Matterhorn (68 page)

Once again they worked over the bleak options. By 0300 they had a plan. Goodwin would go up the narrower east side with Second
Platoon. Mellas, with a platoon made up of the bulk of the replacements and the remnants of First Platoon, a squad from Third
Platoon, and the mortar squad, which was now carrying only rifles, would take on the broader south slope. They’d attack together,
the southeast shoulder of the hill shielding them from one another’s fire. Conman would take the remaining Marines from Kendall’s
platoon, now not much larger than a squad, and six of the replacements, and secure the northern finger. That was to stop the
sniper fire they’d taken on the previous assault and, in particular, the machine gun that had given away its position to shoot
at the choppers. The back of Goodwin’s assaulting platoon would be exposed to its fire. Cortell would take over Connolly’s
squad. Fitch and the company CP group would set between Mellas’s and Goodwin’s platoons, and advance behind them so that Fitch
could at least have a chance of seeing what was going on. Delta Company would fly in to protect the battalion CP group and
lay down a base of fire. Third Squad of First Platoon, now under Hamilton, along with Mole and his A gunner, would circle
around to the west and kill the NVA who ran off the hill or prevent reinforcements from arriving if the assault bogged down.

Mellas made Jacobs his platoon sergeant and gave Jacobs’s squad to Robertson, who had been the leader of his first fire team.
Then he called all of the squad leaders together and repeated the plan. He felt it would be better to keep the squads intact,
even if they were all about half their former size. That, however, gave him and Jacobs five squads to control instead of three.

Connolly gulped at being given the responsibility for what remained of Third Platoon and taking out the machine gun on the
ridgeline. He wished he had been a bad squad leader instead of a good one. He wished Vancouver were still with him to help.
He wished he didn’t have so many totally green kids. He wished he were back home.

Mellas noticed his reaction. “Conman, I know you can do it. Otherwise I wouldn’t have given it to you.”

Connolly stopped gulping, but Cortell spoke up after Mellas had finished the brief. “I’m not goin’,” he said. “I won’t take
over Conman’s squad.”

Everyone looked at him silently.

“Call me a chickenshit motherfucker, but I ain’t goin’ up no hill ’cause some crazy honky out to make general over my black
ass. I ain’t goin’, man, and I won’t be the only one.”

Nobody blamed him. He had been wounded in the head and could have jumped on the bird that brought the battalion CP group in
that afternoon, but he had stayed.

“OK, Cortell,” Mellas said. “Who do you want to take the squad?”

Cortell had expected a different reaction. He was taken aback. He looked around. No one spoke.

“Rider,” he finally said.

“Go get him.”

Cortell hesitated. Then he whirled angrily and headed toward the lines.

Mellas felt the fear of those huddled near him in the darkness. “Anyone else who’s got an excuse that’ll get him off the hill
can take it,” Mellas said.

People shuffled their feet, looking at the ground. Jacobs spoke up. “J-Jermain’s got an R & R and his arm is f-fucked up from
that scrap metal in it.”

“Please, Jake,” Mellas said. “Before I get killed, just once call it shrapnel.” The others laughed softly. “You have someone
else who can handle the M-79?” Mellas asked.

“I’ll carry it myself,” Jacobs replied.

“OK.” Mellas looked around. “Anyone else?”

No one spoke.

Rider crawled up to the group, looking worried. His hair was scorched, his eyebrows were burned off, and he had salve all
over his face. “Lieutenant, I hear we’re going to make the assault tomorrow.
Cortell says everyone’s going crazy and he’s going to get medevaced.”

“There it is, Rider,” Mellas said.

Waiting for the coming assault was different from waiting for the previous ones. It was as if they’d already thrown their
lives away.

Mellas kept thinking about girls he wished he’d known better. He remembered a dance thrown by the Boston Rugby Club. He’d
gone up to Boston from Princeton with two friends from the rugby team. They both had girlfriends at Radcliffe, one of whom
had fixed Mellas up with her roommate. They’d worn tuxedos; the girls, long dresses. It was snowing, soft gentle snow. After
the dance they’d gone to a house on a lake and curled up before a fire. The other two couples drifted off to bedrooms, leaving
Mellas alone with the girl. He could tell that she was afraid he was just another animal from the rugby team. Mellas himself
was afraid she’d think he was clumsy because he didn’t know what to do. They had sat there, nervous, unable even to talk to
each other, and had wasted that precious moment.

