Authors: Dan Gutman
My name is A.J. and I hate ferrets.
Did you ever see a ferret? They are these disgusting brown animals that look like long, skinny rats.
My friend Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes, has a pet ferret. His name is Mr. Wiggles. Last year Neil brought Mr. Wiggles to school
on Crazy Pet Day. He escaped from his cage and climbed into a hat that belonged to this crybaby girl named Emilyâwhile it was on her
! Emily freaked and went running out of the room.
It was hilarious. You should have been there! We saw it live and in person.
This year we didn't have Crazy Pet Day. We had Adopt-A-Pet Month. My teacher, Mr. Granite, said we could bring in a pet, and each of us would have to take it home for a night to take care of it.
“Okay, who brought in a furry friend today?” asked Mr. Granite, who is from another planet.
“I forgot,” I said.
“I forgot,” said my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.
“I forgot,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“I forgot,” said Alexia, who is a girl that rides a skateboard all the time.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying they forgot to bring in a pet. Except for one person.
Neil the nude kid.
“I remembered!” shouted Neil.
He took Mr. Wiggles out of his cage. Ugh. It was disgusting.
“He's adorable!” said all the girls.
“Kill him!” yelled all the boys except for Neil.
“I'm scared,” said Emily, who's scared of everything.
“What can you tell us about your ferret, Neil?” asked Mr. Granite.
“Well, when Mr. Wiggles gets excited, he starts hopping sideways and bumping into things,” Neil said. “It's called the weasel war dance.”
“That's interesting!” said Mr. Granite. “Does anyone else know anything about ferrets?”
said Andrea Young, this girl with curly brown hair. She was waving her arm around like she was trying to be rescued from a desert island. Andrea is so annoying. In her spare
time, she reads the encyclopedia for fun.
“Male ferrets are called hobs,” Andrea said, “and females are called jills.”
“Very good, Andrea!” said Mr. Granite.
Why can't a truck full of ferrets fall on Andrea's head?
“What do ferrets eat?” asked Emily.
“They eat girls named Emily,” I said.
“EEEEEEEEEEK!” Emily screamed, and then she went running out of the room.
Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.
Emily is weird. So are ferrets.
Neil put Mr. Wiggles in his cubby, and then we pledged the allegiance.
“Okay, let's get to work, shall we?” said Mr. Granite. “We're way behind and have a lot to cover. So turn to page twenty-three in your math book andâ”
Mr. Granite didn't get the chance to finish
his sentence because an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
“All classes please report to the all-purpose room.”
!” said Mr. Granite, slamming his math book shut.
We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room, which is a room that is used for all purposes, so it has the perfect name. There were flags, banners, and red, white, and blue stuff all over the place. Nobody knew why. I had to sit next to Andrea. Ugh, disgusting!
Everybody was talking, so our principal, Mr. Klutz, made a peace sign with his fingers. That means “shut up.” Everybody stopped talking.