Matt (The Cowboys) (42 page)

“I can’t give you an answer right now,” Mabel said. “I’ll have to think about it.”

“That’s all right. I won’t be doing anything for several months. But the adoptions must go through. I won’t give up Noah and Tess even if it means I have to live on that ranch for the rest of my life.”

Mabel looked thoughtful. “You say Wilbur has given up his opposition to the adoptions?”

“Yes.”

“Even about that other boy?”

“He’s agreed to leave that decision to the judge.”

Mabel’s expression indicated she felt Wilbur had betrayed her.

“I’m sure if the ladies of Bandera knew you no longer opposed the adoptions, all opposition would cease,” Ellen said. She could tell Mabel was pleased her opinion was so important in the town.

“I don’t see why Matt shouldn’t adopt Orin,” Mabel said. “He seems to have a way with young scoundrels, certainly more so than Ermajean. I was displeased he didn’t ask me for his mother’s picture. I would certainly have given it to him.”

Ellen bit her tongue to keep from making a rejoinder. This was not the time to tell Mabel she was a hypocrite.

“I have made up my mind,” Mabel said. “I will lend you the money for your shop. We’ll call it Mabel’s.”

Ellen stumbled from Mabel Jackson’s house, victory tasting like ashes in her mouth. She couldn’t give Matt his own babies, but he wouldn’t have to leave Texas to keep his boys. She had no intention of marrying Wilbur, but letting him think she was would brand her a traitor in Matt’s eyes. In those of the boys and the whole Maxwell clan, too.

She choked back a sob. She would have the kids, her shop, her independence. Everything she’d always wanted. She would keep telling herself that over and over again until she believed it.

But she wanted Matt. Without him, everything else was meaningless.

“What did he do this time?” Ellen asked the sheriff.

“He’s drunk. I locked him up for his own safety.”

Toby was in trouble. Tulip had met her less than five minutes after she left Mabel Jackson’s house to inform her that Toby was in jail. She didn’t understand why he wasn’t at the ranch with Orin and Hank, or why he was drunk. She’d never known him to use spirits. But before she could get an explanation for his actions she had to get him out of jail.

“Did he drink much?” she asked.

“Enough to make him throw up everything he’s eaten in the last week. I’m gonna have to mop my cell out after he leaves.”

“Did he say why he did it? Why he’s in town by himself?”

“Not so’s I could understand. Mostly he’s been cussing and throwing up.”

Ellen wished Matt were here. He would know what to do, but she couldn’t leave Toby in jail. Matt might not be back for days.

“How much is the fine?” she asked.

The sheriff told her, and she paid it.

“Now we’d better see if he’s in any condition to walk without his legs going out from under him,” the sheriff said.

Ellen had never been inside the jail. It contained only one cell, which Toby occupied with two older men, both of whom looked like they wouldn’t have hesitated to murder their best friend for a few dollars. Toby lay on the floor, curled up in a ball, his head on his coat. The men occupied the beds.

The sheriff unlocked the cell door. “Time to go home, boy.”

“You talking to me, Sheriff?” one of the men said. He looked to be at least thirty-five, but it was hard to tell. He had the leathery appearance of a man who’d spent his entire life outdoors.

“There’s nobody wanting to pay your fine, Otis. I’m speaking to Toby there. Come on, boy, get up. Or do you need some help?”

“She the one getting me out?” Toby asked, casting Ellen a look probably intended to be full of anger. He succeeded only in looking very sick and very young.

“Yeah,” the sheriff said.

“Then I’m staying here.”

“I don’t have room for people whose fines are paid up. If you don’t get up by yourself, I’ll come in and drag you out.”

“I’ll be happy for you to pay my fine, pretty lady,” Otis said. “I’ll even walk out on my own.”

“Ain’t nobody coming for you,” the sheriff said to Otis. “You’ll have to spend the whole two days here. At least you’ll have some food in your stomach instead of all that rotgut whiskey.”