Mellas wanted to reach out across the Pacific and apologize. He didn’t remember her name. She didn’t know he was in a hole
about to die. War was breaking life apart and splintering it, so there were no second chances and all the first chances were
wasted. Mellas also saw Anne crying.
She
had turned her back on
him
their last night together. How could she be the one crying? But now he’d never be able to explain how he felt, explain how
it hurt, find out why she did it, apologize for his lack of understanding, or cry out at her for hers. They were torn apart
and separate, with no second chances.

He saw himself rolling down the hill with Pollini; he saw the neat hole in Pollini’s head. Then he remembered Bass whittling
on his short-timer’s stick, and Vancouver leaning over him and Scar in the empty bunker and saying, “Nagoolian went thataway.”

Once, later that night, Mellas whispered, “You all right?” He meant Bass, Vancouver, and Pollini. Jackson thought Mellas meant
him and answered that he was. Mellas wondered why Jackson had said that.

The radio whispered with the sound of Goodwin checking an LP. Even before an assault, war’s tedious tasks went on uninterrupted.

The fog hung thick and heavy as the kids formed into a single line on the south side of Helicopter Hill. Mellas felt as if
the clouds above him were slabs of slate. The kids were fatigued and filled with despair at the insanity of it all. Yet they
were all checking ammunition, sliding bolts back and forth, preparing to participate in the insanity. It was as if the veterans
of the company, succumbing to this insanity, had decided to commit suicide. Mellas, sick with exhaustion, now knew why men
threw themselves on hand grenades.

He silently inspected his platoon. Many of the kids were strangers to him, but others were familiar friends. He’d pull on
someone’s loose canteen, tug a hand grenade that was carelessly placed, going through the routine of inspection as a mother
tidies her children before they leave for school.

Mellas heard someone trudging down the hillside toward them. A ghostly figure came out of the dark fog, an M-16 on his shoulder,
full bandoleers of magazines across his flak jacket. “Well, Mel,” Hawke said, “where’s my fucking platoon?”

Mellas could only shake his head. Words failed him. Finally he said, “You take Third Herd, Hawke, with Conman. It’s not much
more than a squad. The idea is to hold down the sniper fire on Scar’s rear from that northeast finger. There’s a machine gun
there.” He pulled out his map and the flashlight with the red lens. “I think it’s right here,” he said, pointing at the place
he’d calculated. “You’ll probably have to clear some bunkers.” He looked up at Hawke’s intense dark eyes. “Thanks for coming,
Jayhawk. I hope you don’t get fucking killed.”

“Why do you think I’m taking the platoon that’s not going up the fucking hill?” Hawke turned and walked down the line of men,
holding up his fingers in the hawk power sign.

“Hey Lieutenant Jayhawk, you’re going to get your ass shot off,” someone called.

“Only if the fucking gooks have invented a bullet that shoots underground.”

Hawke had the kids laughing at death.

Pallack’s voice came over the PRC-25s. “OK, Bravo One, Two, and Three. Kickoff time.”

The company walked off into the black jungle as the artillery shrieked above them and exploded into Matterhorn, shaking the
ground. The light from the exploding shells was reflected and softened by the fog and came to their eyes as pale glimmers.

They passed Cortell and Jermain, Jacobs’s M-79 man, sitting on a log watching them.

“Good luck, you guys,” Cortell said sincerely. Jacobs said thanks. So did a few others. Nobody thought badly of them. Jermain
watched his friends file by, silently shaking his head, as if telling himself, “I won’t go. Not this time. This time it’s
crazy.”

Jermain and Cortell watched the last man disappear. They said nothing for at least three minutes. Then Jermain spoke up: “I
feel kind of shitty.”

“Me too,” Cortell said. There was another silence.

“You think we go to heaven when we die?” Jermain asked.

“I don’t think nothin’. I
believe
Jesus take care of us when we die.” Cortell looked at Jermain. “Believin’s not thinkin’.”

Jermain took that in for a while. “What if you’re wrong?”

Cortell laughed. “What if
you
wrong? You been worse off than me all you life. I got the safe bet, not you.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t believe.”

“No, you just playing it safe and not choosin’. Jesus don’t want you to play safe. You don’t get anyplace if you don’t choose.”

