Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (12 page)

When they hug good-bye at the airport (she drives him there, of course), Zoey totally breaks down, burying her face in his chest and half-soaking his shirt, and for a while, maybe because he's completely exhausted, he feels sad but not like he's going to lose it, until she gives him this kiss with lips that are cold and wet from her tears, and that does it, meaning he cries a little too, maybe even more than a little, but still, the whole good-bye almost feels great, even though it hurts like hell most of all.

4
Terms of a Possibly Lopsided and Partially Conditional Quid Pro Quo Darren Agrees To Near the End of a Pretty Short Conversation with His Dad

1.
 Darren will be allowed to visit Nate by himself.

2.
 Darren will not do this kind of thing again. Ever.

3.
 His dad may come to Ann Arbor on Sunday morning to see Nate for a bit and return Darren to Chicago, though this doesn't need to be decided yet.

4.
 Darren and his dad will commit to finding ways to have difficult conversations, as there are clearly a number of difficult conversations the two of them ought to have.

3
Parts of His Lunch That Darren Starts Eating Quickly Once He Thinks the Conversation Is Over, Only Then He Suddenly Finds Himself Asking His Dad Another Question

1.
 CHEESE AND MUSTARD SANDWICH ON WHEAT

In fact, Darren had already said “Bye” to him, but then this came out:

“When did you know?”

“When did I know?” his dad asks, maybe confused.

“Yeah, you know. When did you know? About . . .”

“Well,” his dad says, and then doesn't say anything for a while. Darren doesn't say anything either, just chews. “I knew many years ago—”

“How many?”

“—but then, then I thought perhaps I didn't know. Then I did again, then I didn't.”

Darren swallows a large bite with some difficulty. “What?”

“Because I didn't want to know.”

“Huh?”

“Until about two years ago. Then I knew again. And this time I knew that I knew, whether I wanted to know or not.”

“Oh.”

“Though I still didn't know when to tell your mother. Or you and your brother. Or how.”

“Oh.” Darren takes a sip from his water bottle.

2.
 SALT AND VINEGAR POTATO CHIPS

“Does that make sense?” his dad asks.

“But so why didn't you tell us sooner?”

“Well,” his dad says.

“Seriously, once you told Mom.”

“Well.”

“Why'd you wait so long to tell me?”

“Darren.”

“Huh?”

“Where are you right now?”

“On a bus. I already told you.”

“And why might that be?”

Darren stares into his nearly empty Ziploc bag of potato chips. He switches the phone to the other side of his head. Then back to the first side again. He almost stands up. He feels, in addition to everything else he feels, a bit like a moron. Or an idiot. Or maybe even an asshole.

“Yeah, okay,” Darren says. “I get it.”

“We can talk more when you get back.”

“Okay.”

And then they really hang up.

3.
 A PEAR

1
Person Darren Did Not at All Expect to Find Lighting a Cigarette Right outside the Bus, Which for Some Reason Has Come to a Stop at the Edge of a Gas Station Parking Lot in Paw Paw, Michigan

1.
 Zoey Lovell

2
Highly Processed Food Products Darren Purchases for $2.78 inside the Gas Station Food Mart After for Some Reason Saying, of All Things, to Zoey, “Hey, You Should Sit Upstairs. It's Kind of Cool There.”

1.
 Mr. Pibb

2.
 Snyder's of Hanover Honey Mustard & Onion Pretzel Pieces

7
Theories, Not All Plausible, Darren Comes Up With to Explain Zoey's Presence on This Bus, While They Silently Share the Pretzels and Mr. Pibb

1.
 Back at Union Station he actually did say to her that Ann Arbor is pretty cool and that she should come with, so she decided to.

2.
 She figured out pretty easily that he was sort of running away from home, which she's been pretty close to doing for a while, and if Darren can sort of run away, then why can't she?

