Masquerade (26 page)

“What did he say?”
Clarissa asked.

“Not much. He asked if you were in, and I said you were
swimming. Then he said to tell you that Alex called. I said, ‘Oh yes, you’re her husband.’ And he said, ‘Her ex-husband.’ So you see, I think he’s feeling a little put out.” Meredith gave Clarissa a smile. It dropped from her face, replaced by a look of concern. “Clarissa, you’re as white as a sheet.”

“Am I?” Why couldn’t she pull off a laugh? A laugh would have hidden everything. She should have been able to say, “Yes, he likes to thr
eaten when he’s in a bad mood.” Instead, she sat on the couch trying to control her shaky hands.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.” Clarissa picked up her scissors and busily cut the paper again.

Meredith
remained silent for a moment, and then when she spoke her voice was even and serious. “Alex is your husband, isn’t he?”

The paper fell from
Clarissa’s hands and with it her whole facade. Had she wanted to, she couldn’t have forced any sort of fabrication from her lips. “Not anymore. We’re divorced.”

Meredith came back to the couch and sat down heavily on it. “Why on earth did you lie about it?”

“I didn’t mean to. I mean, at first it was an oversight at the employment agency, but I needed the job, and I didn’t think it would really matter.”

“I think it will matter a great deal to Slade.”

The words hurt. “I know. Dishonesty in an employee is the last thing he wants.”

“Is that how you think he thinks about you? As an employee?”

Clarissa slumped down farther on the couch. “No. I mean, he also thinks of me as a friend—and that’s even worse—to deceive a friend.”

Meredith opened her mouth to say something, then shut it instead. She survey
ed Clarissa with a calculating gaze. “Let me ask you a question. What do you think of Slade?”

“I think he’s a caring father, and he’s
generous to the people around him—he’s great.”

“And?”

“What can I say beyond great?”

“How does he make you feel when you look at him?”

Clarissa didn’t answer. She felt her face flush bright red.

Meredith nodded. “I thought so.”

Clarissa swallowed hard. “Please don’t tell him.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. That’s your job.”

Clarissa shifted uneasily on the couch. “I’m not going to tell him.”

“W
hy not?”

“Because it wouldn’t matter to him. I’m just his nanny. He doesn’t see me as anything more than that.”

Meredith tilted her head with a thoughtful expression. “You’re wrong, of course, but I’m not sure how to prove it to you.”

“I know he’s flirted with me a little in the past, but that’s because he felt
safe doing it. He knew I’d never reciprocate. If he knew I was unmarried, he’d feel awkward and uncomfortable around me.”

Meredith tapped the couch with her fingertips and didn’t answer.

Clarissa leaned back into the couch in a big mournful lump. “Slade could have his pick of anyone he wanted. He wouldn’t choose me. He’s going to choose some famous supermodel or Nobel Peace Prize winner.”

Meredith still didn’t answer.

“Why should I put myself through any more pain and rejection? It’s easier to let him go on believing I’m married. At least that way he won’t be afraid to be my friend.”

Meredith nodded solemnly, as though agreeing to a conversation she held within herself. “I think I will go rent a Cat Woman outfit,” she said. “The shop still had a couple when I went to pick up the Batman suit. You’ll put it on and meet Slade at the Sunset Park Motel at seven o’clock.”

“What good would that do?”

“Well, you want to know if he likes you, and you want to do it in such a manner as to guarantee you won’t be hurt. What better way to find out than to be costumed as someone else? While you’re talking
, ask him . . .” Here Meredith faltered for a moment, rolling her hand in the air as she thought how to phrase it. “Ask him what type of things he looks for in a woman. Ask him what he thinks of his nanny. That way if he doesn’t like you, you can return to being Clarissa Hancock, his nanny, and he’s none the wiser. If he does like you, then you pull off your mask and tell him the truth.” She smiled triumphantly and waved a hand in Clarissa’s direction. “Cinderella, you’re going to the ball after all.”

“As an English botanist dressed in a Cat Woman suit? I don’t think so.”

Meredith checked her watch and stood up. “Speaking of that suit, I’d better get to the costume store. I’m not sure when it closes.”

“Wait.” Clarissa stood up. “I can
’t do this.”

