Matchplay (15 page)

His eyes locked with mine. “I know you love me but do you trust me? Do you completely and totally trust me?”

I hesitated. He was right. I still had a few nagging doubts about him. “I don’t know,” I finally admitted.

“And that’s my fault. I’ve given you reason not to trust me.” He sighed. “You deserve so much better than me, Rainy.”

“What are you saying?” I tried to hold back my tears.

“Maybe Chloe is right. Maybe I will break your heart. Maybe I should let you find someone with a good heart and soul. Not someone so broken and damaged.”

I shook my head. “But I want you.” I could feel the tears now welling up in the corners of my eyes.

“I want
you, too, more than anything but I want you to be happy even more. I’m not sure I’ll be able to make you happy in the long run.”

I didn’t realize the extent of the unresolved feelings he had concerning Chloe and what he
had done to her. I also didn’t realize the inner demons he was battling. I thought about what Dr. Griffin had said about him and his vulnerability. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized the full meaning of her words.

“I’m sorry, Rainy, but I need to go.”

Before I could stop him, Aaron turned and left.

I stood in the middle of the campus and cried. I felt empty and alone. Everything had felt so good and right between us when we were in Florida. It was one of the best times in my life. Now that we were back on campus, everythin
g was a complete and total mess—again.

As I stood there bawling, I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I looked up, it was Josh.

“Is everything okay, Rainy?”

“No,” I managed to get out between sobs.

“Is there anything I can do?” There was obvious concern in his voice.

I started wailing again. Josh put his arm around my shoulder and led me back to my dorm. We both stood outside the front entrance.

“Is your roommate there?” Josh asked. “I’m not sure I should leave you alone.”

“I’ll…be…fine,” I got out between snivels.

Josh shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

Two girls were entering the dorm, so Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me into the dorm behind them.

“What room are you in?” Josh asked.

“212
.” 

He led me to the elevator and we rode it to the second floor then he led me to my room.

“Where’s your key?” 

I removed my key from my back pack and opened my door. The room was empty. Olivia had been spending all of her time with
Marney.

Josh sat me down on my bed then sat down next to me. He grabbed a tissues box from my desk and handed it to me. I grabbed one and blew my nose.

“I must look extremely attractive right now.”

Josh gave me a half smile. “You always look attractive, Rainy.
Even when you’ve been crying.”

“Thank you for helping me back to my room
.”

He nodded. “Does this have something to do with that guy from The Clubhouse?” he asked between clenched teeth.

I nodded.

“He’s not good enough for you, Rainy.”

I knew Josh was trying to make me feel better but it wasn’t helping.

“Do you want me to stay with you for a while?” he offered.

I nodded. I knew if Josh left now, I would probably spend the rest of the night crying. I felt a little bit of comfort having Josh with me. It lessened the intense pain, even if it was just a little.

Josh slid to the top of my bed so his back was against the wall and he patted the space next to him, so I slid up next to him. “You can rest your head on my shoulder,” he said.

I hesitated. I was still raw with emotion and I wasn’t sure I was making good decisions as far as Josh was concerned. But I knew he was a nice guy and would never do anything inappropriate.

I was starting to feel very tired, so I rested my head on his shoulder.

I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up Josh had his head resting on mine and he was snoring quietly. I moved slightly and he stirred. I think he was just as surprised as I was that we had fallen asleep.

He rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry
. I didn’t realize I was even tired.”

“It’s okay
. I guess we both needed some rest.”

I stretched a bit and so did Josh. Then our eyes met and Josh looked at me with so much tenderness, it tugged on my hear
tstrings a bit. The energy between us seemed to shift slightly and I thought Josh might try to kiss me.

“I’m still in love with Aaron,” I blurted.

A look of embarrassment seemed to sweep over Josh’s face. “I know. Of course, you’re not ready for a relationship with anyone else.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I didn’t think I’d ever want a relationship with anyone but Aaron. “I could really use a friend right now.” I ventured.

Josh smiled. “Friends it is then.”   

Josh looked puzzled about something, so I asked him what was bothering him.

“This may sound like a stupid question but why are you wearing a sunshine pendent? It seems a bit strange because your name is Rainy. Shouldn’t you be wearing a cloud with raindrops or something?”

The pendent Aaron had given me on our trip had become such a part of
me, I had forgotten I had it on. To anyone but Aaron, it would have seemed a strange memento to wear. Since I didn’t know exactly where my relationship with Aaron stood, or if we even still had a relationship, I removed the pendent and carefully placed it in my dresser drawer.

***

I
received an email from Dr. Griffin detailing requirements of the research internship. She wanted me to make a commitment to work on the book with her until I graduated, if it took that long, and I was happy to do it. I felt honored that she thought so highly of me. She even said that if the quality of my work was outstanding and my contribution was significant enough, she would consider making me a cowriter. That was all it took for me to immerse myself in the project. It seemed like all I had was free time anyway. Despite the fact that I had texted Aaron several times, he never texted me back. I debated phoning him but then felt like I should give him time if that’s what he wanted and needed.

I also didn’t see much of Olivia and Lucas. Olivia spent all of her free time with
Marney and Lucas had immersed himself in his internship. I felt sad that I didn’t get to see my friends very much but I was also happy for them because they both seemed so content.