“I like rotgut whiskey.”

“It’s a shame the town don’t like the way you act when you’ve had a bottle or two. Go back to sleep. Hurry it up, Toby. I ain’t got all day.”

“What else you got to do?” the boy asked.

“Chase down more smart-ass boys like you and toss their butts in jail.”

“I don’t see Phillip Jackson here.”

“He had the good sense to crawl into his own bed and sleep it off instead of trying to start a fight with half a dozen grown men. Move along. Your ma is waiting to take you home.”

“She ain’t my ma!” Toby growled at Ellen as he passed her. “She ain’t never going to be.”

Toby ran through the cell doorway, failed to turn, and hit a wall. He stumbled back. His hand came away from his forehead bloody.

“You’re hurt,” Ellen cried.

“I didn’t feel nothing,” Toby said.

“I see blood.”

“Set him down in my office,” the sheriff said. “You can fix him up there.”

“I ain’t letting her touch me,” Toby said, weaving unsteadily on his feet.

“Save your I’m-a-man-so-I-don’t-feel-pain routine for your girlfriends,” Ellen said.

“I don’t want you touching me.”

“You got no choice,” the sheriff said. “You go into my office and let her clean you up. I’m sure your ma—”

“She ain’t my ma!”

“I sure don’t know why she’d want to be, but some people can’t stop taking in strays.”

Toby glared angrily at Ellen, then stumbled into the sheriff’s office and sat down.

The sheriff set a jug of water and a basin on the desk, took some sticking plaster out of a drawer, and laid it on the desk. “I’ve got to feed my pets. Give a yell if you need anything.”

The cut on Toby’s forehead was minor, but he’d smeared blood all over himself. While Ellen cleaned it up, she tried to figure out what to say to him. Matt would have known exactly what to say. He wouldn’t have made Toby so angry he ran into a wall. If Matt had been here, Toby wouldn’t have gotten drunk. “Why did you do it?”

“None of your business.”

“I know you don’t like me, but that’s not important. What is important is how Matt will feel about this. He’ll be hurt you—”

“You don’t care about Matt.” He jerked his head out of her hands and looked up at her, his bloodshot eyes full of anger. “All you care about is those kids.”

“That’s not true. I—”

“I told him not to get sweet on you. I told him you was prime-looking, but you didn’t care nothing about us. You should have stayed like you was, snooty, keeping yourself to yourself, thinking I was going to ruin your precious kids by touching them. They’re nothing but bastards. They ain’t no better than me.”

Ellen’s tongue wouldn’t move. Had she really been that awful?

“Matt’s too softhearted for his own good. I been having to look out for him ever since you got here. He was listening to me until you started cooking and cleaning and acting like you wanted to be his real wife.”

“I do,” Ellen said. “I mean, I did.”

“No point in lying to me,” Toby said. “I ain’t a fool for them puckered lips of yours. Or your killer figure.”

Ellen felt shocked Toby had looked at her in that way. She thought he was handsome but in a sexless sort of way. Obviously, Toby didn’t see her the same way. That made her wonder how much more she’d missed about this boy.

“You put on a good act,” Toby said, practically spitting the words at her. “You even had me believing you loved Matt.”

“I do.”

Toby leapt to his feet. “Don’t lie about that! I swear I’ll hit you, even if I have to spend the rest of my life in jail for it!”

“Sit down. You’re bleeding again.”

“I don’t give a damn.”

“Matt will.”

“I don’t know why he loves you so much. You’re nothing but a lying, conniving bitch.”

“Sit down, Toby, or I’ll open another cut on your head.”

Toby looked like he really would hit her. Then he sank back into his chair. “I don’t care what you do.”

She turned his head to the light so she could bandage the cut properly. “Now you listen to me for a minute. I didn’t mean to appear snooty when I came to the ranch. I hated being forced to marry Matt to keep my kids, but I was determined to fulfill my part of the bargain. I didn’t mean to fall in love with Matt, but I did.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry to disillusion you, Toby, but what you believe doesn’t change anything. I do love Matt, but there are reasons I can’t stay married him.”