“Nonsense,” Meredith said. “You’ll be fine. Simply drop your H’s and remember to complain about the royal family every once in a while.”

“You just want me to do this because of Natalie,” Clarissa said, but it was no use. Meredith left the room with a cheery wave and called out, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Clarissa sank back to the couch, exhausted. “It will never work,” she said again.

Chapter 29

Clarissa didn’t move from the couch for a good twenty minutes. She sat watching the waves from her window and feeling her stomach chum. Now that Meredith had found out the truth, Clarissa would have to tell Slade everything. Tonight. She couldn’t ask Meredith pretend she didn’t know about the divorce.

The churning grew, and Clarissa wished for the thousandth time she had told Slade the truth at the beginning.

How much would it matter to him that she’d lied? Would he ever trust her again? The thought of losing the job was hard. The thought of never seeing Slade again, never talking with him again, was even harder. Perhaps if she didn’t tell him how she felt now, she’d never have the chance.

And then again, perhaps that was for the best.

She tapped her foot nervously against the side of the couch.

Well, at least if she went out as Cat Woman she’d go out in a big way.

Still, she didn’t think she could do it.

If she was going to lose Slade, she ought to lose him with her dignity intact. If he didn’t
know how much she cared about him, it would hurt less when he fired her.

And after this was over, she’d make sure nothing like it ever happened again. She’d never lie under any circumstances; and more important
ly, she’d never care again about anyone enough to be hurt when she lost them.

This thought left her cold.

Could she do that? Could she cut herself off from the good emotions in order to escape the bad?

Instead of thinking about it further, she went to the computer and turned it on.
Before she called Alex, she wanted to see if he’d emailed her.

He hadn’t, but Renea had. Three times
. The first email said: “Clarissa, I saw your newspaper article. Where did you meet Slade Jacobson? And do you think it’s wise to go off to Hawaii with him when you’re in this vulnerable state? You ought to wait a while to make these kinds of decisions. I hope you’ll take a good look at what you’re doing.”

The second e-mail said: “Is Slade carrying
Elaina in the newspaper article? I printed out the picture and showed it to the entire family, and no one is sure whether it’s her because her hair looks so much darker in the picture. Maybe it’s the lighting. Anyway, I can’t believe you brought your daughter along on this little nervous breakdown of yours. I mean, I realize Slade Jacobson is gorgeous, but do you think this is good for Elaina?”

The t
hird e-mail just said: “My friends want to know if you really know Landon McKellips. And if you do, can you introduce him to us when you get back?”

Clarissa deleted the messages, then turned off the computer. The e-mails told her two things. First, Renea was an idiot. She’d
known that all along, however, so it wasn’t helpful. Second, Alex’s entire family thought she’d run off with Slade for some sort of torrid affair. They undoubtedly now thought her an unfit mother, and were probably congratulating Alex on getting rid of her.

Clarissa
sighed heavily, exited the Internet, and turned off the computer. She’d brought it on herself, she knew. She’d been led by her pride when she e-mailed that picture to Renea. Clarissa had wanted to prove to Renea that she didn’t need Alex anymore, that she was capable of attracting someone like Slade Jacobson. But it wasn’t the truth.

Was it?

Meredith had as much as said that Slade was interested in her. But maybe Meredith was just a romantic. Or hopelessly optimistic. The memory of every single middle school crush suddenly flooded into Clarissa’s mind. How many times had a friend told her, sworn to her, that a certain boy liked her, and then the next day the same boy would be hanging out with some other girl?

You couldn’t depend on a third-party opinion when it came to love. Which was another reason
to hate the whole dating thing.

Maybe it would be best to be disguised as someone else. It would give her the information she needed to decide how to go about telling him the truth.

Clarissa got out her phone and fingered it while she ran through possible scenarios with Alex. He was probably upset she’d run off for a wild fling with Slade, thought she was unstable, and thus no longer a capable mother. In this case, Clarissa would swallow her pride and tell Alex the truth. She wasn’t Slade’s girlfriend; she was his daughter’s nanny.

And from now on she wouldn’t let her pride lead her into making foolish decisions like sending things to Renea.

What an educational trip this was turning out to be. She had now committed to shun both dishonesty and pride. Before she boarded the plane for California, she’d most likely be dispensing with all her sins.

