. She isn’t sick with parasites at all, she has cancer.”

“Start over, H. I was asleep.”

I related the conversation with Ed to him.

“How am I going to say good-bye to her, Jon? All my talk about needing good-bye. I don’t have any idea how to do that.”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s like Ed said, you two will figure it out.”

“Have you ever done that?”

“No, I don’t think very many people actually do. How much time does she have?”

“I have no idea. But she plans on staying here until the end.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. You mean stay or come home?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know. She’s more a mother than my own mother.”

“Well, ask her what she wants.”

“I’ve been offered a new project in Eastern Europe, it starts in six months.”

“I think you should back burner that. Figure out what you want to do about Margaret first. And us.”

“Us?”

“I assume we’re still in your calculations.”

“I’m sorry, of course you are. I’m in shock is all.”

He was quiet on the other end.

“Jon?”

“I’m here, Hannah. What do you need from me?”

“I don’t know. Margaret said I should ask you to come, but it wasn’t because she said she was dying. It was before that. She thought I was going to make a mistake.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“That I’d lose my way some how, I don’t know. I’m so tired I feel like I’m hallucinating. I feel detached from the earth. I couldn’t even begin to figure out what time it is where you are. I still have so much work to do. The universes are colliding.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“No. I know how it sounds. There’s nothing. I just don’t know how to tell you what is. What’s going on. I don’t know myself.”

We were both quiet.

“How am I going to say good-bye, Jon?”

“Don’t. Just tell her you’ll love her forever and ever.”

“That sounds like a little girl.”

“That’s all I have to offer, that’s the only thing I know. It’s what my mother said to her mother before she died in the car. She was a little girl.”

I started sobbing. “Oh my god, Jon.”

We sat in silence for what seemed like an hour. Amy came in amped with energy and waving her arm at me to get going. The entire crew was standing around on the set, waiting for me to show up with the meal our lovers were supposed to be eating. I motioned her toward the kitchen. The guys had it all wrapped up. She and Chahel started loading it into the car.

“I need to go, Jon. I’m late for work. I don’t want you to spend any time worrying.”

“I’m in Honolulu. We’re leaving for the mainland in a few days. Call me later; don’t worry about the time. If we miss, I’ll call you back.”

“Don’t try calling here. My schedule is off the hook. The phone will just wake up the guys downstairs. They nap on the dining room table when they’re not taking care of us. I’ll try to reach you when I get a break.”