“I don’t want to go nowhere but back to the world.”

“Yeah, I be right there with you,” Cortell said. He was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Ever’one here think it easy for
me. I be this good little church boy from Mississippi with my good little church-goin’ Mammy, and since I be this stupid country
nigger with the big faith, I don’t have no troubles. Well, it just don’t work that way.” He paused. Jermain said nothing.
“I see my friend Williams get ate by a tiger,”
Cortell continued. “I see my friend Broyer get his face ripped off by a mine. What you think I do all night, sit around thankin’
Sweet Jesus? Raise my palms to sweet heaven and cry hallelujah? You know what I do? You know what I do? I lose my heart.”
Cortell’s throat suddenly tightened, strangling his words. “I lose my heart.” He took a deep breath, trying to regain his
composure. He exhaled and went on quietly, back in control. “I sit there and I don’t see any hope. Hope gone.” Cortell was
seeing his dead friends. “Then, the sky turn gray again in the east, and you know what I do? I choose all over to keep believin’.
All along I know Jesus could maybe be just some fairy tale, and I could be just this one big fool. I choose anyway.” He turned
away from his inward images and returned to the blackness of the world around him. “It ain’t no easy thing.”

The platoon was well into the jungle when Mellas saw Jermain, holding an M-16, break past him. Jermain handed the rifle to
Jacobs and took back his M-79 grenade launcher and the vest filled with grenades without saying a word. Jacobs turned around
and grinned at Mellas, his face lit by an illumination round. Jermain kept moving forward, refusing to turn around.

“Hey, Jermain,” Mellas finally whispered during a halt.

Jermain turned around, looking chagrined.

“Don’t look so fucking hangdog,” Mellas said gently. “Did Cortell come too?”

“Yeah. Crazy motherfucker started praying and shoved off without asking me if I’d come or not. So I shoved off, too. Crazy
motherfucker.”

“You or him?” Mellas asked.

Jermain laughed. “Fucked if I know, sir.”

“Well, I’m glad you guys came. I hope you make your R & R.”

“Me too, sir.”

They kicked off again. Mellas put Robertson on point with Jermain and three new kids, knowing that Robertson and Jermain had
scaled Sky Cap together and were tight. Between them, they could probably handle the green ones.

The newbies were starting at every little sound. The artillery barrage grew louder as they neared Matterhorn. Robertson slowed
to one pace at a time, inching toward the edge of the jungle. The entire line waited as Robertson’s squad inched forward,
feeling for the dangerous open fields of fire that Bravo itself had cleared.

Gradually the fog turned gray with the coming of dawn. Then Robertson held up his hand. He turned and whispered something
that Mellas couldn’t hear through the roar of the artillery. Mellas knew they’d reached the edge of the trees. He scrambled
forward in a crouch. Robertson was on his belly, peering out just a meter short of the cleared ground.

Before them stood Matterhorn, now ugly and barren, swathed in the sweet-sick smoke of the artillery. Mellas could see the
large gaps torn in the wire during and after their previous assault. He could also see First Platoon’s former bunkers. He
moved the platoon into a long assault line just inside the jungle and radioed Goodwin to link up. When Goodwin radioed that
he had contact with Mellas’s right flank, Mellas radioed Fitch. He told Fitch they were at the final line of departure.

The kids lay on the ground, rifles in front of them, sweating, some taking nervous sips of water and Kool-Aid from their canteens.
The artillery stopped. They heard the rest of Delta Company coming in on choppers, which were met with only desultory rifle
fire. Still, Mellas felt frightened. He watched the hill anxiously. The artillery had been useless against the fortified positions.
Nice work on those bunkers, he thought ruefully. Now it all depended on whether or not fixed wing could take them out with
napalm and 250-pound or maybe even 500-pound bombs.

They waited. Nothing happened. Mellas’s fear overcame him, and he reached for the hook. “Bravo Six, this is Bravo Five. Where’s
the fucking fixed wing with the snake and nape? Over.”

“It’s supposed to be on its way. They’re having trouble with the weather. Can’t see the fucking hill and going too fast to
risk coming in lower.”

“Fuck,” Jackson whispered.

Mellas radioed Hamilton, who had continued westward to position his squad to stop any NVA reinforcements or to kill any NVA
retreating from Matterhorn. The going was terribly slow. “Get your asses moving,” Mellas said fiercely.