Clarissa punched in Alex’s work phone number.

A moment later she heard his voice. “Hello?”

She waited for the stream of emotions that always came when she heard his voice. The hurt, the anger, the hollow sadness. None of them came this time. It was just Alex’s voice.

“This is Clarissa,” she said. “I heard you called.”

“Yes,” he said, and the word alone was an accusation. “What is going on with you? First I get a call from a reporter
, and then I see this picture of you and Elaina off with Slade Jacobson in Hawaii—”

“That wasn’t Elaina,” Clarissa cut in, and suddenly it all seemed so ludicrous. He didn’t even recognize his own daughter. “Elaina has straight blonde hair, not curly light brown hair, and she’s a year younger than the girl in the picture.”

“If Elaina isn’t with you, where is she?”

“I didn’t say she wasn’t with me. I
just said that wasn’t her in the picture. I thought you might want to know.”

“My point is still the same,” Alex said. “I gave you half of everything I own, and I’m paying child
support. If you’ve taken up with some rich guy, I don’t think I should have to give you anything. You’re probably better off now than I am. You ought to be paying me.”

It wasn’t the hurt that made her take a deep inward breath, it was the surprise. He wasn’t upset about her
running off on a fling with a movie star or her failings as a mother or even about Elaina. It was about money.

She thought about
telling him he paid hardly anything as it was. She thought about accusing him of all the ways he wasn’t a good father. She thought about bringing up how she’d worked two jobs over the last few months in an attempt to make ends meet. Somehow, as she held onto the phone, she realized it was a useless waste of emotional energy.

I am better off than you are, she wanted to say, but not in the way you think. I’m better off because somehow I’m going to get through this a better person.

She kept her voice calm. “The judge made a decision, and you’re obligated to it. If you don’t like it, you can discuss it with your lawyer. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“M
aybe I will call my lawyer,” he said, and then hung up the phone.

She knew he wouldn’t. The fees he’d have to pay his lawyer to take the case to court again would exceed anything he’d get in reduced child support.
Alex was just being nasty—which didn’t bother her as much as the fact that he hadn’t been concerned about Elaina. He hadn’t asked to speak to her. He hadn’t even asked how she was.

Clarissa put down the phone, then went and peeked in on Elaina sleeping.
The little girl lay on her bed, her blonde hair haloing her head. She looked so serene, so precious.

She nee
ded a father who cared about her. Someone who wanted to play with her in the swimming pool and talk with her on the phone. Just like Clarissa needed a husband, someone who would love and support her.

And the only way she’d ever get either was if she opened herself up enough to care about someone, even if it meant getting hurt in the process. Without risk, there could
n’t be love.

Chapter
30

Slade and Bella didn’t stay long at the Aloha Tower. Bella found it only a mildly-interesting building and wanted to walk around the harbor instead. At lunch they stopped at a seafood restaurant. Slade couldn’t eat his shrimp cocktail without remembering the way Clarissa jumped around the hotel dining room, shaking her shirt while pieces of fish fell to the floor.

He momentarily considered not leaving for California in the morning. It would be nice to stay here vacationing with Clarissa.
He pictured her on the beach, her hair fluttering in the breeze and her swimsuit hugging her curves. Then he erased the image from his mind. This was exactly the reason he needed to go back to California. Then Clarissa would be safely home with her perfectionist husband, and Slade would stay as far away from her as he could.

He had it figured out. When
Clarissa tended Bella, he would leave before Clarissa came and not come home until after she left. Meredith would be there during the transition times and could take care of the payments and correspondence. That way Bella would still have the nanny she wanted, and he’d be out of temptation’s reach.

After lunch Slade and Bella walked around the marketplace, looking at shells and tourist items. He bought her a Hawaii T-shirt, a child-size grass skirt, and a shaved ice.

“Are we gonna get something for Elaina and Clarissa?” Bella asked as they walked along.

“I think that would be a good idea,” he said. “Why don’t you
pick out something for Elaina, and I’ll pick out something for Clarissa.”

Bella quickly found a shell necklace
she thought Elaina would like. Slade couldn’t find anything to give Clarissa. He wanted something that would tell her how much she meant to him, and somehow a T-shirt just didn’t convey that message.