What little free time I had, I spent with Josh. Aaron had stopped walking me to class after the first week, so Josh and I got into the habit of meeting after my morning classes and going to lunch afterwards. Josh didn’t know much about art but seemed interested, so I told him all about my favorite artists. He told me about
wanting to own his own engineering firm and it was nice to see the excitement in his eyes when he talked about his plans.

I had been hanging out with Josh for about a month when he took me to the small Chinese restaurant off campus that Aaron first introduced me to. It was the first time Josh and I had gone to dinner off campus together and in some ways it felt like a date. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it because I still thought of Aaron nearly every moment of every day. I never led Josh on or told him that I was ready for anything more but I got the sense that he was testing the waters.

After dinner, we stopped outside the restaurant. I thanked Josh and gave him a hug. Before we had a chance to let go of each other, I heard Aaron’s voice.

“What the fuck are you doing to Rainy?” Aaron practically screamed at Josh.

Josh quickly let me go and instinctively backed up a few steps. Aaron was glaring at Josh like he might kill him.  I grabbed Aaron’s arm to get his attention.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I hissed at Aaron.

“What am I doing?” he hissed back. “What are you two doing?”

Josh threw up his hands. “I think the two of you need some time to talk. I have some studying to do. Rainy, I had a great time and I’ll see you later.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Aaron yelled as Josh walked away from us.

“Look at me,” I said to Aaron. “You have absolutely no right to treat Josh that way.”

Aaron’s expression quickly turned from anger to sadness. His eyes looked so vacant and empty it put a lump in my throat.

“So, you don’t want to be with me but you don’t want me to be with anyone else. How does that work?” I
asked.

“Did you sleep with him?” Aaron
’s tone was desperate.

I glared at him. “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

Aaron grabbed my face in his hands. “Did you sleep with him?” he asked again this time more forcefully.

“How could I possibly be with anyone else when I’m still in love with you?” I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t ever see myself with anyone else but Aaron.

He completely devoured me, his mouth on mine, his tongue penetrating me. His hands grabbed my butt and he pulled me so close to him I could feel his erection through his jeans.

“I’m so sorry, Rainy,” he whispered between kisses.

Then the realization hit me that we were on the street in front of a restaurant and I was immediately embarrassed that we had gotten so carried away in public.

We raced back to my dorm room in record time.

Aaron sat me on the bed and got on his knees in front of me. He placed his head on my lap and squeezed my legs. When he looked back up at me, I could see a lone tear drop escape down his face.

“I haven’t done anything the past few weeks but think about you,” he said. “I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you go but I couldn’t actually let you go. Every day after class, I’ve sat in my room, stared at the Mary Cassatt print that you gave me for Christmas, and thought about you. That’s been my life for the past four weeks. I haven’t even gone to any Clu
bhouse parties, which really isn’t cool for the President of the club. I just didn’t have it in me.”

That surprised me. I had imagined Aaron hanging out with Evan and the rest of the guys, drinking and having fun. I didn’t think he was with other girls, though, or at least I hoped he hadn’t been.

He continued. “I guess I just went crazy when I saw you with Josh. Thinking about him touching you. Thinking about him kissing you or being intimate with you nearly killed me.”

“Josh and I are friends and it was just a friendly hug,” I a
ssured him. “That’s all. I don’t want to be with anyone but you.”

Aaron reached up and stroked my face with his thumbs. Then he gave me a soft kiss. “I love you so much, Sunshine.”

“I love you, too.” 

When his gaze fell on my neck I knew immediately what he was going to say even before he said it.

“You’re not wearing the necklace I gave you.” His words held so much pain behind them, my heart ached.

“I wasn’t sure what was happening with us
. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing it.”

“I don’t want you to ever feel unsure about us again,” he said. “I’m going to make it my mission in life for you to trust me and trust my love for you.”

I slide over to my dresser and removed the necklace from my top drawer. I put it on and turned so Aaron could snap it into place in the back. He smiled as he admired me wearing his gift.

“Please don’t ever take it off again
. No matter what.”

“Okay,
I won’t.”

“Is it too much to ask to stay with you tonight? We don’t have to do anything else but I really want to hold you in my arms and wake up with you in the morning. I’ve missed you so much.”

“But what if I want to do something else?” I suggested.

“Really?”
Aaron said. He genuinely seemed surprised. “You want to be with me?”

I nodded. I missed the intimacy between us. I missed the closeness I felt having him inside me, making love to me. I wanted it back. I wanted Aaron back.
All of him.

I noticed a twinkle return to Aaron’s eyes. He kissed me then slid me up to the top of the bed and eased himself between my legs.

He looked into my eyes and I could see him swallow hard. “You’re sure about this, Rainy?”

“I want you, Aaron. I want you to make love to me.”

He kissed me with such hunger and such desire, it immediately ignited a hunger and desire in me I didn’t even realize I had been suppressing.

Aaron pressed his body against mine and I could feel his erection pushing hard against me. I immediately wanted to feel him inside me. I reached for him and slide my hand up and down the length of his hardness through his jeans.

Aaron moaned. “Oh, Sunshine, can you feel how badly I want you?”

“Please, Aaron
. I want to feel you inside me.”

Aaron didn’t hesitate to remove his pants and shirt as I u
nbuttoned my blouse. Aaron then helped me out of my jeans and underwear in what seemed like one swift motion.