3.
 She has a good friend or close cousin she's been meaning to visit who goes to Michigan.

4.
 She is thinking about going to Michigan for school, but hasn't yet had a chance to tour the campus.

5.
 She does this kind of thing all the time.

6.
 She likes, or even secretly loves, Darren, and this is her chance.

7.
 She is insane, more or less.

7
Brief Conversations Darren and Zoey Have While Zoey Plays This Game on Her Phone, Which Is Just Distorting the Faces of Random People by Using Your Finger to Pull Their Features Apart or Mush Them Together

1.
 D: You like North High? Z: Nah, not really. D: Me neither.

2.
 D: When did you get the one over your eye? Z: Last Thanksgiving. D: Cool.

3.
 D: Mr. Pibb is pretty excellent. Z: And nasty. D: Well, yeah. Z: Good nasty. D: Yeah. D: Great nasty.

4.
 D: Do you know Maggie Block? Z: Not really. Z: Why? D: No, nothing.

5.
 D: What are your parents going to do? Z: Do? D: When they find out. Z: About? D: About, you know, this. Z: Who cares. D: Are you scared? D: Are you? Z: (shoulder shrug) D: You should call them. I did already. D: Mine, I mean. D: They were mad, but not that mad, actually. D: You should. Z: (shoulder shrug)

6.
 D: Do you know where you're going to stay? Z: (noise he's pretty sure means no) D: You can probably stay at my brother's place. D: But it might be on a couch or something. D: He'd be okay with it. Z: Okay. D: He's cool.

7.
 D: That one's awesome. Z: Thanks. Z: Your turn. D: Sweet.

5
New Thoughts Darren Has about Zoey, Now That He Can Just Stare Right at Her, Because While He Was Playing the Game on Her Phone, She Crossed Her Arms, Rested Her Head to the Side, and Fell Asleep, Which Is Maybe One of the Advantages of Being Small, Since There's No Way Darren Could Ever Get Comfortable Enough in His Cramped Seat to Fall Asleep

1.
 Her haircut (sort of shaved on one side but long and almost poufy on the other) is kind of stupid. Almost cool, but mostly stupid. He'd never in a million years have the guts to get his hair cut that way, or in some other kind of way that would be equivalent for boys.

2.
 Her nose and mouth are pretty small, and the way her nose curves around or below her nostrils (right where the bottom of her nose meets the rest of her face), along with the plumpness of her top lip in the middle, where it juts up and out a bit, this being the one part of her face that isn't little and thin, are probably the best parts of her face, which is maybe a little plain overall, but is definitely pretty in those places. Plus her skin looks super smooth, not to mention really pale.

3.
 She smells like a cigarette, which is gross, but there's another smell too, which is either a hair product or some perfume, or some combination of them, and the smell isn't that strong, but it's really distinct and steady, almost like it's in her clothes, too. He has absolutely no idea what the name of the smell is or how even to describe it, except that it is a smell that makes you want to keep smelling it, which is probably the overall point of perfume, if you think about it. So it's kind of interesting that Zoey puts something on that makes you want to keep smelling her, because if you asked her, “Do you want people to want to keep smelling you?” she'd almost certainly say no; in fact, she probably wouldn't even answer the question.

4.
 You can do all that stuff to your hair and face, but then when you're asleep you still look just like pretty much anyone else when they're sleeping, because there's no sleeping expression that only sad or defiant or bitter or mysterious people (or whatever Zoey is) have, and so there's something extra pathetic about looking at her like this, to the point that he's almost embarrassed for her right now.

5.
 If it were somehow the right or appropriate thing for him to do, he'd lean over and kiss her neck, maybe two inches below the place where her jaw curves up toward her ear. Just a little kiss, not even very long and definitely not juicy or anything. And it's not like he's thinking about some kind of frog/princess situation here, but he almost has the sense that the world would be a much better place if it were somehow the right or appropriate thing for him to kiss her on the neck, because, again, it's not like she'd turn into a princess, but he does think it would make her life much better, change it somehow, assuming he could kiss her neck in just the right way, which he would definitely try to do and wishes he could.