After looking for
awhile, Slade decided to forget tourist items, and they drove to a jeweler’s. “You can help me choose,” he told Bella as they walked in. Because, after all, Clarissa couldn’t turn down a gift Bella had picked out.

He wanted to get her a ring. Instead
, he settled for a pair of black pearl earrings with tiny diamond accents. He would tell her they were for going above and beyond the call of a nanny by subjecting herself to a shirt full of dead fish in order to retrieve his child from underneath the salad bar.

She couldn’t refuse that, could she?

He picked up a pearl brooch for Meredith. She liked brooches, and if he gave her a gift too, it would make his gift to Clarissa seem less inappropriate.

A little after five o’clock they
headed back to the resort. Bella was overly excited to show Elaina her gift, and as soon as they arrived at the hotel, she insisted they take it directly to Clarissa’s room.

Meredith
, not Clarissa, opened the door. She smiled at the two of them. “Did you have a nice day?”

“Yes,”
Slade said. “Where’s Clarissa?”

“I gave her the
evening off. I thought it would be better if I watched the girls, you know, in case Zorro showed up.”

Slade smiled despite
himself. “Better for Clarissa or better for you?”

Meredith
returned his smile without missing a beat. “I’m still deciding.”

Bella ran into the room and over to where Elaina sat in front of a coloring book and crayons. Without waiting another second, Bella
pulled her gift from its bag and put it around her friend’s neck.

“Isn’t it pretty?” Bella asked.

“Ooooh,” Elaina said with wonder.

Slade walked over to the girls. “It’s a present for you,” he told Elaina. “Bella picked it
out.”

Bella bobbed her head.
“And I helped picked out the earrings for Clarissa too.”

Slade frowned
at his daughter. “Hey, that was supposed to be a surprise.” Then to Elaina he said, “I want to show them to your mom before anyone tells her about them. So can you keep it a secret?”

Elaina nodded and held the shell necklace up
to look at it better. “I’m good at secrets. I haven’t told about the D force at all.”

“The D force?” Slade asked. “What’s that?”

“That’s why we don’t live at Daddy’s house anymore.”

Slade stared at her, letting the words sink in.
“You don’t live with your father anymore?”

“Nope,” Elaina ran her fingers across the shells. “But he still loves me.”

“Your mother is divorced?” Slade asked again.

Elaina held a finger to her lips. “It’s a secret.”

Clarissa had lied to him? Why would she have lied to him about being married? He turned to Meredith. “Where is Clarissa? Is she at the hotel somewhere?”

“She’s o
ut sightseeing,” Meredith said calmly.

“Could you be
more specific?” He pulled his cell phone and his car keys from his pocket. He wanted to talk to Clarissa about this, but he would do it in person.

“You can’t go looking for
Clarissa now,” Meredith said. “It’s a big island, and you’re in no mood to talk to her about it anyway.”

“I’m in exactly the mood to talk to her about it,” he said back
.

Meredith glanced over at Elaina, then walked
closer to the door and motioned Slade to follow her. When they were far enough away from the children, she whispered, “It’s always shocking to find out someone has lied to you, but I’m sure Clarissa had her reasons. If you talk to her about it now, you’ll just end up yelling at her, and I don’t think that’s what you want to do.”

“It’
s exactly what I want to do,” he whispered back. “I trusted her. I tried to protect her from Landon. I thought I was going to hell for wanting a married woman. The least she owes me is a really good explanation.” He pressed her number into his cell phone. A phone on Clarissa’s end table rang. She hadn’t taken it with her. He scowled and swore.

“You need to
calm down before you talk to her,” Meredith repeated.

Slade noticed the time displayed
on his phone and he swore again. “No, actually I need to get ready to pick up Kim.”

“Kim
,” Meredith said, considering the word.

Slade narrowed his eyes at Meredith
. “You don’t seem terribly surprised by the whole divorce thing.” His eyes narrowed even further. “Did you know all along that Clarissa was single?”

Meredith put up one hand as though pledging. “I can honestly say that before today I thought she was a married woman.”

He grunted, then opened the door to leave.

“Slade,” she called after him. “Wait.”

He didn’t want to. “When Clarissa comes in, tell her I need to talk to her. Tonight.” He let the door close behind him and stalked down the hall to his room.