“You’ll never find anybody as good as Matt.”

“I know that, but the fact remains I can’t stay.”

“Why?”

“You’ll have to ask Matt. That’s something I can’t tell you.”

“You’re running away because you don’t want to give him a baby.”

That was one accusation Ellen hadn’t expected.

“I’ve listened at the door,” he said. “There’s never no noise coming out of your room. I even looked in the window one night. You were trying so hard to get away from him you practically fell off the bed.”

Ellen wasn’t comfortable with this turn in the conversation. It hurt far too much. Knowing she couldn’t live with a murderer hadn’t changed the fact that she loved Matt, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, that she would have given almost anything to be the mother of his children.

“You probably think I’m lying again, or just thinking of myself, but I can’t discuss this with you. However, there’s one way you can help Matt. He can’t resist taking care of people. That’s why he’s risked so much for Orin, and now Hank. You three boys can be the sons I can’t give him. You can—”

“He doesn’t want me. He wants his own babies.”

Now Ellen knew what was at the bottom of this. Toby knew Matt wanted Orin and Hank because he’d fought for them. He hadn’t had to fight for Toby, so Toby didn’t feel wanted.

“Matt wants you as much as he’s ever wanted anybody,” she said to Toby. “You were his first son.”

“I’m not his son!”

“Every man has a special place in his heart for his oldest son. He may have other sons who are bigger, smarter, better-looking, but that first son is special in a way all his own.”

“That’s crap!”

“Matt wants to adopt you, to make you his real son.”

“That’s bullshit.”

But his eyes said he hoped he was wrong. Ellen had to keep reminding herself that no one was ever too big, too old, or too self-confident to want to feel loved. Toby was fighting to keep from admitting he needed Matt’s love. He was so afraid he wouldn’t get it, he was denying his need. “When I leave, I’ll take Tess and Noah with me.”

“What if Noah wants to stay?”

She couldn’t face that possibility. She was giving up too much already.

“After we leave, Matt will need you more than ever. He won’t admit it—he’s just as stubborn as you—but you have to let him adopt you so he’ll know
you
love
him.”
It was clear Toby had never considered the situation from that perspective. “He is a very strong man, but even strong men need to know they’re loved.”

“Then why are you running away?”

“It’s time to go home. I don’t want to leave Orin and Hank by themselves too long.”

The ride home gave her a chance to sort through a lot of things with Toby, but it left her feeling so dejected that it was all she could do to keep from crying. Listening to herself tell Toby how much Matt needed him, what a fine man he was, how fortunate he was, merely underlined what she was losing. Probably only Matt’s unexpected appearance on the trail kept her from bursting into tears of self-pity.

Ellen’s heart nearly stopped when he suddenly appeared around a bend. Then it started beating so hard it was painful. She had never been so glad to see anyone in her life. It was all she could do to keep from throwing herself into his arms. Instead, she forced herself to remain calm, to unclench her hands from the reins, and put a smile on her face.

“What did the judge say?” she asked.

“He agreed to wait for the results of the examination. In the meantime, he’s ordered Hollender not to leave Bandera.”

“So Hank’s safe.”

“Maybe.”

She couldn’t meet his gaze any longer. Hurt, sadness, and hope bloomed in his eyes like something alive. Regardless of what he said, she could see he still hoped she’d changed her mind. She had to turn away to avoid seeing his disappointment when he realized she hadn’t.

She was relieved when Toby rode his horse between Matt and the buggy. When Matt soon repositioned himself next to the buggy, she kept quiet while Noah and Tess excitedly related everything that had happened since he’d been gone. She found herself precariously close to saying murder didn’t matter, that she loved him so much she didn’t care what he had done. But that wasn’t true. It might not matter now, but it would tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. And the poison would kill their love for each other. As much as it hurt, it would be easier if she stayed as far away from Matt as possible.