10
Questions Nate Texts to Darren during an Exchange That Starts with Darren Texting,
Im Bringing Someone OK
?

1.
 
Someone?

2.
 
???

3.
 
Who dat?

4.
 
Toby Lovells sis?

5.
 
She hot?

6.
 
U bonking her?

7.
 
So wtf?

8.
 
She gonna stay here?

9.
 
U want to be bonking her?

10.
 
Whatevs. Was Dad cool?

4
Possible Translations of the Startlingly New Expression That Briefly Passes over Zoey's Face When She First Starts Waking Up but Before She Is Totally Awake, an Expression Darren Gets a Pretty Good Look at, Because He Was Still Staring Right at Her

1.
 Oh, I forgot you were here. Glad you're here.

2.
 That was a strange but not entirely unpleasant dream I was just having.

3.
 Good morning, sweetie.

4.
 If this crappy world were exactly the same as it is right now, exactly the same in every last way, except I knew that you'd always be next to me and watching over me while I slept, then I'd be much happier about living in this crappy world.

4
Mostly Trivial Events That Together Quickly Ruin the Moment

1.
 Zoey presses the palm of her hand against her mouth while kind of squinting one eye and then looks at her palm, maybe because she was expecting to find some drool there, though Darren's pretty sure there wasn't any.

2.
 A couple of college-age guys sitting a few rows back have a pretty loud and brief conversation about Superbus's unreliable Wi-Fi service, a conversation that could pretty well be summed up in the phrase, “This is bullshit, man,” which is said more than once during this conversation.

3.
 Zoey quickly stands up, grabs her worn-out canvas backpack, and starts walking toward the back of the bus before turning around and saying “Bathroom” to Darren.

4.
 It starts raining lightly, the small drops stretching out into thin lines along the side windows but just sort of turning into deformed rings on the front window, which has no windshield wiper, which seems perfectly reasonable but still makes Darren a little nervous.

6
Instances of Physical Contact Involving Darren and Zoey That Take Place between Battle Creek and Ann Arbor

1.
 Zoey returns to her seat. Darren had raised the armrest to make a little more room for himself. When she sits down, her side, especially her shoulder and upper arm, momentarily push into his upper arm. And then sort of keep pushing. Not that hard, but still. So Darren softly leans back into her to see what will happen. The answer is nothing, meaning they sit there, pretty much leaning into each other and watching Michigan roll past.

2.
 Darren looks down at the back of her right hand. The number 827 is written on her thumb. Small circles are drawn around each knuckle. “Hello,” “Bye,” and “Hello” are written below the place where her pinkie and ring finger come to an end. Her sleeve is pushed up just a bit and Darren can see that there's more writing there. So he lets the index and middle fingers of his left hand reach down to this sleeve and push it up an inch or two more. She doesn't stop him.

The end of her forearm is covered by some sort of design. Curvy lines and straight lines and little colored-in rectangles. It looks a bit like fish scales, a bit like medieval chain mail, a bit like waves. The lines are incredibly intricate and have been drawn so steadily that Darren assumes it's all a tattoo.

“Is that . . . ,” he starts to ask.

“I drew it,” she says.

“Can I . . .” But she just pushes the sleeve up herself.

“Holy crap,” Darren says. The pattern covers the entire top half of her forearm and reaches almost all the way to her elbow. It looks weird, but it looks awesome, too. It's almost scary at first, but then, somehow, it isn't. “How did—”

“Left-handed,” she says, like that explains anything.

“No, but . . . ,” Darren says.

He really can't decide what he feels about it. When he thinks about what it looks like (fish scales and all that), he's not so crazy about it. But then when he just looks at and kind of lets himself get lost in the pattern, he totally loves it. Maybe because the pattern is almost perfectly consistent. Like a machine did it. Or maybe because it's just a killer design that kind of turns her arm into something other than an arm.